samuel pepys

Samuel Pepys. At the coronation of Charles II: “I had so great a list to pisse, that I went out a little while before the King had done all the ceremonies.” That night he drinks so much “my head begun to turne and I to vomitt … When I waked I found myself wet with my spewing. Thus did the day end, with joy everywhere.” 23rd April 1661. What a legend.

2

September 5th 1666: Great Fire of London ends

On this day in 1666, the Great Fire of London ended after raging for three days. The fire originally broke out in Thomas Farynor’s bakery in Pudding Lane, near London Bridge. Strong winds created a firestorm which destroyed thousands of buildings, leaving almost 100,000 people without homes. St. Paul’s Cathedral also fell victim to the flames, leading to it being rebuilt to the designs of Sir Christopher Wren; Wren’s design remains an iconic feature of the London skyline. Despite the destruction of the old St. Paul’s, several of London’s historic areas were spared, including Westminster and Whitehall. There were only six recorded deaths in the fire, however, there may have been more which were not recorded. The fire ended due to the fact that the strong east winds died down, and firebreaks were used by the Tower of London to prevent the fire spreading.

“It made me weep to see it”
- Samuel Pepys on the fire

The play done, we to White Hall; where my wife staid while I up to the Duchesse’s and Queen’s side, to speak with the Duke of York: and here saw all the ladies, and heard the silly discourse of the King, with his people about him, telling a story of my Lord Rochester’s having of his clothes stole, while he was with a wench; and his gold all gone, but his clothes found afterwards stuffed into a feather bed by the wench that stole them.
—  Samuel Pepys’ Diary for Wednesday 2nd December, 1668.
Samuel Pepys was a total perv.

Have you ever read this guy’s diary? 

Holy crap, dude. Keep it in your pants, please.


His diary basically reads as follows:

“September 2, 1666 - London’s on fire. Ogled at Mistress #1 while packing up my things so they wouldn’t burn to a crisp. Ogled at Mistress #2 when the wifey wasn’t looking. Ate at the neighbor’s house. Ogled at his wife–Mistress #3–while eating bacon. Crap, everything’s still on fire. Told my neighbor to watch my wife so she wouldn’t catch fire. Ogled at my maid. Ogled at the neighbor’s maid. Ate more bacon. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Heh, you know what it is? It’s probably that hot little wench running in fear for her life down the street. Nice ye olde rack, hot little wench.”

October 25, 1668 -Went to church. Pretty boring. Ogled at Jack Fen’s new wife the whole time. She’s pretty hot. I never noticed her before because I was too busy sticking my hand up the wife’s maid’s skirt….CRAP. Wifey saw the whole thing. Oh, she is pissed. She is ye olde pissed now. She’s threatening to convert to Catholicism again. She always does that–never actually goes through with it, though. I told her I was sorry and all that s*** and that I’d never play swish the petticoats with Deb the maid again. Heh. Stupid wifey totally bought it." 

"Oct. 27 - You know, in hindsight, I do feel kind of bad about the whole thing. Mostly because the wife keeps waking me up in the middle of the night to beat the crap out of me with her pillow and tell me what useless tool I am. Says she’s going to tell everybody that I played private parts peek-a-boo with good old Deb. I told her I’d never do it again. Heh. Stupid wifey totally bought it.”

“November 14 -Tried to slip Deb some money this morning as a nice little "thanks for letting me violate you in the worst possible way” present, but wifey wouldn’t let me out of her sight the entire frickin’ time. She blew a gasket; called me a dog and a rogue – you know, the usual. Poor thing is pretty upset. I rattled off some nonsense about how I was a slave to her and blah, blah blah. Made the mistake of saying it would probably be kind of hard to stop thinking about Deb, though, because face it, she is a hot little English tamale tart. Wifey wasn’t terribly happy with that little announcement, so I banged her and she managed to shut up for the next few hours. Make up/revenge/angry sex is ye olde best, man.“

"November 18 - The wife’s freaking out about my having to go abroad because she says I’ll just go around doin’ stuff with Deb all day. I told her, ‘No, babe, I’m done with all that, remember?’ Then I snuck out to try to find Deb’s house. Dude she was staying with said she wasn’t there. Spent all afternoon wandering around trying to find her seductively lurking behind some pillar so I could nail her in public like one of those guys from 300. No luck until night rolled around. Riding around in my pimped out carriage and who should I see but Do-It-All-Day Deb? So yo did make her tener mi cosa in her mano, while mi mano was sobra her pectus, and so did hazer with grand delight, which is the douchey, fake Spanish way of saying, 'We did really dirty, nasty things in the carriage and I feel super bad for the dude that has to clean up in there.’ Came home after that, made up some crock tale about how I spent all day, I don’t know, at the farmer’s market buying kumquats. Stupid wifey totally bought it.”

“November 19 - Stupid wifey totally did not buy it. CRAP. She knows about the carriage thing, and man, she is suuuuper p-o’d this time. I tried lying, but she wouldn’t stop with the 'you’re a rotten-hearted rogue’ tirade, so I had to own up to everything. Bad idea. Wifey says she’s going to slit Deb’s nose off and leave me after getting a huge alimony settlement. I pulled the old 'woe and sorrow and shame upon me’ act and promised never to see Deb again. Then I went and saw Deb and there you did hazer con ella to her content, which is the douchey fake Spanish way of saying, 'I did more anatomically-impossible things to her in her bed and now I feel really bad for whoever has to wash the sheets tomorrow.’ I hope God will give me the grace more and more eery day to fear Him, and to be true to my poor wife. …Ha, you totally thought I was serious for a minute there, didn’t you?”

I KID YOU NOT WITH THE FAKE SPANISH STUFF. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS. 

Obviously, the rest of it is paraphrased, but oh. My. WORD.

This is simultaneously the most disgusting and most hilarious thing I have ever read in my life. Because I am now dying to see someone try that awful Spanglish stuff as a pick-up line in a bar somewhere. 

“Heyyy, baby. Wanna go back to my place so I can make you tener mi cosa in your mano, while mi mano is sobra your pectus, and so will hazer with grand delight?”

WHAT EVEN?!?


  • Samuel Pepys: *sees a woman's shoulder*
  • Samuel Pepys: sign me the FUCK up 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so💯 thats what im talking about right there right there(chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

In July 1662 Charles II presented a charter to the Royal Society of London for the improvement of natural knowledge. It’s remit was as wide as its name suggested and Charles took a close interest in its work. He also carried out his own experiments. Pepys had a somewhat gruesome story from one of his court contacts concerning a foetus that was dropped by a lady who miscarried in the middle of a ball:

“The king had it in his closet a week and did dissect it and said that in his opinion it must have been a month and three hours old…”

—  “All the Kings Women” by Derek Wilson

Today in 1666: the Great Fire of London starts in Pudding Lane.

The fire destroyed much of the old city over three days and nights. The Tower of London escaped as the surrounding buildings were pre-emptively pulled down by Tower authorities, who feared the flames would spread to the White Tower and its stores of gunpowder and explosives.

On the first day, Samuel Pepys came to the Tower to get a good view of the extent of the fire.

Bawdy House in 17th Century England

The 1668 Bawdy House Riots took place in London following repression of a series of annual Shrove Tuesday attacks against brothels.

Samuel Pepys records the events in his Diary 24th to 25th March mentioning that they were perceived as an anti-Royal demonstration of working class apprentices centre on Moorfields with echoes of the Puritanism of the Cromwellian era and specifcally targeted at the immoral behaviour of King Charles II and his court, who had been engaged with a series of extra-marital affairs with high profile courtesans, noting; “ how these idle fellows have had the confidence to say that they did ill in contenting themselves in pulling down the little bawdy-houses, and did not go and pull down the great bawdy-house at Whitehall.”

weallwentmad  asked:

I was wondering if you had anything on writing about weddings? I just can't get it right!

Weddings! Eek.

These are so personal a thing… it’s dangerous to attempt to generalize.

But Peter and I are in the fortunate position of having been married long enough that when we talk to younger about-to-be newlyweds about their upcoming nuptials, we can quote Samuel Pepys.

25th. (Christmas-day). To church in the morning, and there saw a wedding in the church, which I have not seen many a day; and the young people so merry one with another, and strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition, every man and woman gazing and smiling at them.

That Sam. He was a wild and crazy guy, but sometimes you can catch him wiping away a tear…