roulette system of a down

  • I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
      I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
      Around you ”
Writing Prompt #41: Roulette

Hi! This was requested by this Anon#41 “Sometimes I just can’t control myself when around you” (Morgan x Reader). In my head, this is a continuation of Concussion?

Also, I got the idea for this fic from a song. I deeply encourage you to listen to it before/while you read to have a better idea of what I was trying to accomplish here: Roulette, by System of a Down. Anyway, enough rambling! Enjoy! :)

You definitely wanted to kill Derek this time! Thanks to his stupid stubbornness, he had put himself on the line of fire… to protect you. How? Why? You had sworn he was on the other side of the restaurant open parking lot when the shooting started. How had he got to you that fast? And why did he feel the need to protect you like that?

Now, you were pacing the waiting room just outside the surgery ward of the local hospital, hoping the doctors would be able to extract the bullet out of the side of his abdomen, where the Kevlar didn’t quite cover him. You had been the first one there since you had pretty much jumped inside the ambulance, despite the paramedics saying it would be too crowded.

You didn’t care. You would have strapped yourself to the roof of the vehicle so long as you were near him in that moment. He needed you. Or was it the other way around?

You started reminiscing the moment you were alone in the room, even though it felt like the memories were making your heart ache more than it already was. It was the only way to pass the time without drowning in your own tears. So, your brain conjured up images for you to find some sort of solace in.

You remembered the case that first made you think of Derek as more than just a friend. There was something about going undercover with one of your best friends while pretending to be a couple and then getting kidnapped because of it that just changed the whole dynamic of the relationship.

Then, came all of the friendly dinners at his or your place. It didn’t matter whether you cooked something together or ordered take-out, it always ended with the both of you on the couch talking until the wee hours of the morning. He made you feel safe, which was your only justification for when you woke up with your legs tangled up with his once and his strong arms around your torso, protecting you from rolling off the couch.

The feeling of safety never came, however, when you two went out for dinners or movies. Those nights usually ended with you feeling painfully aware of the way women stared and desired him; it would stir something inside of you that left you feeling even worse about the whole situation. To top it all, since Derek would put his arm around your waist, the women around the restaurant or theatre would also give you angry looks. Little did you know, Derek did that so as to keep men from staring at you, too.

Whenever you came home after any of those nights with him, you felt the same conflicting thoughts you had the night of the case: was the relationship taking a new turn or were you just confused?

Derek treated you with the utmost of respects and made you feel good about yourself, not only physically thanks to his comments and compliments, but also about your skills at work. He would always go out of his way to instil confidence in you. So why hadn’t he trusted you to do well this time around? Why did he think that putting himself in danger was better than giving you some time to try and work out a plan?

You were so preoccupied about the reasoning behind his actions, you didn’t notice JJ and Spencer coming into the room. The images flooding your mind also prevented you from realising that you were destroying your nails, until JJ pointed it out.

‘Honey, if you keep biting your nails like that, you’re gonna draw blood,’ JJ warned you while she grabbed your hands. She pulled you out of your thoughts and when your wild eyes landed on her beautiful blue ones, filled with concern for her colleague and friend, you threw your arms around her neck and started crying your heart out.

Once your sobs subsided a bit, she sat you down and went out of the room to get you some tea, even though you said you didn’t want anything. You sat there in silence, a few tears still falling from your eyes, as Spencer paced like you had done before.

‘I don’t understand,’ he said, his voice rough with emotion. His eyes moved rapidly, like when he was trying to figure out something related to a case. ‘One second, he was next to me, taking cover behind a dumpster, and then, the next thing I know, you are crying out for an ambulance as you are trying to stop the bleeding!’

The genius was as stumped as you were, apparently. You were trying to find your voice again to answer him when JJ came into the room, followed by Rossi and Hotch.

‘Any news yet?’ Rossi asked, his gaze going from Spencer’s figure to your puffy eyes. You shook your head, and the tears came back full force.

‘I’m going to go ask someone in the nurse’s office to see if they can tell me anything,’ Hotch announced, needing to do something to keep him occupied.

‘I’m going to call Garcia. She must be going crazy in her office,’ Rossi said the minute your boss went out of the room.

Garcia! In your frenzy to get Derek help, the thought of calling her hadn’t even crossed your mind. You were not going to hear the end of it when you got back to the office.

Hours passed without any news, and everyone was getting restless. Hotch had offered to stay while the rest of you went to get some sleep at the hotel, but you all refused, relying on tea and coffee to keep you somewhat awake.

You were finally dozing off on your chair, your head resting on Rossi’s shoulder to your left, when the doctor finally came into the room.

‘Hello, I’m Dr Graham. I assume you’re agent Morgan’s colleagues,’ he said, his voice showing how exhausted he probably was, too.

‘Yes, I’m SSA Hotchner, his boss. How is he?’ Hotch said, getting up.

You didn’t get up; you didn’t have any strength left in you. You felt time slow down while you waited for the doctor’s reply and then Spencer, who was sitting on the chair to your right, grabbed your hand tightly in his, clearly anxious for what you were about to hear.

‘He’s great, actually,’ relief washed over the entire team, as you took a long breath, trying to calm your racing heart. ‘The surgery went smoothly. The good news is that the bullet didn’t get stuck in his intestines, which is what we had originally thought from the X-rays, and so we were able to get it out no problem. He’s asleep now, so I suggest you come back later today at 8 when visiting hours are open again. He’ll be out of the anaesthesia and awake by then.’

‘Thank you so much, doctor,’ Hotch said and shook Graham’s hand, before the man exited the room. Hotch then turned around. ‘You heard him. Let’s go back to the hotel and get some sleep. We’ll be back here first thing in the morning.’

And he kept his promise. While the rest of the team headed down to the police station to deal with the UnSub that had caused all of this chaos in the first place, you and Hotch were waiting to be allowed into Derek’s room. The nurse came out and let you in, saying that the doctor will be around shortly.

Hotch waited outside for the doctor to ask him a few questions while you stepped into the still darkened room and softly moved to Derek’s right side to sit down on the chair placed next to his bed. He slowly moved his head towards the source of the noise and opened one of his eyes.

‘Hey, momma,’ he croaked and tried to smile at you. It was a little strained, but the sentiment was there.

‘Hey,’ your voice wobbled, and you were unable to control your emotions around him anymore, especially with him lying on a hospital bed.

‘No, no crying! Come on!’ he said, which caused him to cough a little. You gave him water from the cup sitting on the bedside table. Once he’d swallowed the liquid, he grabbed your hand and continued, ‘I’m so glad you’re okay.’

You had no time to reply because the doctor came in, checked on him and gave him enough painkillers to doze a bull. So, you decided to come back the next day when he didn’t need to be under the effects of such strong drugs.

The following day, you walked into his room while Spencer was there. You two had stayed behind, since you didn’t have any families to get back to, and would travel with Derek on the team’s jet, while everyone else had to fly home on a regular plane. Thankfully, the flight was only a couple of hours long.

You must’ve interrupted something because Spencer had a frown on his face that could’ve rivalled Hotch’s if he had been there. When you knocked on the open door, he excused himself saying he needed a cup of coffee and left abruptly, leaving a sighing Derek behind.

‘Hi, what happened? Did I interrupt something?’ you asked, concerned. The two friends didn’t usually fight, unless you counted a few of their prank wars that got out of hand.

‘No, he’ll come around eventually,’ he sighed one last time and turned his gaze from the door to you. You couldn’t help but smile at him. Despite the situation, he seemed a lot more energetic than the day before.

‘Has the doctor checked on you today?’

‘Yes, he said that, if everything is okay, I will probably be able to fly home tomorrow afternoon with you guys,’ his big smile showed you just how happy he was to be going home.

‘I’m going to your house and staying with you until you heal. I hope you know that,’ you said, pointing a finger at him as you sat down on the chair Spencer had been sitting on a few minutes ago.

‘Yes, ma’am, I know. And I hope you know that Garcia will be there, too,’ he laughed.

‘Oh, I know. I called her this morning and we’ve already arranged everything. She’s most definitely in your apartment cleaning right now.’

‘What? How? She doesn’t even have a key,’ he said, confused.

‘But she does have a key to my place…,’ you trailed off.

‘And you have a key to mine,’ he sighed again, figuring out the rest.

The conversation went on for a while, until you inevitably ran out of things to say since the only thought going through your head was about him stepping in front of you during the shooting. Once the nurse assigned to check on his vitals came and went, you decided to ask him what had been plaguing your mind since that night.

‘Derek,’ he hummed to let you know he was listening. He had closed his eyes a few minutes ago. ‘Why?’ you grabbed his hand as you said it.

‘What are you talking about, (Y/n)?’ he knew what you meant and was trying to avoid the subject, which made you slightly angry.

‘Why did you step in front of me? You could’ve been killed,’ your voice was tight, showing how worried he’d made you.

‘Do you really need to ask me that? Fine. I did it because the guy was shooting directly towards you! You and JJ were being targeted, and I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I hadn’t done something,’ he explained as he squeezed your hand, despite his sharp tone.

‘Still! You could’ve done something different instead of putting yourself in front of me! What if the bullet had penetrated your intestines? What if he had shot you anywhere else?’ He was silent as you got up and started pacing in front of his bed, his eyes never leaving your body. ‘Do you think I would’ve forgiven myself if you had got killed?’

‘What do you want me to say, (Y/n)? That I’m sorry? Because I’m not, and you know damn well I don’t like lying, especially to you,’ his jaw was set, but you couldn’t let it go just yet.

‘What was going through your head when you ran across the parking lot to get to us?’ you had stopped moving and were standing at the end of his bed.



‘That! All I could think was that I needed to get to you and that I needed to do something to get you out of there. But…,’ he didn’t know how to word his next sentence.

‘You can tell me anything, Derek. That has always been the way our relationship works. Complete honesty,’ you had moved and sat down on the chair next to the bed again.

‘Yeah. Yeah, I know,’ he smiled briefly at you and for a minute he got lost in your eyes. He cleared his throat before speaking again. ‘As I was saying, I just knew that if I didn’t run towards you, you were going to get hurt. I could feel in my gut, you know? And I-I couldn’t let that happen. I don’t know why, but… sometimes I just can’t control myself when I’m around you.’

That statement made your heart race, in the did-he-really-just-say-that kind of way.

‘I’m… sorry?’

‘It’s true! Ever since I met you, (Y/n), you… Whenever I see you, you just take over my thoughts completely, like that,’ he snapped his fingers to emphasise his point. ‘The other night, the possibility of you somehow getting hurt clouded my mind and my judgement was definitely poor,’ his eyes were earnest, and your throat got suddenly very, very dry. ‘Look, I’m sorry that I made you and the rest of the team worried, but, as I said, I won’t apologise for what I did. And I would do it again a hundred times because, as long as you’re safe, I don’t care what happens to me.’

After a second of processing what he’d said, you decided to speak:

‘Well, you’d better start caring because I won’t have you do this again, okay?’ you were surprised with how many tears your body was able to produce in these past few days.

‘Alright, I’ll promise I won’t, if you also promise not to put yourself in harm’s way again like that.’

‘Derek, with our job? Are you serious?’ you asked him, not quite believing what he was saying.

‘It’s basically the same thing you’re asking me, so it’s only fair,’ he smiled, but the worry in his eyes didn’t disappear entirely.

‘Then, I promise,’ you said, wiping the few tears that had fallen from your eyes.

‘Good. I promise, too,’ he told you as he opened his arms to give you a hug.

Despite the tubes and his still healing wound, you hugged him as tightly as you dared to. When you pulled away and looked him straight in the eye, your heart jumped and then he kissed you on the forehead like he had done that fateful night after the kidnapping. This time around, though, you knew exactly what your accelerated heartbeat meant and you made a decision to tell him how you truly felt when you got the chance.

But, he beat you to it:

‘How about dinner when I get back on my feet? You know, just the two of us?’ his smile was almost back to normal, you noticed.

‘Derek, we always have dinner together,’ you pointed out with a confused expression adorning your features.

‘Yeah, but how about we dress up and call it a date this time?’ even though he was smiling, his eyes showed how worried he was that he might have screwed everything up.

‘I’d love to,’ you replied, immediately.

‘Well, at least something good came out of all of this,’ you heard Spencer’s voice say from the door.

‘What? Us dating? Why, thank you, pretty boy,’ Derek chuckled.

‘Nope. JJ now owes me twenty bucks. She thought (Y/n) was going to be the one to ask you out,’ his smug grin made you laugh for the first time in a couple of days.

Go to my masterlist to read other stories I’ve written

System Of A Down

System of a Down- Roulette

I have a problem that I cannot explain,
I have no reason why it should have been so plain,
Have no questions but I sure have excuse,
I lack the reason why I should be so confused,

I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
Around you,

Left a message but it ain’t a bit of use,
I have some pictures, the wild might be the deuce,
Today you saw, you saw me, you explained,
Playing the show and running down the plane,

I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I, I know, how I feel when I’m around you,
I don’t know, how I feel when I’m around you,
Around you, Around you, Around you…

Roulette, a Root/Shaw fanmix (from meeting each other to saying goodbye) - Listen

01. Touch and Go - Would You \ 02. Katrina Parker - Bad Things \ 03. Archive - Bridge Scene \ 04. The Neighbourhood - A Little Death \ 05. System of a Down - Roulette \ 06. Emilie Simon - Wicked Game \ 07. Ben Howard - Oats In The Water \ 08. Hollywood Studio Symphony - I Left Her Alone

  1. Avenged Sevenfold-Almost Easy [x] I feel insane every single time I’m asked to compromise, cause I’m afraid and stuck in my ways and that’s the way it stays.
  2. Avenged Sevenfold-Bat Country [x] I’ll make a beast out of myself, gets rid of all the pain of being a man.
  3. System Of A Down-Sugar [x] I play Russian roulette everyday, aman’s sport, With a bullet called life, yeah mama called life.
  4. Slipknot-My Plague [x]I’m just a bastard, but at least I admit it 
    At least I admit it.
  5. Slipknot-Snap [x] It doesn’t matter what price,you win,blood,sweat,and bastard size stare into the killer in your eyes!
  6. Korn-Freak on a leash [x] Feeling like a freak on a leash.Feeling like I have no release. 
  7. Korn-Right Now [x] Why’s everything so tame?
    I Like my life insane I’m fabricating and debating who I’m gonna kick around
  8. Korn-Clown [x]I don’t run around trying to be what’s not within me.Look into my eyes, I am free you’re just a wannabe.
  9.  Metallica-Frantic [x] Do I have the strength to know how I’ll go?Can I find it inside to deal with what I shouldn’t know?
  10. Metallica-Ain’t my bitch [x] It ain’t my fall,It ain’t my call,It ain’t my bitch
  11. Megadeth-Sweating Bullets [x] Feeling claustrophobic
    Like the walls are closing in blood stains on my hands and
    I don’t know where I’ve been.
  12. Pantera-Walk [x] Are you talking to me?No way punk
  13. Marilyn Manson-No Reflection [x] This’ll hurt you worse than me.I’m weak, seven days a week.Don’t run from me. I won'tBother counting one, two, three…