room-temperature

Wedding Night

A/N: I want you all to know I cringed every 3 seconds writing this because anything other than playful banter makes me uncomfortable having never personally experienced real ~romance. If season 3 continues down this route, just expect a fic every Monday lmao. I hope I did this justice, please let me know what you think. Enjoy xo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caroline placed the final hairpin on the dresser and watched her husband step into the room behind her. She moved to greet him, a mixture of nervous excitement and apprehension swirled in her stomach. She stopped a few paces in front of him, examining him carefully. “Are you certain you are recovered? We could wait a while longer if you wish.”

“Quite certain,” he purred, drawing her closer to him. They shared a gentle kiss.
The room was a comfortable temperature, aided by the flimsy fires of the candle sticks. She sighed happily and gazed into his eyes. It was the first time since his return she could detect no trace of fatigue, pain or despondency; only passion burned there now.

“Shall we pretend this is our wedding night?” Caroline suggested, a note of hopefulness in her voice as she recalled how the last time had been interrupted. She fingered his neckcloth.

Dwight smiled slightly at her. “No pretence needed. Every night is our wedding night to me.”

She took a moment to digest that this wonderful man was indeed her husband. Despite fate placing several seemingly insurmountable obstacles between them; they had always found a way back to each other. Caroline had every intention of making up for lost time. And so, it appeared, did Dwight, as he steered them blindly towards the bed.

She felt his hands fumble along her back. “It unfastens down the front,” she breathed.
Dwight swallowed hard and placed a hand on her chest, where the buttons began. If it wasn’t such a fine piece he might have torn the gown seam by seam. With the quick precision of a surgeon’s hand, Caroline stood before him in merely a shift within a matter of minutes.
She approached him confidently and began to undress him until he stood in only his breeches.
She delicately placed her hand on his chest. Her thumb swept back and forth over a scar he had procured during his time at Quimper.

He moved to kiss her but she backed away slowly and raised her arms, teasingly, waiting for him to remove her shift. He did so, in one sweeping motion.
His hand glided through her curls and down the curve of her back. It came to rest on the back of her thigh where he pulled her up with ease.
She wrapped her legs around him so that she could balance on his hip bones. She giggled at the unfamiliar height difference.
He groaned as he felt her heat on his stomach. Dwight took several steps towards the bed as he trailed his lips over her bottom lip and down the hollow of her neck.
“Are you certain this is what you wish?” he asked, searching her eyes for a trace of doubt or hesitation. He found none.

“Yes,” she replied, caressing his face, the candle light reflecting off her wedding band. “It is all I have ever wished for.”

He smiled, his eyes full of love, as he lay her down gently onto their bed.


“I forgot how exhausting it all is,” Caroline said plainly, yawning, her hair untidy and a light flush still on her face.

Dwight’s hearty laugh bounced off the walls of the now dimly lit room. He turned to face her and propped himself up on his elbow, smiling. “Now I need no longer prescribe valerian root. Should you ever find yourself unable to sleep, Mrs. Enys, you know where to find me.”

She inched closer to him, her eyebrows raised. “I believe I shall have no trouble sleeping tonight, husband.”

“I should hope not.” He took her in his arms and kissed her deeply.

“Though, Dr. Enys,” Caroline implicated with a coy smile once they had broken. “I fear perhaps I shall find myself incapable of sleep tomorrow night.”

He chuckled against her lips. “What a coincidence. I fear so, too.”

princessagony  asked:

If I'm not wrong keef started from coran coran the gorgeous man and people made a keef keef room temperature beef joke or from the baby paladin drawings playing off children's inability to say certain sounds early on in life. I think I hope that helps some.

ahhh that could also be the reason?? I think I saw it before the coran coran the gorgeous man thing, though, but the baby pronunciation one is a good guess too. thank you!!!

  • Reyes: Oxton. This is a secure channel. Only you can hear me, Strike Commander Morrison and Captain Amari don't know about this conversation. Listen carefully. Once Null Sector is neutralized I need you to do something very important for me in London, and you absolutely cannot reveal that I asked you to do it until the job is complete.
  • Tracer: what is it luv?
  • Reyes: I need you to take Jesse McCree to a pub and film his reaction when he finds out you Brits serve beer at room temperature.
Random joke magic items

Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:

1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.

2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.

3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.

4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.

5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.

6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.

8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.

9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.

10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.

11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.

12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.

13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.

14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.

15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.

16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.

17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.

18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.

19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.

20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.

21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.

22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.

23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.

24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.

25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will

26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.

27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.

28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.

29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.

30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.

31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.

32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.

33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.

34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.

35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.

36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.

37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.

38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.

39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.

40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.

50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.

51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.

53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.

54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.

55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.

56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.

57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.

58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.

59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.

60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.

61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.

62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.

63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.

64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.

65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.

66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.

67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.

68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.

69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.

70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.

71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.

72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.

73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.

74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!

75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.

76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.

77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.

79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.

80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.

81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.

82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…

83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.

85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.

87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.

88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.

89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.

90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.

91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed

92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.

93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.

94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.

95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack

96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.

97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.

98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip

99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.

100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.

101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.

102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!

103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.

104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.

105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.

106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.

The Signs and Love:

Aries: You love closely and warmly. Everything you love is forcibly wrapped in tin foil with the power of your will alone.

Taurus: You are a nervous lover. As in, you are a lover who has a nervous system, you know synapses and all that.

Gemini: You have a heart of gold and a face of gallium. Your face melts at room temperature into a glistening silvery puddle. 

Cancer: It can be difficult to make you smile, but when you do its gorgeous. Consider not sewing your lips shut every morning.

Leo: A bold and passionate lover. Just make sure that what you’re hitting on is in fact alive. 

Virgo: A dangerous lover. A lover on the edge. Someone who can only feel affection while on an adrenaline high, like when skydiving. 

Libra: When it comes to love you think too much. If they said they like you, they probably like you.

Scorpio: Tsundere.

Ophiuchus: A clever lover. While you may think you have a good solution for every problem, too many of them involve systems of pulleys. Its freaking your significant other out. 

Sagittarius: You are a true and loyal lover. Treachery is met with a swift death.

Capricorn: You love like steel toes. Thrilling, dramatic, and often a source of testicular pain.

Aquarius: An elegant lover, all fall before your mere voice. Thats when you tie their shoes together and steal their wallets. 

Pisces: A cute lover. Adorable really. Ignore the hunting knife.

anonymous asked:

What's the shower orange?

A shower orange is a glorious experience that you should perform at least once in your life.

Step 1: Get an orange. Room temperature is fine, but refrigerated makes the contrast even better. 

Step 2: Put on a hot shower. 

Step 3: Take the whole orange into the shower - yes, while naked. Treat it like an otherwise normal shower. 

Step 4: Use your teeth and fingernails to rip open the orange and take huge messy bites out of it. Drop the peels by the drain, and your shower will be full of citrus oil smells. You can pick them out later. Devour the orange. Revel in it. 

Step 5: Finish your shower and clean up the leftover bits of peel and seeds. If you thought ahead, you could also have a trash can set up outside the shower for the peel and such, but I dont think it’s necessary. 

The Magickal Properties of Fermented Rice Water

Rice is a dietary staple for many cultures across the globe, but it is useful for so much more than just eating. Rice is also a powerful magickal ingredient, and fermented rice water even more so.

What the heck is fermented rice water?!?

Well, fermented rice water is just regular old rice water (you guessed it) fermented. Rice Water is made by soaking rice in water for several hours until all of its nutrients seep out into the water, leaving you with a product great for using on hair, nails, and even skin. When you ferment the water, you make it easier for these nutrients to permeate the skin and hair.


How to make fermented rice water:

You will need:

  • ½ cup of any kind of rice
  • 3 cups of water
  1. First, rinse your rice thoroughly.“But Thyme! Won’t that rinse out some of the nutrients? I’m rinsing it and the water is turning cloudy and white!“ Actually, that’s totally okay. You haven’t been soaking the rice for long enough for nutrients to seep out. What you are seeing is dust and other impurities. Throw this water out. 
  2. Next, place your rice in a large bowl and add the three cups of water. You can leave this mixture to soak for as little as 30 minutes if you are in a rush, but I usually do it for a couple of hours. Strain out any rice when your water is a nice cloudy white and very fragrant. Congrats, you have made rice water! You can stop here if you like but if you want to ferment your rice water for added benefits, keep reading. 
  3. All you have to do now is let your rice water sit covered in a room temperature location for 24-48 hours. The warmer the room the faster it will ferment. It will smell pretty… interesting once it is done fermenting. 
  4. You can boil the fermented rice water if you wish but I don’t (because I ain’t afeared a germs) but if it freaks you out, boil it afterwards. 
  5. The fermented rice water may be too potent, so you will have to dilute it with some warm water to use directly on skin or just pour it straight into your bath.
  6. You can store your fermented rice water for up to 7 days in a closed container in your fridge. Just watch out for mold and throw it out if it smells too funky.


Magickal Uses and Properties of Fermented Rice Water:

Fermented rice water has similar magickal properties to rice itself with some quirks. Here are some of my associations for fermented rice water:

  • blessings of abundance when used topically 
  • money, plentiful riches when used topically
  • spiritual wealth or prosperity when used topically
  • fertility of crops and animals when used topically or released into the air
  • protection from skin conditions when used topically
  • bringing healing rain to the earth, can be used topically or sprayed into the air
  • keeping evil spirits at bay, can be sprayed like sage water or used topically
  • a feeling of security, like the warm embrace of a mother when used topically
  • beauty, to be used in glamours when used topically (on hair and skin)

Rice water is a very useful addition to any witch’s closet of goodies and is especially useful in glamours, money spells, and fertility spells. Happy casting, lovelies! 


*Disclaimer: Please test your rice water on a small patch of skin before using to ensure that you will not have an allergic reaction. Rice water is considered safe for administering topically but check first. And I can’t believe I have to say this but for the love of god don’t drink the stuff. 

Zootopia’s ‘The Big Donut’


Yields one 9 inch donut

The things you’ll need

Ingredients
  • ¾ cup warm milk
  • 1 packet active dry yeast
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • ¼ teaspoon almond extract
  • 2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
  • ¼ teaspoon kosher salt
  • 2 tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature
  • 2 egg yolks
  • Pink royal icing in a decorating bag fitted with a #3 tip
  • Vegan sprinkles
  • Bench flour
Ganache
  • 2 cups chopped chocolate
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 1 tablespoon corn syrup
Equipment
  • Large bowl
  • 9 inch cake ring
  • Cookie sheet lined with parchment paper
  • Paper towel
  • Large measuring cup
  • Rubber spatula
  • Whisk
  • Pastry brush
  • Drying rack
  • Large frying pot
  • Candy thermometer
  • Pan spray

Let’s get started!

  1. In a small bowl, combine warm milk, yeast and sugar. Allow to sit for 10 minutes to activate.
  2. Pour the mixture into a large bowl and then mix in egg yolks, butter and almond extract.
  3. Mix in half of flour and then salt. Add the other half of the flour and then knead for a few minutes.
  4. Place dough into a greased bowl and allow it to sit until it has doubled in size.
  5. Place rested dough onto a floured surface and form it into a large circle.
  6. Use a large cake ring to cut the dough into a circle. Use a smaller cookie cutter to hollow out the center and then cover with a towel to proof.
  7. Heat oil to 350ºF and preheat oven to 350ºF.
  8. When the donut has set for about 10 to 15 minutes, place it into the hot oil.
  9. Fry for 1 to 2 minutes and then flip once the edges are golden brown. Fry for another minute or two.
  10. Remove from oil and place onto a paper towel-lined cookie sheet to drain.
  11. Move donut to a clean cookie sheet and bake for 5 minutes.
  12. Remove the donut from the oven and cool completely before decorating.
Ganache
  1. Chop chocolate into small pieces and place into a medium bowl.
  2. Heat cream in a small pot and bring to a scald.
  3. Pour hot cream over chopped chocolate and then add corn syrup.
  4. Allow the mixture to set for 3 minutes and then stir to melt the chocolate until smooth and shiny.
  5. Place donut onto a cookie sheet with a drying rack and pour the ganache over it immediately. Refrigerate before decorating.

Time to decorate!

  1. Carefully place rainbow jimmies onto the donut and then use pink royal icing to pipe “The Big Donut” on top.
  2. TaDa! This larger than life donut will roll right through Zootopia and into your mouth!

I need a cooking show where the contestants are tasked with recreating fictional dishes

Like

“Make this dish that showed up in that anime one time - it looks like this and it’s slightly spicy. This is all we know” *shows big picture on a screen*

or

“Your task today is to make a health potion. It should be able to stay preserved for a week in room temperature, at least. But it’s not like we can really check that on a 1 hour show. Still, keep it in mind”

and then the old man who lives alone with two dogs and a cat wins, and the gamer and the anime nerd look at him in horror whispering “how…” to themselves

or something

but yeah I need this

alternativetart  asked:

hey, i was wondering if you had any good sugar cookie (or something similar) recipes? my brother wants me to bake some for him lol

First key to good sugar cookies: DO NOT MELT YOUR BUTTER, AND DON’T USE FROZEN BUTTER. For fuck’s sake, I know it makes cookies a Thing To Plan instead of an impulsive thing, but it’s like, the number 1 most common reason for fucked up sugar cookies, aside from just ignoring the directions. 

Step 1: Leave 2 sticks of butter out overnight, to become room temperature. This is ‘softened’ butter. It’s fine, it won’t spoil, you can leave butter out unwrapped under a bowl for a week and you’ll be fine. 

Step 2: Turn on the oven and set it for 350º F. (176 º C)

Step 3: Gather all your ingredients. You’ll need:

  • - 2 sticks of softened butter (1 cup total)
  •  - 1½ cups granulated sugar 
  • - 1 egg 
  • - 2¼ cups all-purpose flour
  • - ½ teaspoon baking powder 
  • - ½ teaspoon Kosher salt
  • - 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • Some extra granulated sugar for sprinkling on top to make ‘em cute little fuckers. 
  • Parchment paper

Step 4: Baking is a precise bitch so I’m being serious about this. Mix the Egg, Sugar, Vanilla, and Butter together first. 

Step 5: After it’s a creamy sort of goo, you can slowly stir in the rest of the ingredients (Dump in a little at a time, stir it until it’s completely mixed in, then dump in a little more, etc.) Congrats, you’ve made cookie dough~ Now line your pan with parchment paper because it cooks better that way. 

Step 6: Scoop out a little golf ball sized orb, roll it in some extra sugar, and smush it down onto your baking pan into a cookie shape. Space the cookies about 2 inches apart. 

Step 7: Once you’re sure the oven is heated to 350 (most ovens have a light that will turn on when they’re still ‘preheating’ and will turn off once it’s ACTUALLY at that temp) you can pop the baking sheets splayed with cookies into the oven for about 8-10 minuntes. The cookies should brown slightly around the edges, and that’s when they’re perfect imo. Some people like ‘em chewier. 

Step 8: Take the cookies out of the oven, and LET THEM CHILL. Seriously. They’re fragile, sensitive little creations at this point. DO NOT remove them from the pan. DO NOT try to move them to a cooling rack, or put them into a  bowl for transport to feed your minions. Just… let them sit until the backing pan is room temperature, and the cookies only feel slightly warm, but not hot and don’t fall apart in your hand. 

Ta daaa, sugar cookies. Happy birthday minion 394


🍓Summer Solstice Strawberry Pudding🍓

This is a dish for everyone to enjoy, it’s gluten free and I offer vegan alternatives. It servers six typically. This pudding is best when the rice is still warm but honestly it’s yummy cold too, so any leftover can be kept for a day or two. You can experiment with whatever soft fruits you have on hand if you want, raspberries, blueberries, apricots, have all been tried and are tasty! Enjoy. 🍓

Ingredients For The Strawberry Layer

  • 200 g./7 oz. of wild strawberries, store bought works too!
  • 2 handfuls of rose petals or 2 tbsp of rose water.
    • Please don’t use store bought rose water most are essential oils(not the 100% grade) mixed with water, or do your research first! Use fresh rose petals if using roses and make sure they weren’t grown in polluted areas or covered in pesticides! 
  • 3 tbsp confectioners sugar
  • A large sprig of mint

Ingredients For The Rice Pudding

  • 2 tsp vanilla extract(tbh just do it to taste I usually do 3)
  • 125 g./4.5 oz. pudding rice
    • short grain white rice is what I typically use but if you can splurge and buy pudding rice it’s delicious
  • 800 ml./27 oz. whole milk
    • I would recommend almond milk as the vegan replacement or rice milk but whatever you have on hand should work
  • 250 ml./8.5 oz. heavy cream
    • This is a bit more difficult to substitute, you can use coconut cream or make your own by letting full fat coconut milk settle at room temperature and skimming the cream once it rises to the top. You can also use blended silken tofu as well, medium and firm varieties work best!
  • 50 g./2 oz. caster(regular) sugar

Directions

  1. If you’re using store bough strawberries, slice any large ones in half and keep the smaller ones whole. For wild strawberries, gently rinse and drain.
  2. Place the strawberries into a bowl with the rose petals or rosewater, the confectioners sugar, and the sprig of mint torn up into smaller pieces. Let it settle for around a half an hour to forty-five minutes for the flavors to combine.
  3. In a pan, mix the rice, cream, milk, vanilla, and sugar together.
  4. Place the pan on a medium heat and bring to a simmer, do not let it boil. Stir gently for approximately 30. minutes, until the rice is soft and tender and has absorbed most of the liquid. The pudding should be fairly liquid in texture, but it will thicken as it cools. Add a little more milk if it starts to look too thick before the rice is sufficiently cooked.
  5. Remove the mint from the strawberry mixture and stir to combine the flavors.
  6. Serve in a glass or bowl layering the strawberries and rice pudding to make a pretty parfait! Garnish with a few wild strawberries, fresh rose petals, and a small mint leaf. Or don’t garnish and just shove it in your face like I do!

Unicorn Cake


Yields one three layer 6 inch cake

The things you’ll need

Ingredients
  • 2 cups all purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/8 teaspoon salt
  • 1 stick salted butter at room temperature
  • ¼ cup solid vegetable shortening
  • 1 ½ cups sugar
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • ¼ teaspoon almond extract
  • 5 large white eggs
  • ¾ cup whole milk
  • ¼ cup rainbow sprinkles
Decoration
  • White buttercream frosting
  • Light pink buttercream frosting fitted with #824 and a #4B tip
  • Light blue buttercream frosting fitted with a #2A tip
  • Light purple buttercream frosting fitted with a #824
  • Dark purple buttercream frosting fitted with a #2A tip and a #4B tip
  • Black buttercream frosting fitted with a #4 tip
  • White fondant
  • Gold edible highlighter dust
  • Small paint brushes
  • Fondant rolling pin
  • Teardrop cookie cutters
  • Lillipop stick
Equipment
  • Three 6-inch round cake pans
  • Large mixing bowl
  • Medium mixing bowl
  • Hand mixer
  • Rubber spatula
  • Whisk
  • 6 inch cake board
  • Cake stand
  • Cake turntable
  • Offset spatula
  • Small sifter
  • Almond extract

Let’s get started!

  1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
  2. Grease and line three 6-inch round cake pans.
  3. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.
  4. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to beat butter, shortening and sugar until light and fluffy.
  5. Add eggs whites one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add extracts.
  6. On a low speed, alternate adding the flour mixture and milk to the butter mixture, beginning and ending with the flour mixture. Fold sprinkles into the batter.
  7. Divide batter evenly between cake pans and bake for 30 to 35 minutes.
  8. Once cakes are fully cooled, level them with a cake leveler.
  9. Stack cakes on a cake board, making sure to frost between each layer.
  10. Use a cake turntable to smooth white frosting over the entire cake.

Time to decorate!

  1. Use white fondant to make a unicorn horn.
  2. Mix a few drops of almond extract into edible gold dust and then brush it onto the horn.
  3. Use teardrop cutters to create fondant ears and then paint the inner ear gold. Insert a toothpick into the bottom of each ear.
  4. Pipe rosettes on the top and along one side of the cake using the pink and light purple frosting and #824 tips.
  5. Add dollops of detail using the pink and dark purple frosting and #4B tips. Use blue and dark purple frosting fitted with #2A tips to add more details.
  6. Pipe eyes onto the front center of the cake. Place horn on the top center of the cake and the ears on either side of the horn.
  7. TaDa! This colorful Unicorn Cake will bring magic to any occasion!
Bloom — Part I — Summer

REQUEST: Can u write a fan fic about the girl owning a flower shop and Harry coming in to get flowers for someone else but then they fall in love because love is beautiful like a flower


Started writing this oneshot and it turned into four oneshots. I changed it up a bit, but I hope you enjoy. x


The first time that Harry came to her shop, she barely said a word to him.

She knew when she opened her flower shop that Harry Styles lived nearby. It’s basically all that her friends back home could talk about when she announced where she was moving—they were diehard fans, and a few of them even begged her to take them with her so that they could meet the infamous Harry Styles.

She wasn’t shy, and she wasn’t one to get starstruck when face to face with a celebrity (not that she’d ever really met one). But the first time of many that Harry Styles walked into her flower shop, he was on a date.

His date wasn’t a big name or anything, and didn’t look familiar at all. But he was very much enthralled with her—he seemed like the kind of man to give you all his attention when he’s set aside time for you, and that was something she rarely ever really saw. She busied herself behind the counter of the shop, counting receipts and moving some stuff around so that she didn’t look like she was eavesdropping, which she wasn’t.

The shop that she owned wasn’t very big at all—it was just big enough to hold a small greenhouse garden in the back that she used to grow her flowers, as well as the storefront where she sold them (among the shipments she received from other greenhouses that were much larger than her own). It wasn’t exactly LARGE by any standards but she enjoyed it that way. Except it meant that there really wasn’t anywhere to hide, so when Harry Styles and his date decided to walk around and look at her bouquets, she couldn’t help but overhear.

Keep reading

Brave Iced Rolls


Yields 12 rolls

The things you’ll need

Ingredients
  • 5 tablespoons bread flour
  • 1 package active dry yeast
  • ½ cup warm milk
  • 8 eggs
  • 3 cups + 3 tablespoons bread flour
  • ¼ cup sugar
  • 1 tablespoon salt
  • 1 ½ cups butter, room temperature
  • Orange royal icing
  • Maraschino cherries
  • Egg wash
Equipment
  • Stand mixer
  • Whisk
  • Rubber spatula
  • Bench flour
  • Medium mixing bowl
  • Decorating bag fitted with a #12 tip

Let’s get started!

  1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
  2. Mix yeast, warm milk and 5 tablespoons of bread flour to create a paste and allow it to set for 10 minutes.
  3. Beat eggs and sugar.
  4. Add the remaining flour in 4 parts as you knead the dough on low. Add salt half way through.
  5. Add in soft butter chunks and knead dough for 2 minutes.
  6. Shape dough into a ball and allow it to set for 1 ½ to 2 hours in a warm place.
  7. Punch dough down and form it into small spheres. Allow them to proof for 30 minutes.
  8. Brush rolls with egg wash and bake for 22 minutes or until golden brown.
  9. Remove from oven and cool slightly before icing. Drizzle royal icing over each roll and top with half a maraschino cherry.
  10. TaDa! These scrumptious Brave Iced Rolls will be the subject of folklore for generations to come!
  • simon’s 20th birthday was a lovely one, maybe his best one yet
  • his 20th birthday was a lot happier than his 19th. this year things didn’t have a dark undertone from all the traumatic things that had happened that past year. 
  • his 20th birthday was filled with many soft and genuinely happy moments,
  • soft were the morning kisses with baz as they woke in a too hot room after the temperature outside had risen at quick tempo that morning. 
  • soft was the sweater that had originally belonged to baz’s wardrobe, but was now simon’s to keep. (not that he was able to wear it any time soon with this weather.)
  • though the breeze, however still warm, was soft as it blew through the open window into the flat. 
  • soft was the feeling in simon’s belly when penny and baz sang happy birthday for him in their horrible, out of tune voices. 
  • soft was the butter melting on top of his giant pile of sour cherry scones.  
  • soft was the fur of the kitten, now named ebb, that penny had bought for him to keep at their flat. 
  • soft was baz’s hair as simon combed his fingers through it whilst they watched trashy tv for most of the day 
  • soft was penny’s smile as simon looked over at her with his heart full of happiness.  
  • simon’s 20th birthday wasn’t anything big–there was nothing that you could do with weather this hot, nothing but skip all your classes and relax at home with cold squash. (baz hated squash though; not enough sugar)
  • there was nothing really special about simon’s birthday, but the fact that it was just a lovely and simple day made it stand out against any other day in simon’s life. 
  • his birthday was without any complication which, truly, made it his best one yet.