July 20, 2009
  1. The word “tsunami” is not in my phone’s T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says “Trumang!”, get the fuck off the beach.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114
  2. Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn’t damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107
  3. Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97
  4. First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say “club”.

    This means you, Jeremy.

    Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  5. I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn’t have a sexual history.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  6. “I just bought a pedometer.”

    “Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73
  7. Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  8. Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.


    Stage One is complete.

    Initiate Stage Two.

    Release the Moose Commandos.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  9. I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  10. I can’t dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.
    These Whitestrips must be working.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  11. 1) Wake up
    2) Brush teeth
    3) Feed fish
    4) Take meds
    5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.

    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61
  12. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61
  13. Gnats are super attracted to me today. I’m a magnat.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59
  14. My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  15. Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
    A: The pitbull doesn’t blame the media for all its problems.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  16. My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53
  17. Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.

    Still pretty awesome.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  18. Wife: “I’m pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  20. Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn’t let me pet.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49
SnarkNYC was a blast

From start to finish, it was wonderful. I met some people I have followed and adored for a long time and everyone exceeded my expectations. There were people I haven’t seen for a while and new people I had no idea existed that were amazing too. I’m not going to name names because there are too many of you to mention but it was truly a pleasure talking and hugging all of you. And the fact that some of you said I was on your people-I-want-to-meet-tonight list, squeeee, so flattered I can’t tell you. 

And a special thank you to Michele and Chris for making it all possible. You guys totally rock and I can’t wait to see you again.

5 Great Tweets - @roughdiction

And now for 5 Great Tweets from a very funny Twitterer and borderline sociopath, @roughdiction:

Some interesting facts I learned at the children’s museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.

She said if I buy the batteries and don’t talk until she is finished, I can take credit for the orgasm.

My girlfriend gives the best back rubs; the kind where she uses her mouth on my dick.

If loving her this way is wrong, I sure hope she doesn’t wake up.

A kid was hitting me with his toy for 15 minutes. I would never hurt a child but I was impressed how well his mom took a punch to the face.

Follow Christopher on Twitter here.

Oh Snark, I love you!

  • Almost as much as I love bullet points.
  • I managed to be in approximately five pictures. I never remember to take pictures of you bitches. I will post them in a little bit.
  • I only tongued Cherilyn. So she should feel special.
  • Somehow I’m in the same town with the Internet all weekend and only manage to see them for a few hours at the bar. I need to socialize more. 
  • I did bring my cleavage just for Donald
  • It is impossible to heart Michelle as much as I do.
  • I may or may not have made plans with Chris to run away together. Don’t worry Torgny will take care of Michelle if I do. 
  • I met a ton of you but still didn’t get to meet the a ton. That last part makes me sad. 
  • Really need to not let the boys pick out my shoes. 
  • I kicked over a chair and yelled “FUCK MY SPANX” more than once.
September 26, 2009
  1. My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 97
  2. At my daughter’s cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80
  3. Starbucks. Morning. Parking lot awash with Harleys. Leather-clad men politely line up for coffee.

    Bikers for Jesus.

    Born to be mild.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
  4. I like the scene in “Windows 7” when Windows decides to come out of retirement and fight the Russian guy.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 70
  5. The Greek god of smugness was a minor figure in the pantheon. Prius was banished to Hades after a dismissive remark about Apollo’s chariot.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 68
  6. “And remember guys: it’s not a pie-eating contest. Treat her like a lady, not a pile of envelopes, amirite? High five.”

    — Rene Descartes
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 64
  7. They didn’t have G20 riots when I was in college. I did get pretty pissed off about the New Coke thing, though.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62
  8. Twitter is now valued at $1 billion? I refuse to pay that much.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54
  9. Yo Swede, I’m really happy for you but ‘less we go Dutch, ain’t Norway I'mma let you Finnish this Danish.
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 54
  10. I honked and flipped someone off while listening to the Dalai Lama’s book on CD, and I– well, I think I attained enlightenment.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
  11. Coffee and eggs in bed. Long overdo love-making. Leisurely shave then newspaper and DVR. JK!!! Youth soccer 8 AM. Kill me.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 50
  12. “Oh, y'know. Writing. Talks. Walking around on a Saturday morning smoking a cigar and typing jokes about eating pussy into a phone. Talks.”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49
  13. Sittin’ on the floor in Ellie’s room, making piles of Play Doh poop and laughing.

    Wonder where Eleanor went.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48
  14. My son just told me he’s having trouble focusing at school …or something like that. It was hard to hear him over the football game.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 46
  15. I don’t know what’s dumber– Dane Cook’s 10 minutes about masturbating, or me for not changing the channel.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 44
  16. It seems unfair that foreplay always means playing with her tits when mine are just as big.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 44
  17. Girlfriend, pointing to my legs, “Looks like somebody’s winter coat is coming in.”
    @poeks (Poeks) – 43
  18. If you shave it, he will come.
    @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 42
  19. The nurse just said “you’re going to feel a poke.” I yelled out, “that’s how she got here!”

    They love me here already.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37
  20. ME: Love this song
    HER: What?
    M: And Your Bird Can Sing
    H: What?
    H: Andrew Bird Can’t Sing?
    M: I hate you
    H: What?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 37
Today is the 6 year anniversary of Chris and I first "meeting" online.

6 years ago today I was sitting in a chat room, feeling sorry for myself and loathing the person I had become and just feeling broken and more lonely than I think I had ever felt and my IM chimed and I look down and I see this message….

“You sound like you’re really angry. You must be fat. Do you like Yodels?”

And that was it.

He made me laugh for some reason and he’s kept me laughing ever since.

Happy Chat Roomaversary…ASSHOLE.

October 19, 2009
  1. They should make a Saw movie where the torture is to watch the other Saw movies.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 143
  2. That was cynical. I apologize, SEOs.

    apologies, apology, sorry, best apology, cheap apology, horny apology
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 132
  3. Unfollowing me over *whitespace*?

    You mean that whitespace I left on your Mom?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 105
  4. Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 94
  5. 5 imaginary football positions that sound real to me:

    1. Rear end.
    2. Stain guard.
    3. Finger snapper.
    4. Defensive retort.
    5. Markie post.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63
  6. If I believed in karma, all of this bad luck would make sense. Instead I’m blaming minorities like grandma always did.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 61
  7. “Wow, this is a dirty kitchen!” exclaimed our 5-year-old’s friend, here for a playdate. Still, he finished his bowl of lead paint chips.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60
  8. I went to the church pot luck, but I don’t think anything actually had pot in it except for the brownies I brought.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59
  9. Patriots win 59-0.

    There hasn’t been that wide a spread since your mom in ‘76.
    @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 55
  10. Birdhouse star taxonomy need not be in order of quality. Mine are:

    ★ racist?
    ★★ pun/stolen
    ★★★ BEES!
    ★★★★ racist pun
    ★★★★★ fake drunk
    @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 53
  11. Now I’m looking forward to a movie adaptation of 'Goodnight Moon.’ I’d like to see Tom Hanks as the bowl full of mush.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53
  12. You complete me, but only because I was too lazy to do it myself.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50
  13. “Turn nuggets halfway though cooking”?
    Look, I’m microwaving dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, not training to become the next Emeril Lagasse
    @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 49
  14. When life gives you lemons, maybe you deserve lemons. Life doesn’t hand out reasonless lemons. Some of us are pretty tired of your lemonade.
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Patrick Batem) – 49
  15. Attempted to get out of a ticket by finding a common ground with the officer, so I showed him I had a similar gun in my glovebox.

    Bad idea.
    @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 48
  16. My weekend was great, thanks. It was like two solid days of you shutting the fuck up.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47
  17. When I get challenged to a match of 'rock, paper, scissors’, I always win because on the count of three, I slap the person as hard as I can.
    @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 43
  18. This salad tastes like despair. No, wait. That’s raddichio.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 43
  19. These cookies are so good, you don’t need to get up for milk. It just flows from your own nipples.
    @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 41
  20. Seems like all of my friends want to be the same superhero for Halloween. And I’ve never even heard of “Mostly-Naked Girl.”
    @antichrista (Karate Khrista) – 41
September 11, 2009
  1. Hugh Hefner is getting a divorce? Well, there goes his conservative Catholic fan base.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 94
  2. Walked my kid to school. Gave a homeless guy ten bucks for a cigarette. Saw a C-3PO tattoo on a woman’s back. Sometimes life’s OK.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 81
  3. They wouldn’t sell me a dead cow, an intact tuna fish or a wheel of cheese. “Whole Foods” my ass.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  4. Last night I dreamed I ate my pillow. I woke up and the bag of marshmallows I had in bed because otherwise this joke won’t work was gone.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 74
  5. We met last week at Gymboree. My kid kept hitting yours with that stick. I felt a connection. I wrote my number on your toddler. Call me.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 73
  6. I forgot about the No White After Labor Day rule, so now I look foolish wearing this white fanny pack.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58
    Or at Cracker Barrel. Same difference.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50
  8. Okay, I’m sorry I called you a scrote boat and an ass raft, but I stand by my assertion that you’re a poo poo canoe.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 49
  9. Love LOVE iTunes 9. For real.

    But, anybody know if there’s another visualizer besides that colorful spinning ball?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48
  10. Less than six months after Obama sent her a birthday letter, the world’s oldest person has died. FREAKY.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48
  11. I figure if I inhale enough roach spray, I can get the magic bear that lives in my pants to teach my kindergarten class for me.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47
  12. If boobs could talk I bet they’d say babies suck.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45
  13. Having a picture of your screaming 2yr old stuck in the toilet means you left him there to go get your camera. Awesome.
    @lukeinvan (Vancouver’s Luke) – 45
  14. Every time Taco Bell rings, an angel gets the runs.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 44
  15. My 3 yr old can sing the entire “iCarly” theme. I’m as impressed by his auditory learning abilities as I am ashamed of my parenting skills.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43
  16. Coworkers enjoy the privilege of half-day Fridays. As a contractor, I enjoy the privilege of searching their desks for candy and change.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41
  17. I’m so tired and I can’t sleep and my eyes are sore and my head hurts and these stupid pink elephants can’t play poker for shit.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 41
  18. “I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 41
  19. Wow, so THIS is why you guys sit around on the Internet with no pants. I’ve never felt so free! The barista’s getting annoyed, though.
    @yhf (Jim Something) – 40
  20. In a stroke of genius, I drank two diet Red Bulls at eleven. Now I’m wide awake and hating myself. But, like, REALLY FAST.
    @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 38
July 25, 2009
  1. Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism.

    I fight Vampire Hitler.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102
  2. Troubleshooting. Next step, shooting.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62
  3. The argument “Jesus must have existed because so many things were written about him” makes me want to go to New York to meet Spiderman.
    @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 60
  4. When I meet women, I try to impress them with my good looks, dance moves and big dick. I have none of those so I just fix their computer.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59
  5. Frankly, I don’t think anyone who measures trust in physical distance should be allowed to throw people, anyway.
    @Remiel (Gabriel) – 57
  6. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him lifeguard. Horses don’t know CPR.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57
  7. “Cut it out”
    “RT Cut it out”

    “Stop it!”
    “RT Stop it!”

    “Daaad, tell him to stop!”
    “RT Daaad, tell him to stop!”

    My kids on Twitter.
    @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57
  8. Police officer just came to our door looking for an address that doesn’t exist. I will report this to Obama.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  9. Does this neck brace make me look straight ahead?
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 56
  10. When my wife goes away, she leaves a Honey Do list. I say, “Fuck you, it’s Saturday!” But, it comes out, “Yes, Dear.” I’ll be back later.
    @BakeMyFish (Cunny Snort) – 53
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52
  12. “Coffee is good at work, but I’d never be so strung out that I’d need it on weekends.” - Me, 15 years ago, remembered while I top off.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
  13. The Doubters: “You can’t convince millions of poor people they don’t want help paying their doctor bills.”

    FOX News: “Oh no? Watch me.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
  14. Crumbs in your keyboard are just a snack you haven’t met!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48
  15. the best way to tell a friend they have a booger in their mustache is to say the words you are tweeting out loud as you type.

    you got it.
    @theduty (duty) – 45
  16. On the one hand, I *should* go for a run. On the other hand, I have five fingers. Covered with peanut butter.
    @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 45
  17. Just had a nice catch with my son. HOW FREAKING HARD WAS THAT, HARRY CHAPIN?
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45
  18. Profoundly funny tweet #2828703960 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 44
  19. I’d say I’m an elitist but I’m better than that.
    @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43
  20. Profoundly funny tweet #2831086140 (?)
    @srslainey (Unavailable) – 43