rus blog

Leave me alone

Now that i have been attacked openly by this person, I feel it necessary to tell my side of the story. It probably will not matter to anyone concerned, but I am outraged that anyone would call me the things that this person has, and I will be damned if I take that in silence.

Ru approached the first week of November and began asking me questions, as per the usual way that readers do. To which, I replied politely. They gave me very helpful feedback on their impression reading one segment of my diary. That very week the elections happened. Ru was distraught and threatened to kill themselves. I spent almost six hours talking to them, encouraging them not to do anything rash. It occurred to me, about half way through that process, that this person was not going to hurt themselves, but was instead in need of someone to talk to. I can understand that, and if I could be of service, it did not harm me to console them. I kept in contact.

Shortly after that, i began a Tumblr-based social club to watch movies. It was very successful, and Ru was a very central part of that group, coming to nearly all the showings we organized. Ru’s family troubles, their depression, their habits, and their tendency not to eat became of grave importance to the group. We all encouraged Ru to leave the abusive household and to eat regular meals. Such that Ru and I made a bargain - I promised to write Ru a personal letter with a sketch inside if Ru could show me they had eaten 1700 calories a day for one week. This happened, and I did, in fact, send that letter. Ru spoke to me literally every day, and even received a Christmas present from me. Ru also asked if they could refer to me as a parent figure or father figure. I consented.

But then Ru’s behavior became somewhat problematic, from mocking other people’s reactions to certain films or shows, to making bizarre statements and going suddenly offline. On the day we watched “Django Unchained”, it was a few days after the death of a friend of mine. I was depressed. Ru opted out of the film, because films involving racism tend to trigger them, which is perfectly understandable. We all said farewell. About fifteen minutes later, Ru reentered the chatroom, and instantly began railing about the film. Ru objected to the use of certain words, to the content, to anything that had anything to do with the history. Ru claimed that the one scene in the movie that mocks the KKK as the idiots they are was “humanizing them” to which, several of us said we did not think it did any such thing. To me, it made racists look of sub-par intelligence. Buffoons. Ru became completely inconsolable and accused the entire group (which was not all white) of being racists and KKK sympathizers. Ru then said they “hate all white people”. I was angry, because I thought that Ru had purposefully involved themselves in a situation that would make them angry and was now taking out all their feelings on everyone in the room, instead of the people who truly deserve to be treated in such a way. I left the room. For two hours, Ru insisted on messaging me, demanding to know why I was being a racist. I said I was not. Ru insisted that I believed in “reverse racism” because I told them that they were being rude and distracting from the film. I denied that, but asked Ru why they felt that they needed to assume everyone in the group was white, and why they had come to the film if they knew it would trigger them to lash out against their friends. They then came back to the room with me and apologized for being so upset and saying what they said.

They then remained friends with our group for several more weeks, but I noticed that their behavior toward everyone was particularly odd. They would tell one person one thing and then tell another person something different. On a Friday, they came into the group and told the several of us present that they had accidentally overdosed the previous evening by taking 3 of their antidepressant medications with a bottle of wine, and that while delirious, set up a timed Tumblr post to trigger at midnight, if they couldn’t wake up to undo that scheduled post. According to Ru, the post read “If you see this I have died”. At once, this rang as bizarre to me. I asked why, if they felt so ill, and were afraid they might not wake up they didn’t call an ambulance? How, if that ill and that frightened, could they type and then schedule a Tumblr post? They said that it was quite alright, that everything was fine and they were no longer in danger, that it wouldn’t happen again because they had developed a system for making sure they didn’t accidentally take too many pills when they were drinking.

The very next evening, I received several frantic messages from multiple members of the group, demanding that I give them Ru’s address, because they needed to call an ambulance. I asked why. I am not about to give someone’s address out to complete strangers. The members said that Ru had accidentally taken too many medications and needed help. I messaged Ru, and received no reply. One of the others who had messaged me was apparently on the telephone with Ru and said that Ru was completely incoherent and groggy, and that they had told Ru to go vomit up the medications, but the phone line had gone dead. I messaged Ru again, demanding that they reply to me, that if they did not I wouldn’t speak to them again, and I would call the police. About one minute elapsed, and I received a perfectly spelled and completely coherent message saying that they couldn’t speak to me, because they were on the phone with the other person. Except that that call had terminated several minutes before. They then went on to say they had taken 2 pills by mistake, when just the previous evening, they had said that 2 was their normal dose, and 3 was too much. This discrepancy concerned me.

I could be wrong, but a person dying of an OD, who is incoherent one moment is not going to vomit up pills and be perfectly fine the next. I was confused and suspicious. I showed the chat conversation to the other concerned parties, and they agreed with my suspicions. One of these people had lost a friend to an overdose, and was instantly very angry and hurt. They blocked Ru that instant. The other wrote Ru a long letter saying they wanted distance from Ru. When Ru saw that letter, they came to me and demanded to know why this was happening. I confronted Ru and told them that it seemed very obvious that their two “accidental” overdoses were planned. They denied nothing. I told them I had nothing to say to them and this this type of action was going to cost them friends.

Several others blocked Ru, as I understand it, not based on anything I said, but based upon more of Ru’s behavior (of which I was not told). Ru again came to me and asked what they could do to repair their friendships. I instructed them to apologize and admit what they’d done and then attempt to work their way back into the group by being honest and compassionate to the others.

They then turned around and went to the ones who had been involved, and wrote apology letters admitting to faking the overdoses. However, after a week, with no one willing to speak to them still, Ru came to me and spent literally five hours telling me why I had ruined all their friendships by spreading lies, that I was unhealthy for them, that I was ruining their life. I told them if they felt that way they could block me and that that was perfectly fine with me. They then said “but I don’t blame you.” As if after saying such malicious things and doing such malicious things for weeks could be erased by saying, “but I don’t blame you”. Why should I be blamed for Ru’s behavior? They then said that they “never lied except to lie about the overdoses.” I asked what that meant. Ru said that those false OD’s were actually suicide attempts, and that they lied to everyone about having made them up because I told them it was the only way to get their friends back. That is plainly untrue. I told them to tell the truth. I told them what it looked like and that they alone could explain. That aside, it became apparent that they blamed their lack of contact with the others one one person: me. Regardless of all that, the circumstances also don’t match suicide attempts, because the amounts of medications they claimed to take versus their normal doses, still made no sense. I realized that this was all a game to them, that we people on the internet are pawns and some kind of psychological pleasure was derived from playing us off each other.

I then asked Ru to leave me alone and finally blocked them.

For weeks now, Ru has attempted to contact me via all my other social networks saying things like “If you don’t want to talk to me you should block me.” So I obliged. I blocked Ru on every single social network. Then Ru began making secondary blogs and contacting all of those who had blocked them via those. I blocked them again. Then Ru tried to send messages to members of the group via mutuals who had not yet blocked. This offended these people, and I assume they blocked Ru. Now Ru has again made new accounts and is out and out calling me a racist. Now I learn that conversations that (happened weeks before we ever parted company) lasted literally hours and worked through many tangents, have been carefully photographed and complied to make me seem as terrible a person as they assert I am.

Never mind that this disagreement over the film took place weeks before they were blocked and no longer welcome to the group. Never mind that this “Call out” took place from two URL’s each belonging to Ru, designed to look as if it came from a group of people who all unanimously hate me. Never mind that I have spent days and even weeks conversing with Ru, trying to get them into a good therapy program, trying to encourage them to apply themselves to school, asking them to be mindful of their health. Hours and hours of conversations in Spanish, in English, and what have you. Never mind that this person called me “Dad”. All Ru cares about is that some people they’ve never met, blocked them because they behaved poorly. We are the villains and they will carefully tweak all our private discourse to fit that narrative. This is manipulative and cruel.

I am hurt. I am offended. But mostly, I am saddened. I cannot believe I trusted someone who clearly does not care about anyone but themselves. I am depressed that I wasted time I could have devoted to someone else. What’s more, I’m angry that this person feels the need to resort to such extremes when all they had to do is walk away. Every week it is something new, and I am the focus of their anger.

I am forced to reexamine everything they ever said to me, about their abusive home life, their relationship with their parents, their discussions of their gender and sexuality. I realize I cannot trust anything they said, and I say this with the full knowledge of the irony in place.

Doubtless Ru will find some way to read this and to tell the world why everything in it is false, and why I am to blame for all their misery, compile and curate more screen caps to outline why I am a wretched bastard. I can only tell you that this is what I experienced, that I never once gave anyone orders demanding that they block Ru. I can only say that the fact that an entire group of people chose to block this person is proof enough of their character, and that has nothing to do with me.

I do not wish to have contact with this person. This person ignores that fact and continues to find ways to harass me, from messaging me, sending me “anons” that are not anonymous because I can track IP’s, messaging others with whom I am in contact, and now, tagging me on posts. I have blocked them numerous times. I am within my rights to do so

If that seems bigoted to you…I cannot help that.