sassy artemis is sassy

anonymous asked:

Hello mister Scamander! I have a question for you: the ladder to get in and out of your suitcase seems very instable to me. Has it ever fallen over?

If you’re asking if I’ve ever accidentally trapped myself inside my case after an unfortunate incident with an escaped creature, had the ladder topple over in the process, and resulted in my brother discovering what had happened to me three days later-

Then no, this has never happened.

Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian: A Translation

This is a translation of the Gnommish written at the bottom of the pages of the novel Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian, written by Eoin Colfer. Punctuation and embellishments such as hyphens, apostrophes, and italics have been added. The English translation is as follows:

The last will and testament of Artemis Fowl the Second.

Being the final wishes of Artemis Fowl in the event of his death at the hands of the pixie Opal Koboi.

Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this will becomes null and void and shall have no weight in any court, human or fairy.

I, Artemis Fowl the Second, being of exceedingly sound mind and reasonably sound body, bequeath my estate and advice as follows.

To my father, I leave the three hundred million dollars in bearer bonds that are hidden, believe it or not, under my own bed, the last spot anyone would think to look, and possibly the most booby-trapped place on earth. Butler will know to disengage the security measures.

To my darling mother, I leave my stocks portfolio, including my shares in ethical funds and registered charities, which I know she will manage with the usual moral determination, and I also bequeath to her the department store on New York’s Fifth Avenue, which I had planned to give to her on her birthday.

I wish my brother Myles to inherit my laboratory and all its equipment, with access to the special projects room to be granted on his eighth birthday, when he will be mature enough to deal with other dimensions, alien, and time travel.

For my brother Beckett, I have purchased a lifetime’s supply of slime, so he can coat himself in gunge as often as he pleases. I also wish Beckett to have the ant farm, provided he promises not to eat any of the ants.

My faithful bodyguard, Butler, is of course entitled to his generous severance package, and is under no obligation to stay on, but it would be greatly appreciated if he renewed his contract and remained in the employ of the Fowl family. Apart from his pension, I wish Butler to become legal owner of the apartments in which he has lived since I was born, and the dojo where he tried to teach me to fight.

To Juliet Butler, who has protected my brothers so faithfully, I leave my sound system, which is based on gel speaker technology, and which should make even her collection of modern music sound reasonably non-offensive. I also leave to Juliet the three sports cars, and a lifetime subscription to the wrestling channel.

To my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police, I leave the thirty-seven solid gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped her all those years ago. I know that I can never make up for that crime, but hopefully you can think of me as a friend, when you do think of me.

To the dwarf Mulch Diggums, I leave the refrigerated warehouse in London Docklands that is stocked with enough frozen chicken to satisfy even his appetite for several decades.

To the centaur Foaly, I leave the blueprints to an interstellar craft that is so advanced, it makes his spacecraft look like hot air balloons. I have hidden the designs inside his own system, where he would never think to look for them. To find them, Foaly must open his own security file to me, blink eight times, and say the words, “Artemis Fowl is smarter than I am.” I this does not work, then at least I will smile in the afterlife.

This is repeated as many times as the number of pages in the novel permits.

anonymous asked:

hAvE yOu hEArD oF hAmIlToN

I’ve heard of proper capitalization, and I’m sure that’s equally important.

anonymous asked:

Newt, I've noticed you don't understand "pick-up lines". Or any kind of pun fot that matter...

I assure you I understand puns quite well, and I could probably pick up any line you would like me to.  

secondstar-acorn  asked:

Hi Newt! I was wondering what it means when a phoenix randomly pops up in your room in a burst of fire, hops on your shoulder, and then bursts into flames and is gone? Because that just happened and I'm confused.

I’m not positive, but I think it means you should drink a smidge less firewhiskey before bed.  

anonymous asked:

Ey, Newt? The niffler's running around my school and erm... almost but my friends finger off (he was wearing a gold ring.) Should I be worried about that?

Well I’d say that depends on how much you like your friend.

But I wouldn’t be too worried, no.  The niffler will be on its way as soon as it’s found everything shiny in the vicinity. 

lizzietheteenagewitch  asked:

What is the best thing about being a Hufflepuff? And do you miss Hogwarts and the common room?

Our fashion sense, I should think.  Not everyone can pull off yellow.

And I do, yes- very much so, in fact.  There’s nothing quite like a quiet afternoon in the Common Room, or a morning by the lake.  I hope to return, someday.

hi-avery-deactivated20170220  asked:

Mr. Scamander? What is your patronus?

Hello!  Well, it’s average sized.  Silver.  Well-formed, I’ve been told.

asktheseusscamander-old  asked:

Hello, little brother, I haven’t heard from you for a long time now—and mother has neither. As you are back in England she asked for you to join us for dinner if you can make time. How does that sound? I also request your presence at the Ministry as we need your testimony on the incident that happened in New York. I expect you to show up on Monday at 9 a.m. in my office. – Best regards, Theseus

Dearest Theseus,

I will of course be attending dinner tomorrow evening.  It is your birthday, after all.  You’re getting very old, brother.  Shouldn’t you be considering retirement soon?

I’ve owled mother to let her know I’ll be by, so you needn’t bother.  I’ll also try to arrive before you, to make sure the hippogriffs are out of their pens.  I’m sure you’ve missed them and would like to say hello.  Artemis in particular, I would wager.

As you know I’m currently very busy with the editing of my book and there’s no guarantee I can make that appointment on Monday- my time in the Ministry is very sporadic at the moment.  And of course what with you being such an important Auror and all it would simply be rude of me to show up any other time.  

Nothing much of interest happened in New York in any case, so I’m not sure why it would matter.  

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.  I’ve had a cane ordered as your present.

Your little brother,

Newt S.

( @asktheseusscamander is celebrating Theseus’ birthday tomorrow, January 14th!  For anyone who’s interested, wander on over and show our favorite British Auror a little birthday cheer. )

starcrossed-fighters  asked:

Hey Newt. If you weren't sorted into Hufflepuff, what house do you think you'd be in?

Ah, not too sure on that, really.  Hufflepuff was quite a good fit for me.  Maybe Ravenclaw, possibly, but it’s hard to say.  Not Slytherin, I think… and Gryffindor would have clashed with my hair.

anonymous asked:

Hello Newt! When you were in NYC, what did you miss the most about home? When I visited the big city I missed a good cuppa more than anything else ✨

I quite missed people not trying to kill me, for one.  But yes, the lack of tea was also noted.  

anonymous asked:

Hi Newt! What was your time at Hogwarts like? Did you get in trouble a lot (pre expulsion)? And if so, what for?

Trouble?  No, no trouble.  I was a model student.  Never got in trouble for wandering in forbidden areas, or for keeping too many puffskeins in my dormitory.  

Or for breeding nifflers in the greenhouse planter boxes.  Charming a bully’s robes orange.  Attempting to keep a pixie from a Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson.  Falling asleep in the owlery and missing classes.    Using a tickling charm on a friend during exams.  Pocketing a hedgehog from Charms class.

So you know, best behaviour only.

fromevanhansen  asked:

Mr. Scamander, what is your opinion on the North American houses, and where do you fit in?

I find it strange they are built mostly of wood, and I fit into most of them just fine.  The British are the same size as anyone else.

hpfangrl  asked:

Do you have an animagus form? And if so, are you registered?

On the off-chance that I wasn’t registered, it would be quite a mistake for me to admit to the first, don’t you think?