roughly the size of a barge

Tamlin and Lucien after receiving Feyre's letter.

Tamlin : Who does she think she is?
That girl has tangled with the wrong man!

Lucien : Darn right.

Tamlin : No one says “no” to Tamlin!
Dismissed! Rejected!
Publicly humiliated!
Why, it’s more than I can bear.

Lucien : More wine?

Tamlin : What for? Nothing helps.
I’m disgraced.


Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Tamlin
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry guy here’d love to be you, Tamlin
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man in court as admired as you
You’re ev'ryone’s favorite guy
Ev'ryone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s slick as Tamlin
No one’s quick as Tamlin
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Tamlins’s
For there’s no man in Prythian half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, dick or Stanley
And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one’s been like Tamlin
A High Lord like Tamlin


No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Tamlin

Tamlin : As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!

Lucien and the whole spring court :

My what a guy, that Tamlin!
Give five “hurrahs!” Give twelve “hip-hips!”

Tamlin is the best
And the rest is all drips

No one fights like Tamlin
Douses lights like Tamlin

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Tamlin!

Ianthe : For there’s no one as burly and brawny


Tamlin : As you see I’ve got biceps to spare

Lucien : Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny

Tamlin : That’s right!
And ev'ry last inch of me’s covered with hair

Spring Court :

No one hits like Tamlin
Matches wits like Tamlin

Lucien : In a spitting match nobody spits like Tamlin

Tamlin : I’m especially good at expectorating!
Ptoooie!

Spring court : Ten points for Tamlin!

Tamlin : When I was a lad
I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown
I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!

Spring court : Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Tamlin!
No one scratches like Tamlin
Makes those claws like Tamlin

Lucien : Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Tamlin


Tamlin : I use wings in all of my decorating!

Spring Court : My what a guy, Tamlin!!

4

OK OK OK, BUT HEAR ME OUT

I know beauty and the best is old news for you guys but it just came out a few days ago here in Japan so PLEASE CONSIDER: Voltron AU where Lance is Belle, Keith is Beast, and Lotor is Gaston. I feel like Pidge would have to be Chip lol and Lefou would maybe be Varkon???? Coran for Lumiere, Hunk for Cogsworth. Allura for Mrs. Potts, mall cow as the horse, Hagar as the enchantress… what’s left for Shiro? The dad? The wardrobe?? Lol. He’d be cute as the priest who likes to read. Or he could just be like… all the villagers lol. All of them. 

…BEAUTY AND THE KEITH LOL

SONG LYRICS:

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shit that happens in the italian BatB dub

- belle straight up sneering at the village by singing “it’s from the day me and my dad first arrived / that we thought / ‘this village is SO provincial’ ” like damn belle
- “how is your family?” “how is your wife?” is always translated in a cringe worthy way. So those two lines never really make any sense for the italians
- in “belle’ ppl sing "it seems like she has no virtue” LIKE CALM DOWN VILLAGERS roasting belle like… wow
- “lefou” is called “letont” which translates to “ledumb” and its honestly so cute
- “she is a girl who never has any friend / you are so alone mademoiselle” aka villagers roasting belle again
- ALL OF “GASTON”
- ITALIAN LEFOU IS SO MUCH SWEETER YOU CANT UNDERSTAND
- lefou straight up declares that gaston is “his hero”, “the man he cares the most about in the world” and “the perfect man”
- “so im roughly the size of a barge” in italian becomes “and i will lift even tWO OF YOU IF I WANNA”
- lumiere cant stop singing in fuckin french during “be our guest”
- like he keeps singing in french
- stop it lumiere
- how are the kids supposed to sing along lumiere
- cogsworth is called “tokins” because it’s easier to pronounce + it resembles the tick tock of clocks
- “be our guest” is called “do stay with us” …. they are basically begging her to stay because they …. are lonely….. dont touch me
- the amount of times the villagers shout “it will die” in 'the mob song’ is alarming. I was scared honestly

AU where bitty is on the lacrosse team and manages to keep the lax bros out of smh’s hair long enough that the boys start to get suspicious

word count: 2252

edit: part 2 here


Bitty has never been the biggest fan of confrontation. On the contrary, he spends a great deal of time avoiding most conflict these days. Even on the field, confrontation is Bitty’s mortal enemy, a fact proven by the way he freezes up and nearly passes out every time someone threatens to check him.

There is one place Bitty accepts (if not exactly welcomes) confrontation, though, and that’s in the safety of the lax house. Or, more often, the safety of the front lawn of the lax house when the pesky hockey team across the street starts trouble. Realistically, he knows his own team contributes to some of the bickering and fighting that goes on on that lawn, but more often than not it’s the hockey team who barges over uninvited to complain about this or that.

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So my sister, who is a vegetarian, texted the sibling group chat saying she’d bought 4 dozen eggs in preparation for Passover so I of course responded with “and I’m roughly the size of a barge” and now I bring you pesachdik Gaston:

No one cleans like Gaston
Won’t eat beans like Gaston
Commemorates hardship with greens like Gaston

Gaston but about Jason Todd

[ROY]
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Jason
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here’d love to be you, Jason!
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man in town as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite bat-guy
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why

No one’s slick as Jason
No one’s quick as Jason
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Jason
For there’s no bat in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!

[ROY/MEN]
You can ask any Tim, Dick, or Batsy
And they’ll tell you whose team they’d prefer to be on

Who shoots darts like Jason?
Who breaks hearts like Jason?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like Jason?

And they’ll tell you whose team they’d prefer to be on

[JASON]
As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!

[ALL]
My, what a guy, that Jason!

[JASON]
I needed encouragement
Thank you, Roy!

[ROY]
Well, there’s no one as easy to bolster as you!
-hugs too log-
Too much?

[JASON]
…Yep

[ALL]
No one fights like Jason
Douses lights like Jason

[Roy]
In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Jason

[JASON]
On patrol, I sneak up with my pistols
And mobs of Gotham say a prayer
First, I carefully aim with a missile
Then I shoot from behind

[ROY]
Is that fair?

[JASON]
I don’t care

[ALL]
No one hits like Jason
Matches wits like Jason

[ROY]
In a spitting match, nobody spits like Jason

[JASON]
I’m especially good at expectorating!

[spits]

[ALL]
Ten points for Jason!

[JASON]
When I was a lad, I punched four dozen heads
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I’m grown, I punch five dozen heads
So I’m roughly the size of a barge!

[ROY/MEN]
Who has brains like Jason?
Entertains like Jason?

[JASON]
Who can make up these endless refrains like Jason?
I use weapons in all of my decorating

[ALL]
Say it again
Who’s a man among men?
Who’s the super success?
Don’t you know? Can’t you guess?
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
There’s just one guy in town
Who’s got all of it down…

[ROY]
And his name’s J-A-Y…
J-A-Y-S

[JASON]
Dude, it’s J-A-S-O-N. You know this.

[ALL]
Jason!

Kylo Ren Version of Gaston’s Song

So I read that Adam Driver eats six eggs a day.

 It reminded me of Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. Then I got carried away and adapted Gaston’s song. (I imagine that maybe Le Fou is Matt the Radar Technician in this song, even though they are the same people.)

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Kylo
Looking so down in the dumps


Every storm trooper’d love to be you, Kylo
Even when taking your lumps
There’s no man on base as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite guy
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you
And it’s not very hard to see why



No one’s slick as Kylo
No one’s quick as Kylo
No one’s hair’s as incredibly thick as Kylo
For there’s no man on base half as gorgeous
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any First Order Officer
And they’ll tell you whose team they’ll always be on

No one’s sinned like Kylo
A Knight of Ren like Kylo
No one’s got a huge nose on his face like Kylo
As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating


My, what a guy, that Kylo!

Give five “hurrahs!”
Give twelve “hip-hips!”
Kylo is the best 
And the rest is all drips

No one fights like Kylo
Is a knight like Kylo
In a light saber match nobody smites like Kylo
For there’s no one as burly and brawny
As you see, I’ve got biceps to spare
Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny
And Kylo Ren has got an eight pack I swear!


No one hits like Kylo
Has big fits like Kylo
With a force choke, nobody constricts like Kylo
I’m especially hot and intoxicating
Ten points for Kylo!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large


And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I’m roughly the size of a barge

No one’s aloof like Kylo
Is a recluse like Kylo
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Kylo
I use Darth Vader in all of my decorating


My, what a guy
Kylo!

my life as a cat burglar

Friday night. Another long work week survived. I was just about to start on my first glass of wine of the evening. Suddenly there was a cry from downstairs.

“Emily!” called my dad. “Your cat is in difficulties!”

I live with my parents because haha London house prices and also my parents are the best landlords ever: they charge practically no rent, cook for me, are retired and therefore have nothing better to do than run my errands and do my laundry, and the hardest part is getting them to stop washing everything in sight. 

Also they allow pets! 

They love my cat.  Yesterday my dad took the back door apart in order to install a brand new extremely high-tech cat flap. Taking things apart is his hobby anyway - the other week he took the front door apart to see if he could carve a piece of wood exactly the right shape to stop one pesky draft - but he’s very concerned about the cat flap at the moment because a New Cat has moved into the neighbourhood and it is the Gaston of cats, which is to say it is roughly the size of a barge. 

We call it The Panther. Capital T, capital P. It keeps trying to come in through our old (insufficiently high-tech!) cat flap and eat Fennel’s dinner. It is nearly three times her size. Anyway, when Dad said difficulties, I assume he meant he needed me to come and chase off The Panther with a water pistol, which is our new family funtime activity.

By the time I was halfway down the stairs, I could tell that wasn’t the problem, because when The Panther is around Fennel goes silent or hissy, and she definitely wasn’t either of those. I could hear mewing. It was very loud. It was a lot louder than I realised, actually, because I could hear it in the house and it was coming from next door’s garden.

Fennel’s thought process since she started exploring our garden has gone like this:

  1.  A pot! I shall hide behind it.
  2. If I jump down here and then here I am in a vast new world of things to eat that I probably shouldn’t eat
  3. What is this bucket the large human keeps moving around, should I sit in it (’EMILY! Your cat is in my weeding bucket again!’)
  4. A bush! I shall hide inside it.
  5. oh my god
  6. oh my god what is that it’s so tall
  7. oh my god a tree
  8. I’m gonna climb it

Three days ago, she clomb the tree. Tonight: she discovered the Branch That Overlooks The Neighbour’s Garden. A vista of possibilities opened before her. She leapt down into this brave new world.

At some point after that, she discovered that jumping down from a very high branch does not mean you can jump back up to it again. 

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Life Is A Highway

THE HOTTEST FIC OF THE CENTURY

Lotor x LightingMcQueen x Arbys Turkey Sliders 

~dont like dont read xD xD lol~

Lotor Zarkon Greasy-Ass MLP Boi The 69th was sitting excitedly in a seat at the raceway. He was finally able to see his idol, Lightning McQueen race in person!! He had been anticipating this moment for weeks, and now that it was here he could hardly contain the excitement.

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anonymous asked:

Jonathan I'll give you a life supply of eggs if you wear leggings

“….”

…. >:)

“Are…”

“-sigh- Are you sure about being able to…keep that promise? Be-because….//// when… I…”-Jonathan

((C’mon! say it!!!!))


“ SIIIGH- When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large….And now that I’m grown I eat five dozen eggs….So I’m roughly the size of a barge…. THIS IS NONSENSE! ////”-Jonathan

Destiny mun: