rude jesus

-slamming fists on table- Just! Because! A person! In! A same! Sex! Relationship! Is! The! Bottom! -breaks table- DOES NOT MEAN THEY HAVE TO BE CUTESY AND HELPLESS


“we can track anything that’s happening in the city.”

I’m so baffled right now.

Someone recently bought something from me and asked how long the item gonna reach their place and if I offer express shipping. I said no and it might take 1-2 weeks to reach their place.

They were shocked and asked where the hell I live. I told them the answer and that they should’ve known that if they check my store FAQ carefully. I ended up getting lectured that my reply was ‘curt’ and that they’re a busy person and have 5 children with a husband working for Disney and I’m just ??????

“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.  If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 {NLT}

Club Penguin Ruined Starter Meme 1/?
  • ❛ Oh ok fat cunt. Don’t have to be rude ❜
  • ❛ According to my calculation’s here…you’re a little bitch ❜
  • ❛ That’s a fucking cloud you dumb piece of cake ❜
  • ❛ also why is the only mad one black ❜
  • ❛ I’ll blow you for a black belt ❜
  • ❛ Ya’ll mother fucker’s need Jesus ❜
  • ❛ Fuck outta here with your retarded puns ❜
  • ❛ you’re being BERRY rude ❜
  • ❛ Jesus fucking Christ that cookie hot as shit ❜
  • ❛ Has anyone seen the booty? ❜
  • ❛ What ever animal had sex with a flamingo! ❜
  • ❛ No…what?…come back here ❜
  • ❛ but that’s none of my business ❜
  • ❛ I’m not the one having a conversation with myself you fucking idiot ❜
  • ❛ Just call it a fucking chair ❜
  • ❛ listen up here you fat blueberry cunt ❜
  • ❛ excuse me sir, that’s not very appropriate ❜
  • ❛ just eat your god dam pizza you munching bitch ❜
  • ❛ I’d like to order some personal space please ❜
  • ❛ I don’t think your old enough to drink ❜
  • ❛ and here we have a wild triggered tumblr user on the attack of a poor defenceless male ❜
  • ❛ one night i slept for 8 hours straight…and then 2 hours gay ❜
  • ❛ excuse me do you serve cocaine here? ❜
  • ❛ How about hbo and no ❜
  • ❛ I’ll blow you for 100 coins ❜
  • ❛ I’m getting ripped bro ❜
  • ❛ you’re gonna brake my bench ya fat tub of lard ❜
  • ❛ ah yes, my meth lab is ready ❜
  • ❛ ah you been pissing in the pool again? ❜
  • ❛ Poof your a little bitch ❜

mary-had-a-lamb  asked:

You tiping attack on titan is all wrong, its impressive. Eren ISFP, Mikasa ISTJ, Armin INFJ, Connie ESFP, Sasha ESFP, Ymir ISTP, Krista ISFJ, Erwin ENTJ, Levi ISTP, Hanji ENTP, Reiner ESTJ, Jean ESTJ, Bertholdt ISFP.

Originally posted by find-a-reaction-gif

Not that I have said that I am reevaluating Attack on Titan or anything. But thanks for setting me straight in such a polite and open manner. 

sugar shot

the thlaise coffee shop au absolutely no one asked for / ao3

They first meet on a Tuesday.

It’s in a fucking coffee shop, which is vaguely disgusting, really, it’s like the universe used a fucking meet cute generator but messed something up along the way, because, quite frankly, Blaise Zabini is an arsehole. Admittedly, he’s an arsehole with melting-chocolate eyes and fantastic cheekbones - which Theo considers a personal affront, really, someone like that doesn’t deserve to look so good - but he’s an arsehole nonetheless, and Theo is completely, utterly, decidedly not into that. Mostly.

Like, he has some self respect. It’s limited, but it’s definitely there.

He thinks.

Keep reading

What shall we do with a drunken sailor?

Okay so, while I was in the shower, I got some ideas of reader taking care of drunk Sam. This story is actually kind of plain and tasteless, I dunno why I even wrote it. Oh well, enjoy.

English is not my first language.

part 2 here

Pairing: Sam Drake x reader

Warnings: none

Your lonely night was proceeding like usual. You were watching a movie on tv, snuggled on the sofa with a blanket when, at the stroke of midnight, you heard someone knocking on the door. What you hadn’t planned was your boyfriend being crazy-drunk, leaning on Victor Sullivan’s shoulder.

“Hate to break it to ya darling but these two fools decided to have a competition. So, here’s your man”

You helped Sam get into the house (but you mostly helped Victor get Sam off of himself)

“Jesus..” you exclaimed after Sam had breathed a hey babe, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and leaning on you. He badly smelled of alcohol.

“Yeah, gotta go take care of that other numbskull who’s passed out in my car. Can’t wait to see Elena’s face…”

“Ugh, bye Sully”

The old man waved while walking towards the car. You struggled closing the door with the additional weight of Sam all over yourself.

“You know you’re in big troubles right?”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Ugh so. I just told my father off on Facebook for saying that if you don't have a 100% awesome time at a restaurant, you don't tip the server. I'm sorry, but I don't wanna screw someone outta eating or being able to pay their bills over something that may even be out of their control. Tip of the iceberg with him. And mom wonders why I don't like being around him smh...🤔👀 ~HN

?? You always??? Tip your server???? Always??? I don’t??? Understand??? Why people???? Don’t???

If your server is straight up rude and all of that, okay, leave a shitty tip, but still leave one? I’d feel terrible if I didn’t tip someone? ~Admin 404


Requested by anonymous: Hii!! Can you write an imagine where you and shawn are married and have a little daughter and like one day some fans and paparazzi harass her or something like that and you and shawn get super can take it on from there. It would be great if you wrote this, thanks!! 


Your life with Shawn had been anything but a fairytale, but when two people loved each other as much as you loved him and he loved you, everything was just fine.

When you two got married, it was different obviously, then just being boyfriend and girlfriend. If you were only dating, it would be much easier to break up with someone if you had a major problem (you and Shawn never did), but this was something you thought about. Since you’re married, you can’t say that you want a divorce because one person didn’t do something that the other wanted.

When you got married, you were husband and wife and you were committed to each other; really, it was no different then when you two were dating, you were just a couple years older, husband and wife, and you now had the last name of Mendes. Not to mention, after you two had been married for a year, you found out you were pregnant and nine months later gave birth to a healthy baby girl: Eleanor Karen Mendes.

There were tiny complications along the way, but you were fine and so was she, and having celebrated her second birthday two days ago, you’d say you were doing very well.

Shawn had to go into the studio last minute, so you sat on the floor with your daughter, playing with her.

The time was currently seven o’clock and you were honestly starving. However, you didn’t know if Shawn would be home in time for dinner if you cooked it now, Well, you decided to just hold off for a bit, just in case Shawn did actually come home earlier than planned.

Your Elle had Shawn’s beautiful brown eyes, perfectly capturing him in her - and now you had two human beings to get lost in their eyes.

Elle took the block she was playing with and stood up, walking over to the kitchen and throwing it hard against a cabinet.

Unfortunately, for the both of you, the block ricocheted against the cabinet and into her face - smacking her so hard you winced.

She fell back, screaming as you rushed to her aid and picked her up.

“Shh you’re okay, Elle.” You say calmly as you rocked your screaming child in your arms, kissing her forehead.

As a teenager, you would watch babies get hurt and their parents would calmly tell them that everything was fine - and you thought that was the weirdest thing. If their child had hurt themselves, then why did they seem so nonchalant?

However, since you’ve had Elle, you were told by the doula that you had, that the parent wasn’t suposed to overreact if they fell and they looked like they were going ot cry because it was apparently scientifically proven that when the parent shows signs of distress, it freaks the child out even more.

You looked at Elle’s cheek and it seemed pretty red, of course it also seemed like the block had gotten her pretty good.

“You’re okay, love. Do you want some ice?” You ask, combing her dark brown hair out of her face as she sniffled.

You felt her small head nod against your shoulder as she balled a piece of your tank top into her small fist tightly. You walk over to the freezer and pull out a small ice pack shaped like a dog, handing it to her. She takes it from your hand and places it against her cheek, her big brown eyes filled with tears.

You place your lips on her forehead and kiss her a couple times, swaying her in your arms in the middle of the kitchen.

The front door opens and you hear some shuffling around the staircase before you watch Shawn walk through the living room and to where you are in the kitchen.

He’s carrying some milk and a few bags of groceries.

“There are my girls!” Shawn smiles brightly, but frowns once he sees the state of his daughter.

“Look, Elle, it’s daddy.” You say to her, tilting your head to look at her.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Shawn asks her, reaching to take her out of your arms. His eyes catch note of the ice pack and his frown becomes even deeper. “What happened to you?”

“She threw a block against the cabinet and it flew back and hit her.” You explain, adjusting your sports bra strap against your neck.

His lips go to her face, peppering it with kisses, making Elle burst into a fit of giggles. Man, her laugh was like the heavens were singing. Or better, Shawn’s singing.

Shawn holds her high above his head, pretending to drop her, and sending her back into the air - her laughs pierce your ears as they turn into laughing screams. Shawn’s also laughing, and you had no idea what the hell you did to be blessed with your family. He then puts her in front of his face.

“Can you give daddy a kiss?” Shawn puckers his lips, making Elle grab at both of his ears. “Kiss, Elle?”

She puts her open mouth on his, making you laugh as Shawn pulls her back and wipes her saliva off of his face. He puts her down as she scampers off to her activity mat in the living room.

“How is my lovely wife tonight?” Shawn asks, walking over to put his arms around you.

You peel your head back to look at him and he ducks down slightly to give you a kiss.

“Mm, you need to shave.” You joke, squeezing his chin as you fel the stubble appearing.

“I’m thinking of growing a mountain man beard.” Shawn laughs, lettting go of you.

You put a finger at him and raise an eyebrow, “do that and I’m divorcing you.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Shawn says as he opens up the fridge to put the milk in. “You want to go somewhere for dinner? I’m craving a burrito.”

You squint at him, “are you pregnant?”

He laughs, shaking his head. “Just want a burrito.”

“Okay, then you get Elle ready and I’ll go put something on that makes me look like I’ve put effort into my outfit.” You say, earning a chuckle from Shawn as you walk up the stairs, Shawn following right behind you with Elle in his arms.

Elle currently sat in a highchair, messing around with some little banana puffs you had brought for her to eat, as well as some actual fruit that you packed before you three left. She watched her dad take a couple enormous bites of his burrito because it was apparently fascinating her for some reason.

“You want a bite, honey?” Shawn teased, leaning his burrito towards her.

You slapped his arm and cleared your throat.

“Don’t tease her, that’s mean.”

“Yum daddy!” Elle squealed suddenly, you shushing her as people gave you rude looks.

Jesus, people sometimes forget that they were a baby at one point as well.

You had shoved your plate away, having already finished your tacos You took a look outside, noticing paprazzi already gathering making you nervous. You would be fine if it was just you and Shawn, but it wasn’t. It was you, Shawn and Elle.

“Babe, we need to go.” You say, causing Shawn to look up from the bite he was taking and gives you a confused look.

You raise your fingers to make camera and Shawn looked out the window, his eyes immediately going to Elle. He took his last bite of the burrito and crumpled up the foil, depositing it on your plate; he rubs his hands together and stands up.

You pick Elle out of the highchair that was provided for her and kiss her cheek as she started to get a little fussy.

“Give me your jacket.” You say, adjusting her on your hip.

Shawn takes his jacket off, understanding what you were saying and putting it on top of Elle, hoping that it would shield her face.

You two didn’t have a problem of having the public know what she looks like, but having a bunch of cameras flash in her face might be extremely traumatic for her.

Shawn runs a hand through his hair, getting a little antsy as well as he was concerned for the safety of your daughter.

“Shawn,” you grab his hand. “Maybe tell them to turn the flash off?”

He nods, exiting the restaurant and a million flashes go off immediately.

“Hey guys, could you maybe turn your flashes off? I’m afraid that it’ll scare my daughter, please.” Shawn says calmly.

There are a couple responses like “yeah, Shawn, of course” and he nods at you to come out.

You fix his jacket around Elle and hold you hand against her head as you walk out, hearing click after click of the cameras.

Shawn puts an arm around your waist as you make your way to your car, the paps following.

A few ask how your meal was and Shawn responds with “their food is killer.”

That didn’t bother you, but what did, was when one of the men came extremely close to Elle’s face and took about ten pictures - the flash going off on every single one - and pushing into you as he tried to get closer.

You stumble forward slightly and guess the jacket slipped from Elle’s face slightly, but she started crying, pissing you off.

“Hey man, what the hell did I say?” Shawn yells at the pap, his face turning serious and his demeanor coming off angry. “There’s a reason why I asked you to not use your flash and you did and now you’ve upset my daughter - exactly what I didn’t want from you. Not to mention you pushed my wife, what the hell was that?”

You arrived at your car, trying to cradle Elle as that must’ve really scared her as she started screaming now.

“Shh, angel.” You say, rocking her.

You continue to listen to Shawn go off on the guy, definitely not helping the situation, but you obviously weren’t going to stop him. What that guy did was not okay and scared the living crap out of your child, not to mention you.

“Seriously, man, what the fuck?” Shawn says, his forehead crease extremely prominent as he held his arms out in question. “That was not okay what you just did - I would probably even call that harrassment.” Shawn raised his voice. “Don’t fucking touch my girls ever again.”

He begins to make his way back to you, as the pap begins to talk to him.

“Man, it’s just my job.”

“Your job is to take pictures.” Shawn yells. “Not to harrass my family, asshole.”

Elle had finally stopped crying as you gave her a bottle of water and once she was done, you capped it back up, strapping her into her seat. You shut the door to Shawn’s jeep, coming up behind him.

“Like I said man, it’s just my job.”

“Like Shawn said,” you spoke angrily, “your job is to not scare the shit out of my two year old daughter.”

“Like I said,” the man repeated. “It’s my job.”

“Yeah, a job you’re going to lose.” Shawn spits, opening the driver’s door and getting into the car, telling you to get in as well.

Nothing was said in the car after you left the restaurant, except for Shawn asking if you were okay.

When you arrived back home, you carried Elle into the house, switching on the living room light - causing her to start crying again.

“Elle, shh, it’s okay.” You try to calm her, getting nowhere and getting frustrated because the pap did this to her.

Her brown eyes had now become red as she had cried about four times today, making you feel sad.

“Do you need anything, babe?” Shawn asks.

You look back at him, shaking your head.

“I’m just going to rock her until she calms down and I’ll put her to sleep, it’s okay.”

Shawn just nods, giving his girl a kiss on the forehead. “Goodnight princess, daddy loves you.”

“Say goodnight daddy.” You say softly, rocking her a little more softly as you think she might be settling down.

Shawn heads upstairs to your bedroom as you stay down in the living room.

It takes about fifteen more minutes of straight crying until she stops and her eyes seem heavy. You carefully carry her upstairs and head into her room, setting her in her crib.

“Goodnight, Elle. Mommy loves you.” You say quietly as you turn off the light and shut the door.

You sigh deply, rubbing the back of your head as you enter your bedroom - Shawn in his proper night attire which consists of his boxer briefs and nothing else, is sat up in bed on his laptop.

You sit on the edge of the bed, taking your shoes and pants off, not really saying much.

“Shawn Mendes goes off on paprazzi after taking photos of his daughter Eleanor.” Shawn says, grumbling.

You stand up to look at him, turning around.

“Shawn, honey, what that man did was not right. You asked them very nicely to not use flash, yet that man got very close to her face and used his flash and pushed me to do it. He was in the wrong, not you.”

“I know, but it pisses me off so much because he did all the shit that I didn’t want them to do and he even pushed you, Y/N. When the hell is that okay?” Shawn asks, getting visibly frustrated and distraught.

You put a small tank on, getting into bed with him.

“It wasn’t, Shawn. Trust me, what you did wasn’t the best but you had a reason to do it.” You tell him, kissing his bare shoulder.

Shawn closes his eyes and rests his temple against your forehead, taking a deep breath.

“You know,” You say after a couple minutes of silence. “You’re really sexy when you’re angry.”

Shawn laughs, leaning over to capture your lips in a hot kiss.

“You are okay, though, right?” He asks, breaking the kiss.

“I’m fine.” You nod.

“Good, I honestly don’t know what I would do if he had actually hurt you in some way.”

“Well, let’s not think about that, because he didn’t.” You reason.

“I love you.” He says softly.

“I love you too.” You respond, kissing him.


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