ruined everything for everybody

Everybody* Loves Baldur

We are going to take a DETOUR from Arthurian mythos and Robin “Psychopath In The” Hood stories to explore the bizarre and extravagant lands of Old Norse mythos. Now, I know I say this about lots of different mythos, but, boy oh boy, Norse mythos, wild stuff, you’ll see. Today, we’ll talk about the supposed owner of a gate a lot of people who like classic Western RPGs are familiar with: Baldur.

Now, before even getting into Old Norse mythos, you need to understand something: No one is fully sure what Old Norse mythos is. A lot of scholars are not sure what the hell some characters are supposed to even be, but at least, unlike Irish mythos, we have mostly accurate ways to pronounce their names, so at least we can refer to them by name properly while we wonder what the fuck is going on instead of being stuck at “Dfk… Dufil… Dukfil… THAT DUDE went and asked Medb something”. But the thing is, Norse mythos is mostly preserved in its general gist, since a lot of the writings dealing with the itty gritty details are often damaged so there’s lotsa personal conjecture. 

BUT TODAY YOU MUSTN’T WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT BECAUSE BALDUR’S STORY IS ONE OF THEM WELL PRESERVED ONES, HAHA, PSYCHE, I BET I HAD YER KNICKERS IN A TWISTER. Aaalright, so, Baldur, Baldur’s the god of Light, or maybe Love, possibly Peace, no one is sure because he is never explicitly mentioned as being a “god of this thing”, but it’s mostly assumed he is the God of Light because of something I’ll mention later, and the thing with Baldur is that EVERYONE loves him. Baldur’s super hot and super nice, and he knows it, but he isn’t stuck up about it, he’s honestly the ideal person, Norse people back then would often beg for Baldur’s blessings on their newborn babies so they would be hot and cool like him. Practically everyone likes Baldur. Hell, it gets to such a point that, in another story not entirely relevant to today’s, the giantess Skadi, who is the first recorded person in history and lore to have a raging foot fetish, saw these GORGEOUS toes and immediately assumed “THOSE GOTTA BE BALDUR’S, ONLY BALDUR CAN HAVE FEET THIS GOD DAMN BEAUTIFUL, I AM GONNA SUCK THOSE TOES” and asked for marriage immediately, except, the feet weren’t Baldur’s, they were Njord’s (another god), and Skadi was like “aw fuck” and they got married because Njord happened to be a macrophile and liked his women big, but as with all marriages shotgunned into place by fetishes and a lack of contact, they ended up divorcing. BUT THAT is another story (and a good one, Skadi’s a fun lady). The point is, Baldur is so widely god damn loved that shit like this apparently happened a couple of times. You know you are a Pussy Destroyer when someone gets Schrodinger’s Married because it could possibly be you.

So Baldur was basically living the life, being nice, hot, and beloved, when one day, he starts having bad dreams. In these dreams, Baldur dies. Now, this is the part where you say “uh ok”, and this is the part where I explain “DREAMS WERE ALWAYS PROPHETIC IN NORSE MYTHOS” and now you say “oh”. So yeah, Baldur was going to die. Which made zero sense, because he is a god, and thus, biologically immortal (as in, [Shirou voice] only dies if he’s killed, won’t die of old age), so if he was going to die, it meant that someone was plotting to kill him. So Baldur goes to his daddy, Odin, and he’s crying and holding onto his blanket so Odin gets worried, as any father does, and asks “SON, DID YOU GET A BOO BOO, WHAT IS WRONG”, and Baldur explains he’s been dreaming he’s gonna die, and Frigg (his mother, Odin’s wife, the goddess also known as Frea, not to be confused with Freya) is also really sad because she’s also been dreaming that Baldur’s gonna kick the bucket, and in Norse mythos, when TWO whole people have the same dream, that’s basically something that WILL happen. Also, it makes no sense, because everybody loves Baldur, so who the fuck would want him dead? You know what else makes no sense? That Odin seems to forget his piece of shit son Loki exists. WAU.

So, shit, alright, fuck, we gotta deal with this, pronto, and Powermom is here to help. Frigg gets on her soccer mom van and drives at full speed across the Norse world and makes everything promise that they will not harm nor kill Baldur, ever. Notice I said everyTHING and not everyONE. That’s right, fellas, Frigging Frigg talked to absolutely everything in the world and made them promise to not kill Baldur, which was actually pretty easy, because everyone was like “yeah sure man we love Baldur, why would we harm him in the first place, we just want his autograph and his babies”, because if you are hot and nice, the world is yours. So now the whole world promised to not harm Baldur under any circumstance. The whole world, except the mistletoe, because the mistletoe was too young to make promises, so Frigg didn’t make it swear anything aND YOU NO DOUBT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. It’s like when I tell you “So SIegfried is invulnerable EXCEPT for a leaf shaped spot on his back” or “Achilles is impervious to all damage EXCEPT in his tendon”, old literature was kinda UNCOUTH AND HEAVY on the foreshadowing, as reading mythology will often tell you.

So Baldur is now literally impervious to all forms of damage, because the world promised not to harm him. So what do you do when you are undamageable? Why, you get shit thrown at you for kicks and giggles! The god damn gods, with Baldur also into it, straight developed this hobby of having B-Boy stand in the middle of the hall while everyone threw spears and arrows and axes and rockets and chairs at him just for a laugh and watch as they all missed or failed to injury him in the slightest because, hey, promises are promises. This is the part where I tell you that Humans Have Always Been Humans, even gods, because if we have the opportunity to do something incredibly stupid like lugging javelins at a dude just to see what happens if we know it won’t hurt him, you damn right know we will. So they gods are getting shitfaced and rowdy with this whole Put The Spear On Baldur game they made up, when Loki, using his Robbie Rotten powers to disguise into an old lady, approaches Fregg, who was having a laugh watching at literally everyone throw sharp shit at her invincible son.

“HEY FREGG, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS”

“Oh, you know, the world promised not to harm Baldur, see, so now we are just throwing shit at him, it’s ok”

“Everything promised not to harm him?”

“Well, yeah, everything except the mistletoe, because it’s too young to make promises, but it’ll be alright”

“YES INDEED VERY VERY ALRIGHT”

So Loki fucks off and goes to find a mistletoe, naturally. And this one isn’t for kissing, no sir, because Loki somehow sharpens the mistletoe and makes it into a mistlefoe, and fashions a god damn spear out of the mistlefoe because Fuck You He’s Loki And He Can Do That. Now, we all know a good trickster doesn’t get his own hands dirty, so he’s going around with his mistlefoe spear, looking for someone to Do The Deed, when he finds Hod (also known as Hodur), the blind twin brother of Baldur, crying in a corner. 

“Sup B, why you crying”

“Well, everyone is having fun throwing miscellaneous war paraphernalia at my bro and they won’t let me in ‘cause I’m blind as a bat and they are afraid I might hit someone else”

“How Unreasonable Of Them To Not Let The Blind Dude Throw Killthings! I have just the thing for you! I will lend you my spear, so go have a swing at B-Boy”

“SU-WEET”

So Hod, armed with the Mistlefoe Spear, takes a running start and throws that sucker with a smile on his face, rolls a natural 20, and deals the Criticalest of fucking Hits on Baldur, landing the spear SQUARE on his heart. Why were they even AFRAID of this dude missing, the guy was clearly a marksman. Except, this was the mistletoe, so it pierced Baldur’s gorgeous, well oiled pectorals easily, stabbed his heart, and killed him dead. Oops.

Odin was like “??????” and was SO PISSED that he went, had mega sex with the giantess Rindr, gave birth to Vali as soon as they were done, and Vali grew into adulthood after a single day and then killed Hod. Do you ever get SO ANGRY that you go have sex with a giantess just to spawn a kid that immediately becomes a warrior JUST to kill a dude that pissed you off? Odin, you could’ve just HIT HIM yourself, what the fuck.

Well, anyways, so everyone was pretty sad because Cool Guy Had Bad Day and died. Messengers everywhere we doling out the news, women wept, men cried, it was a bad day. It was such a bad day that Hel, ruler of, uh, Hell, was like “aw shucks that kinda sucks?”, and as much as she liked the guy, Hel had a job to do as the rule of the underworld, but she decided to make an exception this one time, but only if the world earned it. Hel grabbed her megaphone and yelled “ALRIGHT KIDS, so I know you are all very sad Baldur’s dead and you want him back, so I am going to make a ONE TIME EXCEPTION, I will let him out of the underworld and revive, only, and ONLY, if everyone in the world cries and weeps for him”.

And everyone was like pffff no biggie, we love that dude, let’s CRY, so they did. Hel’s doing the checklist, like some sort of twisted Santa Klaus, checking who’s crying, and the list is almost full, but then she burrows her brow and drops the list. “Well, I guess Baldur is not coming back to life, that one girl didn’t cry” and everyone was like “WHAT WHO”

So Hel points at the giantess Thokk, whose name literally means “thanks”, ironically enough, and says “she ain’t crying, deal’s off” and she closes the Underworld, presumably to fangirl out to Baldur who lived there now. So everyone’s naturally like “THOKK WHAT THE FUCK” but then Freddy from Scooby Doo is like “Wait, there’s something fishy about this” and removes her face and, What Do You Know, It Was Loki In Disguise. He went and ruined EVERYTHING for EVERYONE again. And I don’t simply mean “he made sure someone everyone loved died and stayed dead”, I mean “Loki got Baldur killed and kickstarted the Ragnarok” because Baldur’s death robbed the world of light, hence why he’s assumed to be the God of Light.

So uh

Good job buddy.

Also, Loki literally had nothing to gain from this. Ragnarok’s also a really bad deal for him. He just… Did it. Because.

So the real message of the Story of Baldur is that one very dedicated asshole can and will ruin things for everyone and everything if left to his own devices.

What I learned from last Episode
  • The future sucks

  • Rip is a terrible good guy AND a terrible bad guy

  • Mick does NOT want to be everybody’s therapist

  • Carter continues to ruin everything even after his death

  • Ray is adorable (and has an equally adorable twin brother somewhere ????)

  • Leonard Snart has a lot of FEELINGS but he doesn’t want to talk about them

  • Kendra has a lot of feelings and she wants to talk about them 

  • Sara ships Coldwave

  • Leonard probably ships Captain Canary  

  • They are the worst heroes that ever heroed

  • Mick couldn’t kill Len because he looked like the 14 year old punk kid he saved back in juvie and now I’m crying

  • The Time Masters are far better villains than Vandal Savage

I’m sick of thinking about ways to kill myself every single fucking day
I am fucking petrified of loosing the little control I have off my life
I don’t see a way out
I don’t know how to reach out for help anymore. I’ve hurt everybody around me, I’ve ruined them. Everything I love I ruin.
I cannot do this I can’t I can’t I can’t I fucking can’t

9

Epistolary office romance AU (insp.)

When Jemma Simmons receives the outraged email Leo Fitz meant to send one Jake Simons, she’s amused by his pedantic tone and can’t stop herself from writing back. They begin emailing back and forth until they become each other’s best friend, confidant and… maybe more? Their friends think they might be made for each other and need to meet in person, but Fitz wont hear it. It would ruin everything! Jemma’s charming, sociable and popular (everybody in the company loves her!). He’s pathologically shy, self-conscious to the extreme, and has trouble with words– courtesy of a near-death experience.
With a little help from fate (and Daisy) perhaps those two love birds might make it after all?


Aka the third unwritten AU that haunts my dreams.