If the Gotei-13 were a company...

As requested by shiromirch56. :)

Today we’re going to pretend that the Gotei-13 is not a military organization. It is a company. And each of the squads is a department. So which company department would each Squad be?

1. Squad 1: Upper Management

Yamamoto is the CEO of the company, and Sasakibe is his personal assistant. Most people only see CEO Yamamoto when he comes for a meeting, and he tries not to get his hands dirty very often. 

Yamamoto: I have to be above it all, so that I can make the tough decisions.

Yamamoto: Like not letting Unohana go on any sales calls anymore.

Yamamoto: Man, is she ever vicious!

 2. Squad 8: Onsite Management

Squad 8 is responsible for the day to day managing of the company. Rumor has it that Kyoraku is being groomed to take over once Yamamoto dies retires, even though Nanao does most of the actual work.

Nanao: So, uh, no offense, but why you?

Kyoraku: I think he really likes my coat.

3. Squad 2: Credit Department

The credit department is responsible for collecting the money that people owe the company. And if someone doesn’t want to pay, they send out the ninjas. I assume. I’ve never actually worked in a company.

Soi Fon: Even if you hide from me for 100 years, I will find you. And I will make you pay.

4. Squad 3: Marketing

Squad 3 is responsible for figuring out how to market the products. Back when Gin was the head of marketing, he mostly liked to market via fear (”If you don’t buy our product, you will probably die. Ask us why!”). Rose, the new head of marketing, takes a more creative approach, and prefers to use music and art to sell the products. He likes to test his products on Kira, since if he can get Kira interested, he figures he can get anyone interested. 

Rose: I think our new commercial should feature a talking guitar.

Kira: You always say that.

Rose: It’s always a good idea!

5. Squad 5: Sales

It is the duty of Squad 5 to actually go out and convince people to buy the product. When Aizen was head of sales, he was great at making people think that the product was exactly what they’d always been looking for. He got a lot of fan mail. Which is weird for a sales guy. But anyway. Shinji has a slightly different approach.

Shinji: Still no, huh?

Shinji: I’ll come by tomorrow and ask you again.


6. Squad 6: Quality Control

It is the responsibility of Squad 6 to make sure that the products meet all of their specifications. Byakuya is really good at it. No specification is too small for him - he will pursue any and all infractions to the bitter end. Renji is mainly there because if the product is breakable in any way, he will find a way to break it.

Byakuya: Renji, how is the test product.

Renji: Still not broken, and I’ve been using it all day!

Byakuya: That is a very good sign.

7. Squad 7: Shipping Department 

Squad 7 is responsible for making sure the products actually reach their destinations. It’s not the most glamorous position, but Komamura and Iba are both thorough people. Komamura always makes sure the materials get to where they need to be.

Iba: And this will round out my resume so that I can become CEO one day!

Komamura: Way to be positive, Iba!

8. Squad 9: Legal

Tosen was head of the legal department for many years, but eventually became disillusioned by the total lack of justice in corporate legal matters, so he quit. Kensei then took over. His method is mostly to be loud and threatening. 

Mashiro: And I look to confuse the defendant!

Hisagi: So that’s on purpose??

9. Squad 10: Accounting & Purchasing

Squad 10 manages two departments, because Hitsugaya is an overachiever. He runs accounting, because he likes having a lot of nitpicky paperwork to do. Matsumoto likes purchasing - it’s like shopping, only way more boring.

Hitsugaya: No, I don’t think I can convince the board to start selling designer clothes, sorry.

Matsumoto: Oh, come on! You write really good memos!

Hitsugaya: B-buttering me up is not going to work!

10. Squad 11: Security 

I guess that’s not technically a department, but I just feel like Squad 11 would handle security.

Kenpachi: Man, I wish somebody would rob us.

Yachiru: If only!

11. Squad 12: Product design / research & IT

Kurotsuchi and Nemu handle the new product and design and research more or less single-handedly. The rest of the squad takes care of IT - Akon is the go-to guy, much to his frustration.

Akon: People who don’t need how to use email don’t deserve my help.

Akon: And yet they won’t stop calling.

12. Squad 13: Human Resources

Which is problematic, given that Ukitake takes forever to hire anyone.

Rukia: Ukitake, please….it’s been years.

Ukitake: Hiring is a process!

13. Squad 4: Customer Service.

Since if anyone can deal with angry and rude people, it’s Squad 4.

Customer: This is outrageous! I demand to talk to your supervisor!

Hanataro: O-okay! Hang on!

Unohana: Yes, this is the supervisor.


Customer: I have no complaints. 

Customer: I love your product.

Customer: I’m sorry.

Unohana: Okay.

Unohana: Been a lot of those calls lately.