salt bagels

Obnoxiously quick and dirty college recipes:

toasted bagel+butter+salt+jarred queso dip (heated) tastes uncannily like a salted pretzel with cheese dip and doesn’t cost $6 at your local baseball stadium

a packet of flavored instant oatmeal (maple and brown sugar is my favorite)+a spoonful of peanut butter+the tiniest splash of water/milk = I don’t even know the fuck what this is but it’s delicious. also good and filling for breakfast if you’re not a fan of instant oatmeal mush.

Just get yourself a fuck ton of otter pops okay every time you’re craving something sweet just pop one of those puppers in your mouth they are aprox. 5 cents a piece when you buy them in bulk and will give you nostalgic flashbacks to parental-obligated junior soccer leagues of childhood summers past on top of being fucking delicious

If you need something warm and homecooked just learn how to make a cheapass quesadilla ok it’s just butter on a frying pan + tortilla (flour or corn). throw some discount shredded cheese on the center and flip the side over until you have a nice little pocket. after a while flip the whole thing a few times until it looks cooked above lukewarm and the cheese is melted. done. (Note: if you have a spanish mom the first time you eat this you will cry because it doesn’t taste even close hers and overall isn’t made with love OR quality ingredients but don’t worry after that you’ll be in the clear and will be downing these 3 minute miracles by the barrel just like everyone else.)

When in doubt microwave mac and cheese is there for you.

When in complete doubt instant rice and instant ramen are your friends.

How to Survive a Salt Bagel

A: They’re just like pretzels, right?

B: Bro, they are nothing like pretzels. Shit’ll tear up your tongue if you aren’t careful. You need some skills to navigate this jungle. 

A: I…I don’t think a jungle is an apt metaphor for something like a salt bagel. Maybe a more barren landsc– 

B: ‘Apt?’ The fuck is an 'apt?’ Stop talking like a fuckin’ Rennaisance poet, 'cause that’ll only get you killed faster. Look, just shut up and slice it, toast it, give it some butter… and I WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH THE ZONE. 

1. Take a small bite of the top half. Savor. 

2. Take a slightly larger bite of the bottom half. Allow the salty abrasion to melt away. 

3. Sip coffee. 

4. Repeat. 

5. Tongue should feel somewhat tingly after bagel has been conquered.