saints row au where everything is the same but when boss wakes up from their coma they’re in a hospital gown and carlos is forced to watch their naked butt as they escape from prison just like in the opening of metal gear solid v
BuckyNat Prompt: After Hydra/the RedRoom discovers their affair, their handlers seek to permanently erase their memories and separate them for good but they escape and live happily ever after in St. Tropez.
I am so sorry, anon. I am sure you were hoping for something less… crack-like and terrible, but I just couldn’t help myself.
(So sorry, but also so not sorry).
*SOMEWHERE IN THE DEPTHS OF SIBERIA, CIRCA. EARLY-MID 1950S*
Winter Soldier: Babe.
Natasha: Yeah, babe?
Winter Soldier: I think we’ve been exposed.
Natasha: How do you know?
Winter Soldier: I just got chewed out by a load of old Russian dudes for sleeping with you.
Natasha: They actually said that?
Winter Soldier: Pretty much.
Winter Soldier: What are we going to do, babe? They were threatening to turn me into a popsicle.
Natasha: A what?
Winter Soldier: You don’t have those in Russia?
Natasha: A Russian popsicle? [*NB: DO NOT GOOGLE THAT. I GOOGLED THAT FOR THIS DRABBLE’S RESEARCH AND IN DOING SO I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE*]
Winter Soldier: It’s so cold here, you must have something similar. It’s basically a frozen, sweet dr-
Natasha: Ok, you know what, we’re getting really off topic and we’re kind of low on time here.
Winter Soldier: Actually, the popsicle gave me an idea.
Natasha: Oh yeah, babe? What’s the plan?
Winter Soldier: We’re literally the best agents they’ve ever had. We’re all hopped up on super-soldier serum and we’ve been trained to be the best fighters the world has ever seen.
Natasha: I’m with you so far.
Winter Soldier: Let’s just kick their asses, take a load of their money and some of the fake passports they made for us and go retire in Saint Tropez.
Natasha: I don’t get where the popsicles come in.
Winter Soldier: We can eat them on our yacht because it’ll be really hot there.
Natasha: Awesome! Let’s do it.
Winter Soldier: Great!
Natasha: Wait! I just thought of something. What about your arm?
Winter Soldier: What about it?
Natasha: It’s going to need maintenance.
Winter Soldier: Let’s kidnap a technician.
Natasha: That’s kind of perpetuating the whole cycle of violence, isn’t it? Doing what they essentially did to us. It’s kind of unfair.
Winter Soldier: Good point. Ok then, how about first we just kick everyone’s asses, then we go visit the technicians in the basement and offer to take one or two of them with us to chill in Saint Tropez?
Natasha: Solid strategy, babe.
Winter Soldier: You’re amazing. I love you, babe.
Natasha: I love you, too. Now let’s go beat up some power-hungry old dudes.
**LATER ON AN EXPENSIVE YACHT ALONG THE SUNNY FRENCH RIVIERA**
Natasha: Be a dear and pass me the sun cream, Ivan the Technician Guy.
Ivan the Technician Guy: Sure thing, Ms Black Widow. You want me to top up that Mai Tai? [*NB: I HAVE NO IDEA IF MAI TAIS EXISTED IN THE EARLY-MID 1950S. TAKE IT AS POETIC LICENCE IF THEY DIDN’T… BECAUSE THAT’S THE PART WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BOTHER YOU ABOUT THIS FIC*]
Natasha: Oh, would you? Thank you, Ivan!
Ivan the Technician Guy: No problem, it’s the least I could do for you, since you guys saved me from working out of a dank, miserable basement in Siberia for the rest of my life. Thanks again for this great new opportunity in Saint Tropez.
Natasha: Happy to help. Now… where’s that Mai Tai?
Ivan the Technician Guy: Coming right up!
Winter Soldier: Hey babe?
Natasha: Yeah, babe?
Winter Soldier: I think I’m going to change my name.
Natasha: What to?
Winter Soldier: Ok, ready for this? ‘The SUMMER Soldier’.
*EVERYONE HIGH FIVES EACH OTHER AND IS HAPPY AND NO ONE IS DEAD OR SAD AND IT IS VERY SUNNY WHICH IS ALSO EXCELLENT AND THEY EAT DELICIOUS POPSICLES ALL DAY LONG*