santa! i know him!


june is pride month so i doodled a few of my lgbt ze headcanons real quick because! they’re good

(i don’t mind if you share these exact headcanons or not they’re just my own personal ones)

The 25 Days of Shit Slytherins Say: #17
  • Gryffindor: "Who's that from?"
  • Slytherin: "Santa, obviously. Because you know, I worship him. No wait, that's Satan. I always get them confused."

Jaehyun *sees Ten holding a package*: Who’s that from?

Ten: Santa, obviously. Because, you know, I worship him. No wait, that’s Satan. I always get them mixed up.

Title: Your owner


Member: J-hope/Jung Hoseok

AU: Puppy Hybrid

Genre: fluff, smutishhhh

A/N: Okay, this was a request so I tried to keep it the way it was requested. However, I’m thinking about making a second part.. SO EVERY FEEDBACK IS APRECIATED. As is every request.<3 


4 years ago

 19. December

“Dear Santa Claus, this Christmas I want a friend. It can be a furry friend too. Something like a puppy. This year I have been a good girl and I have been listening to my parents. I believe that you will make my wish come true”

Paper after paper, letter after letter. It has to be perfect. Even though I know that Santa Claus is only my precious parents this letter has to be perfect. I’ve been asking for a puppy since I was six. I have a feeling that this year is going to be the year. This year I will finally have my puppy. A brown one, almost red and it will be one of those little creatures that will turn into big guarding dogs.

With the thoughts of my future friend, I ran down the stairs from my bedroom to the living room. My mum was in the middle of heated explanation how the latest book she was reading made absolute no sense while dad was listening and smiling as if he sees mum for the first time. Their love was adorable, their love for pets…not so much.

“It’s done. Mum here. It is even written on Christmas paper. I put a lot of effort in it.”

She smiled at me with her really warm smile that always made me believe that there is hope. Of course she knew what I wanted, because every year I ask for the same thing.

 “I know honey. I’m going to give it to Santa and let him decide. How about that? Now go to bed.” 

“Yes mama. Dad, good night. I love you both.” I feel like this time I made it. This puppy is mine.

Running up the stairs back to my room, I jumped on the bed, curling in the blanket, hugging my little stuffed bunny and dreaming of endless games with my new furry friend, who I was sure I’m getting. He is going to be my little bundle of hope. Hope, this is going to be his name. Hope.

25. December

The moment my sleepy eyes opened, I felt the Christmas rush running through my body. I jumped right through the door of my room.

“Christmas!!!” The shout pierced the air, leaving little feelings of Christmas joy though the air, just like snowflakes.  “Darling, I see you are excited.” really mummy, really?

“Why is that?” “Like every other kid I’m waiting for my present.” Suddenly a loud knock on the door interrupted my I’m still a child speech. “Will you please go to open the door? I’m little busy making Christmas food. Your Grandmother is coming for dinner.”

Opening the door left me with tears in my eyes. He was everything I have ever wanted. He was brown-red, fluffy, small creature that is going to become my big guardian and he was cuddling in my dad’s arms.

“Merry Christmas.” Dad was all big smiles. He hated dogs five days ago, but now he looked so happy as if my mum gave birth again.

Tears from happiness were making a new Niagara under me while I muttered only one word 




 “You are legal. Congrats on being able to buy alcohol in which you are gonna drawn yourself, because you have no boyfriend. Your best friend, Anni.” Read I out load, looking at my best friend, not knowing what to say. “Should I say thanks or should I smack you with the biology book, which by the way is 550 pages.” “I’m only honest. I love you so much, but you have to find yourself a man. Even I, the biggest nerd have a boyfriend.” She said looking at the direction of our legendary football team and particular at the leader of the team, Sehun, who Inna has been dating for almost a year now. “Thank you for reminding me, even on my birthday, that I’m miserable. I appreciate that.” My mood was slowly dying, no matter the fact it was my birthday. “Always here for you. Look, I am saying this as a friend, the only thing you love in your life is Hope and your parents. And Hope is a dog. A big, big dog, but a dog none the less. You can’t expect a boyfriend when you treat your dog like one.” “Excuse you, but actually I prefer Hope to man. If Hope was a man…then he was going to be the perfect man. But he is a dog. So I prefer the dog instead of a horny hormone creature.” Daggers were send my way as my BFF only rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.

Anni, actually, has been my best friend for the last three years and no matter the situation I know I can always rely on her. Through the day she is a good student following the rules, queen of the school, through the night she is the queen of the parties.

However I wasn’t. Parties have never been my thing. Too loud, too sweaty, too many bodies in the same places, too much smell of sex. On party you can meet boys our age, but almost all of them are only horny bastards waiting for a quick fuck.

“The dog can’t bring you the pleasure a man can.” She looked at me with the face *Got you* and she actually did “Don’t you dare telling me you don’t touch yourself at the thought of a handsome stranger ravishing you. I know all your kinks. I have gone through your phone.”

Flaming red spread on my cheeks. It was true I had some kinks and that whenever I feel like it or I was bored to death at home my fingers instantly disappeared under my pajama shorts. I am an experimental kind of person. I have tried all kind of things on my feels. Inna calls it “NOT HAVING A MAN”, I call it “Learning about myself.

“But still…I want to find a man that fits into my criteria list. Not some random dude that won’t even be able to satisfy me and my needs. I am a bratty little creature sometimes.” “You tell me that. Sometimes even I don’t know how to live with you.”

As the talk was progressing from 0 to 100 real quick, we heard a “There you are.” And came face to face with Sehun.” Happy birthday pup Y/N. You will be able to buy alcohol and get drunk because you have no boyfriend. Congrats.” This two have been going out for too long. They even say the same things now. “Are you two a couple by any chance? Because just like I’m gonna hit her with the biology book, I will hit you with the philosophy one, which is just as big.” I said smiling sarcastically at the tall giant standing in front of us. He smiled back with his *you won’t do it* smile.

“Guys, listen. As my only friends I proudly invite you to at our family dinner dedicated to my birthday. This is an exclusive invitation that no else has the privilege to become.” “Does it involve your mother chocolate German cake?” they said at the same time looking at me. But I have already predicted this question “For who do you take me? Of course it has my mums’ chocolate German cake.” “We are in.” they said together again. Sometimes I’m thinking if their minds are just two halves of only one. The sound of the bell interrupted our chat about the dinner table tonight. And the teacher walked into the room like a dictator and I was ready to fight this math class.

Thank God the clock decided to move faster and in no time school was finished, the subway came fast and on time, I was home earlier than expected. The moment the door opened I was greeted with a bark of happiness and no light at all.

The house was empty and almost no sound could be heard, expect for the steps of a giant dog coming my way. “Hope! How have you been big boy? Have you eaten yet?” he barked and I knew he haven’t eaten yet. ”Okay, I understand. Since you have been a very good boy lately and I have birthday today, I brought you something special.” I said pulling out his favorite snack, small white chocolate granules, puting them in his cup and sitting next to him. His brown fur turned more red with time and by now it is almost dusted red.

“Hope, I recently had a dream. In it I had a boyfriend. He was really handsome. Somehow it reminded me of you. Can you imagine if you were a human? I imagine you being really handsome. If you were a man, then I would’ve gladly fallen in love with you, because I know you will be great.” 

And for a moment Hope stopped eating and looked at me. Like he actually knew what I was talking about. Like he understood me and any second he was going to turn into human. But he didn’t do anything. Only continue watching me. 

The front door cracked, heels making noises on the marble floor of the house and I hear my most favorite voice. Mum is back home.

“Honey, are you home?” this honey voice is the reason why I am a good daughter. “I’m in the kitchen with Hope. We were having an interesting chat. ” “Can you help your old mother to do the German chocolate cake. Are Anni and Sehun coming?” “Of course they are. They are my only friends.” “Good, that means less trouble for me. Come here and give me the eggs from the fridge.” 

3 hours later, lots of laughing and joking on our little family birthday dinner, made me so frustrated that I can’t explain it. The handsome stranger. He was stuck in my mind. But also the look on Hope’s face. He was strange lately. Following me around, cuddling me whenever he could. I tell you, just as if he is going to turn into human every second now. I got so distracted in thoughts that I hardly heard when my best friend said “Y/N time to blow your candles and make a wish.” Mum brought out everyone’s favorite cake with so many pink candles. I love pink, therefor my candles were pink, just like the icing of the cake. “Make a wish.” Said Anni, smiling like a proud mother. ”Oh, and don’t tell us about it.” Just as I was about to make a wish a lick on my knee reminded me that Hope was here too. Mum saw him under the table and called out his name. He went next to her and stayed like the perfectly trained dog he was. But his eyes. Those eyes weren’t the eyes of an animal. I swear to god those eyes are human. And I knew what to wish *I wish that my handsome stranger is a real, breathing human being that will satisfy my boyfriend to do list. I want nothing more and nothing less than that.*

The flames from the candles died down just like the family dinner. Soon after everyone were happy and full from my mother’s cooking, we all went to sleep. My father drived both Sehun and Anni, because he didn’t trust the tall giant of a boyfriend. For her my father is like her second father. Always taking care for her like his own daughter.  I helped mum clean the table and soon after I was tugged in the warmth of my blanket in my favorite oversized shirt.

Just as I was about to fall asleep I felt the bed sinking and a giant fluff ball lying next to me.

“Hope, is this necessary? Can’t you sleep on the floor like the other dogs? Or at least don’t sleep on my head.” He looked at me like I’m stupid and not able to understand his reasons for doing this, which I really did not understand. But he didn’t move and I just gave up. “Fine, this is the last night you sleep here. I will let you since is my birthday.” At that time I had no idea how wrong I am and soon sleep took over me and the train to dreamland drove off.

 Morning sun flooded my closed eyes so naturally I hid from it turning to the side of the headboard on my right. It was so cosy and nice and it had abs. The headboard caged me between its arms bringing me warmth and safeness. Wait…MY BED HAS NO HEADBOAR. A HEADBOAR HAS NO STRONG ARMS. AND IT DOESN’T SMELL LIKE HOPE’S SHAMPOO. My eyelids instantly opened and I wasn’t wrong. Caging me between his arms was a stranger. My stranger. The one I dreamed about with the dusty red hair and handsome features. He was lying on my bed half naked, only in grey sweatpants looking like a God while sleeping like a baby. It was a sin to wake him up, but I can’t just let my parents see a total stranger cuddling with their daughter on a Saturday morning. So lightly shaking his arm, the words fell of my mouth “Excuse me, who are you? What are you doing here? Please wake up.” And he did.

 Slowly opening his eyes, I was greeted with a pair of blue orises which I will never mistake. Those were Hope’s baby blue eyes. “Oh you are awake. I’m sorry I didn’t want to scare you. Are you okay?” “Who are you?” a wide gummy smile lit his features making his handsome face even more handsome. “You can’t recognize me? I’m your handsome stranger, the one that came in your dream.” The feeling of shock overtook me. The only breathing creature on the planet knowing about my dream was Hope and he was a dog. ”How do you know about this?”

“Come on Y/n. You really don’t know who I am? My name is Hoseok, but for the last four years you have been calling me Hope.”

masterlist or if you want to get straight to the next one- 2

Originally posted by supreme-seven

Little one

For the first time in a while the house is thoroughly clean, there’s no spills, no sticky patches, no random crackers on the floor, nothing. The house is entirely clean and full of festivity as your son waddles around trying to find something to get himself into. You hear the front door open and your sons eyes at once peek over at you, “ah, is daddy home?” You coo, watching as the little boy keeps a neutral expression before turning back to watching the Christmas lights on the tree. “Hi, my two favourite people.” Harry blissfully, yet tiredly greets coming into view just as he leans down and kisses your cheek. “Hi, it’s about time you come home.” You smile up at him, a sigh escaping his lips.
“I know, I know. I’m two days over due, I’ll make it up to you.” He cracks a smile, “now where is my lil fella?” He chimes, turning around to see his child twiddling with the Christmas balls on the tree. “Whatcha doin’ baby?” He coos, grabbing his sons attention and scooping him up in his arms. “Ah you’re getting big.” He bounces the boy on his hip, gently poking at his little stomach. “Y/N why is my son dressed as a reindeer?” Harry questions, placing a small kiss to his sons chubby cheek.
“Because it’s cute.” You wear a smile,
“Darlin’ we brought your niece this exact onesie.” He comments,
“It was cute, he doesn’t know the difference.”
“Can we possibly refrain from dressing our son as a reindeer with pretty pink bows?”
“Would you prefer me to dress him as a baby elf?”
“Yes, I don’t like the bows.”
“So, are you saying only girls can wear bows?”
“No, no, no. I’m just saying- damnit. Okay, I don’t the bows.” Harry groans, bouncing his son on his hip.
“Fine, but I heard no complaints from him.” You gesture to your baby boy as he coos and giggles at Harry.
“Honey, that’s because he can’t talk.” Harry chuckles,
“I suppose.” You sigh, “if you’d give me a girl I wouldn’t have to dress our son with pretty bows.” You smile with a sneering smile, watching as he rolls his eyes.
“We can discuss that later. How about some daddy cuddles? Hmm?” Harry coos as he places yet another kiss to his sons forehead. “Cuddles, I like that.” Harry continues, falling beside you on the couch and playing with the little one. “Can you say daddy? Da-dd-y” harry a bit slowly enunciates, hoping to convince his son to verbalise Daddy.

All that you both have managed to get from him is casual babbling and occasionally he says “Da.” There’s no doubt in your mind that your son will utter daddy long before mummy, unfortunately he doesn’t even babble “Mu/Ma”
“Daddy.” Harry continues to voice, your sons hazel eyes glancing up at Harry with slight confusion. “Da” your son points to you, giggling to himself, “that’s mummy.” Harry smiles, “mummy, daddy.” He gestures between the two of you.
“Da.” Your son holds his arms to you, squeezing his hands open and shut, “aw, but daddy wants to love on you.” Harry sighs with a small pout,
“Daddy wants to play.” You coo to your son, poking his cute cheeks and placing a small kiss to his nose.
“We still need to take him to see Santa.” Harry comments,
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, I think he will cry.”
“All kids do, it’s part of the fun.”
“Are you going to stand in the hour Long line with me and then spend an hour settling our son after seeing Santa?” You question, knowing very well that your son will shed tears like every other toddler tends to do.
“Yes, I’ll be there.” Harry nods,
“Uh huh, just like you came Christmas shopping?” You raise a brow, watching as he rolls his eyes,
“I was drunk when I agreed to that. You know I hate Christmas shopping and the damn crowds.”
“Oi, language!” You scold,
“Babe, he’s not going to repeat me when I say damn. He doesn’t repeat daddy. He won’t say damn.” Harry comments taking absolutely no care to the little ears.
“If he says damn, I’m blaming you.” You nudge Harry gently,
“You just said it, it’s your fault too.” Harry chuckles, “isn’t that right? Hmm. Isn’t mummy to blame too?” Harry tickles the little boy, watching as his eyes light up and he giggles louder.

After constant giggles and babbles your little boy is quietly curled up on Harry, nestled comfortably into him as he becomes sleepy. “I’ve missed this.” Harry reveals, distracting you from the Christmas movie on the television.
“Yeah, but work is work.” You yawn, looking over and smiling at how cutely your son is cuddled up. Picture perfect moment.
“Mhm, so you want another one of these little guys, huh?” Harry gestures to the sleepy toddler,
“I want a girl.” You nod, moving closer and cuddling into Harry’s side,
“What, are us men not good enough for ya?” He jokes, an arm draping around you as the other continues to stay securely around the boy.
“More than enough, but you won’t let me dress our son in cute girly things.” You pucker your face,
“Sorry, baby. You know, if we try again we could end up with another boy.” He winks, “I wouldn’t mind another boy. Start an army of good men.” He chuckles to himself,
“If we try again, we could have a girl for Christmas.” You chime, not exactly wanting a male dominated house.
“We also could have another boy.”
“Don’t jinx it. So is that a yes to trying again?” You blessedly question, taking note as the little boy is fast asleep, his soft snores just being heard.
“Don’t see why not. We made one adorable lil one, might as well make another.” He responds, “but first, I’m putting him down, he’s slobbering on me.” He screws his nose up, carefully standing to his feet. You decide to trail behind him as he takes your son to his room, watching as Harry carefully puts him in his crib.

Harry steps out of the baby’s room, looking down at you with gleaming eyes. “Hm, in the spirit of Christmas shall we watch another Christmas movie?” He softly asks, licking his lips imperceptibly, your eyes unable to gaze away from his.
“We could.” You nod, “or we could do something else.” You whisper, your arms lightly wrapping around his neck,
“Hmm, and what may that be?”
“I don’t know, the possibilities are endless.” You respond with a soft voice, his lips instantly crashing down on yours, engulfing the two of you into a passionate kiss. He gently pulls away, eyes glistening light the Christmas lights, “so, bedroom?” He questions, his hands moving to rest on your hips,
“No, I wanna watch elf.” You shake your head with a smirk,
“Are you kidding?” He mutters, moving his hands to grasp your behind.
“Definitely.” You nod, placing soft kisses on his neck,
“Mmm.” He sounds, carefully lifting you up and carrying you to the bedroom, making sure not to separate your lips from his tender skin.

anonymous asked:

Hello! How are you today? I want to request a scenario with Kuroo, Bokuto and Tendo (Spiky hair trio xD) when they are at christmas (on the boyfriend side family) and his familys just, loves they s.o ? Like, they are a good girl to marry or, somethings cute teasing ? It can be a little cousin jaelous too xD I hope it's okay D: amazing blog by the way <3

thank you! i realized that i know so little about christmas traditions in general… forgive me (i’m one of the “people of the tribe”, as they say)ヽ(´ー`)┌ some ended up being more about winter than christmas. i also got worried about being too repetitive with the jealous little cousin, so they’re not in tendou’s. i hope that’s cool.


“So, what’s the general consensus?” you whispered to Kuroo. “I’m I in?”

The two of you were seated on the couch of his parents’ house, the same place he had grown up. On the floor, sat his much younger cousins who anxiously waited to unwrap the gifts in their laps. Kuroo flashed you a signature grin before wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

“I told you that they were going to love you before we even got here,” he said. “My aunt said that if we weren’t still in high school that she would be pressuring me to pop the question already.”

You let out a quiet laugh at that and rested your head upon his shoulder. Kuroo planted a kiss on top of your head. This was the kind of soft act of affection that you usually relished in, but in that moment, you felt an unfriendly glare upon you.

“I don’t think I’ve gotten quite everyone’s love yet,” you sighed.

Keep reading

I’ll Be Home for Christmas - Connor McDavid

Originally posted by wonthetrade

“Baby, I’m really sorry I don’t think I can make it home.” your boyfriend sighed over Skype. “I wanted to really badly, but with all the snow, our flight out of here got cancelled or really delayed or something and-”

“Connor, you don’t have to apologize.” you said, trying to hide how disappointed you were. Not even in him. In Mother Nature for being a bitch this way. “It’s not your fault Mama Nature’s throwing a temper tantrum to rival last years’ Snowmageddon.”

“Still, I know how badly you want me home and since my parents and brother flew in and you’re my girlfriend and… You’re not the only one who wants me home. I do, too.”

“I know, baby.” you sighed. “I know you want to be home with your family and me. And who knows? Maybe a miracle’ll happen.”

“We can only hope.” he replied. “(Y/N), baby, I gotta go, Ebbers stole Nuge’s toque and I gotta take care of these nerds.”

“Okay, baby. I hope I’ll see you soon.”

“You too.” he said. “Say hi to my folks and Cam for me.”

“You know I will.” you smiled.

“Thank you, love.” he smiled. “I love you. I promise I’ll try to be home for Christmas.”

“I love you more, babe” you said, blowing him a kiss before the call ended.

You sighed and checked the clock. 10 AM where you were in Edmonton on Christmas Eve with snow piled high in the entirety of the country. Edmonton was no exception. Connor’s parents and brother barely made it in on time before the snow started a couple days ago. And since Connor was on a roadie, there would obviously be some form of difficulty in getting back to Edmonton, Christmas or not.

You heard the door downstairs.

“(Y/N)! We’re back!” you heard Connor’s mother, Kelly, exclaim downstairs. “Had to go while the roads were newly plowed!”

You sighed and got up, heading downstairs to be greeted by the three other McDavids. “Hey everyone. Grocery shopping go well?”

“Well, we got what we needed, but I’m about 80% certain the milk’s frozen. Even if we had the heater on in the car.” Connor’s dad, Brian, noted. This made you smile.

“Did you hear from Connie?” Cam, Connor’s brother, asked.

You sighed. “I did. The snow both here and there’s crazy. I don’t think he’ll make it home tonight. Maybe not even tomorrow. Possibly Boxing Day.”

Kelly sighed. “Well, let’s just hope there’s some form of Christmas miracle in the works. He hates missing holidays and I know he misses home. I know this is important to you, dear. It’s supposed to be your first Christmas together.”

“Yeah… I guess we can only hope now, huh?” you noted, going to the kitchen to assist with unpacking the groceries. “Here, let me help with those.”

“Thank you, dear.” Kelly said with a smile as she took a bag of small potatoes and put them in the pantry. You grabbed the carrots, cheese, and the asparagus and put them in the fridge.

After the groceries were all put away, you went back upstairs to yours and Connor’s room, lying down on the bed and putting the TV on. It was playing The Santa Claus, one of yours and Connor’s favorites. You smiled and curled up into the blanket as Tim Allen failed at cooking a turkey

You got a text and saw it was Connor, feeling hopeful, you opened it to see a picture outside the window of what seemed to be a building. The whole of the outside world was painted white, flurries plastered to the window and distorting the picture a little.

“Why?” was all he captioned the picture with.

“Mother Nature’s a wicked woman.” was all you replied with. “I hope this clears up soon. I wanna see you, baby.”

“I wanna see you too.” he sent. “I miss you. I miss my family. I want to be home for Christmas, baby.”

“And maybe something will happen and you will be.”

“I can only hope. I love you, baby.”

“I love you too.”


“You’re still awake?” you heard Kelly ask from the stairs. “Honey, it’s nearly midnight.”

“Kelly, I… I just know he’ll be here. I promise. If he doesn’t show by midnight, I’ll go to bed.”


“I promise.” you said, bartering like a child who wanted to be up for just a few minutes more. “Please?”

Kelly sighed. “Alright. You do you. I just want you to know I’m worried for you. I know that this Christmas was supposed to be the first of hopefully many, but… Sometimes, things change. And there’s always next year, sweetheart.”

“I know, but… I’m holding out for something. Some kind of miracle. Maybe Santa decided to stop and give him a ride, I don’t know.”

Kelly smiled. “We can only hope. I’m going back to bed. Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“Goodnight, Kelly.” you sighed as you went back to your book. Your eyes were starting to get heavy and the clock continued to tick on as you read. It’d been hours since you last heard from him. Maybe his phone had died and he couldn’t find a place to plug in. It seemed likely. You checked the clock again after what felt like forever to find that only twenty minutes had passed. The long hand now edging so close to the top of the clock.

“Four minutes to Christmas…” you sighed to yourself, placing your book down. “He’s not coming tonight. He hasn’t said anything, hasn’t done anything. He’s going to miss Christmas tomorrow, likely. Maybe I’ll wake up to good news… I should just go to bed.”

You sat up and stretched before turning off the lights and starting upstairs. When you hit the halfway mark, however, you heard the door unlock.


You heard the door open and a pair of boots stomp inside as well as a thud of something large and solid hitting the ground..

“Hello?” You heard a muffled voice ask. “Anyone awake?”

There was no way.

You hurried back downstairs to see a figure bundled up in a long, dark grey coat, removing a black scarf from around his neck, a suitcase and a hockey gear bag at his side. He took his toque off to reveal a head of soft, fluffy coppery hair.

“C-Connie?” you asked in disbelief. The figure whipped around to reveal none other than your boyfriend, bundled up to shield himself from the cold outside.

He grinned. “I said I’d be home for Christmas, didn’t I?”

You grinned and ran forward. “Connie!!”

He opened his arms and scooped you up into a hug just as the clock on the wall rang for midnight.

Right on time.

He pulled away and grinned at you, his brown eyes warm and happy as they stared back into your own.

“Merry Christmas, baby.”

You grinned back and pecked his lips. “Merry Christmas, indeed.”

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Sentence Meme

Feel free to change pronouns, etc. if you want!

  • “I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf.”
  • “I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas.”
  • “We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that’s when we find out how strong we really are.”
  • “It tastes like it’s burnt and undercooked.”
  • “I’m very big with the under five set.”
  • “Ease up you little vampire.”
  • “Every time I’m around that man, he tries to grab my ass.”
  • “Apologize now I am begging you.“
  • “You’re the one always acting like she’s running for Mayor of Stepford.”
  • “Not now, honey, Mommy’s threatening Daddy.”
  • “Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?”
  • “I just can’t live in this… detergent commercial anymore.”
  • “It was the sound of a family secret.”
  • “I’m not feeling the grass!”
  • “She’ll find a way to survive. We all do.”
  • “She may be trash, but she’s still a human being.”
  • “And silverware. Remember silverware?”
  • “I don’t even have time to wash my face.”
  • “It’s like a high five on the lips.”
  • “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw soda cans.”
  • “We are raising little terrors, you know that, don’t you?”
  • “Don’t worry I’m not packing heat.”
  • “To live in fear is not to live at all.”
  • “You better get over there. She’s wearing cotton.”
  • “They’re six years old, make them.”
  • “She always overcompensates when she’s stressed.”
  • “You burned your rival’s house down. If that isn’t desperate, then what is?”
  • “Thank you, that’s the nicest way you could’ve said that.”
  • “Get her out of here, she’s killing it for the rest of us.”
  • “Why do I even let you out of the house?”
  • “I hate that I’m turning you into a little thief.”
  • “I got a sunburn the other day washing my car.”
  • “Keep going. I’m mad at you for about 7000 other things.”
  • “When can I have my door back?”
  • “Just know that inside, I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts.”
  • “They won’t make it to their later years if I have to spend all day with them.”
  • “If another sacrifice has to be made, I think it’s your turn on the merry-go-round.”
  • “Mom when this is over we need to talk about your parenting skills.”
  • “Sometimes evil drives a minivan.”
  • “Perhaps he should shove your head into a locker.”
  • “I always assumed I’d have sex for the first time before you had it again.”
  • “What do you know. It’s eighty degrees outside and you’re wearing fur.”
  • “Oh my God. I just want to slap and shake you.”
  • “Slow down you jerk! This is a residential neighborhood!”
  • “I’m going to have to burn every sheet you’ve touched.”
  • “You look old in that.”
  • “You’re never gonna be a sailor, what do you care?“
  • “If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave.”
  • “Lassie would’ve had a firetruck here by now!”
  • “I love my kids so much. I am so sorry they have me as a mother.”
  • “I am so tired of feeling like a failure.”
  • “Treachery never goes out of style.”
  • “When I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not a mental institution.”
  • “Our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan.”
  • “He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s!”
  • “If you were my mom I’d smoke pot too!”
  • “I guess he does sort of have a dorky charm.”
  • “It’s a constant battle between the better angels of our nature and our inner demons.”
  • “Sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness is to shine the light of compassion.”
  • “Fine, fine, be 3’8” for the rest of your life. See if I care?”
  • “I’m not a mutual fund!”
  • “She didn’t like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles.”
  • “Trust is a fragile thing.”
  • “She’s like a roach.”
  • “We’re not like other families are we?”
  • “Why couldn’t he have embezzled like other white collar criminals?”
  • “Please don’t mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.”
  • “You kissed me as though that would end this conversation and it so won’t.”
  • “My husband won’t admit that he has lust in his heart.”
  • “It will snow on the hills of hell before I ever
  • “A more eel would seem safe after you.”
  • “Well we’re not negotiating my uterus.”
  • “I hope someday you have lots of children.”
  • “You’re the man of the house? You can’t even leave it!”
  • “You know the house isn’t that big, you’re going to have to stop avoiding me.”
  • “Memories lie.”
  • “Every once in a while even I want to do the right thing.”
  • “A lifetime of responsibility isn’t always easy.”
  • “Sooner or later, we must all become responsible adults.”
  • “Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mother will also tell you there are some days you wish you could return them.”
  • “The only reason you have anything in your life is because you’re pretty!”
  • “That place is so pretentious. I’ve been dying to go.”
  • “Guys, my hands are tied! Thieves get spanked. That’s just the way it works.”
  • “Do you know what psychological warfare means? No? Well too bad for you.”
  • “Let’s just say I’ve put those feelings in a box and I don’t plan on looking at them for awhile.”
  • “After a few decades whiz by, I’m sure I’ll find a way to forgive him.”
  • “We’re WASPs. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.”
  • “No offense, but you’re getting up there in years you probably forget where you put things.”
  • “Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is.”
  • “I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I’m not stupid enough to walk away from you.”
  • “He’s a teenage boy! We could take away his penis, he’d still try to have sex.”
  • “Guys, this isn’t a hockey league could you take it outside?”
  • “I forgot how fun you are when you’re bitter.”
  • “I’m gonna go take a shower. Jail’s kinda gross.”
  • “My daughter is considering giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn’t take it.”
  • “You know I’ve been broke many times in my life, but I’ve never been poor. Because poor is just a state of mind.”
  • “Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal.”
  • “Awwww, I miss how we used to steal things from each other.”
  • “Oh sweetie, they didn’t abandon you because you’re a whore. You weren’t all that nice to begin with.”
  • “I was on vacation. It made sense at the time.”
  • “What the hell kind of street do we live on?”
  • “Good friends offer to help in a crisis. Great friends don’t take no for an answer.”
  • “Everyone loves a scandal. No matter how big or how small.”
  • “We all honor heroes for different reasons.”
  • “You talk to him all you want. I’m gonna check out the place with the electrified fence.”
  • “That sounds kinda formal for a burrito and a soda.”
  • “You know I so much wanna like you, but you just won’t let me.”
  • “You have to hand it to the Catholics, they do Greek better than anyone.”
  • “Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to talk to me?”
  • “That’s me. Never afraid to create a scene.”
  • “I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.”
  • “Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race.”
  • “I know, baby, it hurts to lose.”
  • “This is the place where good taste goes to die.”
  • “And tonight, whatever you do, don’t call me beautiful.”
  • “Some dreams are just too beautiful to come true.”
  • “I could explain to you what might happen, but I’m a lady and I don’t use that sort of language.”
  • “I would love you even if you were a murderer.”
  • “Could you please at least wait for desert before calling our son a sodomite?”
  • “Honey, I’m hating you a little bit right now.”
  • “Half of life is obligations.”
  • “You just threw rocks in her mother’s face!”
  • “She sorta thinks you’re evil.”
  • “You’re basically a predator. I need your advice.”
  • “You’re such a Republican!”
  • “I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother.”
  • “It’s not my fault you don’t have love in your life!”
  • “You are so far out of your league that you’re playing a completely different sport.”
  • “I can’t have donuts and juice it’s unnatural.”
  • “Why did you hit the lawn boy?”
  • “Maybe after lunch, we could talk about your leather beanbag chair.”
  • “I’m pregnant, caveman, remember?”
  • “For the last time, I won’t bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend.”
  • “If you don’t want to talk to me, fine! At least have the courtesy to hide!”
  • “Not everyone gets a happy ending.”
22 - Santa Baby

AN: this started off with humor and ended in angst! I warned you!


Santa Baby

In an alternate universe or maybe even a past life, he had been an awful person and had very well deserved all of the misfortune he’s serving this lifetime…but Sasuke doubt that. He truly did. See, because for one to be forced in a fat suit, a white itchy beard and a Christmas hat…he had to have been the Devil himself.

He closed his eyes as another greedy, despicable child jumped on his lap. “I want a brand new cellphone and that new game system that’s supposed to come out NEXT Christmas but you’re Santa so I think you should make it happen this year!”

Sasuke wanted to shove the ungrateful little bastard off his lap. He could only imagine how much stress the brat put his parents through. “I think my evil brother, Krampus visits children that ask for more than they are worth,” Sasuke mumbled in the child’s ear as the picture was taken.

Yet another child left running away in tears. Naruto chuckled, “Would you stop being a grinch, man?”

Sasuke glanced over at the blonde elf in green tights. “You’re getting a yeast infection for Christmas.”

Naruto grumbled under his breath and looked down at his tights. They were actually really comfortable and he wanted a pair.

Keep reading

🎁 Elf 🎄(2003) Sentence Starters
  • "You're, uh, you're probably here about the, Uh, the story."
  • "I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves."
  • "Only two weeks left till Christmas!"
  • "What in the name of Sam hill Is that?"
  • "I was his/her adopted father."
  • "Treat every day like Christmas."
  • "There's room for everyone on the Nice list."
  • "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer is singing loud for all to hear."
  • "Well, silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus."
  • "I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins."
  • "I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water."
  • "Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow."
  • "First off, you see gum on The street, leave it there. It's not free candy. Second, There are, like, 30 ray's pizzas. They all claim to be the Original, but the real one' son 11th. And if you see a sign that Says "peep show," That doesn't mean that They're letting you look at presents before Christmas."
  • "We're gonna go ices skating and... And eat sugar plums."
  • "Well... he is on the naughty list."
  • "Does someone need a hug?"
  • "Santa! San-- uh, nope!"
  • "[Gasps] Beautiful! Looks like a Christmas tree."
  • "You're not supposed to be Down here!"
  • "Why you smiling like that?"
  • "Santa!!! Oh, my god!!! Santa here?! I know him! I know him!"
  • "You are very good at decorating that tree."
  • "I'm just trying to get through the holidays."
  • "How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?"
  • "They're kind a pissed about this."
  • "'Cause if I go, we all go."
  • " By the way... I think you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world."
  • "You smell like beef and cheese. You don't smell like Santa."
  • "Just who the heck are you, And what is your problem?"
  • "I thought maybe we could make Gingerbread houses, And eat cookie dough, and go Ice skating, and... And maybe even hold hands."
  • "He got mad at me."
  • "You know, it's a little complicated, but it's nothing that we can't handle."
  • "Is there sugar in syrup?"
  • "Clearly he has some serious issues. We can't just throw him out in the snow."
  • "Well, this is really something. I'm usually the one making breakfast."
  • "I planned out our whole day. First, we'll make snow angels for two hours, and then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll Of Toll-House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then, to finish, we'll snuggle."
  • "How'd you get this number?"
  • "You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day."
  • "So, good news... I saw a dog today."
  • "I really wanted to see you, and... and I think you're beautiful, and I, um... I feel really warm when I am around you, and, um, my tongue swells up. So... Do you wanna go eat food?"
  • "You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card."
  • "You know, I know I sound like a broken record, but we are buddies. You're my best friend, that's it. You're my best friend."
  • "Call me elf one more time!"
  • "Get out of my life! Now!"
  • "I don't belong anywhere."
  • "There seems to be a strange man dressed as an elf wandering through central park."
  • "I didn't mean anything I said back there, not a word."
  • "You believed in me."
  • "Christmas spirit is about believing, not seeing."
  • "Come on, give me your hat and coat."
  • "I'm getting too old for this job."
  • "Come here, little one."

x-serenade  asked:

dearest amy roseee <333 i hope you're doing well, my love :) so my birthday is on wednesday! if you have time, do you think you could write me a schmoopy sterek ficlet? something with birthday cake, perhaps? :D it doesn't have to be long *glomp* tysm!!

Happy Birthday, bby i remembered your prompt from last year, and i put it together with this one, i hope that’s ok


“Greetings and salutations!”

Derek pauses at the entrance to the candy store, his niece and nephew cackling with uncontained glee as they rush off to examine the shelves bursting with sweets. He stops, only because there’s a guy dressed as Willy Wonka behind the till—of the Gene Wilder variety, and not the terrifying Johnny Depp variety, thank god—and he’s smiling brightly at Derek.

“How can I help you and your sweet tooth, today?” He shimmies, shimmies out from behind the counter, purple velvet coat swaying around him, and tips his hat at Derek. Close up, Derek can see big brown eyes, sweeping eyelashes and a pretty Cupid’s bow mouth. It’s an appealing combination, until he looks away from the entrancing face and takes in the bright red bowtie and yellow waistcoat.

“My niece and nephew,” he jerks an arm at them, “I promised they could get some candy before they go home.”

“Ha,” the guy laughs, claps his hands together, “Send them home high on sugar, your sister or brother will be calling you later with complaints.”

Keep reading

The signs as scenes from Elf
  • Aries: the snowball fight scene
  • Taurus: the "you sit on a throne of lies" scene
  • Gemini: Buddy jumping on the Christmas tree and knocking it over
  • Cancer: Buddy decorating the store in the middle of the night
  • Leo: Buddy dancing to "Whoop there it is" on the table in the mail room
  • Virgo: "SANTA!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! I KNOW HIM I KNOW HIM"
  • Libra: buddy trying to figure out how escalators work
  • Scorpio: the scene where Buddy sprays the passion fruit spray in his mouth and freaks out
  • Sagittarius: the scene where Buddy asks a feral raccoon if it wants a hug and gets attacked
  • Capricorn: the "Oh, you're an angry elf" scene
  • Aquarius: the scene where Buddy bursts into that coffee shop and is like WOW WORLDS BEST CUP OF
  • COFFEE GOOD JOB and everyone's like ?????
  • Pisces: the "baby it's cold outside" shower scene
A Calzona advent calendar - December 25th

“Jacob at school says Santa Claus isn’t real.”

The words that came out of their precocious six-year-old’s mouth as she sat colouring at the kitchen table after dinner immediately made Callie stop in her tracks, her eyes slowly looking across the room to meet the blue ones of her wife. Arizona looked equally horrified at the little girl’s admission, but as the moment of silence stretched out awkwardly, she became the first one to reply.

“Well that’s a silly thing to say, isn’t it. Of course Santa Claus is real!”

Hoping her exuberance would be enough to convince their daughter – they both desperately hoped they’d have at least a few more years of Christmas magic – Arizona casually walked over to the table and looked down over Sofia’s shoulders, smoothing a hand over her dark hair.

“How else do you explain the presents that wind up under the tree Christmas morning? Jacob better hope Santa isn’t listening to him.”

“I know. That’s what I said.”

Blinking in surprise – Arizona looked at Callie again and the other woman cautiously smiled. Maybe things weren’t over after all.

“I know Santa is real. Cause last year he got me exactly what I asked for.”

Thinking back to the previous year’s holiday, the older brunette wracked her brain trying to think of what Sofia’s favourite present had been. She couldn’t think of it though – last year had been such a jumble of emotions after their return to Seattle, she was honestly surprised that either of them had managed to get “Santa’s” gifts exactly right.

“Well, Santa’s pretty smart – that’s why he’s Santa, after all. He just knows what every little girl and boy wants for Christmas.”

“No, mama – I asked him. I wrote it in my letter last year, and I didn’t even know if he could do it but he did. That’s how I know he’s real – I was really, really good all year and then he listened.”

Brown eyes met blue from across the kitchen again, and Arizona simply shrugged. She had no idea what the little girl was talking about either, but clearly they’d done their job well in keeping the holiday magic alive.

“What did you ask him for that was so special, sweetie?”

Callie was just curious now – and so she voiced the question as she hung the dish towel back up to dry, placing the last bowl back into the cupboard above her.

Without missing a beat, or a stroke of her crayons, Sofia answered simply.

“I asked him to make you and mommy love each other again.”

Arizona’s eyes immediately softened, and as her gaze met Callie’s again she could see that dark eyes were almost shining with tears – the impact of their daughter’s words hitting them both with an almost overwhelming wave of emotion. Callie just bit her lip, her smile conveying a million things at once but her voice unable to make words, and Arizona looked down at Sofia, her hands softly running through the little girl’s silky dark hair once again.

“I’m really glad you did, Sof.”

Sofia looked up then, the smile on her face almost identical to Callie’s, and it lit up the room instantaneously. 

“Me too. It was the best present ever. And this year I’ve been really, really good again I think.”

She nodded with another smile, her childish delight absolutely beautiful and addicting – and both her mothers just responded with grins of their own, a look of love passing between them.

“So what did you ask Santa for this year?”

Whatever it was, if they hadn’t gotten it already they would have to fulfill it – even if it meant running out in the next few hours into the craziness of Christmas Eve shopping. Neither of them would be able to bear breaking the spell, now more than ever. The little girl had written her letter to the man in red almost two weeks ago and they’d mailed it off to the North Pole– but they’d mistakenly never read what was inside, each of them assuming the other had before the envelope was sealed and gone.

Sofia picked up her next crayon, happily going back to the picture she was drawing, and with her attention focused on that, she didn’t see the look of panic that quickly arose in both of her parents’ eyes as she replied.

They were definitely going to need some help from Santa on this one.

“A puppy.”


He Accidentally Tells Your Kid There's No Santa


Your husband Sam and you sat on the couch on Christmas Eve. Your beautiful daughter Harmony sat playing with her dolls on the living room floor. Now she was a smart girl, so trying to keep the “Santa” secret going was becoming a challenge.

“We don’t have a fireplace mommy. How does he get into the house?” She turned away from her dolls and took the small spot between you and Sam.

“The front door.” You smiled at her. Sam laughed a little and you shot him a glare.

“Don’t you think she’s getting a little old for the whole Santa thing?” He asked you chuckling a little.

“What about Santa?” She turned to her father. Your eyes shot up wide.

“Baby girl Santa isn’t the one that brings you all those presents .” Sammy looked down at his little girl. Her face crinkled in curiosity and you stood up.

“Sam can I talk to you in the kitchen please?” You both walked away leaving your daughter to go back and play with her dolls.

“What the hell was that?” You snapped at him.

“What was what!”

“You were going to tell her!” You whispered harshly.

“She’s going to find out sooner or later.”

“Yes but it’s Christmas Eve, and I would like to let this be the last
one.” He rolled his eyes and you sighed. “I never got to believe in this stuff Sammy. I want to let her have that amazing, magical feeling while she still can.” You pleaded. He wrapped you in his arms placing his chin on top of your head.

“Alright baby.” He sighed smiling. “We can give her one more year of magic.”

“Thank you baby.” You leaned up kissing him. Harmony walked into the kitchen looking up at the both of you.

“What was daddy saying about Santa?” She asked. Sammy let go of you to pick her up in his arms.

“I was saying that the elves bring down the gifts instead. Cause Santa can’t fit through the front door.” He smiled widely at her and she giggled hugging him.

Johnson➳ Ryan was the spitting imagine of Johnson, which you adored. But he was also very smart, just like him, which was starting to cause problems in trying to hide the Santa secret. The three of you were at the mall one day and he saw Santa taking pictures with kids, so he wanted one too.

“Can we go mommy?” He asked you. You nodded and the three if you walked over to wait in line. Jack stood impatiently continuously checking his phone. He had somewhere to be and really didn’t wanna waste time at the mall doing this. After the picture was taken you were all walking out to the car Ryan smiled up at you both.

“Do you think Santa will get me that new racecar?” He asked his dad.

“We don’t have the money for that Ryan now stop asking.” Jack spat and gasped immediately. You looked over at him shocked.

“But I asked Santa for them. Why would you get them daddy?” Ryan stooped walking looking up at Jack.

“I-Ryan-We-Ugh.” Jack stub led to find the right words. You shook you head pulling your son to the car. Jack dragged his feet behind trying to figure out how he was going to get himself out of this one.

The ride home was silent, that was until Ryan asked again.

“Why would you buy the gifts daddy?”

“See. Santa needs help buying gifts sometimes. So mommy and Daddy help him.” He looked over at you and smiled. You smiled as well, taking his hand resting on the center console.
Another year Santa could keep taking all the credit.

Maloley➳ It was the night before Christmas Eve and the argument you and Nate were having didn’t look like it was going to slow down anytime soon. He was convinced your daughter Annabella was old enough to know about Santa. But you wanted the hold on a few more years. She was sound alseep in her bed as you and Nate’s small argument turned into a screaming match. Without being heard she snuck down the stairs and was quietly watching you two fight from the doorway.

“She needs to know the truth! We can’t lie to her anymore about this!” He threw his hands up.

“She’s just a kid Nate! There’s got to be some sort of magic in her life!” You argued back.

“Yeah sure keep her head in the clouds!”

“How do you think you got your career Nate! Your head was never out of the clouds!” You snapped and his eyes darkened.

“My career is a completely different subject then her stupid pretend Santa!” He yelled.

“What?” Her angelic, soft voice came from the doorway. You both turned to her, realizing she had been listening the whole time. You looked over at Nate. He was heartbroken, if not more so then your daughter.

“Princess listen..” Nate began, but she had already taken off to her room. Nate took a seat on a stool looking over at you, his eyes filled with sadness.

“I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes. You walked over to him kissing his forehead and taking his face in your hands.

“Me too. But I’m not the only one you have to apologize to.” He nodded making his way to your daughters room, you close behind. He sat and talked with her about everything, apologizing. She understood eventually and he made his way back out to you in the hallway.

“I ruined it for her.” He shook his head wrapping you in his arms.

“She’ll have plenty more magic baby. Don’t worry.” You kissed him before you both made your way to bed. Let’s just say the next morning you woke up and Nate and your daughter were sitting down planning out a trip to disney.


Jack and your son Kaden have been relaxing on the couch all afternoon while you made dinner in the kitchen for your Christmas Party your family was having tonight. Jack came in to visit you for a few seconds and immediately you could tell something was wrong.

“He won’t stop talking about Santa, (Y/N). I think he’s too old for this.It’s like he’s trying to prove to me he’s real.” Jack shook his head.

“Let’s go talk to him huh?” You took Jacks hand and he nodded, both of you heading into the playroom.

“Hiya mommy!” Kaden smiled looking up from his toy trucks.

“Hiya baby.” You smiled back. “Are you excited for Christmas this year?”

“So excited! I asked Santa for so many things and I hope I get them all.” His eyes grew wide with excitement.

“Listen Kaden I think you should know Santas not real.” Gilinsky blurted out, leaving you speechless.

“Yes he is.” Your son frowned looking up at Jack.

“No. He’s not.” Jack argued already frustrated.

“We aren’t having this conversation right now. People are going to be here any minute.” You shook her head disappointed in your husband for just giving it up so quickly. After Jack left the room Kaden pulled on your arm. You kneeled down so you could hear him.

“I know Santa isn’t real mommy.
But I want Daddy to believe. I want him to get nice presents like you used to give me.” He whispered in your ear. You kissed his cheek beaming down at him.

“You’re just like your father.” You smiled. So did Jack from his position outside the door.


Hola! There’s so many of you guys now!
If you want to get to know more about me, I made a personal blog! Message me if ya feel like talking or whatever! I loved this request so here ya go!💋

anonymous asked:


Anon:Roxy’s so cute in that christmas pic omg

Anon:Omg santa Janey is so cute uwu

Anon:I didn’t know I loved Santa Dirk until now… look at him!

Anon: <3 Dirk’s smile!!

Anon:*Dirks hand is grabbing Jakes booty and you can’t tell me otherwise*

lmao ((actually both of his hands are visible in the pic)

Anon:ur art is giving me hot hots for hot mom how are you doing that

Anon:You should draw Jane more often because GODDAMN do you draw her well!

thanks a lot! she’s really fun to draw! I wish I liked her more in canon so I could draw her more often ahh ;v;

omg most of the comments on this pic are on Jane apparently ((I’m checking the tags on in)

also while checking the tags I found this and I’m laughing