Aries: cartman turns on old men in a chat room and one of them is mr garrison but then he brings everyone to a nambla meeting and gets kenny’s dad raped by three dozen men
Taurus: eric fakes tourrette’s syndrome to swear whenever and talk about Jews on tv but he ends up not being able to control what he says and starts talking about how he and his cousin touched penises and why doesn’t he just sit down. sit down. right over there
Gemini: butters has the biggest dick
Cancer: ex vice president al gore visits south park elementary to talk about manbearpig. stan feels bad because he doesn’t have any friends and gets kyle, cartman, and kenny to visit his meeting and they end up going to a cave but then al gore shoots the cave walls and the squad gets caved in so cartman ends up eating fake treasure while there’s a funeral and the cave is flooded and they have to haul cartman’s fat ass out and he just. shits fake gold all over the place.
Leo: butters is naked in a glass box in a music video while cartman sings about vagina and boobs and stan gets full of himself and then jesus bullies a movie producer and stan ends up jacking it in san diego
Virgo: kfc is closed down and replaced with a medicinal marijuana store and so randy gives himself testicular cancer by microwaving his balls and they grow bigger than himself so he uses them like those balls that you hop around on and then everyone in town is microwaving their dicks and getting high off weed while cartman is illegally dealing kfc
Libra: oprah winfrey’s vagina doesn’t put the gun down??
Scorpio: stan takes everyone ziplining so he can get a free ipod nano but it turns into a shouldn’t be alive episode and they nearly die of boredom and then they need to escape by riding horses but they scream the whole time and cartman smells like ass and shits his pants and then they try to get back via boat and kenny infects everyone with herpes and dies but mr hankey the christmas poo saves them
Sagittarius: the gay fucking mayor kidnaps butters and terrorists threaten Santa and piss in strawberry shortcake’s eyehole and then the government secretly nukes everyone’s imagination but butters is the chosen one and he saves imaginationland also kyle sucks cartman’s balls
Capricorn: stan is diagnosed as being a cynical asshole and literally sees everything as shit. just. it’s all shit. cartman shoves burgers up his ass. stan ends up in a matrix ripoff club thing where they drink alcohol and shoot guns and he’s running around drunk while cartman is selling ass burgers but everyone ends up accidentally shooting themselves
Aquarius: people piss in the waterpark so much that it literally turns to piss. that’s it. people piss and stan and Kyle have to drink the piss to save each other
Pieces: that one book man rapes a chicken so he can teach officer barbrady to read