sassy logan

7

And in that moment,                                                                                                                       I swear we were infinite.

The beginning of the first session of our sophomore year (is basically new PC introductions, so this is very long):
  • DM: Wind whips the sharp rain across your bodies, soaking its cold into you even further. A wave that dwarfs the three-masted ship you're on crashes over you, washing men and wreckage into the ichor-black water. All you can do is cling to whatever railing or rigging you've found and endure the raw fury of the ocean. There was no time for preparation or even to flee belowdeck, azure sky eclipsed by the roaring tempest in a matter of heartbeats. The water and the wind leaves you deafened and near-blind as your very existence seems to tear itself apart around you. The ship crests a wave and you see before you a swirling maw in the sea that holds only blackness. Your course is inevitable. The crew has been lost, and no feats of strength or of seamanship can counter the force that has driven the weather against you. Demented laughter booms like thunder as you are swept into the hungry ocean. The boards beneath you crack and splinter, the icy water freezes your muscles and fills your lungs. The singular chaos of sound grows silent, and you sink into the void.
  • Party: *silence*
  • Logan: Alright, good campaign guys!
  • Alice: You win!
  • DM: Ahem. But we get ahead of ourselves, for this is not how your story begins. There are many types of beginnings: fairy tales often begin with "Once upon a time..."; Great epics with the heraldry of the hero or of his people. Some stories start with a far-off land, a god, and their timeless homes. The best stories, though, the ones dearest to my heart, well. They begin in a tavern.
  • Logan: TAVEEERN!
  • *shire music begins playing*
  • DM: This particular tavern is the Enchanted Beaver -
  • *party snickers*
  • DM: -located along the main docks of the city of Aowen, capital of Meroweth and the jeweled city of Silver Bay. There, an unsettlingly tall sorcerer is conducting interviews.
  • Logan: Perfect. Next!
  • DM: Alright. Who shall we start with?
  • Michaela: Not it. Nose goes.
  • Logan: Next!
  • Me: Thym, I think you're actually scaring people away.
  • John: Hello.
  • Logan: Hi! How are you?
  • John: I don't do interviews.
  • Logan: It's... more of a job application.
  • John: I don't want a jo-
  • Logan: HI. How are you?
  • John: *something inaudible*
  • Logan: Listen, sassiness will get you nowhere. I'm Thym.
  • John: Howser.
  • Logan: Howser?
  • John: Colonel Howser.
  • Logan: Colonel Howser. Colonel of what?
  • John, OOC: Fuck, I keep doing this. It's Cardinal.
  • Michaela: Cardinal of what?
  • Logan, laughing: No, kerdinal of what!
  • John: *again inaudible*
  • Logan: I understand. How can I help you?
  • John: I have learned that you are intending to travel to The Islands.
  • Logan: Yes, I am.
  • John: *something vaguely audible about an evil sorcerer and it being his prerogative to kill tyrants or something like that*
  • Logan: I do like prerogatives.
  • John: *inaudible*
  • Logan: What can you add to the effectiveness of this Grade-A team? (OOC) I point to no one behind me.
  • John: Well, for starters, I'm not stationary.
  • Logan: Excellent! Question One: Are you an asshole who will leave halfway through an adventure?
  • John: If there are monsters to be slain, I will be-
  • Logan: You're in! NEXT.
  • Alice, muffled: Hold on, I've got something in my mouth.
  • Logan: Speak!
  • Alice, in character: Agh! Oh my G0d, what, what, I'm-
  • Logan: This guy's got a deep and commanding voice. What do you have?
  • Alice: Hi, hi! OhmyG0d, hi!
  • Logan: Hi.
  • Alice: OhmyG0dOhmyG0dOhmyG0dOHMYG0D! You're Thym! THE Thym The Sorcerer! Known throughout many dimensions - and I have traveled through many dimensions, planes, and crazy planes and opposite worlds and that one world that's made of croissants - and I've found YOU.
  • Logan: Yeah, I blew a plane up with a crystal. It was pretty terrifying.
  • Alice: .......
  • Logan: .....
  • Alice: You're amazing.
  • Logan: What are you?
  • Alice: I'm a... person! Man! Person-man! Persimmon, yes, Norman Persimmon NogginNoodle, at your service, sorcerer extraordinaire of the aberrant planes and -
  • Logan: Norman. Cool arms.
  • Alice: Wow, thanks!
  • Logan, sarcastically: What can you add to THIS A-Grade squad?
  • Alice: Oh, wow, a tall guy! You look cool.
  • Logan: I'm sitting. How can you tell?
  • Alice: No, he's tall. *gestures to John* Though, everyone's tall. I'm a gnome. I am a gnome. That is it. That is all.
  • Logan: Okay, well, you can sit up on the desk if you want.
  • Alice: I specialize in invocation, and transmutation! If you don't like something, I can change it! If you don't like me, I can change it. *giggles nervously* Please like me.
  • Logan: I'll keep that in mind. Go stand by that guy. *gestures to John* Next!
  • Party: *silence*
  • Emily: *raises hand*
  • Logan: Okay. Hi. You have a cool axe.
  • Emily: Thanks.
  • Logan: Name?
  • Emily: Sheeela.
  • Logan: Sheila. Okay. Where are you from?
  • Emily: The Dirt.
  • Logan: The dirt?
  • Emily: Yeah.
  • Logan: Interesting. A woman of the earth. So you're a druid?
  • Emily: No, I'm... *trails off uncertainly* (she's a first-time player)
  • Logan: I can see you're new to this world. Um, what can you do to benefit our party?
  • Emily: *long pause* Um. I have a spyglass.
  • Logan: Excellent! What would you say is your biggest disadvantage in the workplace?
  • Emily: *longer pause* Color-coordinating. I have color-coordinating problems.
  • Logan: Okay. Now, say you were staring down three teleporting blink-dogs (he's actually referring to the hounds of tindwylos the DM kept siccing on us in the last story arc) in an aberrant plane and all you had was a crystal that could possibly destroy it but maybe kill you, sending you back in time. What would you do?
  • Whole party: *silence*
  • John: What?
  • *Whole party bursts out laughing*
  • Emily: Can I call a family member?
  • Logan: That was close to the right answer, which was: Ask Thym what to do! Go stand over there. Next!
  • Michaela, playing an 11 year old fetchling fresh from the Shadow Plane: Hi.
  • Logan: Hi!
  • Michaela: Hi.
  • Logan: Hi! *pause* So, you talk first.
  • Michaela: I talk first?
  • Logan: Well, now I did, so you kinda screwed it up.
  • Michaela: I said "hi" firs-
  • Logan, demandingly: Who are you?
  • Michaela: My name's Leilani, so yeah.
  • Logan: Interesting... What would you say your favorite color was?
  • Michaela: I don't know, I come from a place where there isn't any color. It's actually kind of scary to be here.
  • Logan: *pause* Uh, two horses leave a town, traveling in opposite directions. One travels at 50/mph, the other dies instantly. Which horse is best?
  • Michaela: Is this... a trick question?
  • Logan, seriously: No. I am asking you which horse is best: the one that dies instantly, or the one that can successfully travel at fifty miles an hour, an exceptional speed for a horse.
  • Michaela: Well, you didn't tell me where we were. In a desert, the one that is dead would probably be of more use to me.
  • Logan: Explain how.
  • Michaela: You cut open its belly and crawl inside so you don't freeze to death.
  • Logan: It's a desert. You're in a town. It died in a town. Why don't you stay at an inn? What if its blood freezes, giving you hypothermia in the night?
  • Alice: I have been to a dimension that is nothing but dead horses. It was terrifying.
  • Logan: Alright, what's your name?
  • Michaela: My name's Leilani.
  • Logan: Leilani? Alright, I'm gonna write these down. *to John* So, your name is Hector...
  • John: Howser.
  • Logan: Howser...
  • Me: Hector.
  • Michaela: Hector-Howser?
  • Alice: I'm gonna go sit over with Trillani.
  • Michaela: Leilani.
  • Logan, to Alice: Uh, okay, I know it, but it's something weird... *points to Alice* Name!
  • Alice: Uh, oh, you can call me that, but my name is Norman.
  • Logan: Norman... *turns to Emily* Sheila...
  • Emily: Yeah.
  • Logan: Sheeelaaaaaaa. Aaaand... *turns back to Michaela* Ilani?
  • Michaela: Leilani.
  • Logan, nodding: Leilani. Layla.
  • Michaela: Uh... Layla! That's not me.
  • Logan: Your name sounds like Layla. Excellent!