sad-it-all

the problem with being such a fan of these boys for so long, is that we know them… we know who they are. we know their body language, their mannerisms, we know when they’re uncomfortable or when they’re genuinely chilled.. it’s just so much more frustrating as the years go on and the lies continue and we get to know them more and more because we can see with our own eyes the lies and the bullshit they say and go through, and we can’t do anything about it. and it keeps happening. and it’s sad. and we’re all tired. but I feel like the more we get to know them, the bigger and more elaborate the lies have to get. it’s just becoming this pathetic fake unrealistic pile of shit and we’re all sitting there going what the actual fuck is going on and how can anyone believe any of this if you’ve been paying any attention for the last 7 years. anyway buy and stream bty

allergic-addiction  asked:

Do you know anything about grief? If so, my character Vivian spent 6 months with a group of friends and fell in love with another character. The character he fell in love with head over heels for dies the night after they kiss. How would this grief affect active fighting ?

My grandmother on my mother’s side died when I was eleven, my father died when I was thirteen (the day after my birthday), my dog died a day before my college graduation, and my grandfather on my father’s side died from Alzheimer’s a few years ago. That’s not counting the friends and non-blood related family members who’ve died over the years.

So, yeah, I’ve got a little experience with grief, and grief counseling, and therapy, and… well, other people who’ve also lost friends and family.

I will say upfront that experience with grief can’t be faked when translating it into a fiction. You’ve either lost someone or you haven’t. You will never truly understand until you’ve experienced it yourself. And, if you haven’t, honestly, I hope you don’t join this unhappy club for a very long time.

Grief happens in stages, we consider them as five to be exact. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. There is no one size fits all here, or rules, no guidelines for the amount of time it takes because we work through it in our own time. You can and often do go through all five just to accept the physical truth someone you love has died, then all over again with the emotional fallout in the months even years afterward. It’s possible to go forward and back between the stages, and it isn’t a steady process. I’ve come to terms with a lot of the deaths in my life, but some took around a decade to reach the acceptance stage.

In initial the months after my father died, I waited to hear his car coming up the driveway at the time he usually arrived home from work (around 5:30). Anytime the doorknob turned, I’d feel a small bit of hope that it’d be him walking in. I still hope, sometimes, nearly twenty years later, that he’ll come through the door.

I tried to hold on to what he sounded like when I realized a month later I was forgetting. I managed a single word, the name of a friend’s father.

The problem with writing grief if you’ve never experienced it is this: you will over focus on the emotion and forget the detail.

Grief is not being able to remember where you live when you dial 911 for the ambulance. It’s the adrenaline leaving your hands shaking when you reach for the body, and the cold stiffness beneath your hands. The chalky white skin, and one eyelid half open. A frozen, milky, blue-white pupil pointed nowhere.  The faint, sour smell in the air. The way you shake it, and shake it, and shake it like that’ll bring the body back to life.

The way you still describe it as the body years later instead of referring to it as him and in second person instead of first.

Grief is never being able to watch Oliver and Company again.

This detail is part of why it’s so difficult to describe or write grief if you’ve never experienced the loss of a loved one first hand. You’ve also got to describe that loss through the eyes of your character, re-imagine it so the experience is not only tailored to their experiences but laser specific to those exact moments when they learned or came to the realization someone they loved died. One of the first things to understand about death in fiction is that it won’t do the work for you.

My father died a week before my first degree black belt test, and I’d just turned thirteen. I honestly can’t remember much about that week. It was Spring Break, so I didn’t have to go to school. My days were mostly filled with martial arts and emptiness. There were moments I’d remember, then grow sad or try to avoid it by focusing on what was coming ahead of me. People told me how brave I was, clapped when I came back to training a day later, but the truth is that doing that was easier than remembering what happened. I was in the shock stage all the way through the test. Numb to the world, I didn’t feel anything. Not pride, not happiness, not “oh good we’re done now”, nothing at all. It wasn’t bravery, so much as it just was. The world moved around me and the rest of it was gray.

In that moment, I became “the Girl Whose Father Died The Week Before Her Test” in the organization and everyone knew who I was for years afterwards.

However, the moment I really broke down was when I returned to class afterwards and began to cry when one of my classmates pushed a crossword onto my desk that read “Father”. I cried so hard, then I went out into the hallway and cried through the rest of the class that day.

That’s one experience, though. Like I said, there’s no one size fits all and every experience is unique. If you’ve got a character whose lost a lot of people over the years, then it does get easier.

However, if you’re writing a character who experiences death on the regular then their experience is going to be different. You could get someone who numbs themselves out to the world, defers the loss until later, and deals with it then. A person for whom “doing things” is them showing their grief. They could crumple up into a ball, give up and just cry. They could get angry to the point they want to kill the person who took their loved one and want to kill them. They could be compromised to the point of they are incapable performing their job, and need to be scrubbed from a mission for their safety and their teammates.

They could get triggered by the violence to the point where they lock up and can’t mentally face it anymore, where it becomes too much for them to handle. Sometimes, they break all the furniture in their apartment. Sometimes, they don’t clean out the other side of the closet for six years. They may get angry and lash out at those close to them who aren’t experiencing this death as keenly as they are. Or the might do it just because, without reason. They might close themselves off from everyone they know and love. Wall up out of fear of losing another person, find it difficult to build new connections. Become a different person.

Or, rarely, they could be completely fine. Or, seem like they’re fine on the surface. Others who are suffering will get pissed at them if they’re fine. When it seems like you’re fine, others will call you a monster. How dare they.

Grief is not guaranteed to get you killed in combat, but it can. It leads to stupid mistakes because you’re mentally compromised, even when you don’t realize it. We run from it sometimes. It’s so big, and heavy, and dark, crashing down all at once with no easy answers. No platitude satisfies. Numb, angry, stricken, despairing, you can move through these states so rapidly that it’s almost impossible to follow. Grief just is.

In a situation where you need to be able to focus or your life and those around you are at risk, then grief becomes detrimental. If you’re mentally compromised and refuse to recognize it then it will only put others at risk. Many people will insist they are “fine”. That it doesn’t affect them, that they can still work. It does though. It will. As a result, events can be disastrous in the fallout.

Even if they can fight, revenge isn’t satisfying. It’s empty. Grief-fueled rampages will only lead to more sadness and more emptiness and a re-experiencing of the loss all over again. Usually, it causes more tragedy.

How will your character react? I don’t know.

How does grief affect fighting, even years afterward? It can be really bad, my friend. Really goddamn bad.

You’ve got to find an equilibrium in your mind and acceptance, real acceptance too. You can’t just tell yourself you’ve accepted it, and that difference can be difficult to grasp.

Understand loss is not the cause of grief, and not death itself. We will grieve lost relationships and broken down friendships, when what we love disappears from our grasp. Don’t assume it’s in the death, look at the loss and how they feel about them being gone.

As a writer, your answer is they need to find a way to come to terms with this loss and that is a journey without an easily defined destination. I mean “come to terms” and not “get over”. Loss is with you forever, but whether we accept it or it continues to haunt us will be up to the person in question.

From me to you, here are some ways I dealt with my father’s death in my teenage years:

1) I went to counseling.

2) I read all the books of his on the shelf that I could scrounge from my parent’s bedroom, even when I didn’t like them. I still have a few of his fantasy hardbacks squirreled away.

3) I tried to play Star Wars: Tie Fighter.

4) I cried when I tried to tackle the Walkers in Rogue Squadron 2, because I’d always run to him and beg him to help me pass the level.

5) I’d go smell the shirts my mom left when she refused to clean out his side of the closet until they didn’t smell like him anymore. Then, I felt sad all over again.

6) I dedicated my open form during my second degree test to him, and picked a really sappy country song.

7) I read and re-read L.E. Modesitt Jr’s entire “Saga of Recluse” over and over again because Colors of Chaos was the first fantasy book my dad handed me to read.

8) I named my Sovereign Class ship in Star Trek Online after him.

I once sat with another student at college and we commiserated over our shared bond as members of the “Dead Parents Club”, telling stories about how our parents died and laughing about where we were now. To another student, who’d never experienced what we had, this seemed incredibly insensitive, they were confused, and they said so.

We said, “Dead Parents Club”. Then another student who’d recently lost their aunt asked if they could join us, and we expanded to members of the “Dead Relatives Club”.

It’s not all sadness and pain, misery and angst. In fact, if you go this route then it’s not really real. Much as it might seem like it on the surface, grief isn’t the same as literary angst. You need to show, not tell and that begins with actions. Start figuring out how this loss affects your character before you take a stab at how it’s affecting their ability to fight. Grief is about individuals, and there are no easy answers. Only actions, decisions, and struggle for good or ill.

-Michi

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anonymous asked:

Headcannon: Solas has a m a j o r praise kink, he's super into it, but it also makes him feel super horrible on account of his self loathing + guilt complex. I mean, on one hand it's like: "pat me like a puppy and tell me i'm a Good Boy", but on the other hand he's like "I am not a Good Boy, I am The Worst Boy" and then he gets all sad and broody and shit :(

Poor Solas, he gets off on it so much but then his brain takes over and he’s just sitting there like: 

Originally posted by lilsparrow72

This is a Very Good headcanon and gets mod Destiny’s stamp of approval™️ 

lovelyxylophone  asked:

Hi! Young!Sirius Black request? TBH anything at all. Maybe some fluff?

Im gonna do fluffy headcanons, I hope you dont mind, also i am so so soooo sorry that this is so late! Writers block is a bitch


* yes Sirius Orion Black has a bad boy “I dont give a fuck attitude” but he is also the biggest cuddle muffin

* he LOVES cuddles

* he likes to hold you close with your head on his chest or vice versa bc either way its still cuddles

*he likes to lazily entertwines your fingers with his while cuddling 

* draws patterns with light fingertips on you back, side, belly, hip, anywhere

* forehead kisses

* and top of the head kisses

* and corner of  the mouth kisses

* tangles your legs with his

* quiet vinyls playing while cuddling like “Dream a Little Dream of Me”

*he likes to hug you from behind

*and kiss your neck

*and wow Im now sad bc we all need a Sirius Orion Black

The low point

In a matter of seconds, a smol gray spider somehow slipped down into my blouse, addressing my décolleté ever so gracefully. It tickled a bunch and I tried to rescue him without crushing his tiny ickle carapace but, oof, I’m sorry to admit, I failed. He is no more. 😢🙃🤣

Now I feel all sad about my death-boobs.

*sigh*

anonymous asked:

You what always confused the hell out of me? When stefan and elegant and we're talking after the fantasy sequence dreams in season five and they're all sad and sighing like "omg it's everything we could have wanted we could have had it all we could have been happy" and I'm just like.. You can be?? You can literally get together right now? Like i get elena was sad about not being human anymore but she basically cries to stefan about the fact that her and Damon don't communicate or have SE's

“ You what always confused the hell out of me? When stefan and elegant and we’re talking after the fantasy sequence dreams in season five and they’re all sad and sighing like “omg it’s everything we could have wanted we could have had it all we could have been happy” and I’m just like.. You can be?? You can literally get together right now? Like i get elena was sad about not being human anymore but she basically cries to stefan about the fact that her and Damon don’t communicate or have SE’s intimacy and then she basic trudges begrudgingly back to Damon. Like I know me even saying this is redundant because we’ve all been saying it for years but DE makes NO SENSE. Every 5 minutes during s5 the writers made a reference to SE and how wonderful they’re relationship were in comparison to dulena. It’s like why even bother trying to convince me elena’s in love with Damon?”

I feel like the writers really shot themselves in the foot by making Stefan the DE cheerleader because the point was to show that SE was over, it was to be like the triangle is done because Stefan isn’t trying to win Elena’s affections, he’s pushing Damon and Elena together, except then it always goes back to Stefan.

Indirectly or not, Elena waits for Stefan’s say-so to actually be with Damon

5x11

then the Katherine hijinks so Elena doesn’t get to speak to Damon directly after that pep-talk until 5x16:

5x18:

5x21:

6x04:

even in 4x06, Elena will not break up with Stefan, it’s Stefan who gets it out of her:

whereas when Stefan and Elena would have an issue, Elena would naturally do something to correct it and then talk about why she did that later. For instance, 1x08, she tells Stefan she’s not going to go to the Grill but shows up anyway

and then she and Lexi talk about it:

In 1x02, she runs from Stefan

but after talking to Jenna, she herself comes to a realization about fear and then shows up at Stefan’s house to talk:

In 2x05, Damon simply tells Elena that Stefan didn’t drink human blood even though he should and she knows it, he doesn’t tell her to fight, he doesn’t tell her how she feels about Stefan or what to do, he just tells her in this argument Stefan is right and then Elena decides to go all the way in and do this with him and she decides this on her own:

Even in season 3, all Damon does is tell Elena what Stefan’s real motives are (which are always good, like when he betrayed them to save Damon’s life or when he saved Damon from a werewolf)

and then Damon would hit on Elena afterwards

Damon never actually tells Elena to not give up or to fight for Stefan, he just lends his support to her already adamant desire to not give up on him:

which is a natural desire that doesn’t need to be encouraged:

from Day One

Not to mention, with Stefan, even when they aren’t together, even when he’s telling her to be with Damon, there is a natural intimacy, a natural urge to go to him:

4x07

5x18

5x03

5x04

or fight for him:

So really, the writers are just proving that Stefan is at the centre no matter what and that’s even further proven by the fact that she’s at his crypt in 8x16.

anonymous asked:

Crazy to think Jon's also coming home, to where his ancestors lived and died. His father was the Prince of Dragonstone.

I know!! It’s so cool. They are both going to finally be in their rightful home together and they don’t even know it. I love it so much.

It’s interesting to me because I know that Winterfell is Jon’s home, but even when he was arguing with his people last episode he said that Sansa is the only Stark in Winterfell. He didn’t say Sansa will be the only Stark when he leaves. It makes me kind of sad, like even after all this time Jon still doesn’t totally feel a complete sense of belonging.

But he’s finally headed South to “get warm” ;) And it’s here in Dragonstone that their relationship will slowly develop all season and I just CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT GO DOWN :’)

bumbledribs  asked:

which bo burnham show/song is your favorite?? i really like sad, lmao

i really like all of them :00 his songs are so clever and catchy. i started making an animatic of “kill yourself” a while ago so if i ever finish and you guys want to see it i might post that here

anonymous asked:

There is an anti s*pergirl cast post s*percorpers made full with alternative facts and quotes taken out of context with almost 13k notes now. Most of the people in the comments don't even watch the show but they just accept averything as truth without bothering to fact check. It's so sad, all those people turning on the cast because of s*percorpers' lies and exaggerations.

I know. That’s why I was so angry yesterday. People in this website believe every single post and don’t even bother to actually look up the facts. It’s not the first time something like this happens. Antis are genuinely taking people’s comments out of context or lying and people believe them. That post is like the Fox News of posts. 

anonymous asked:

bitch, weren't you the one who was just all sad and depressed like 2 days ago?

If you would have read my text post explaining my situation, you amphibious foul, you would have seen that my current situation does not directly correspond to the twins situation at hand. Although coincidental, Completely un-related. Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions, you could have left well enough alone and stopped spreading MORE negativity onto my dash. Or maybe even scrolled down just slightly and taken the time to read my post explaining my situation. Something so simple, that a monkey could have done it. Literally a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have scrolled down a few more inches to have seen the post and then simply clicked off my page and gone about his day not worrying furthermore.
AS MUCH as I appreciate your clear concern for my life and the things I do. Please do not come at me again reckless because I am NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD ANON.
Have a wonderful day(:

Invisible // Chapter 2

Pairing: Mark x Reader x Jaebum
Words: ~1900
Genre: Drama

Chapter 1

Mark is (Y/N)’s best friend and roommate. One evening they’re chilling together and she decide to finally tell him how hard she was crushing on no other than GOT7’s leader Im Jaebum.

It’s the next day – Mark walks into the practice room, where everyone was really hyper and asking him how it went until the realization kicked in how sad and even quieter than usual he acted. Mark explained that (Y/N) was not only not in love with him but had feelings for their leader.

I woke up the next morning, after a night that I spend mostly lying awake and starring up at the ceiling… weirdly enough I was more shook than sad. Out of all the things that could have happened, her falling for one of my friends just seemed the most unreal. Sure, she was basically the 8th member of our group and all of them were super close, but I didn’t expect it to be that close. And I was almost a hundred percent sure that Jaebum did not see her in the same way, unless he had been hiding something from us all along….
I sighed, feeling the want to shatter a glass against the wall as another wave of anger build up in me, anger directed at myself for waiting so long. If I would have told her right away, before she even started to like Jaebum, maybe my chances wouldn’t have been that bad? All those if’s and but’s weren’t really lifting my mood and the day ahead of me would be long, which was why I should at least try to keep some positive spirit up.

After jumping into the shower and putting on some comfortable clothes for the dance practice in an hour, I made my way to the kitchen. Luckily, she had already left earlier than me, leaving only a note that said: Busy day for me, had to leave early. I made lunch, please take it with you.
When she would come back home and see that I left the lunchbox in the fridge, she would be more than angry at me and I didn’t want that, even though I wasn’t even the slightest bit hungry…
With the food in my backpack and a hat pulled down into my face I finally went outside, walking along the streets with music playing on my ears. Only then I realized that thousands and thousands of questions were waiting for me as soon as I arrived, which surely didn’t make me anymore motivated to show up today, but calling in sick wasn’t an option either way. Still, I took my time to get there, longer than I ever did.
As I slipped out of my street shoes and put on the ones I kept in my bag, Jackson’s high pitched screams rang out of the practice room along with music being played loudly. Apparently our trainer wasn’t there yet, which would only leave them more time to drill me with questions and lead to me spending more time in my own personal hell…

“I think I heard something. Mark is here!” Jackson yelled, excited as always and seconds after the door I was about to open myself, was torn open by him. He was smiley like always and grabbed the upper part of my arm to pull me inside quickly.
“Look who is here, our oldest hyung who is no longer single and ready to mingle.” He announced without even giving me a chance to explain myself and that continued a little while longer because now everybody in this room started to make assumptions and talked over each other. I only sighed and let all of it come at me, they had to shut up at some point.
“How did it go?”
“You told her, right?”
“What did she say? She is into you as well, isn’t she?”
“We want to know ALL the details, what happened?”  
And then, after waiting minutes for them to stop talking, Jinyoung, who hadn’t been talking in the first place, finally stepped up and snapped his fingers in front of the other’s faces.

“Something is up. Didn’t you guys look at him?” he accused the others before giving me another intense look, shaking his head softly and crossing his arms. “You didn’t tell her, did you?”
Firstly, I just shrugged, throwing my backpack into one of the corners and letting myself sink onto the couch. All I felt like was burying my head into the pillows, falling asleep and only waking up when all of this was over without me having to handle it. However, that wasn’t an option for any of these guys because all of them followed me and either sat on the floor in front of me now or next to me on the sofa and of course it had to be Jaebum who was directly next to me, gently pacing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a few pats. I didn’t have the rights to be pissed at him, obviously it wasn’t his fault that (Y/N) liked him, but I could still feel exactly that emotion rise up in me again.
“I tried telling her.” Was the first thing I said since entering the room.

“And what happened?” Jinyoung asked on while everyone else’s eyes were laying on me, actually making me more than uncomfortable, being the center of attention never really was my thing. At that question I let out another sigh, unsure how to break the information down for them. It would be a shock no matter how I would approach it, yet just saying it bluntly didn’t feel right to me.

“It didn’t even come down to me confessing because our conversation went in a completely different direction.” I spoke and nervously started to tap on my knee with my fingertips, apparently not talking fast enough because Jackson nudged his elbow into my side with his eyes wide open.
“I wanted to tell her, but she seemed off. Before bothering her with my feelings, I thought that I should ask what was going on… and then she started talking about love.”

“Love? That sounds like she gave you a golden opportunity to open up.” Jaebum said confused and I snorted at the irony that those were his words, shaking my head as an answer.

“Well, then when?” now BamBam spoke up, he had whispered with Yuygeom before which was why I thought that he wasn’t even part of the discussion, but seemingly I was wrong about that.

“Then, after I failed to brighten her mood, she told me that she likes someone.” I stated, trying my best not to sound too snippy about it. A few seconds long the room was filled with silence because only now they understood what situation I was in. They already knew that I had not said a word about how I was feeling and therefore, as (Y/N)’s best friend, was predestined to hear her talk about her new crush every free minute from there on, but the worst part about it was yet for them to come.

“Do we know him?” Youngjae asked carefully, Yugyeom continuing the question with “Is he one of our friends?”, probably because he expected that to happen as our circle of friends was mostly the same, and I nodded.
Now all the mumbling came back, all of them starting to guess whom it could be instead of just asking me, at least until they had enough of the guessing and wanted to hear the final answer, Yugyeom being the one who asked again.

I starred of into the distance, not giving them an answer because it seemed to be stuck in my throat, really not wanting to come out. Growing impatient, Jackson asked again, making me sigh in response as I almost inaudibly mumbled his name for the first time, but with the music still playing in the background they actually didn’t understand what I was saying, resulting in them asking again and me starting to get pissed off, saying his name felt like rubbing salt in the wound.
“Jaebum. She likes you, JB.”

JBs mouth dropped open as not one of them had any idea what to say or how to react, not even Jackson seemed to find a way to joke around, which was truly a bad sign. The awkward silence in the room lasted forever or at least that was what it felt like, though I realized that there was nothing for them do to anyway and maybe saying nothing at all was the best. However, after a few minutes BamBam picked up the conversation. Everybody had at least kind of processed the information, but then there was JB next to me, still obviously in shock and starring onto the ground like it had some magic answer prepared for him.

“Did she just say it bluntly like that?” he asked and I had to hold back to roll my eyes at him, what kind of question was that…
“Yes she did, but only because she didn’t know any better.” I answered with the realization coming afterwards that I was actually still protecting her from any bad comments, it was burned into my system to do so. Jinyoung had gotten up in the meantime and sat next to JB, they were mumbling something which I didn’t really pay further attention to unless they wanted to share their talk with the rest of us, what they would do sooner or later.

“And… what did you say to her?” Jackson found his voice back, I don’t think I have ever seen him that calm, like he was genuinely worried or sad for me. I knew that all of them would be mad at me for the reaction I gave her yesterday, especially Jaebum, which didn’t necessarily make it easier for me to spill the tea.
“Well uhm…I kinda had to act cool?” I answered, weakly and definitely insecure about my choice of words. “She asked me to be her wingman…the way we always do. And I said yes.”
Bascially all of them groaned at the same time, clearly disappointed in me, the way I was myself either way. At these words Jaebum slipped back into reality, his eyes wide open and staring at me.

“You want me to actually go out with her?” he stumbled mid-sentence and just kept staring at me until I shrugged my shoulders as a first answer. I didn’t even know what I wanted or didn’t want.

“I want her to be happy, so if (Y/N) wants to go out with you.” I stated, not sure if I meant that. No… I did mean it, but it was hard to admit with a thought of her kissing the guy next to me because she’s falling for him more and more.

“That’s not how things work. I don’t see her in that way, I never did. And I can’t just go out with a girl that one of my best friends likes.” He tried to explain himself with his still lasting shock noticeable in his eyes. Fair enough, I just told him that a very close friend of ours was crushing on him. I supposed things could get awkward. He pushed himself of the couch, lifting his head to stroke back the hair underneath and putting it back on with a big sigh.

“Look, you can still tell her that just… can’t you go out with (Y/N) once? I think she really likes you. This is not about me.” I tried to talk him into it, not mentioning that my whole body tensed up while doing so because it felt so wrong in every fiber of my body.

“Just do it, man. You should feel honored that a girl like her is interested in you.” Jinyoung intervened, giving JB a serious look. He turned away again, walking up and down the room a few times while nervously tapping his thigh and looking at me one last time, as if he needed confirmation that it was actually fine with me. Obviously it wasn’t, but what other options did I have?

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

anonymous asked:

You did good.

gggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thank you, that means a lot to me

I know that she replied again, but I just don’t have the energy to continue that conversation as I can see it’s not going anywhere and I will never be able to get through to her, especially given she keeps misgendering me with no apology… bleh.

I will simply say this now, based on her reaction to everything now I can know with 1oo% certainty that I did the right thing and that she wouldn’t be a good fit. It’s just … a little sad to see it all go down.

Bleh, bleh bleh bleh. Thank you though, honestly.

Still makes me so sad that I waited all year for a new Season of BBUS. The first week or 2 was actually p good with a likable house, how it looked like Paul might’ve been going home, that wild veto…it had me excited for the rest of the season. Then everyone started throwing the game to Paul, letting Paul make all the game moves, showing their true intentions of only wanting to make it to jury, making bigoted comments, and have just boring feeds all together. It’s only week 4 or 5 and half of your audience is tapping out at this boring and disgusting season.

youtube

Random clip with Deaky, Brian and Roger, talking about Made In Heaven. I love Deaky so much - hell, I AM John Deacon, I feel his embarrassment. ‘I’ll just dry up now’. Poor baby. Also, this makes me sad, but for what they all lost when Freddie died, not because Deaky retired. I hope he’s doing well, and not being pestered by too many mercenary autograph-flogging twats.

Texting this evening with the mum of d2’s friend. It’s really hard to find the right words and not make it sounds like it’s all about me. Which of course it isn’t, but to some extent for me it is, because it’s driving me mad watching her starve and get thinner and seeing her use all her food avoidance tactics. It makes me sad to remember all to clearly what it feels like to be obsessed and terrified of food all at the same time. I need to stop feeling those memories for my own mental health.

Also it’s triggering my intense desire to ‘fix’ people. I have been doing better and better with this over the years since 2012 when my failure to be able to fix everyone that was falling apart around me all at once caused me to implode and my eating disorder to spiral again. I KNOW I can’t fix other people, all I can do is work on my responses to them and be there if they need me. I know this and yet I can’t follow through on it.

Obviously I want the friend to get well for herself, to be able to enjoy life again, to enjoy food, to have energy and warmth and laughter back. But I also am struggling with the impact she’s having on me, triggering things in me which have lain quiet for a while. I can walk past very thin people in the street and I don’t feel jealous. But this is just so close to home and I am having to watch the process of weight loss and eating disorder at close quarters and it’s hard.

What I really want to say to the mum is “for goodness sake, please hurry up and DO something fast to make your daughter better because I can’t stand this. It’s too difficult for me to stand by helplessly and watch her. I need her to be better because every moment I’m around her I’m fighting urges and thoughts that I need to fix her myself. I can’t stop watching her when she’s at my house, torturing myself by playing I-spy ed behaviours. I’m angry that she’s doing this to me. And in order to cope with all this churned up stuff, to damp down all the anxiety and the feelings, I’m restricting. Then I’m even more frustrated because after so long, a bit of restricting has no impact on my weight, it just makes me feel rubbish, and then I end up fighting thoughts of restricting more, which is NOT what I want to do….. but I wish my head wasn’t so noisy.”

Ever since you have come into my life, nothing has been the same. I see the world in a completely new way and everything that I see and do reminds me of you and us. You’ve helped me to try and see the best in everything, and I’ve gone from someone so sad to someone so happy all because of you. Because you give me a reason to be happy. I couldn’t go a single day without knowing that you were mine. I want you to show me what living really is, and you have started to do that already. You know why I fell so deeply in love with you? Because I was so afraid of falling, so worried because of the past- but when I did fall, you didn’t just catch me- you pulled me into the sweetest embrace known to man. As soon as I let you in, you began to fix and love all the broken parts of me which I never thought anyone would know or care about. Thank you for everything. I know sometimes relationships aren’t perfect, and every couple goes through it all. But one thing I know for a fact, I know that you made me feel some type of way. A way that I have never felt before. You proved yourself to me that you do actually love me. Even when times were rough, you never left me. You never doubted me not once, and that’s what I adore about you. You’re caring, loving and you aren’t a quitter.

I don’t want to lose my happiness, but a part of me knew that you wouldn’t give up on me because a childish reason. I’m glad you didn’t because it reassured what we had. It also made it a lot stronger. I am so happy, I got to go through it with you. We made it.