rostam omg

I SAW 'HORNS' LAST NIGHT AND I REGRET NOTHING

I swear I was gonna go see that Woody Allen movie Magic in the Moonlight on Saturday night—and I even went to the theater with that very intention—but sorry, no matter how magical that movie is supposed to be, and no matter if it stars Emma Stone, NO WAY IN HELL was I going to pass up seeing a movie about Daniel Radcliffe growing horns. Especially if that movie’s tagline is “LOVE HURTS LIKE HELL.”

So I ended up seeing Horns instead.

Let me just start by saying I thought this was a fantasy film about Daniel Radcliffe turning into a ram, but it’s even better: He turns into the actual DEVIL. Also, the first dialogue line of the movie is “ARE YOU HORNY?” and honestly I lost it right then and there and never recovered again.

But anyway, HORNS. This movie is about a dude (named Ig or Iggy, IDK) who is under suspicion for murdering his girlfriend and literally just wakes up one morning with horns. Weirdly, no one is even the least bit horrified at this new ‘do—not any more shocked than if he had gotten, say, a nose job.

“Everybody thought I was a devil, and now I looked the part,” Daniel Radcliffe says in a brooding voiceover at one point. (His American accent improves significantly over the course of the film, and I must applaud him for that.)

It’s soon revealed that the horns aren’t just a physical deformity; he literally IS the devil, and gains devil-like powers. People start admitting their deepest, darkest secrets and urges around him. (So I guess he’s also kinda like a priest but with way more persuasive powers.) Some of the confessions are icky (like his doc admits sexual urges for his daughter’s friend :/), some are sad (his mom admits he wants him to go away forever *omg tear*), and some are just wtf (SPOILER ALERT: ONE GUY DROPS TROU AT A BAR FOR SOME TOTALLY UNEXPECTED PEEN SCENE). Poor Ig finds out that literally everyone around him sucks, even his super cute alt-bro, which is a shame because he is super cute (and I mean he is a literal alt bro—a brother who is alt, i.e. he walks around the house wearing flannel while playing the trumpet).

The main plot involves Daniel Radcliffe using his devilish ways to solve his GF’s murder, and there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it, and believe it or not, it makes even less sense as the movie goes on. I can’t even think of a religious agenda for this movie—I want to say it’s anti-religious, but tbh I really don’t want to think that deeply about HORNS. Like, I’m not about to get into some theological discussion about a movie ABOUT DANIEL RADCLIFFE GROWING SOME HORNS. So let’s just be simple-minded and enjoy this flick for what it is.

And just when you think “COULD THIS MOVIE GET ANY WORSE,” YES, YES IT DOES. But also it gets SO GOOD, you guys.

Like here, look at Harry Potter channeling some serious Britney Spears vibes.

Have you ever wondered 'What if Harry Potter was BAD? LIKE REAL BAD? LIKE SLYTHERIN BAD?“ May all your chamber of dirty secrets come true in HORNS.

AND THEN THERE’S THIS GUY, who looks like if Ezra Koenig had a baby with Rostam Batmanglij (omg ~bb vampy weekend~):

But mostly this movie was so awesome because Daniel Radcliffe seemed really committed despite how truly terrible it got. In one scene, he literally sprouts wings and starts flying and you can tell he is 100% into it. He gets burned head to toe and he is STILL down.

If you want to cry and laugh and walk out of the theater wondering "HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE,” then Horns is the movie for you.

NO RAGRETS.