roughly the size of a barge

Tamlin and Lucien after receiving Feyre's letter.

Tamlin : Who does she think she is?
That girl has tangled with the wrong man!

Lucien : Darn right.

Tamlin : No one says “no” to Tamlin!
Dismissed! Rejected!
Publicly humiliated!
Why, it’s more than I can bear.

Lucien : More wine?

Tamlin : What for? Nothing helps.
I’m disgraced.


Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Tamlin
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry guy here’d love to be you, Tamlin
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man in court as admired as you
You’re ev'ryone’s favorite guy
Ev'ryone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s slick as Tamlin
No one’s quick as Tamlin
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Tamlins’s
For there’s no man in Prythian half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, dick or Stanley
And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one’s been like Tamlin
A High Lord like Tamlin


No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Tamlin

Tamlin : As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!

Lucien and the whole spring court :

My what a guy, that Tamlin!
Give five “hurrahs!” Give twelve “hip-hips!”

Tamlin is the best
And the rest is all drips

No one fights like Tamlin
Douses lights like Tamlin

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Tamlin!

Ianthe : For there’s no one as burly and brawny


Tamlin : As you see I’ve got biceps to spare

Lucien : Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny

Tamlin : That’s right!
And ev'ry last inch of me’s covered with hair

Spring Court :

No one hits like Tamlin
Matches wits like Tamlin

Lucien : In a spitting match nobody spits like Tamlin

Tamlin : I’m especially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!

Spring court : Ten points for Tamlin!

Tamlin : When I was a lad
I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown
I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!

Spring court : Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Tamlin!
No one scratches like Tamlin
Makes those claws like Tamlin

Lucien : Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Tamlin


Tamlin : I use wings in all of my decorating!

Spring Court : My what a guy, Tamlin!!

4

OK OK OK, BUT HEAR ME OUT

I know beauty and the best is old news for you guys but it just came out a few days ago here in Japan so PLEASE CONSIDER: Voltron AU where Lance is Belle, Keith is Beast, and Lotor is Gaston. I feel like Pidge would have to be Chip lol and Lefou would maybe be Varkon???? Coran for Lumiere, Hunk for Cogsworth. Allura for Mrs. Potts, mall cow as the horse, Hagar as the enchantress… what’s left for Shiro? The dad? The wardrobe?? Lol. He’d be cute as the priest who likes to read. Or he could just be like… all the villagers lol. All of them. 

…BEAUTY AND THE KEITH LOL

SONG LYRICS:

Keep reading

shit that happens in the italian BatB dub

- belle straight up sneering at the village by singing “it’s from the day me and my dad first arrived / that we thought / ‘this village is SO provincial’ ” like damn belle
- “how is your family?” “how is your wife?” is always translated in a cringe worthy way. So those two lines never really make any sense for the italians
- in “belle’ ppl sing "it seems like she has no virtue” LIKE CALM DOWN VILLAGERS roasting belle like… wow
- “lefou” is called “letont” which translates to “ledumb” and its honestly so cute
- “she is a girl who never has any friend / you are so alone mademoiselle” aka villagers roasting belle again
- ALL OF “GASTON”
- ITALIAN LEFOU IS SO MUCH SWEETER YOU CANT UNDERSTAND
- lefou straight up declares that gaston is “his hero”, “the man he cares the most about in the world” and “the perfect man”
- “so im roughly the size of a barge” in italian becomes “and i will lift even tWO OF YOU IF I WANNA”
- lumiere cant stop singing in fuckin french during “be our guest”
- like he keeps singing in french
- stop it lumiere
- how are the kids supposed to sing along lumiere
- cogsworth is called “tokins” because it’s easier to pronounce + it resembles the tick tock of clocks
- “be our guest” is called “do stay with us” …. they are basically begging her to stay because they …. are lonely….. dont touch me
- the amount of times the villagers shout “it will die” in 'the mob song’ is alarming. I was scared honestly

Replacing “Gaston” with “Pennywise”

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Pennywise

Looking so down in the dumps

Ev'ry kid here fears you, Pennywise

Even when taking your lumps

There’s no clown in town as scary as you

You’re ev'ryone’s least favorite guy

Ev'ryone’s scared and frightened by you

And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s slick as Pennywise

No one’s quick as Pennywise

No one’s appetite’s as incredibly weird as Pennywise’s

For there’s no clown in town half as manly

Perfect, a true nightmare

You can ask any Bill, Bev or Stanley

And they’ll tell you whose plate they prefer to be on

No one’s been like Pennywise

A king pin like Pennywise

No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Pennywise

No one scares like Pennywise

Douses dead lights like Pennywise

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Pennywise!


When I was a lad I ate four dozen kids

Ev'ry morning to help me get large

And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen kids

So I’m roughly the size of a barge!

Originally posted by pussywagon291

NaNoWriMo Tips

1. Establish a routine
2. Write down ideas
3. Eat five dozen eggs
4. Become roughly the size of a barge
5. Kill the Beast

Nooo oooone writes like Gaston
makes deadlines like Gaston
writes such needlessly complex outlines like Gaston.

AU where bitty is on the lacrosse team and manages to keep the lax bros out of smh’s hair long enough that the boys start to get suspicious

word count: 2252

edit: part 2 here


Bitty has never been the biggest fan of confrontation. On the contrary, he spends a great deal of time avoiding most conflict these days. Even on the field, confrontation is Bitty’s mortal enemy, a fact proven by the way he freezes up and nearly passes out every time someone threatens to check him.

There is one place Bitty accepts (if not exactly welcomes) confrontation, though, and that’s in the safety of the lax house. Or, more often, the safety of the front lawn of the lax house when the pesky hockey team across the street starts trouble. Realistically, he knows his own team contributes to some of the bickering and fighting that goes on on that lawn, but more often than not it’s the hockey team who barges over uninvited to complain about this or that.

Keep reading

Kylo Ren Version of Gaston’s Song

So I read that Adam Driver eats six eggs a day.

 It reminded me of Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. Then I got carried away and adapted Gaston’s song. (I imagine that maybe Le Fou is Matt the Radar Technician in this song, even though they are the same people.)

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Kylo
Looking so down in the dumps


Every storm trooper’d love to be you, Kylo
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man on base as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite guy
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why



No one’s slick as Kylo
No one’s quick as Kylo
No one’s hair’s as incredibly thick as Kylo
For there’s no man on base half as gorgeous
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any First Order Officer
And they’ll tell you whose team they’ll always be on

No one’s sinned like Kylo
A Knight of Ren like Kylo
No one’s got a huge nose on his face like Kylo
As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating


My, what a guy, that Kylo!

Give five “hurrahs!”
Give twelve “hip-hips!”
Kylo is the best 
And the rest is all drips

No one fights like Kylo
Is a knight like Kylo
In a light saber match nobody smites like Kylo
For there’s no one as burly and brawny
As you see, I’ve got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny
And Kylo Ren has got an eight pack I swear!


No one hits like Kylo
Has big fits like Kylo
With a force choke, nobody constricts like Kylo
I’m especially hot and intoxicating
Ten points for Kylo!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large


And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge

No one’s aloof like Kylo
Is a recluse like Kylo
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Kylo
I use Darth Vader in all of my decorating


My, what a guy
Kylo!

T A K E T H I S A B O M I N A T I O N

(This is rushed, sorry)

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Dreamston.
Looking so down in the dumps.
Every guy here’d love to be you, Dreamston!
Even though your mom’s a stump.

There’s no man in town as admired as you,
You’re everyone’s favorite guy!
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you
Even though you do nothing but lie!

No one’s slick as Dreamston
No one’s quick as Dreamston
No one’s friends are all after his Dick  Dreamston

For there’s no man in town half as creepy!
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Fuckley!
And they’ll tell you whose shit they prefer to fuck up!

No one’s been like Dreamston!
Been a fucking pig like Dreamston!
No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Dreamston!

As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!

My what a guy, that Asston!
Give five “fuck offs!”
Give twelve “hip-hips!”
Dreamston is the best
And the rest is all drips ( ͡°ω ͡°)

No one fights like Dreamston
Has no rights like Dreamston
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Dreamston!

For there’s no one as scraggly and scrawny!
As you see I’ve got biceps to spare!
Not a bit of him’s burly or brawny!
That’s right! (Wait-)
And every last person wants to fuck me!

NOOO OONNEEE hits like Dreamston
Matches shits like Dreamston
In a spitting match nobody spits like Dreamston!
I’m espcially good at doing nothing!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!
Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Dreamston!

No one shoots like Dreamston
Makes those beauts like Dreamston
Then goes fucking around wearing boots like Dreamston

I use antlers in all of my decorating!
My what a guy,
Dreamston

submitted by @thesmallsoul

(WHEEZE)

So my sister, who is a vegetarian, texted the sibling group chat saying she’d bought 4 dozen eggs in preparation for Passover so I of course responded with “and I’m roughly the size of a barge” and now I bring you pesachdik Gaston:

No one cleans like Gaston
Won’t eat beans like Gaston
Commemorates hardship with greens like Gaston

Gaston but about Jason Todd

[ROY]
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Jason
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here’d love to be you, Jason!
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man in town as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite bat-guy
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s slick as Jason
No one’s quick as Jason
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Jason
For there’s no bat in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!

[ROY/MEN]
You can ask any Tim, Dick, or Batsy
And they’ll tell you whose team they’d prefer to be on

Who shoots darts like Jason?
Who breaks hearts like Jason?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like Jason?

And they’ll tell you whose team they’d prefer to be on

[JASON]
As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!

[ALL]
My, what a guy, that Jason!

[JASON]
I needed encouragement
Thank you, Roy!

[ROY]
Well, there’s no one as easy to bolster as you!
-hugs too log-
Too much?

[JASON]
…Yep

[ALL]
No one fights like Jason
Douses lights like Jason

[Roy]
In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Jason

[JASON]
On patrol, I sneak up with my pistols
And mobs of Gotham say a prayer
First, I carefully aim with a missile
Then I shoot from behind

[ROY]
Is that fair?

[JASON]
I don’t care

[ALL]
No one hits like Jason
Matches wits like Jason

[ROY]
In a spitting match, nobody spits like Jason

[JASON]
I’m especially good at expectorating!

[spits]

[ALL]
Ten points for Jason!

[JASON]
When I was a lad, I punched four dozen heads
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown, I punch five dozen heads
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!

[ROY/MEN]
Who has brains like Jason?
Entertains like Jason?

[JASON]
Who can make up these endless refrains like Jason?
I use weapons in all of my decorating

[ALL]
Say it again
Who’s a man among men?
Who’s the super success?
Don’t you know? Can’t you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
There’s just one guy in town
Who’s got all of it down…

[ROY]
And his name’s J-A-Y…
J-A-Y-S

[JASON]
Dude, it’s J-A-S-O-N. You know this.

[ALL]
Jason!

Late night texts

Requirements for a man: •must be quick
•slick
•neck must be incredibly thick
•must be manliest in town
•a perfect and pure paragon
•plays darts
•breaks hearts
•is, as a specimen, intimidating
•fights
•douses lights
•bites in a wrestling match
•sneaks up with a quiver
•aims for the liver
•shoots from behind
•hits
•matches wits
•spits
•is especially good at expectorating
•eats 5 dozen eggs
•is roughly the size of a barge.
•has brains
•entertains
•uses antlers in decorating
•is a man among men
•a super success
•is the only guy in town with all of it down