ruiningme

I literally have to be up for work in a couple of hours I forced myself to sleep at a decent time. Yet I’ve been woken from the most vile nightmares over and over and I can’t shake the feeling that they’re real. I feel as If something awful has happened to someone I care about and I just can’t move off that feeling. I need to sleep but it’s become a chore and I’m just dreading trying again so much. I just can’t find a pleasant distraction.

Ruining Me
Ruining You
by Nicole Reed

James Stevenson
JT Higgins
Rhye Clark
Kane David

Never underestimate the power of a book to cripple your heart, even if that always comes with the cons of reading. You get your head jacked up from sanity and makes you think of the worst thing that could ever happen because the story promised to be in so much hell. This is truly an inspiration for people fighting a battle of depression who struggles to find ways to let got of the angst and continue to live life. Find reasons to be happy for and allow yourself to be the person you ought to be. It’s always a choice.

This story started with James in a massive depression stage due to an untoward incident that brought out the monster in her, she shut off all the people who cared for her and lived her life without direction. JT, her bestfriend and first boyfriend whom she planned her future with, remained true to his love for her even after two years since the break up. Rhye, one of her hook ups after JT who developed feelings for her and was trying to win her back. And Kane, the matured man who captured her in a heartbeat.

On her journey to fighting everyone that wants to be in her life, she meets the man who made her want life again, Kane. But true love never comes easy, and she has all this baggage that complicates her feelings as much. James has been unfair with her break up with JT, she will always love him and she owes him another chance. She was torn between a love that has become a habit and a new found love. Getting back with JT made things easier, like nothing ever happened for the last years. They were already in perfect harmony when she was framed up by the culprit that exposed her darkest secret. JT was furious and made the worst decision to get back at him, that eventually ended their love story. The tragedy just made James feel worst that she resorted to taking her life that night but it wasn’t her time yet. Surviving from her attempted suicide, she went on stay-in psych therapy to clear her head with all things haunting her. It took her almost 6 months to finally go home and face all the people who never gave up on her.

Being home means dealing with all the shit again. For months that she never said a word or reply to any of Kane’s letters, she was surprised to see him at her house together with her close friends and family. But as her defenses goes, she blocked him and insisted that he must move on, go on dates. Only to be more hurt when he confirmed that he’s indeed going out. Then she would run on Rhye to hang out and momentarily forget about her life, which has always been his role. Rhye’s like a drug for her, a bad habit she wants to get rid off but wouldn’t let go while Kane is her therapy she simply can’t leave without.

Dragging herself up to move on, after finally having been healed by the words of people surrounding her and setting herself free of guilt, she found her way back to Kane’s loving arms. She then realized it’s time justice must be served, after all the sufferings of the people that has been involved on the crime. In the end, everything fell into the right places. Right places.

The cowardliness portrayed by James might consume your better self on most parts of both books, but Kane makes up for all of it. He’s always been the first person who never failed James, accepted for who she is with all the baggage, matured enough to give her space despite the torment he’s to go through, he was always there to understand, never got tired of her emotional stirs and loved her during the time she was out of it.

Alright, i can’t go any worse narrating the story, ever. If you can’t take the vagueness anymore, better get a hold of the books and be prepared to fall in love thrice.

D x

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Note worthies:

“Think of that little boy from kindergarten that told you he was going to marry you one day and always stayed true to that.”

“My feelings are all over the place. Can you be bipolar in love? That’s how I feel. One part of me only loves Kane and the other part has always been JT’s.”

“For once my mind is clear and I now know what I want. No second guessing this time. Someone is going to be hurt, but this life is too short and I’ve wasted too much of it.”

“If he wasn’t here would you have chosen to live for me? Could I have been that for you?”

“Yes, you made me want my future again. The only problem is he was my future first.”

“I have lived with this soul burning pain for too long. Let it eat me from the inside out, making me sick from all the lies and deception. It was my hideous shame and ultimately my sin. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of hurting, but all this was not the reason for this moment as it should have been.”

“I think I feel his kisses on my cheek, but that could be the tears. My heart knows the truth that he is dead and with that thought, I let the darkness overtake me.”

“Why is it, if I wholeheartedly believed in the prince, that I didn’t believe in the villain as well?”

“When you have nothing but time to re-examine your entire life, you see things a little clearer, and right now, all I have is time. Time is now measured from the night when death stole from me, took my battered heart, and left me behind.”

“The path I chose is the one I continue to choose. With every sunrise, those feelings strengthen. My soul is broken into a million pieces, and I find new fragments every day. The deconstruction of me is painful, but there are reasons why I can’t finish what I started.”

“I reflect on how fast everything happened with Kane: the emotions, the feelings, and the relationship. It all happened so fast. Was he another prince that I thought could rescue me from my glass castle? I don’t understand how he still could want to be there for me after everything that happened? After hearing my secrets and my shame, he’s still around. Everything was ripped wide open for everyone to see, and he’s still here. I dumped him and threw him away, but he came back. That’s the main reason I haven’t responded back to him. He deserves better, and he needs to move on.”

“I don’t know a lot of things, Jay, but I do know that God doesn’t punish. Not on this earth anyway. That’s not his style. You are punishing yourself and using God as an excuse to justify it. He doesn’t want you to suffer, but He’ll let you wallow in your own sorrow if that is what you choose to do.”

“Life is, at times, ugly and unfair. That you harbored all that happened to you and then still lost what was most precious, is one of the most tragic tales I have ever known.”

“you have to make peace with your past. Live for those that can’t. The one thing that you already know is that life goes on.”

“It’s not about who left you here. It’s all about who stayed to make sure you lived to love again”

“You know what Heaven feels like? It feels like two-hundred pounds of steel muscle wrapped around you with the most invigorating body smell that invades every sense you have. It is the rhythmic beating of his heart as it sounds in my ear. I grip his back, knowing he is really here. It’s the feeling of being safe, protected, and loved. It is everything I am feeling as I am shrouded securely in his arms. I want to hold on tight and never let go.”

“He came into my life right when I needed a reason to live. Maybe fate brought him there, or maybe it was destiny or random chance. Maybe he was right when he said that our tortured souls recognized one another.”

“How can one heart stand so much pain? Just when I think that I barely survived one heartache, another takes a cheap shot at me.”

“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us.”

“That I want you to care for me the way I care about you. I fell for a damaged girl that had seen the same hell that I had and experienced the depth of loss that many can never understand. We might have been brought together by our pain, but somewhere along the way, it all became about you. I want to live my life showing you the things to live for and the things you can’t live without because I already know that I can’t live without you. I’ve tried, and it sucks.”

“We all have choices to make. Sometimes we make them for ourselves, and sometime we sacrifice for the greater good.”

“It’s crazy when we’re not together how much you stay with me, and how much it hurts me when I’m finally with you. I don’t want to hate you. I don’t know if I even can. You’re under my skin, in my blood, and your pain cemented that.”

“life is not always rainbows and that there will be days of darkness, but if you hold on long enough, the sun will come out.”

“We try to live, beating the enemy the best way we know how, by not letting it get us down and tear us apart. I’m learning, little by little, each day how to live this life. I’m growing into a woman that I like, one that, I hope, is a better daughter, a better friend, and as I look directly at Kane, a better person, because he deserves the best.”

“Put your big girl panties back on, and just do it.”

“I’ve loved you for a while, but I wanted to make sure that you could love yourself first. I needed to know that Jay, because otherwise, we never stood a chance. And I want you, love you, and now you’re mine. Forever,”

“You see, I finally realized that life is what you make it. If you make it hell, then that’s exactly what you will have. Sometimes we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control what we do from that point forward.”