Why does this news, this news that America willfully elected a guy who can generously be described as “aggressively unqualified,” make me even the tiniest bit happy? Well, my first thought was, “If Obama and Trump end up spending any substantial amount of alone time together, there’s like a 100 percent Trump is going to cry in front of the guy he spent the past five years relentlessly shit-talking.”
And why wouldn’t you cry, Donald? Being the president sucks. Everybody hates you most of the time, and you’re forced to live in Washington, D.C., which is humid and boring and an elephant graveyard for the ambitions of asshole class presidents who gave up and got a job with the borax lobby.
You want to fly home to the saturnine embrace of Trump Tower every night (like you did during the campaign), but you can’t, because your very presence turns Midtown into a Checkpoint Charlie parking lot – seriously, the Benihana on 56th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues is so fucked right now – and because some dingus from Switzerland wants to talk to you about cuckoo clock tariffs at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday. You didn’t expect this job, and now you have to study over Christmas break. You would quit in two seconds if you could get the entire planet to legally agree not to make fun of you for the rest of your life.
INTP: So I’m thinking of luring an asshole out into the woods so I can find out the inner mechanics of the human body on a live specimen, that way I can also have a bit of an understanding on the degrees of pain on the body-
ENFP: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
INTP: *cocks eyebrow*
ENFP: … you shouldn’t do that?
ENFP: You’re not actually going to do it though… right?
INTP: Obviously not, killers get caught. Even if it’s only when they’re old and grey. I wouldn’t do well in jail.
ENFP: Ya, you’d get bored and actually go insane.
INTP: What? Why would I be worried about that? Sanity is relative. No, no, my problem would be all the people!
ENFP: Of course. Yes. Because that’s the sane thing to be concerned about with going to jail.
INTP: *waves dismissively* The point is I don’t want to go there.