The scariest thing about the sea is how little we know of it. As the saying goes, we know less about the oceans than the surface of the moon. And that’s the scientists. The laymen know even less, and even most of that is skewed and laden with misinformation, no little thanks to the media’s sensationalistic fuckery that proposes that the entire ocean is out to fillet your ass. (As a reminder, my continous insistence that the sea is a writhing Lovecraftian hellscape full of man-eating terror is a conscious exaggeration for the sake of comedy. Please do not take my writing style seriously.)
The worst case of this is obviously sharks. The poor things have been so much vilified for no reason. Ever since Jaws and its massive cultural impact, sharks became the go-to bad guy of the animal world, with real-life effects too. (Can I say widespread shark hunting after the movie came out? I’m sure I can.) It also caused various memetic bullshit spreading about sharks that means we ended up with films like this.
Pictured: what the fresh hell
A trend I noticed in this killer shark shittery is that the “killer shark” is always a Great White. Always, always a Great White, which is also the first thing that pops into people’s minds when someone says “shark”. It’s like other sharks don’t exist, which is sad because sharks are a group as diverse as, say, carnivore mammals. Can you imagine if people wrote off carnivores as just wolves and nothing else? Because this is exactly like that.
Sharks are crazy diverse, but we never manage to peel our eyes away from the Great White for a long enough time to notice how insane they are. We have stuff like sawfish,
and the utterly ridiculous thing called the wobbegong. (Yes, that is a shark.)
What I’m basically saying is that sharks have as many forms as any other order of animals do, and people are so preoccupied with tacking as many CGI teeth on the Great White as it is humanly possible that we don’t notice how interesting, and weird, and fucking stupid sharks can be.
Seriously, I dare you to go to a shark horror movie and take the shark danger seriously after acquainting yourself with today’s specimen, the swellshark. Because this guy is just so ridiculous, I swear to Cthulhu.
This right here is today’s specimen, Cephaloscyllium ventriosum. It’s a pretty run-of-the-mill shark, small, brown and pointy-nosed, but its entire life goal is to methodically fuck up the fearsome reputation its Great White cousin has worked so hard for, and be absolutely laughable.
It spends all day being a lazy ass and sleeping in rocky crevices, hunting at night by being even more of a lazy ass and lying in wait until the prey is mere centimeters away, or even more of a lazy ass by laying on the rock bottom with its mouth open and literally waiting for the prey to swim into it. However, sometimes it can be a surpisingly daft little shit and raid human lobster traps without getting caught.
The stupid part is its self defense strategy.
So we’ve established that this little fuck lives in rock crevices. Naturally, this means that anything sufficiently determined and hungry can easily pull it out, right?
Wrong. Because if threatened, the swellshark lives up to its name by pulling the most ludicrous defense stunt this side of self destruction.
It sucks up water, and does this.
IT INFLATES. IT FUCKING INFLATES. THIS IS AN INFLATABLE SHARK. I QUIT.
Furthermore, it bites into its own tail and thus turns into a swollen little donut that’s completely impossible to dislodge from the crevice it’s in. I mean it works, but it’s so dumb.
To take away even more from the fearsome reputation of sharks, it is bioluminescent, and it has a tendency of sleeping in heaps of fellow little sharks.
So the next time someone puts out an Ultra Mutant Killer Shark movie, remember that there is a shark that glows in the dark, sleeps in cuddle piles and inflates to defend itself, and have a merry day laughing at the film’s stupidity.
They're probably like maybe 5 feet tall, but they can throw fire at you. Otherwise they're kind of weak. Fight this dude.
They're a literal tree branch. Fight them. Do it. Use them as firewood if you want, I don't care.
Fighting Name Dropper is conflicting — don't bring any money or valuable items because they WILL steal your shit and then shame you for not taking care of your teeth. But if you can stand having stuff taken and dental insult, then do it. Fight Name Dropper.
Don't let them touch you and you'll be fine. Beat these nerds up.
Mover & Shaker:
Like Telemarketer, they're literal sticks, but they can be titan sized so maybe don't fight these things if you get motion sickness.
Bring earmuffs if you want to live.
Don't say anything to them and you should be a-okay.
THEY'RE SO TALL WHY DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT THIS PROBABLY BUFF WEIRD ROBOT WITH SUNS FOR TEETH DON'T FIGHT MR. HOLLYWOODS IN REAL LIFE...
no oh my god what the hell are you doing do you want to dIE HE IS A LITERAL SENTIENT TANK MAN DO NOT FIGHT THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF SALES IN REAL LIFE
-> CASHBOTS <-
Steal their money. Do it. It'll be funny and also you'll win. They might even cry too.
Distract them with crabs. Pinch pinch pinch
Just stick gum wads to them. It works a lot.
Spill small objects everywhere. They'll be too distracted to even see you so make a run for it because these beanpoles aren't even worth your time.
AVOID THE FACE
Like. Their eyes are on top of their head pretty much. Aim them at the sun and you'll be good.
Like Cruncher, avoid their mouths. But like, don't fight them? They didn't do a lot wrong. Don't fight Loan Shark, they're sad enough.
Beat this piece of shit up he deserves it. Even more fun, get Lil Oldman to join you. Then you can fight TWO pieces of shit.
HE'S A MONEY TANK DON'T FIGHT THE CFO IN REAL LIFE
-> LAWBOTS <-
Do it. But fight them somewhere clean, because like, trash only makes them stronger.
I guess? If you wanna fight a robot vampire lawyer that lives off your bad luck, go ahead.
Absolutely. Punch them in all 2 faces. More faces to punch, more weakness.
If you can stop them from running away, sure.
Bring a gun, they won't expect it. Nobody brings knives to a gunfight, right? Absolutely.
Destroy them, they're really shitty DJs and also probably got their degree from Mayo Clinic. Fight Spin Doctor.
Have you ever wanted to punch a buff robot furry? Well now you can. Beware the beak and talons though. Fight Legal Eagle.
Wears a wig, just tug on it and they'll go ballistic. Fight Big Wig.
He's made fun of by some toons for being blind, please give him a break.
-> BOSSBOTS <-
They already have a hard enough time doing their job, why would you want to fight a Flunky.
Fight a giant sentient pencil. Fight Pencil Pusher.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
You can like. Just step on them. Don't fight Micromanager, you're OP. They're probably just small babies in a suit.
Don't fight Downsizer. He'll shrink you until Micromanager can step on you.
are you out of your mind don't fight this monstrosity with a tiny head and gIANT ARMS
DO NOT FIGHT CORPORATE RAIDER THEYRE LITERAL PIRATES DO NOT FIGHT A ROBOT BUSINESS PIRATE
The Big Cheese:
Just eat nachos or something with melted cheese, it will unsettle them enough to make them forfeit.
• Jack listens to Marina and The Diamonds (Lardo and Shitty recommended it)
• Chowder falls asleep to Sharks plays and sometimes when he’s sad/angry/tired, Sharks hockey fights
• Bitty has a good singing voice but jfc Ransom has the voice of an angel
• Ransom, Holster, Shitty, and Jack were once really drunk that they made a quartet and created a whole album full of cover songs. (Bitty found it and died of laughter)
• Bitty had an emo phase and sometimes he cries over MCR and FOB (Jack is very confused but still gives cuddles)
• Dex and Nursey bond over the Jonas Brothers for 5 minutes before they started arguing again
• Farmer and Chowder are lil lovebirds that they’ve already planned their dream wedding
• Ransom and Holster used to snuggle together in one bed but before falling asleep they would whisper “no homo though” to each other (then they discovered the magic of bunk beds)
• Shitty once screamed about equality while running throughout the campus in a tutu as Bitty threw glitter all around behind him
•Bitty knows how to shoot a gun while baking a pie (he regrets nothing)
• Lardo likes to paint the team’s nails and make little art on each nail (they all love them) ((even jack))
• Tango has so much Fall Out Boy merch you don’t even know
• Whiskey loves to ruffle Tango’s hair and make dad puns
• Tater likes to doodle cats and unicorns on Jack’s face
• Georgia fully supports it and bought him multiple pens and markers
Shark Week may seem like fun and games, but thanks to sensationalized media coverage and shows, sharks are often portrayed as villainous monsters when in fact, millions of sharks are killed by human activity each year. The sad reality is that sharks should be way more scared of us than we are of them.
To counteract the hype, we want to invite you to have some fun with our Shark Week BINGO! Play along with your friends while watching Shark Week shows and see if you can spot any of these outrageous tropes. (Feel free to download these BINGO boards and print them!) And follow Greenpeace USA all week for ways to help #SaveSharks!
Sarah is a trooper and made it all the way to NYC even with her knee injury.
super profoundly lazy person who likes laying on the couch with cheese dust in her hair and all over in her face, “netflixing” because that’s a verb
began writing ToG when she was 16 (always writing and why she’s not good at math XD)
while agent was having a baby, she needed something to do and ACoTAR hit her while she was listening to the Princess Mononoke soundtrack (WOO MIYAZAKI!)
has always been a fairytale addict (inspiration of Beauty and the Beast, Tamlin, East of the Sun and West of the Moon)
first draft was done in 5 weeks with over 130k words
Queen of Shadows is longer than Heir of Fire
ToG is the series will be the neverending book - finale book in 3075 XD
crazy to see NYT label on ACoTAR and reminds her of her days where she wondered if she would get published, get a full time job, BE AN ADULT
favorite element of fairytales in ACoTAR - nod to East of the Sun and West of the Moon and in the aftermath of a Beauty & the Beast-esque story where an evil queen takes Beast and Belle has to go save him from the evil queen
loved that girl-centric, empowered, fairytale feel
wanted the villain in ACoTAR to be multi-faceted, powerful person as well as Feyre
miserable/violent scenes and kissing scenes are Maas’s favorite parts to write
how hard is it to make Feyre and Aelin such strong, but vulnerable characters? Thinks of them as people and that as people, they’re not one-dimensional, but just normal people who can rise and who can be vulnerable
Feyre is more thoughtful while Aelin is all BURN IT DOWN!
LOTS OF TALK OF STEAMY, DELICIOUS MEN WHICH EVERYONE SWOONS OVER
Sarah was surprised at people who love Dorian
Sarah’s favorite male character as of TODAY - Rhys (her personal answer)
was all about Tamlin until she literally wrote Rhys’s entry into the story and his yumminess threw itself onto her
are there gonna be more hot men? YES! A Court of Abs and Pecs will be ACoTAR 2 ;)
one of Rowan’s friends returns in QoS, hot but sort of an a-hole
Nox from ToG will return down the line
ACoTAR 2 will start off a few weeks after the end of ACoTAR 1 regarding Feyre’s continuing journey
will deal with the consequences of what happened under the mountain and how Feyre comes out of that level of darkness; and what happens after the happily ever after
lots of steamy times and more yummy men
only took a month to write 145k words, still unknown of what the final version will be
QoS first chapters are in Dorian’s POV
jumps to Aelin’s POV - she is officially Aelin, not Celaena
Aelin has come back to the empire to fuck over Arobynn and the KING and has a plan
bloody and violent, lots of steamy times
Aelin and Manon meet, goes as well as you would think it would
some of the most fun she has had writing a book
Lysandra from novellas come back, as does Rowan - lots of reunions
Sarah cried a lot while writing QoS, happy and sad
the world of ToG and ACoTAR can be part of the same megaverse through the Wyrdgates
Went on to play ‘Would You Rather’
WYR write a good character that turns into a villain or kill off a character good or bad - a character that turns into a villain
Sarah’s favorite movies are Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid
WYR be Ariel or Belle for a day - would rather be Elsa because of her powers of ice XD. She’d rather be Ariel because she loves music, but she has no vocal talent - wanted to have a beautiful voice, would only be Belle while she’s at the castle and not in the village where Gaston would be drooling
WYR go shopping with Celaena or arts and crafts with Feyre - shopping with Celaena. Feyre would be silent and point out wtf she’s doing wrong whereas shopping would be so fun down Fifth Ave
WYR face the king in ToG or queen in ACoTAR - the king because he’s all OFF WITH YOUR HEAD whereas the queen would just cut off each body part slowly and take weeks to kill you or keep your soul in a little ring with her forever
WYR go out with Rowan or go out with Rhys - depends on where they would be going out. Rowan would be so unhappy in a fancy restaurant and would wonder why there’s so much silverware, can’t I have my meat on a stick. Rowan would go hiking. She’d take both. Rhys will take her out to dinner, and to shop and buy her jewelry and she’d go home with Rowan where they’ll have fun another way XD
one of Sarah’s favorite tour memories was in Nashville where she had an older man (50s) in the audience who was a fan of hers. He was a cancer nurse and one of the patients at a childrens’ hospital was a big fan of hers as well. The teenage girl was terrified of needles so they would pass the time of being poked with needles by talking about her books. The girl passed away and he came to the reading because of her memory. (Seriously, there were some damp eyes in the room). She went back to her hotel room that night and sobbed.
she can’t wait to go to New Zealand for her AUS tour and find Lord of the Rings Middle Earth; will wear costumes even if its 100 degrees and she’s wearing a cloak
wants to do tours in Asia, especially Philippines and Japan
if she had 3 months to live, she’d love to go to South Africa to see the great white sharks and be in a shark cage with them even though she’s been terrified of being bite them (awakened by the horror of watching the PG-rated Jaws)
sad when sharks are eating the little seals; doesn’t like the animal violence!!
feels like Manon and the witches are sort of inspired by the great white sharks
SHAMELESS PLUGGING FOR SUSAN DENNARD’S TRUTHWITCH AND ALEXANDRA BRACKEN’S PASSENGER (January 5, 2015)
loves the epic female friendship and the hottest dudes of all time in Truthwitch
when Susan sent her the start of the book and Sarah saw the first chapter, she pushed her hard to get published
very Avatar: The Last Airbender-esque
Susan and Sarah like to joke that the two female characters are them and their friendship from some past life
even went as far to have the two friends have ‘S’ names before editor said it was a little too much and too obvious - change one name
Susan wanted to have a strong female friendship that didn’t cancel out romance
huge Cole fan from The Darkest Minds
ADORABLE BANTER BETWEEN ALEX (who was present) AND SARAH
lots of love for Outlander
Passenger is a thrill ride where there’s time-travel
before they were friends, Sarah was determined to be friends with Susan and Alex and would totally stalk them
asked if there was any author she still would love to meet - she’s such a mess when she meets the authors that she loves, she’ll cry
had a major meltdown in front of Melina Marchetta when she was at a comic con with Susan whom physically pushed her so she could say hi
this was a few weeks before ToG was coming out
Melina Marchetta’s books were therapeutic for her and helped her get through a lot of the writing process
tried to convey that to her, but turned out to be a mess and Melina hugged her
an hour later at her signing, Sarah tried to tell her again, but ended up sobbing and Melina just told her to email her because it was obvious she couldn’t talk XD
the way Melina was with her inspired her on how to be an author and be with your fans
a few months later, Sarah and Susan were at the Decatur Book Festival where they saw one of Susan’s favorite author, Robin Hobb and Sarah paid her back by forcing her to say hello
Susan started sobbing and Robin took them out to dinner and spent hours with them just talking
inspired Susan and Sarah on how to be with other authors and how to treat people well
Truthwitch recently blurbed by Robin and both Sarah and Susan were crying about it
Sarusan is a thang :D, but a romantic ship that’s never going to sail
Played Kiss/Marry/Kill with Tamlin, Lucien, and Rhys
She’d marry Rhys because she knows his secrets and she wants him. Would kiss (but really the OTHER word that is usually replacing kiss) Tamlin, and would give away Lucien
Q&A with audience
of all the worlds she created, what world would she exist in? She might survive in the world of ACoTAR if she were a fae. If things got better in the ToG, maybe she would live there
if Rhys and Feyre got to know one another before they made a particular bargain in the book, would his treatment of her have been different? A secret of Rhys’s that only Sarah knows
What is Sarah’s favorite court from ACoTAR? The Night Court and you find out why in ACoTAR 2
Are there any characters in books that are influenced by her friends or her husband? HER HUSBAND WISHES XD. She tries to keep the people in her life separate from her books simply because they’re not like them. She and Celaena are only alike in the sense that they like to lie around, eat, read, and listen to music. Feyre has little pieces of me. Ansel from the novellas made her reminiscent of the failed friendships in high school and the anger she had to confront regarding those friendships
Husband definitely not like Chaol
If Celaena could bingewatch, what would she watch? OUTLANDER! Celaena would be like Sarah and would take 2 hours to watch a 1 hour episode because she would be rewinding to watch Jamie naked XD or any of the sexytimes. Would also love Avatar: The Last Airbender and be sobbing through the last Agni Kai
How does Sarah switch between POVs in ToG so well? She only writes about characters who speak to her, who she can really hear. She only writes POVs that she can envision and really care about. Manon was planned to be introduced farther down the line, but she was a character Sarah really wanted to write even though she was disconnected with the other POVs.
Are we ever going to find out the king’s name in ToG? Maaaaaybe. There is a reason why that’s kept a secret. You’ll find out more about the king in QoS.
What scene was the hardest to get through? Sam and Nehemia’s deaths. Most of Heir of Fire was emotionally difficult to write because it dealt with the loss of Celaena’s best friend, Nehemia and Sarah tried to think of a world where Susan didn’t exist. She had to think about that to get into Celaena’s head. The entire flashback of what happens to Aelin’s family and the moment where Aelin takes on the vow of princes and decides that her story isn’t one of darkness, but one that she gets to decide how it ends.
Confirmation that Sam is dead as a door nail.
How did Sarah come up with the names of her characters? Thought Sarah was the most boring name when she first started the book.
First wanted to call Chaol Chaos, but Chaos is too Final Fantasy and thought it would be obvious how Chaol was going to be pronounced. Her editor said she needed to change the name and she wouldn’t budge. Her editor told her she was going to regret it AND SHE TOTALLY DID because no one in the world knows how to pronounce it. XDDD
Dorian inspired by The Picture of Dorian Gray when they were reading it in high school and she thought Dorian was so hot so BAM!
Sometimes if a side character needs to brutally die, she’ll ask her friends about all their childhood bullies. The names get all fantasy-ish so people can’t figure it out. She doesn’t like putting the names of people who have wronged her because she doesn’t want to be sued. It’s her way of defending her friends when she wasn’t there for him.
Celaena’s name came from Peter S. Beagle’s, The Last Unicorn - a Harpy (which is a real figure in Greek mythology) named Celaeno meaning ‘dark one’. Being 16, she thought that was so cool, but thought Celaeno was too masculine, so she switched out the o for an a.
Aelin’s name came from the Alien franchise, but she had no idea how it really came to be. But they have the same letters moved around. Aelin was organic.
Feyre’s name was a product of not wanting to name her Belle or Beauty. Sarah researched older variants of ‘fair’ and ‘beautiful’. Her editor said this was almost NOT going to be easy to pronounce, but there is a line in ACoTAR where one of Feyre’s sisters draws out her name in a whine because there needed to be a way to say her name. So NO EXCUSES FOR PRONUNCIATION CONFUSION!