I hope you’re dying without me. I hope whenever you think of me your chest tightens and it makes it hard for you to breath. I hope that’s the reason you don’t respond to my texts anymore and I hope that’s the reason you try not to look at me. Because that’s the pain I went through. My chest ached when I thought of you. I tried not to look at you because tears would swell in my eyes. I hope that’s the reason you changed around me because if this were easy for you I think it’d kill me even more.
—   Excerpt from a book I will never write #795
Do you think I didn’t try?
Try to get over the days all we did was talk and kiss,
The way you would throw back your head and how your eyes shined when you laughed,
The nights when we made love to each other like we were never going to fall apart.
I fucking tried, and I wonder if it was easy for you.
To get over me.
—  The days
You know, at some stage I thought I wouldn’t make it. And I did.
At some stage I thought someone else was my life, and they weren’t.
At some stage I felt awful because I didn’t lose one person but I lost all that came with him.
At one stage I thought ’ who will hype me up? ’ and now I’m like ’ bitch I will. You’re a boss ass bitch, you’re doing great and I love me ’.
At some stage I thought ’ who will I talk to for the day? ’ and baby girl, finding someone to talk just as good as him and sharing ideas like he used to has never been so hard, but aye, I found the good in a lot of people and it made it easier to cope.
At some stage I didn’t see his name pop up when my screen lit up.
At some stage I believed that I had no one for me.
At some stage I thought I was easily replaceable, worthless and all that came with it.
At some stage I thought I wouldn’t see Day light anymore because I would end up just there.
Then I found out that there’s so much more to life than someone you love. There’s so much more to life than depending on someone for love. I was hopeless and I needed to be loved not knowing that I, myself, didn’t love me.
Now I embrace the silence. I embrace my body in every shape. I embrace my inner beauty. I embrace my scars. I embrace the small talk from each person I talk to. I embrace the laughters and I embrace the love from those I once took for granted. I embrace the lack of him.
Do I love him? Yes. Do I want him? No. I believe people come into your life for periods to be lessons and blessings. To me, he was both and I’m so grateful.
I love you b.
—  Secret Diary.