running away from my feels

Let me get lost.”

There is a desire that resides deep within her soul to run away. To escape to an unknown future. To wander around eternally, without destination, without home in sight.

It is always there just beneath her skin, humming in her veins, vibrating on her bones, just barely on the back of her mind, always within grasp.

To carve a new path. To start a new adventure, a new life. To change her name, her looks, her identity, and personality. To forget. To go somewhere where no one knows her. To start all over again. To never look back.

To never get back.
—  cynthia go // Escape ( @cynthiatingo )

in better light, everything changes | chapter 14/14

[ao3]

the final chapter is (finally) up! i can’t thank you guys enough for being so patient and supportive, it really means the world to me. an extra special thank you to @theleavesoflorien, @soyellowcurtainsthen and @coldharmonies for reading this over and helping it see the light of day. i have a lot more rambling to do, but i’m going to save it for the end notes on ao3 💛

The Best Thing On The Internet Today - February 20, 2017

In that case here’s a $20. 

It checks out. 

Same. 

I’m running away from my responsibilities and it feels good.  

2

You want to quit all this and run?

One Rule

a/n: I’M FUCKING ALIVE. 

so sorry it took so long, i had like 5 ideas for this, and constantly was changing it, and then college blows and then personal shit too, but finally an imagine that was requested like 5000 years ago. So sorry, I hope you like it.

————————————————

I was beyond excited for spring break. I was ecstatic to be going to the lake with everyone for the week. I really needed this little vacation, and what better way than a week away with my best friends. Sammy had just texted me and told me that they were outside waiting for me, so I finished checking my bags and headed out the door to see my favorite idiots all in the car.

There was G who was driving and Johnson was in the passenger seat. Then there was Emily, Sammy, Skate and Swazz all hanging out the back seat window. I laughed at the sight and managed to squeeze my bags in the trunk and hop in, being squished in the back with all our bags and Swazz.

As soon as everyone was situated, we were headed off to the lake, only a short 7 hour car ride. How bad could it be?

Let me tell you, it was terrible. Johnson and Sammy kept fighting over the aux cord. I had to watch Skate strike out with Emily like the whole ride there, and Swazz was high as hell and could barely comprehend what was going on, although I loved my dopey Swazz. G was mostly quiet, and I would always catch him looking in the rear view mirror at me and smiling.

So, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a thing for G. We have this weird sort of relationship, we’re a little more than best friends, but less than lovers. We would constantly flirt, but that’s as far as it ever went. Playful flirting.

It started when I started to hang out with the guys more. I was closest with Swazz out of all of them. I met him for the first time ever when I was at the gas station in a shady part of town at like 2 in the morning and some perv came up and tried to get me to leave with him. Swazz walked out of the gas station and walked over to me, throwing his arm around my waist and kissing my forehead and saying ‘sorry babe, they were all out of skittles’ and placing a pack of m&m’s in my hand and then looking at the guy, who’s eyes went wide and then resulted in him leaving.

So I thanked Swazz, and we started talking more and more and just really hit it off. I told him how thankful I was for him saving my life and then we just started to hang out after that. And then he introduced me to his friends, quickly hit it off with all of them and then I was in a group message with all of them. But that was like a year ago, and here we are now. I’m just glad Emily was here too. I couldn’t handle all these boys for a week straight, plus she was my best friend.

We finally arrived after a long 8 hour trip, if you count all the stops we made at gas stations. It was beautiful. Very private. There were only like 5 cabins around the lake, so they were spaced out quite a bit. The cabin was huge, but only had 4 rooms, so mostly all of us had to double us.

But we didn’t wanna be like, hey you’re rooming by yourself, so we drew numbers. It was 1-4, but only 1-3 had two sets of numbers.

Johnson picked 4, Swazz and Sammy had 1, Emily and Nate had 2, which left G and I both with the number 3.

“looks like you’re my roomie for the week.” I playfully bumped into him.

“looks like it.” He smiled down at me, throwing his arm around me.

“well, my room is right next yours, so please, I don’t wanna hear you have sex.” Sammy laughed, along with everyone else. I was gonna say something like ‘we’re not’ or ‘it’s not like that’ but Jack spoke before I could.

“hey bud, I make no promises.” Which caused everyone to laugh.

We headed up to our room and it was beautiful. There was a king size bed in the middle of the room, along with a door leading to an outside balcony. There was a tv up on the wall across from the bed, and then two dressers, along with our own private bathroom.

“so, which side of the bed do you want?” G asked as I drug my bags into the room and threw them on the bed.

“uh, I guess I’ll take the right side, if that’s okay. It doesn’t really matter to me though.”

“no that’s fine. I prefer the left side anyway.”

“so what if I said I wanted the left side?” I asked, grabbing some clothes from one of my bags and putting it in a drawer.

“well, looks like I would have been joining you then.” He shot me a wink. He’s literally going to kill me this week I swear.

Jack and I joked around some more as we finished unpacking. When we were finally done it was like 9 at night. And having been so wrapped up in school for the past 3 months, I was exhausted.

“you coming down?” he asked, heading towards the door.

“I’m actually gonna shower and probably get into bed. It’s been a rough past few weeks.”

“alright, I’ll be up soon then I guess, just gonna go grab something to eat and chill with the guys for a bit.”

“okay.” I smiled, and he was gone. I got my shit to shower and quickly made my way into the bathroom. Removing my makeup and conditioning my hair as I shaved, I was out in 20 minutes. I threw on a pair of sweats and a white tank top.

I walked out into the room, crawled in on the right side and turned on the tv. Soon I fell asleep to the sound of Nick Cannon wild-n-out.

———————————————-

I woke up the next morning feeling really groggy. I reached up and rubbed my eyes before everything became clear. I stretched, and heard Jack groan next to me. I turned my head to see that Jack and I were spooning. When we realized our position, we quickly, and awkwardly, separated. I jumped out of the bed and Jack got up as well, clad in nothing but his boxers.

I couldn’t help but look at his chiseled chest, and then my eyes fell to the tent in his boxers. I felt myself rubbing my legs together, trying to get friction, just from looking at him.

“um, I’m sorry.” He said, reaching up and scratching the back of his neck, a nervous habit I’ve noticed he had.

“no it’s uh, it’s okay, you said the left side was yours.” I said, twiddling my thumbs, a nervous habit I had developed.

“no it’s alright. I’d never admit this in front of the guys, but I’m a hardcore cuddler.” He laughed.

“oh? So the boys don’t know?” I asked with a smirk on my face.

“yeah, and don’t you d-“ he started but he cut himself off as I went for the door, chasing after me. I ran out the door of our room and down the hall, but G was behind me by just a few steps.

I heard everyone downstairs, so I was running down the stairs, trying to make my way into the living room so I could tell everyone. I stopped in the living room and called out.

“guys you’ll nev-“ but I was cut off by Jack running and engulfing me in his arms and like tackling me to the floor, as gentle as a tackle could get. He had me pinned down, my hands above my head, as he straddled me basically. I was out of breath though, and laughing trying to tell the guys.

“guys” I laughed out, as Jack started to tickle me.

“don’t you dare” he smiled down at me.

“Jack’s a-“ but he cut me off, but placing his hand over my mouth.

By now, everyone had walked into the living room and was watching us.

“don’t.” he said sternly, looking at me. I nodded my head and Jack got off me and stood up, taking my hand and pulling me up. I smiled innocently and turned to look at everyone.

“Jack loves c-“ but I was cut off by Jack from behind me throwing his hand over my mouth and pulling me into him. Everyone was looking at us like we were crazy.

“what the hell is going on?” Sammy laughed.

“nothing. She was just gonna say Jack loves cookies. Ignore her.” He smiled. “We’ll be back down in a second.” He spoke again, before turning us and walking back to our room. When we got to the top of the stairs he let go of my mouth.

“JACK’S A HARDCORE CUDDLER!” I screamed, and I heard Jack groan as I ran towards the room we were sharing, as he chased after me. And then he tackled me onto our bed. I was laughing like crazy.

We stared at each other, as he hovered over me, holding my hands above my head again. His face was close, and I just really got lost in it. His eyes were glistening, shimmering actually, a nice brown/hazel color. They were mesmerizing. And then his jawline. I watched as it clenched in our close proximity. His jaw line literally gave me life. And then I looked at his lips. God they were perfect. And I wanted nothing more than to know how they would feel to be against mine.

Jack must have thought the same thing cause in a matter of seconds, his lips were on mine. I wanna say it was totally unexpected, but I’ve always wanted to feel his lips on mine, but the fact that it actually happened completely shocked me.

He pulled up and looked at me wide eyed, and I’m sure I mirrored his expression. He stood up and I quickly jumped up off the bed.

“(y/n)” he said, looking at me.

But I freaked. I just ran out the door and down the hall, down the stairs and then out the front door. I couldn’t deal with this right now. See, I’m the type of person who runs away from my problems. And I don’t do feelings very well. I’ll flirt like crazy, but then when something actually happens, like a fucking kiss, I freak out. And then I end up pushing the person away.

I started out walking along the edge of the lake. And then I sat out on the dock, thinking about everything. I mean, would Jack and I even be a bad thing? I mean, he’s nice, and he’s cute, and he’s funny, and he makes me laugh and smile, but like what if he ends up cheating or something. I don’t wanna lose all my friends if we break up or something. Maybe I’m just completely over thinking it all. Jack probably doesn’t even like me. It was probably a ‘in the moment’ thing.

So after 3 hours of sitting out on the dock and thinking about shit, I decided to head back. I could go back and talk to Em about it or something. But when I got up to the house, Emily was gone out with Nate.

I sighed and headed up to my room, only to find Jack on the bed, I sighed and went to turn around and leave.

“(y/n)” his voice was soft.

“Jack.” I sighed, reaching for the door handle to leave. I couldn’t do this.

“no (y/n) listen.” He said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back, flush to his chest.

“Jack let me go.” I said, annoyed, and started wiggling in his grip, but he just grabbed me tighter.

“Jack” I groaned, finally getting out of his grip with a huff and sitting on the bed.

“(y/n) I like you. A lot.”

“okay.” I said.

“is that all you have to say?”

“yeah, can I leave now?” I rolled my eyes.

I always got like this. I always would push the guys away after I got feelings and something happened that would make me more attached. It just always happened.

“no. You can’t tell me you don’t feel anything.” He sighed, defeated tone as he got on the bed next to me.

“Jack.” I said, fiddling with my thumbs.

“look at me and tell me honestly that you don’t feel something for me.”

I stayed silent, fiddling with my hands in my lap. Jack’s hand came and cupped my cheek, making me face him and actually look at him. His eyes sympathetic and hopeful.

“I-I can’t.” I sighed, closing my eyes.

“exactly!” he cheered.

“Jack, I can’t do this. I don’t wanna get hurt. I don’t want our friendship to get messed up. I don’t wanna lose you.” I whined.

“stop (y/n).” he said, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb before talking again. “stop overthinking this. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“you don’t kn-“ but I was cut off by his lips on mine. But instead of like the first time, I kissed him back. It wasn’t what I expected at all. It was so much better than what I thought it’d be.

I soon got lost in the moment, and moved so I was straddling his lap. His hands were down on my butt, and mine on his shoulders. I started grinding on him, which caused him to let out a low groan. Things were getting hot, no doubt.

I reached for the bottom of his shirt and started tugging on it.

“(y/n)” Jack breathed out, pulling back and looking at me.

“what?” I groaned.

“I don’t want just sex. I’m serious. I like you a lot.”

“Jack.” I groaned, rolling off him and plopping on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“no listen.” He kinda chuckled, throwing his arm around me and snuggling up with me. “I’d love nothing more than to fuck you senseless right here and right now. Trust me. I’ve thought about it hundreds of times, but I don’t want this to be just sex. I really do like you a lot. And I know you. You don’t do feelings well, but I’m not gonna let you push me away on this.”

“I do feelings” I whined. “I just don’t like when people are all up in my feelings, and asking about all my personal shit and making it a big deal.”

“then well see how this week goes for us, keep it lowkey? And when we get back I’ll officially take you out on our first real date.”

“fine.” I groaned, rolling my eyes and rolling off his lap, which caused Jack to whine. He pouted and looked at me and then pointed at his lips. I laughed and leaned over and pecked them lightly.

“we should probably get ready for dinner, Emily said she was gonna make something.” Jack said as he had me wrapped up in his arms.

“yeah, probably.” I sighed, getting up and shuffling through my drawers for an outfit. I felt Jacks hands slip around my waist.

“Jack.” I laughed “I have to figure out an outfit.”

“I know, I just like being able to finally hold you in my arms” and then he kissed me “and kiss you.”

“alright cheeseball, let me find an outfit.” I said, prying out of his arms.

I picked out a pair of jean shorts and then found a nice black tank top. I turned and saw Jack in just a tee shirt and a pair of jeans. Jack smiled at me and wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug.

“can we take a picture?” he asked, kissing my forehead.

“sure.”

We took a few pictures and then went down to dinner. Sliding into our spots at the table, sitting next to one another, and Jack played footsie with me the whole night. I couldn’t help but smile sideways at him. He was being so dorky, it was adorable.

———————————————-

It’s been about 4 days at the lake, and we only have about 3 days left. It’s been really relaxing and so great to just spend time with all my friends. Jack and I have also gotten a lot closer, and a lot more like the couples I often see out on the street and out on dates. Ya know, the kind you see and you just wanna punch them for being so lovey.

It was currently like Thursday night, and we were out by the fire, drinking. Em and I were dancing around, already having a slight buzz. We were feeling good, and Jack looked so hot. So I couldn’t help but chug the rest of my drink and make my way over to Jack, who was sitting around the fire talking to Sammy.

I waltzed right over and sat on Jack’s lap, which took him completely by surprise, and Sammy too. I smiled at both of them and then snuggled into Jack, who wrapped his arms around me.

“what’s going on here?” he laughed, high clearly.

“uh-“ Jack started but I cut him off. I turned and placed my lips on his, and pulled back and giggled.

“I like Jack.” I smiled proudly.

Sammy laughed “Swazz, I told you they’d hook up before the trip was over.”

“hey, we haven’t hooked up.” I defended as Swazz joined our conversation.

“Please don’t, cause I’ll owe Sammy $100 if you two do.”

“how do we know you haven’t already?” Sammy asked.

“oh trust me, you’ll know.” Jack laughed, kissing my neck.

The night went on and soon it was 1 in the morning, and I wanted Jack. So Jack and I stumbled up into our room, giggling as he carried me over to the bed, his lips on mine, before stumbling and tripping, us crashing onto the bed.

I was on top of him, and he was laying back, his hands on my ass as we sloppily made out. He slid his hands up to my shirt and started tugging at it. I smiled into the kiss and sat up, peeling my shirt off, leaving me in just my bra and shorts. I had just threw my shirt to the floor when Jack grabbed my hips and flipped us, so we were not laying in the middle of the king size bed and he was over top of me.

It didn’t take long for all our clothes to be shed and he was eating me out. I was a moaning mess. My hands were in his hair, pulling on it, causing him to let out low groans, vibrating my core, which made my back arch and me moan out his name.

“god baby, you’re so hot.” He spoke, his voice raspy.

“Jack please.” I whined. I needed this.

Jack sat up and looked in my eyes and smiled before coming down and kissing my lips. I sighed into the kiss, completely happy with this, and then I felt him teasing me with his tip. I whined, bucking my hips up, begging for more.

“hold on.” He whispered, crawling off me, leaving me all hot and flustered. I watched as he dug around in his suitcase and pulled out a condom, smiling at me as he ripped it open and slid it on. I finally saw his size and I swear I came right there and then.

Jack crawled back on top of me and started kissing my neck as I felt his tip slowly slide in. Both of us moaned as he filled me up, and then when I had adjusted to his size he kissed my lips and started thrusting in and out. Slow at first, but then he picked up his pace. I was moaning and the sound of our skin slapping together started to fill the room.

Jack pulled out, which totally confused me, cause I knew he didn’t cum yet, so I looked at him and he smiled.

“ride me babygirl.”

And in a second I was hovering over him, slowly easing down onto him. We both let out a long moan as the feeling, and soon I was bouncing up and down on Jack. His hands found their way to my ass and then he held me up as he started to slam up into me, the sound of his balls slapping my ass filling the room along with my moans.

“oh god.” I moaned out, throwing my head back.

“fuck.” He groaned “you’re so hot babe, I’m almost there.” He grunted.

“Jack. I-I’m clo-“

“shh, I know baby. Just hold on for me okay?”

He pulled out again and repositioned so we were doggy-style. My face was in the pillows as Jack just slammed into me, causing me to scream out. His hands on my hips to rock them back and forth, to meet his thrusts. Both of us were moaning, the sound of our skin slapping together, and the sound of his dick sliding in and out of my wet folds filled the room, and the headboard slamming against the wall.

“fuck Jack.” I cried out as I came, no warning.

I was shaking as Jack rode out my high but also tried to reach his. A few thrusts later I felt him cum and he let out the hottest moan that I swear could have made me cum again. He rode out his high and then finally pulled out, removing the condom, and getting up to dispose of it in the bathroom. He walked back out and jumped into bed, pulling me into his chest.

“that was great.”

“yeah.” I panted, feeling super tired.

“sweet dreams babygirl.”

—————————–

I woke up the next morning and remembered everything about last night. It was great, but I really did wanna try to wait for that with Jack. But it happened, and I don’t regret it. It was great. I heard Jack groan next to me and I smiled as he pulled me in tighter to him.

“Jack.” I giggled as he started to kiss my bare shoulders.

“babe.” His morning voice, good god.

“breakfast.”

“I wasn’t really expecting that but I mean, if you’re offering.” He started, and then let go of me and laid straight on his back. I turned and looked at him and saw him adjusting himself down there and I laughed.

“I didn’t mean that idiot. I meant like pancakes and waffles breakfast.” I giggled, laying on his chest and kissing his lips.

“oh right, let’s go.”

We got dressed, which took a little longer than expected because someone couldn’t keep his hands to himself. When we finally made it downstairs, I walked a little slower than Jack of course, who couldn’t help but laugh at me.

We finally sat down and started breakfast and it was…awkward. Something was up. Conversations seemed forced and I was worried something was wrong.

But Sammy finally cleared it all up.

“my one fucking rule guys. I didn’t wanna hear you.” And he looked straight at us. Jack sported a proud grin and I blushed so hard I had to look down at my lap as everyone erupted into laughter.

I love my idiot friends.

Fluffy the Tortoise

When I was a little girl, I had a pet tortoise. I named it ‘Fluffy’ because I always wanted a pet named Fluffy (furthermore I had no authority to name pets, my brother always gets to name our cats) 

We had 2 tortoises as a matter of fact. One for me, one for my brother. We kept them in this container and it was kinda high so they can’t flip over. One day, I went to visit Fluffy and it’s buddy but there was only one tortoise in it. I asked my brother, 

“What happened to Fluffy? I can’t see him!”

“Fluffy ran away” he said 

Fluffy is a tortoise so it couldn’t have gotten far. So little me searched high and low for it but to my dismay, it simply vanished. 

So a few days ago, I told this story to my cousin. While I was telling the story, I found myself stopping mid-sentence as a huge wave of realization crashed into me. Fluffy didn’t run away. 

FLUFFY DIED. 

My brother hid the truth from me to protect my feelings. 

It took me 20 years to realize this.

unrelated to discourse hello im having a Very Bad Day if anyone has any nice things or stories to share i would appreciate it a lot rn thanks

aftg characters as michael scott quotes
  • Neil: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
  • Andrew: I have a cause. It is because I hate him.
  • Aaron: I hate so much about the things you chose to be.
  • Kevin: I told them that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous. But there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better.
  • Nicky: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.
  • Dan: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.
  • Matt: I guess the attitude that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.
  • Renee: I have flaws. What are they? I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering.
  • Allison: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
  • Seth: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
  • Wymack: I feel like all my children grew up and married each other. It's every parent's dream.
  • Riko: Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
  • Jean: Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
  • Jeremy: What's more important than quality? Equality.
Aggressive || Joe Sugg Imagine

The feeling of Joe’s hand on my back wasn’t a new feeling. At first, the touches started lightly, a whisper of fingers across the curve of my spine. It was harmless, we were drunk and there were no feelings. But today it felt different. No alcohol had been consumed yet he was still touching me and holding me. The open flirting was making my head spin.

“You’re so beautiful,” He whispers into my ear hand placed on my hip. I blush a deep crimson color.

“Shut up,” I shrug his comment off.

“Why?” He asks cocking his head to the side, “You look so good in my kitchen.” He trails off running his eyes shamelessly up and down my body.

“Stop,” I say looking away from him running my hands over my stomach, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

He strides his way over to me, pinning me up against the cupboard door, “Go on a date with me?” He asks, hoping shining is his blue eyes.

“Why?” I ask biting my lip softly.

“Because we’d make an amazing couple,” He says placing his lips on my neck softly.

“You break it you buy it, Sugg,” I tease.

“Well, I got a bloody good deal then,” He says moving his eyes up to meet mine, “Now can I stop being aggressive and be adorable and flirty now?” He asks.

“Depends on where are we going to go on this date?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” He winks

I tap my chin lightly, “Okay Sugg, let’s date. I don’t like that you’ve taken a page out of Jacks book, though, go back to being funny Joe please.” 

A huge grin crosses Joe’s features, "Wanna’ knows a secret?”

I nod my head, “I’ve liked you since we met, two years ago.”

I smile softly.

alright guys my queue is now empty, content on here from now on is gonna be the following!!

  • stuff i make (themes, fics, graphics, headcanons/meta, photography)
  • resources (coding, writing help, wallpapers, icons, etc.)
  • d.gray-man (graphics, fanart, fics, general content)

it’s gonna be quieter here for the most part (especially since dgm hasn’t updated properly.. in nearly a year.. i cry..) but in particular the next few days while i make a new theme for my blog + clean things up a bit.

if you’re sad the multifandom personal mess on here is gone, you’re more than welcome to ask for my new personal blog (which is where all of that nonsense can now be found) !! i’m gonna be reasonably selective about who follows me over there for the moment, but may be less strict about it in the future depending on how i feel.

i hope you can continue supporting me here, and thank you for being understanding while i try and figure out what the heck i’m doing with myself

I keep having rlly weird dreams that border on like…. nightmares and they happen like rapid fire so I’ll just have one after another all night and I wake up like 8|