I hope you’re dying without me. I hope whenever you think of me your chest tightens and it makes it hard for you to breath. I hope that’s the reason you don’t respond to my texts anymore and I hope that’s the reason you try not to look at me. Because that’s the pain I went through. My chest ached when I thought of you. I tried not to look at you because tears would swell in my eyes. I hope that’s the reason you changed around me because if this were easy for you I think it’d kill me even more.
Sometimes I randomly get super sad and start feeling empty. Like I could be the happiest person in the room. Smiling big smiles, spreading cheer and then all of a sudden my smile falters and my heart skips a beat. Everything turns to black and white and I can’t see a future for myself. I didn’t even know if one exists. I forget what it feels like to actually live and be happy even if it was only two seconds ago that I was laughing. It feels as if there’s just this demon hovering over me waiting for my weakest point to break me and make my life a thunderstorm cause I was enjoying the cool breeze before it became a vicious wind.
Not that I’d ever tell you this or like it even matters, but when you used to fall asleep on me I would sit there for hours, looking at how your lips parted and how a little strand of hair would cover your nose and when it touched your nose would scrunch up.
I used to love watching you sleep, becuse you weren’t trying to be anyone else and you were the purest form of you … and fuck I found it so beautiful.
I used to tell our friends how cute you looked when you slept becuse you did, the way you’d hold onto me and squeeze me to make sure that I was still there, and when you’d wake up in the morning With messy hair and a little bit of sleep still left in the corner of your eye, I still found you perfect.
And it breaks my heart that I’m not going to be the one you fall asleep on anymore, I’m not going to be able to see your eyelids flutter and your chest rise.