So, as I was waiting for my grandparents to come home and make me dinner, I carved this water pumpkin idk y I named it that but Anyways I left it on the kitchen counter. So as I’m sitting in The washroom with door closed and the bathroom&kitchen are like one thing. my cousin, he’s 17, he walks in- I didn’t hear him cuz I was plucking my eyebrows. and I hear this weird splat thump crash noise and I freeze. I had no idea he was there. Then I hear him saying something , the walls are really thin, it’s a condo, he whispered “this is not fucking Halloween and its a god damn watermelon who the fuck? It’s summer. Summer.” I keep listening& he continues. “Halloween means minions, what the Fuck is with those yellow dildos.” And I walk out and I look at him and he’s just staring blankly at the splattered water melon and I just didn’t know what to do, and there I am, with my 17 year old male cousin who is all about being a “manly man” losing his shit over a fucking carved watermelon, and me being the person i am, play an audio clip of a minion singing the banana song. if anyone hears about a mysterious death in Toronto on queen street and River, please show the authorities this. That will be all.
The oceans are basically the real-life equivalent of Lovecraft’s universe: huge. dark, unknown and chock-full of the sort of stuff that would give Freddy Krüger nightmares. To showcase some of the lovely creatures of the deep deep down, I’ll write a few words about each one daily. Welcome to the Bestiary.
Today’s Episode: The Stoplight Loosejaw
Like I said, the ocean is scary. And what’s even scarier is the bottom of it. Like, we’re talking about the sort of scary that Wilbur Whateley checks under his bed for. The hellhole colloquially known as the bottom of the ocean is populated by creatures who are scary, ugly, bizarre, borderline eldritch and over all, ridiculously unique. Afterall, when you live in an unforgiving freezing cold, and nigh-perfectly dark abyss only populated by other monstrosities who have a weak spot for yourself meat à la mode, and you have a weak spot for them meat à la mode, you gotta get creative. And the underwater connoisseur of creepy and creative is this thing.
Meet the amusingly idiotically-named Stoplight Loosejaw, also known by its slightly unpronouncable scientific name Malacosteus niger (muh-luh-coss-tee-us? Ma-lah-cuz-tea-as? How the fuck do I say this?). Not only does it look like something that just escaped from a Xenomorph’s large intestine, it’s one of the coolest deep sea animals ever, even trumping the anglerfish, considering that it’s basically an underwater combination of a pair of night-vision goggles and a beartrap.
This is how it works.
As we all know, the deep ocean is deep. So deep, in fact, that most frequencies of light don’t even reach down to where this scary-ass sonuvabitch spends its life. And when I say “most frequencies”, I mean “every single goddamn frequency aside from what we see as blue”. Because of this, most of the writhing, squamous horrors down there are pretty much unable to percieve any other colors; just how we are unable to percieve infrared as a color. This is because Momma Evolution looked at them and said “Oh hell, why would they need to see red if red light doesn’t even reach them? In fact, it’s better if they see as little as possible, I don’t want to deal with the psychological scars they would get from looking at each other.”So yeah, most deep-sea creatures can’t see red light.
Except for the Stoplight Motherfuckin’ Loosejaw, of course.
This… thing (let’s call it a fish for the sake of convenience) has a pair of bioluminescent organs, known as photophores under it’s dead, soulless eyes. Observe:
These photophores emit red light, which is completely unique among fish and is yet another reason why the Loosejaw is so awesome. Furthermore, the Loosejaw is the only deep-sea fish (along with its nearly identical sibling, the Southern Stoplight Loosejaw) that percieves red light. So yes, this means that it is basically equipped with a light source that noone else can see.
So when this wretched submarine terror is feels like it could use a snack, it just turns its night vision on and goes prrrrrowlin’. The best part is that it could turn the entire ocean floor into one big blood-red laser show and the other sea creatures wouldn’t give two fucks because they are unable to see red light.The Loosejaw could be banging a ladle against a pan and none of those dumbasses would even notice.
So the Loosejaw finds an unwitting eldritch abomination it deems tasty-looking enough and then it does this.
For the sake of clarity, what you’re seeing right now is a fish unhinging its own head from its fucking torso and opening its jaw to the point where it is quarter the size of its entire body.
I don’t think I really need to detail what happens next to the unwitting eldritch abomination.
And this is, ladies and gentlemen, why the Stoplight Loosejaw is one of the creepiest, most over-the-top and most ridiculously awesome deep-sea creatures in the history of ever.
Also, it was discovered in 1848, the same year when a massive wave of rebellions swept through Europe. It has chosen to reveal itself right after a mayhem of anti-absolutist asskicking. This, and its hellish appearance are enough for me to consider that it was behind it all. Now I’m pretty sure it’s a minion of Satan.
I had to hide under the covers and cry until my mom killed a moth in my room how the hell can I date Guzma now?
My boyfriend couldn’t understand how I’m scared of moths because “they’re cute” and I’m like no. They are minions of Satan and I don’t want them getting near me or my clothes. One fluttered at me and I noped the fuck on out of there.
I can hear Guzma giving me a lecture about our little buggy friends, meanwhile I’m buying that sadistic vacuum hose/bug zapper from the Sky Mall catalog. - London🤓
Ever since Scowlofjustice put the idea in my head i’ve spent all day playing Cards Against Megamind with myself. Needless to say i’ve had a WONDERFUL day.
Here’s my day so far: Daddy issues , self loathing and a closed casket funeral
Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that’s right, I’m waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot. Guess they can’t.
I was eight days old and still not contributing to society in any meaningful way
Here Is your Minion, he will take third base
You are destined for vehicular manslaughter
He bought their affections with showmanship and extravagant gifts of deliciousness. So I, too, will make vigorous jazz hands and win over Loki, the trickster god.
That’s when I learned a very hard lesson. Good receives all the praise and adulation, while evil is sent to The Make a Wish Foundation
While they were learning the Itsy Bitsy Spider I learned white privilege.
Some days, it felt like it was just me and Minion against fifty years of fanfic
Then it hit me; if I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the Former President George W. Bush
I decided to pick something a little more humble… Megamind: Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all poor life choices
You got a present in the mail. Is it chunks of dead prostitute?
His heart is an erection that lasts longer than four hours that’s inside the entire cast of Downton Abbey
The greatest honor you’ve given me is Cybernetic enhancements
I tell you Minion, there’s no place like Auschwitz
Is there some kind of nerdy supervillain website where you get a windmill full of corpses and embryonic stem cells?
Stop! She’s using her Menstrual Rage on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets!
It is with great pleasure that I present to Metro Man my collection of high-tech sex toys
Oh! I’m shaking in my extremely tight pants!
That is if Metro Man can withstand the full, concentrated power of my inner demons!
Your weakness is a gentle caress on the inner thigh? You’re kidding right?
What if tomorrow we could go ripping into a man’s chest and pulling out his still-beating heart, that always seems to lift your spirits!
Roxie, I’m having a party at my house, it’s gonna be like, off the hook, or whatever. You should come over. I got racially-biased SAT questions , Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle , A super soaker full of cat pee, It’s gonna be sick!
What are we supposed to do? Without you evil is the holy bible
I had so many evil plans in the works, interspecies marriage, teaching a robot to love, MechaHitler, battles we will now never have.
I kept thinking he was gonna do one of his last minute poorly-timed holocaust jokes . Yeah, he was really good at those.
Heroes can be made…. That’s it! All you need are the right ingredients… a lifetime of sadness, the token minority , the entire internet, and a smidgen of some really fucked-up shit. Oh! With that, anyone can be a hero!
Oh no, not you Roxanne… I was just yelling at…. not Satan, I promise
Minion! Code: Ethnic cleansing
Oh yes, I’m doing horrible things to that man. I don’t want to get into it but Graphic violence, adult language and some sexual content, you know the drill.
Well, in sh…school… none of the other kids really liked me. I was always picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
Just a few alterations sir and I will be done with your most terrifying cape yet! I’m calling it The Violation of our most basic human rights
I may not know much, but I do know this. The bad guy doesn’t get the mere concept of Applebee’s
My sole purpose in life is getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida and dying.
Code: I’ll just pack my Dalek porn and go!
Not the only exciting development of the night! Megamind’s concealing a boner! And I know why!
Roxanne? Say I wasn’t so normal. Let’s say I was a gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry and had the complexion of a mime having a stroke as a random, nonspecific example…
You there! Yeah you. Bring out my manservant, Claude
And the hero strikes the first blow! But evil returns with a cooler full of organs
Guess what, Buster Brown? It’s made from Harry Potter Erotica you’re powerless against it!
I began to realize, despite all my powers, each and every citizen of Metro had something I didn’t. Crystal meth
I was finally free to get in touch with my true power, Leaving an awkward voicemail.
I have eyes that can see right through heteronormativity
I’m the bad guy. I don’t save the day. I don’t fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get all you can eat shrimp for $4.99.
I want to talk to the real Hal. I want to talk to the guy who loved not wearing pants, and Doin’ it in the butt, and praying the gay away and being not as scary as the Tighten Hal.
And my best friend Minion, I treated like my ex-wife
You’re living a fantasy. There is no Darth Vader, there is no skeletor, and there is no Nicolas Cage!
“Oh you’re a villain all right! Just not a super one!” “Yeah? What’s the difference?” “Crippling debt!”
We’ve had a lot of adventures together, you and I. I mean, most of them ended in throwing a virgin into a volcano, but we won today, didn’t we sir?
Ladies and gentlemen! Megamind, defender of licking things to claim them as your own
Medieval Justice — The Case of the Rooster of Basel
In 1474 a rooster living in the city of Basel, Switzerland committed one of the most shocking and heinous crimes in Medieval Swiss history; it laid an egg. A rooster laying eggs is not only strange enough, but they were eggs that lacked a yoke. The people of Basel were terrified, for everyone knew that such eggs were not normal eggs, but the eggs of a cockatrice, a winged serpent creature with a roosters head which could kill and destroy with a mere glance.
To settle the matter, the rooster was put on trial to decide its fate. The trial included a prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge. The prosecutor argued that the rooster was no ordinary cock, but a minion of Satan. The defense attorney argued that the egg laying of the rooster was an odd, but natural occurrence that was no fault of the rooster.
At the end of the trial, the judge found the rooster guilty of witchcraft. The rooster was immediately burned at the stake.