rubyinthedust

how to have a perfect sunday in november:

wake up late

favorite kind of espresso

sunny drives

red trees

blunt in hand

grape smoke

real fuckin life talks with people twice my age

wisdom pouring in by the bucketful

black and white theory

abercrombie & fitch jeans ripped to shreds

sheer amethyst tank top

translucent black lace bra

wild hair

perfect makeup

avocado-swiss-jalapeno hot dog & loaded potato chips

tollhouse chocolate chip cookies

it’s always sunny in philadelphia

brandy & sparkling apple cider

the hunger is back. and it’s bad this time. dead anguish. dead anguish swinging its way through the sky. impounding my heart, mind, soul. and taking it hostage. it’s almost as if a demon has come to stay. and i need to be exorcised. i woke up this morning with such an intense, voracious appetite for dick. i have been satisfying myself with men candy recently but it’s not enough, it’s never enough. i want more. i want every single cock on the planet. i want to conquer them all. where are these thoughts coming from? this is not me, i say. this is not me, i say. i spent the weekend in sonoma and i had the greatest time. except i felt somewhere else. physically, i was in sonoma. metaphysically, i was lost in some sort of time trap. a sadistic acid trip. i was down the street from someone i used to know and i could feel everything. i could feel all of his movements, all of his thoughts, predict all of his lies. i look at the person sitting in front of me. i go through the wheel of people i’ve ever known in my head. out of everyone, who do i want to see right now? a huge part of me says, “not the man down the street.” yet the soul recognition side of me begs for him, rips his chest apart and pleads and pleads for this soul to come back into my sphere. i don’t understand why. when we experience soul recognition with someone, it is the most beautiful thing a being could ever experience. you see someone for who they really are and you have known each other for as long as time has existed. the downside of it is that soul recognition can make you go insane if you’re not around this person. you find yourself frantically looking for this soul in every human you meet. it’s almost as if i have to ask myself: what are you even looking for anymore? why are you searching for this soul so badly? do you feel whole around this soul? no. do you feel satisfied when you’re in the presence of this soul? yes. why? i don’t know. it is unspeakable. this feeling does not have words. it seems as if the universe has given me plenty of tools to move on. i have taken most of those tools and used them. but no matter how far i travel down this road, he haunts me. he follows me. even when we don’t talk, i run into him on energetic vibrations in the metaphysical world. i catch him and we share a synapse for just a second and then he is gone again. usually when the universe keeps someone in your life, it is for a reason. it has been years and there is no clear reason. hell, there isn’t even a foggy reason. there isn’t even a path to the reason. there is no entrance to the path. just anguish. dead anguish.