“At first you think, ‘Well this is going to last forever and I’ll be miserable for the next sixty years and then I’ll die.’ And then it becomes clear to you that it’s a little worse than that. It’s going to last about a year and two months, so you have an idea of the slog you have to make. It’s not like ‘Oh this will last the rest of my life,’ then it’s very melodramatic and who even knows what that feels like? So it’s really not real.
But a year and two months is a real span of time that you can reckon, right? And if you have to endure solitude and the inability to communicate with other human beings for a year and two months, that’s a pretty hard thing to face. And you come to confront demons, and you say to the demons ‘Could we come to some sort of agreement where you will take care of me, and I will worship you, and at the end of this period we will shake hands like gentlemen and part ways.’
Other people will advise you not to say this to your demons but I cannot stand with these people. Sometimes you must deal with demons. This is called In Memory Of Satan.”
How good or bad is this? Once the rusted sun has descended beneath the skyline and the moon has sewn itself amid the stars, I marvel at the circumstances which have led me to become this satanic youth. I was once a Saint, called to an exotic land in an effort to share love and other such treasures with its strange inhabitants. Now, I have been torn to insanity and, like the moon, sewn into someone whom lacks both audaciousness and morality, as well as the desire to live an admirable future.
I am a vicious editor to myself and anyone else who gets within easy grabbing distance, neither Starke nor I are a great place to go for first impressions when you’re looking for someone to build up your confidence.
That is my warning.
We’re also not really set up for this kind of one on one critique, so take this like a classroom exercise.
The sun can’t rust. It is an ongoing fusion reaction, it cannot oxidize. You want “rusty red” for color. Sounds like rusted. That’s the first thought I had. The moon sowing itself amongst or amidst (not amid) the stars is a nice image, but since the moon rises I don’t know how well it really plays.
Passive voice is also an issue, though I see what you’re going for.
“Once the rusty red sun descended beneath the skyline and the moon sowed itself amid the stars, I found myself marveling at the circumstances which led me to become this satanic youth.” - this is past tense
“Once the rusty red sun has descended beneath the skyline and the moon sewn itself amidst the stars…” it gets confusing in the latter half and all those repetitions of “has” makes it feel like its moving to present tense, then it does but doesn’t.
“Once the rusty red sun has descended beneath the (descriptor) skyline…”
You describe the sun but nothing else, not the color of the moon nor the stars, but also not the skyline. As your reader, I have no idea what this skyline looks like or where we are. So for the moment, it’s just… there.
Basic questions: why are they marveling at their fall from grace? Why do they have to wait for the sun to go down before they think? I get that the sowing of the moon into the sky is the same as their light being sown into the darkness of someone’s soul, but it doesn’t work as set up in the first sentence.
If the character is torn to insanity then how are they thinking properly? Are you certain “audaciousness” is the word you want when paired with “morality”? I’m not entirely certain on what passivity has to do with morality because it it isn’t explained.
It’s not bad, it’s just got a few word issues. Some comma problems too, but I know that feel. You’re also having tense issues. I’d say on a glance you’re trying for a style of writing that you’re not that familiar with, thus it comes across as trying to hard but it’s also a very short paragraph. It’s got some nice imagery though or potential for it.
“Who” not “whom”. Whom is accusative. “Torn to insanity” doesn’t make sense. Ravaged. Worn. “My mind rent to the point of madness”. You need a subject. And I’m really not clear on what is actually happening other than you probably should cut “exotic” for foreign lands.
You’re aping 19th century language because I can see the King James Bible in your sentence structure and word choice, and it’s reminding me of Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. (Not in a good way.)
“The misery of man appears like childish petulance, when we explore the steady and prodigal provision that has been made for his support and delight on this green ball which floats him through the heavens.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
And just buy the The Norton for Victorian Literature or get it gifted to you as a Christmas present because really. You want to write it, read all of it like a good English Major.
My advice is this:
Don’t ask for anyone else’s opinion until you have a finished piece or you’re confident enough in your own work that you don’t have to ask. Understand the works from the time period that you are pulling from. And always, always, use detail to ground the reader in your story. Even from just three sentences, it is too general with the language. Specificity is your friend.
Basically, it is a rough draft.
All rough drafts suck.
If the story interests you and you want to pursue it, then do so.
Don’t let anyone stop you.
“There seems to be necessity in spirit to manifest itself in material forms; and day and night, river and storm, beast and bird, acid and alkali, preexist in necessary Ideas in the mind of God, and are what they are by virtue of receding affections in the world of spirit. A Fact is the end of the last issue of spirit. The visible creation is the terminus or the circumference of the invisible world.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
this honestly bothers me when people say things like this. I understand if everyone doesn’t like the same music but that is no excuse to tell someone that the music they listen to is going to make them, “ end up in hell.” And the music I listen to has no conflict with “getting back on the right path of god.” Fall out boy is NOT satanic music. If the youth of today needs saving it has nothing to do with my music choice. And the fact that, “ whatever else I listen to,” is now forbidden. Then so be it. I like that “ metal, punk, and screamo,” I listen to. sorry not sorry.