DENNIS walks through the door of the bar and slams it behind him. He looks positively gleeful. There’s a real spring in his step.

DENNIS: Everybody, gather ‘round. I have some big news to share.

THE GANG gathers ‘round. Dennis surveys them all a moment, and then takes in a deep breath.

DENNIS: Now, I realize this may come as a bit of a shock, but I think I should just come right out and say it: everybody, I’m queer.

THE GANG starts talking over one another, hollering things at Dennis.

DEE: What do you mean you’re queer? You bang chicks all the time!

FRANK: Are you saying you want to bang dudes, too?

MAC: …Are you saying you want to bang dudes?

Dennis lifts his hands. 

DENNIS: Guys, guys. Please. You are all operating with an extraordinarily antiquated understanding of what it is to be queer. All this talk of “banging dudes.” Ridiculous. That’s not what the word queer means.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I thought it just meant, like… weird. Or strange.

DENNIS: That’s exactly right, Charlie. Which is why I, as an aromantic heterosexual man, can claim the word.

FRANK: What the hell is an aro-

DENNIS: I’m glad you asked, Frank. I read about it in GQ. An aromantic heterosexual man is someone who is sexually attracted to women, but has no desire for a relationship with one. Which, let’s be honest, describes me perfectly. And that’s why I’m coming out. As part of the queer community.

DEE: You asshole.

DENNIS: Dee, that is extremely aphobic, and I will not have it. Calling me an asshole for my sexual preference is no better than calling Mac a -

MAC: Please don’t finish that sentence, Dennis.

Dennis throws up his hands, faking defensiveness.

DENNIS: Well, excuse me, allogay.

MAC: What? What are you -

CHARLIE: Hold on. I’m confused. If you want to bang chicks but not date them, how is that… weird? Or strange? I mean, I thought that was pretty common.

FRANK: Yeah! You know, I think I might be an aromantic heterosexual, too.

DEE: Oh, Jesus Chri-

DENNIS: That’s wonderful news, Frank. And I hope you know that no matter what these aphobic bigots say, you are valid.

FRANK: Wow. I’m valid!

DENNIS: That’s right. Now let’s hit the strip club and bag us some puss!

Frank and Dennis high-five one another and exit through the front door. The remaining members of the gang are silent for a moment. Dee and Charlie exchange a skeptical look. Mac, eyes still on the door, lets out a sigh.

MAC: God. Damn it.

I have to wonder what kind of disconnect goes on int someone’s head when they leave the comment:

“Sounds great, but if it were me I’d use all purpose or wholemeal flour instead of the gf, it’s much healthier for you and tastes great!” 

On a website run by and aimed at people suffering from celiac disease looking for recipes. 

It’s also not their only comment, cause on the page about dairy free gf brownies (oftentimes people with celiac and other similar gut problems develop casein and lactose problems) their comment is “personally I’d use milk instead of olive oil, milk gives it a better taste, also that’s a lot of egg! if you just used butter you wouldn’t need to use so much egg” just like, are you aware of where you are right now??? 

  • INT: Let's say - very hypotheticalley - that the world is coming to an end. What are you listening to right before that nuclear warhead strikes?
  • DAMON: I'm listening to the birds -if there were birds singing- or the sound of a breeze in the trees or water running, just something really elemental. Because that's where we come from, and I suppose if it's the end, I would like to be as close to the beginning as possible.
  • Vegas Seven Mag - April 2017

Int: do you believe in love at first sight?

Camila: yes.

Me: (*imagines* dang she has a nice voice, dang she’s pretty too!“)

Int: who’s your first celebrity crush?

Me: Lauren!!!

C: uhhhhh…. Zac Efron…

Me: shit. (*hauls my delusional ass out of the interview*) 😂😂😂

Pt. 2
  • Sam: We have to jump!
  • Tucker: Are you crazy? I can't jump!
  • Sam: And I can't abandon Danny!
  • Sam: *wears clothing that she absolutely hates in order to get her parents to stop being mean to Danny and let her see him again*
  • Sam: *agrees to go to a party she hates because the boys want to go, even though there's a movie they promised her they'd go see and she bought non-refundable tickets*
  • Sam: *though she's angry, by the end she gets over it and tells Danny he should go to the party*
  • Phandom: Sam is an awful friend because she said sometimes she wished she never met Danny after he lashed out at her and blamed her for countless things, some of which, weren't necessarily completely her fault, right after she saved his life. That can really upset people, and even though this episode wasn't the most well-written, that's kind of a trope that's been used int cartoons before, we have no problems with Danny and Tucker's behavior, Danny clearly wasn't as hurt by it as the people we use as examples, and Sam's own wish undid the one she made in the first place and she went on a rant about how much she regretted saying that, Sam is the most despicable and disgusting friend in existence. Clearly.
D&D Stories

@charlesoberonn asked for fun stories from Dungeons and Dragons so here are some of the best from the group I’m in right now. (There’s eight of us and we are currently in 3 different campaigns so there’s a lot of shenanigans.)

(Under read more because wow so much shenanigans it got way longer than I thought it would)

Keep reading

stupid script-y eurovision ficlet

(so i might tweak this later but i just wanted to write something silly, enjoy! <3)


INT. TODD’S APARTMENT, mostly repaired. It looks about as un-Todd-like as can be, festooned with sparkly garland and balloons. Bowls of snacks cover the coffee table, bottles upon bottles of beer, wine and pre-mixed cocktails line the kitchen counter. DIRK bustles around, humming Alexander Rybak’s ‘FAIRYTALE’ as he pours out more peanuts. TODD fiddles with the cable connecting Dirk’s laptop to the TV, grumbling.


All this for some goddamn karaoke.

Keep reading

mta gente pergunta pq nos mulheres as vezes somos grossa , fria , sem educaçao com vcs meninos , pq hj em dia ta assim , se vc é legal , trata ele bem , e tals ! a maioria dos meninos acha q agente ta dando mole, dando moral ,acha q agente  é obrigada a querer alguma coisa com ele , não confunda minha Educação com liberdade que pensa que te dei. Ok?!quem me conhece sabe que sou carinhosa ,qnd vejo q o menino quer outra coisa , me afast , qnd vejo q o menino quer um pao legal , sem nada em troca , mos ja ganah meu respeito na hr , int s vc tem moral cmg n estraga n blz?  e quando agente fala que quer so amizade , o muleque que se diz homem fica revoltadim uai , começa  inventa coisa  pq ? pq n é homem , n tem maturidade suficiente pra entende que nem smp q agente cnvs com vcs é pq agente quer fica , ou namora …se vc me tem adc no seu face, pense q qro alguma coisa com vc n ,  claro que nem todos sao assim , mais isso cansa sabia? claro que tbm tem umas meninas que só por deus neh , mais nem todas sao assim n moss, tu ta querendo algo com a mina faz por merecer uai , pq difamando ela pros amigos e ignorando n vai adianta merda nem uma,quer mulher de postura ? uma mina firmeza? faz por merecer int , pq ja to cansada disso ja , n sou obrigada a querer namorand com ngm n so pq ela quer , smp trato td mundo bem , msm nessas horas n sou dessas q pisa e liudi n , mais ja queé assim ,, vo começa a para conversa, vo começa a ser fria , grossa , quem sabe assim apredndem a respeita

anonymous asked:

hey. watch salad fingers. :D


Is thIs a cautIoNary tale XMXIV 

It certainly feels like one. ~F 

Here’s one for the archives! -Scriniarii 

what iXX hiXX voiXXe even??? and why doeXX it XXmell XXo weird???

That’s an… int<3r<3sting approach to cin<3ma 

卐 I have no clue what is going on 卐 


anonymous asked:

BizzAnon says: Baby anon, you are terrible at math. If you want a proper analysis, review previous KS's - Vol 2 averaged about a grand a day in the "doldrums" after the initial rush and before the last few days. There's no question the KS is going to make goal, the doldrum average will depend largely on whether or not the readership has grown and what percentage of int'l backers drop out relative to the previous KS's due to insane int'l shipping increases.

(BizzAnon cont’d.) There’s absolutely zero chance of 250k, Kicktraq is not accurate during the initial blitz run of any KS. Its averages get better after a week or so in the doldrums. There will be a point at which readership will level off instead of constantly increasing because the initial time investment to get through the backlog will intimidate a lot of people away, and this KS is going to be the first proper test as to whether or not readership has started to level.

(BizzAnon can’t shut up) Right now we’re just entering the doldrums and are averaging ~1700 for the last two days - if this trend continues it will top my original estimate of 95k, maybe to the 110k range - that said, the potential monkey wrench in the analysis is the opening up of the 3-book tier, which will cause an big increase and may nudge it up to the 115-120k range. So far it looks like int'l readers are either a trivial percentage of the readership or the readership has increased (cont)

(BizzAnon is having a tremendously long-winded bout of insomnia) or the domestic readership has increased enough to offset the reduced purchasing of the int'l readership because of the increase in shipping charges. You may be commanding enough loyalty that the int'l readership are just sucking up the increased charges - I’d actually be kind of interested to see that data after the KS is over, relative to vol 2. If the int'l percentage stays the same you’ve got tremendously loyal readers.

BizzAnon, go to bed!

I know there are a lot of people out there who really want the full set and are holding off because of it. I wish my inventory situation wasn’t so awkward. I just don’t know a way to safely print all three books without first meeting that stretch goal. Probably what I should have done was make that the KS goal to start with. I just didn’t think there’d be that much demand for all three! I thought I’d mostly be selling volume 3′s to established readers who’d been waiting for it.

Artists should not be doing this kind of stuff; some of us are pretty dumb.

Meanwhile at the Vanguard’s Event

Inte: “Can I roll to save the souls of the people in the village?”

Me: “Hrm, sure. Roll out of….say 527.”

Me: “What the fuck.”

@commandergabrielr replied to your post “I scrolled by a Gency thing the other day. I stored away in my head a…”

I’m amused that they felt the need to add their personal opinion for no reason.

// That was part of what made the whole thing so amusing, I agree. 

I must’ve done a shitty job explaining, but I laughed. I can’t draw, but if I could:


Jack is seated. He pulls up news on his monitor, coffee in hand. 

Very first article: Commander Jack Morrison, most boring man in the world

Morrison sighs and turns off the monitor.