Matthew Mercer: you can fight Matthew Mercer. The man is incredibly intelligent but he’s not especially buff. He might surprise you though, lanky people can be wily fighters. It would be an interesting fight regardless of who won or lost. He’d probably thank you for being a fan and help you to your feet if he defeated you. You can fight Matthew Mercer.
Marisha Ray: Do not fight Marisha Ray! Not only does she know actual marital arts, she used to be part of something called Fight Club where they used melee weapons. Dangerous with her fists or weapons. Do not fight Marisha Ray. (Also if you fight Marisha Ray I will find you and then *I* will fight you because she has enough jackasses being rude to her, and that needs to stop.)
Liam O’Brien: first you would have to catch him. The man runs 10 miles every day for fun so … good fucking luck. Even if you do catch him why would you want to fight him oh my god leave Liam O’Brien alone! (Also if you did fight him, you’d then have to defeat the combined rage of Sam, Laura, me, and half the fanbase charging to his defense.) You can fight Liam O’Brien but at what cost.
Taliesin Jaffe: you can fight Taliesin Jaffe. You shouldn’t, but you can. He has the power of Luck Manipulation granted to him by mysterious dark forces. Before you can blink, he’ll have defeated you, probably using something obscure from history. You can fight Taliesin Jaffe, but he’s going to win.
Laura Bailey: you can fight Laura Bailey but you will lose. Either she’ll take you out at the knees right away, or she’ll wink at you and you’ll fight yourself for her honor. Have you seen Laura Bailey she’s so cool and charming and amazing. You can fight Laura Bailey but you’ll lose. And you’ll deserve to lose, because how dare you.
Sam Riegel: you should absolutely fight Sam Riegel. Anytime, anywhere. Fight him in a Denny’s Parking lot, a grocery store, an arena. Fight this man. Win, lose, who cares? You must fight him.
Travis Willingham: you can fight Travis Willingham. If you’re buff he’ll fight you fair. If you’re smol and fierce he might be a little flustered. If you’re weak he’ll probably let you get in one hit before putting his hand on your forehead and keeping you at arm’s length until you wear yourself out. But he’d be nice about it. You can fight Travis Willingham. (Please note if you hurt him, you’ll have to answer to Laura Bailey, and that will not end well … for you.)
Brian Foster: you can fight Brian Foster. I’m pretty sure you’d win too. He self-deprecates so much, he might fight and defeat himself before you could even get to him. You can fight Brian Foster. (But like, maybe you shouldn’t. He beats himself up on the internet enough as it is.)
Ashley Johnson: no. How dare you even think about fighting Ashley Johnson. Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.