rrgifset: animals

Fun Things to do with your pet: Green Bean Test

One of my neighbors had a REALLY FAT golden retriever she adopted, that needed to be put on a diet, but even super-low-cal food wasn’t working, becuase Ella was still hungry and would open the cabinet to eat the whole bag.  Vet suggested that she needed a filler Food so she could feel full without the extra calories, and suggested canned green beans, which are mostly fiber and lean protein.

Ella fucking LOVES green beans.  She does a dance for them if you mention them.  Her ‘sibling’ the police academy washout shepherd, thinks she’s insane.

Even if your pet doesn’t like green beans*, offering them a canned green bean is inevitably HILARIOUS becuase they’ll either be thrilled or otherwise make strange faces.  Results so far:

Ella (golden retriever): Overjoyed.  gets up on her hind legs to dance without prompting.

Sampson (Black shepherd): Offended, yells until you give him REAL treats.

Cody (Gentleman shepherd): is concerned, becuase this is Obviously Not Food.  Gently takes it to be polite, leaves it out in the yard.

Minx (Domestic Shorthair cat): Smelly Toy Is Hilarious, batted under the couch.

Tiger (Really Fat Domestic Shorthair cat):  Total disgust, hissing and sulking in the Prosciutto box.  Came out and ate it later anyway.

Wanda (corn snake) we didn’t expect her to be interested but she spent like three minutes licking it.

Sadie AKA Marquis De Sade (Hyacinth Macaw)  ignored bean in favor of dumping can on the floor, sticking head in can and screaming.  Did not attempt to bite, which is Very Nice for her.

Arwen (Australian Kelpie): ate bean, waited until humans were out of the room to consume rest of the can, got costco-sized can stuck on face and pooped green for three days.  Regets nothing.

Empanada/Anderson Cooper/#3 (Plymouth Hens): Excited screaming, kickboxing tournament over possession of beans/can.  #3 was ultimately victorious, becuase She is Fattest.

Big Angus (scottish highland cow, I know, ironic): very polite and delicate acceptance of beans for appx 1700 lbs of beef, will now run full-tilt across pasture to meet me, which scared the crap out of me tbh.

Will post further updates as I am allowed to try.  

*Please always cionsult a vet before making any dietary changes or offering your pet new foods, but green beans are pretty safe for most pets you can keep in America

Architect of the Capitol is an overly epic title for the glorified maintenance crew that keeps the U.S. Capitol Building, along with its reflecting pools and grounds, looking pretty for tourists and to provide a gorgeous backdrop for discrete meetings between movie characters embroiled in sprawling government conspiracies. They noticed there was a family of ducks having trouble getting into one of the reflecting pools, so they built a ramp that let the mother and her ducklings easily get in and out of the water.

The ramps were built in collaboration with a nonprofit wildlife rehabilitation organization, so it’s not like they were a multi-billion-dollar boondoggle of a government project. The stoner kid who slept through your seventh-grade shop class could churn out that same B-quality work (but his would also be a functioning pipe, so there’s that). The whole thing was probably $20 and a five-minute Kool-Aid break. Who could possibly have a problem with it? 

Accepting that challenge was The Man, who stepped in swinging his modest dick that he tells himself is so unfathomably large the human mind cannot comprehend it. The dick attached to the dick was Representative Mark Walker from North Carolina’s 6th Congressional district. Walker was presumably strolling along the Capitol grounds, taking in the beauty crafted by the Architect of the Capitol, hating everything he saw with the fury of 10,000 suns. When he saw the duck ramp, his bowels evacuated with such force that he rocketed 12 feet into the air and his eyes exploded out of his skull while “America The Beautiful” played in stereo out of his nipples. When he landed, pants torn asunder, still smoldering with rage feces, he tweeted a picture of the duck ramp, adding, “If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste.”

The only good thing to happen in D.C. in months had been politicized by a guy whose misplaced sense of morality would make him the perfect villain for a 1990s children’s movie called Duck Ramp, starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas because Macaulay Culkin was busy.

When Politics Can’t Stop The Good Guys From Winning

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Portrait of a sleeping cub by Tambako The Jaguar
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