Oxton. This is a secure channel. Only you can hear me, Strike Commander Morrison and Captain Amari don't know about this conversation. Listen carefully. Once Null Sector is neutralized I need you to do something very important for me in London, and you absolutely cannot reveal that I asked you to do it until the job is complete.
what is it luv?
I need you to take Jesse McCree to a pub and film his reaction when he finds out you Brits serve beer at room temperature.
Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:
1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.
2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.
3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.
4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.
5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.
6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.
7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.
8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.
9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.
10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.
11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.
12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.
13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.
14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.
15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.
16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.
17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.
18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.
19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.
20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.
21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.
22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.
23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.
24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.
25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will
26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.
27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.
28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.
29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.
30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.
31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.
32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.
33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.
34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.
35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.
36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.
37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.
38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.
39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.
40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.
50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.
51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.
52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.
53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.
54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.
55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.
56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.
57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.
58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.
59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.
60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single 'smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.
61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.
62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.
63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.
64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.
65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.
66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.
67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.
68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.
69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.
70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.
71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.
72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.
73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.
74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!
75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.
76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.
77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.
78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.
79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.
80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.
81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.
82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…
83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.
84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.
85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.
86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.
87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.
88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.
89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.
90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.
91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed
92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.
93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.
94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.
95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack
96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.
97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.
98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip
99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.
100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.
101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.
102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!
103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.
104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.
105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.
106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.
lesson provides a basic overview of the knowledge a beginner will need to
successfully grow plants. It is not intended to be a class on green witchcraft
specifically, though there may be elements of witchcraft incorporated.
system: portion of plant above ground
system: portion of plant below ground
reproductive organs of a plant, consists of modified leaves
Bud: site of
where leaf diverges from stem
photosynthetic organ, consists of blade and petiole
plant and provides water and nutrients from soil
Plants require sunlight for
photosynthesis. The amount required per plant is variable, but most prefer
medium or indirect light. In the Northern Hemisphere, a southern or southwest
window provides the most light, followed by east windows or bright spots in
sunny rooms, followed by a north window (not preferred).
Plants also require water. Again,
this varies widely, but the most common watering frequency is 1-2 times per
week. I personally prefer the finger test, which is simply sticking your finger
about 1” into the soil and checking for dryness. If the soil is totally dry,
water the plant thoroughly. Thorough watering should allow water to drip from
the bottom of the plant, in order to ensure sufficient saturation. In addition,
many plants will benefit from a humid environment.
There are many different types of
soil, but a few are more common than others. Potting soil, topsoil, garden
soil, succulent/cactus soil, seed starter mix, compost, and orchid soil are the
most common. Potting soil is soil that has been mixed to provide the best
environment for potted plants. Garden soil is usually topsoil with compost or
manure added, and should NOT be used in pots, as it is very dense. Topsoil is
simply the first layer of soil. Succulent/cactus soil has sand added, seed
starter mix is used to grow seedlings, compost is almost entirely decaying
organic matter, and orchid soil is formulated with bark and moss to ensure
healthy orchid growth.
Proper spacing of plants is most
important in outdoor gardens, to ensure room to grow and proper air
circulation. With potted plants, the container itself is most important. A
container should be large enough for the plant, with room to grow, and have at
least one drainage hole in the bottom. Clay readily absorbs water, and is
preferred for many plants to prevent them from sitting in water. Plastic and
metal are also very common, as is glass jars and bottles. I frequently
re-purpose containers as plant pots (and it gives me an excuse to have ice
In order to prevent mold and other fungi, proper air
circulation is necessary. It will also help strengthen a young plant. Keep in
mind, strong winds can harm plants.
Plants enjoy warmth. Many will be fine at room temperature,
but some prefer more or less – research accordingly. Warmth is most important
for seeds and seedlings, because they use the heat to tell when it’s time to
germinate. I typically wrap my seedling in a heating pad to encourage
When planting seeds, not only should you read the seed packet
for information, but do your own research! Google is your new best friend, if
it wasn’t already. Seeds vary in preferred depth, soil type, soil density,
spacing, warmth, and water, so keep this in mind. Knowing where the plant is
from and the general climate there can be very helpful! For example, rosemary
is Mediterranean, so it likes lots of sun, somewhat sandy soils, warm
temperature, and little water. You don’t have to go memorize average daily
rainfall in that region, but it helps to have a general idea.
Maintenance is fairly simple. Outside of the basic needs of a
plant, there are a few more to look for. As a plant grows, the root system will
grow too. A plant can become “root bound” if it outgrows a pot, which can be
very unhealthy, though some plants are more tolerant than others.
To repot, gently lift the plant up by pinching the base and
wiggling the plant carefully to help the roots loosen from the soil. You can
use your fingers to work the dirt clumps out of the roots, if necessary. If the
plant is really stuck, press your
hand flat against the soil, with the stem of the plant between your thumb and
first finger. Flip the pot upside down (expect a small rain of loose earth) and
give the bottom of the pot a sharp smack. Be ready for the weight of the plant
to suddenly shift when it comes out! Then you can proceed to loosen the roots
and repot. After you’ve gotten the plant itself out, replant it in a larger pot
and bury to cover the roots. Most plants won’t mind having part of their stem
buried as well, but some get fussy, so keep that in mind.
The other main maintenance that should be done is pruning.
Pruning encourages the axillary buds to grow, creating a new branch where the
leaf was cut. Many plants require pruning to be fully healthy. For non-woody
plants, simply use a sharp knife, scissors, or your nails (wash your hands!) to
cut the leaf away as close to the stem as possible. Wait a bit, and you will
likely see a new branch! You can also cut the stem above a node to encourage
growth. Depending on the growth pattern, you may get one, two, or even more new
branches. In addition, some plants benefit from flower pruning (to encourage
growth rather than fruiting) or deadheading (removing dead flower heads to
encourage new ones). For example, it is recommended that the flowers
immediately be plucked from strawberries in their first year, to encourage them
to grow “daughter” plants and result in a larger crop next year.
Propagating is the means of producing new plants. There are
various methods, but seeds, cuttings, and offshoots are the most common.
Seeds are easy, but require time or money. It takes time for
a mature plant to produce seed, plus they need to be pollinated either by hand
or by bees or other pollinators, so this may not be ideal.
Cuttings are popular as an “instant gratification” method (my
favorite!). Simply take a cutting of a plant by slicing above the node of the
stem. The chosen cutting should have several sets of leaves for best results,
and it should be a segment of new growth (especially important in woody plants)
with no flowers. Pinch or cut off all but a few pairs of leaves near the top,
leaving 2-3 bare nodes. Place in water or soil. For water, replace every few
days to replenish dissolved oxygen. For soil, keep moist, but not wet. I
personally prefer water because I can easily track development, but some claim
better success with soil. If using soil, sometimes a rooting hormone may be
applied to encourage root growth.
Offshoots are new baby plants that have grown from the root
system, stem, or rhizome of an adult plant. To propagate using them, wait until
they have several sets of leaves, then use the methods described in the segment
about repotting (Maintenance) to expose the roots. With a clean knife,
carefully cut the baby plant away from the parent, making sure that it receives
a portion of the roots. If the plant has a rhizome, cut so that the baby plant
gets a small portion of the rhizome. Repot using previously discussed methods.
If the rhizome is large, you can allow it to heal for a few days by setting it
in a cool, dry place. This can help prevent infection or rot, but is not a
Propagating succulents is quite similar to propagating
cuttings, though some, like aloe, produce offshoots called pups. In the case of
propagating succulents from leaves, only some are fit for this. Use succulents
whose leaves pop off easily. Select a healthy, whole leaf and pop it off, then
let it sit on soil (not in!). Ignore it for a while and eventually it will
produce new roots! For pups, treat them like offshoots (they are a type of
offshoot), but do not water for at least a week after repotting. This
encourages healthy root development.
Diagnosing plants can be tricky. Below are some common
symptoms and potential causes. Be sure to research the plant in question, as
some plants are more susceptible to certain illnesses, pests, or conditions.
YELLOWING LEAVES – too much/not enough light, high
temperature, root bound
YOUNG LEAVES – not enough
light, overfertilization, mineral deficiency
OLD LEAVES – overwatering,
natural aging, root bound, root rot, major element deficiency
DEAD OR YELLOW SPOTS ON LEAVES – fungal, bacterial, or viral
infection, fluoride toxicity, pesticide damage
IRREGULAR – pesticide damage,
cold water damage, thrips, air pollution
MOSAIC PATTERN ON LEAVES – viral infection, high temperature,
pesticide damage, major element deficiency
VERY DARK, LIMP LEAVES – cold/frostbite injuries, crushing,
SMALL LEAVES – low light (in conjunction with spindly stem),
too much/not enough fertilizer, low humidity, root rot
WILTED/DROOPING LEAVES – overwatering,
underwatering (soil pulling away from side of pot), overfertilization, root
rot, stem rot, root bound
ABNORMAL SUBSTANCE ON LEAF
WHITE, POWDERY – powdery
BLACK, PATCHY – sooty mold
STICKY – insect activity,
natural secretion by plant
STEM ROTTED – fungal or bacterial disease
AT SOIL LINE – overwatering
ABOVE SOIL LINE – sunburn
TALL, THIN STEM – not enough light
SLOW GROWTH – not enough light, compacted soil, too much/not
enough fertilization, too much/not enough water, root rot
NO ROOTS – unsuccessful cutting
ROOTS CLOSE TO SURFACE – hot surface, overwatering, compacted
DARK, LIMP ROOTS – overwatering, overfertilization, root rot
basilicum, 6-8 hours full sun, frost sensitive, likes warm conditions, easy
to grow from seed or cuttings, likes moist (not wet!) soil
trifasciata, indestructible, rhizomatous, drought tolerant, neglect
tolerant, medium indirect light (perfect indoor/bathroom plant!), propagate
through offshoots or leaf cuttings
6-8 hours indirect sunlight, sunburn sensitive, frost sensitive, prone to root
rot, needs cactus/succulent soil, picky about water (water when dry to
1.5”-2”/3.5-5 cm), propagate through pups
zebrina, I DIDN’T NAME THIS, 4-6 hours full/indirect sun, likes warm
conditions, overwatering tolerant (avoid watering directly on leaves),
propagates easily through cuttings
officinalis, 6-8 hours full sun, likes warm conditions, frost sensitive, somewhat
drought tolerant, prone to root rot, prone to powdery mildew, difficult to grow
from seed, grows somewhat readily from cuttings
angustifolia, 6-8 hours full/indirect sunlight, prefer warm conditions,
frost sensitive, overwatering sensitive, prefer drier conditions, somewhat
difficult to grow from seed, grows somewhat readily from cuttings
MINTS–Mentha spp.(piperita –peppermint,spicata– spearmint),MUST BE POTTED, WILL TAKE OVER GARDEN, prune regularly, full
sun/partial shade, likes somewhat moist soil, grows extremely rapidly, somewhat
difficult to propagate from seed, propagates easily through cuttings
SAGE–Salvia officinalis, prefers warm conditions, 6-8 hours
full/indirect sun, likes pruning, somewhat drought tolerant, somewhat difficult
to grow from seed, propagates readily from cuttings
Summary: It’s a hot summer day and your boyfriends have an unorthodox method of trying to keep you cool.
Genre: smut, pure smutty threesome, goodness, Poly!yoonseok
Warnings: graphic depictions of sex, dirty talk, ice play
The sun was already shining high in the sky when your eyes fluttered open. The overwhelming heat of the day had your shirt soaked to your skin. You groaned, reaching over to chug the glass of water on the table next to you. But the room temperature water wasn’t enough to satisfy your thirst. “It’s so fucking hot.” you mumbled as you slid off your mattress. The sheets were crumpled in a pile on the floor, somehow the 3 of you managed to kick them off the bed in your sleep.
You padded down the hallway and the familiar sounds of your boyfriends arguing rang through your ears. Yoongi and Hoseok were on opposite sides of the spectrum. Fire and ice. Water and oil. But there was something about you that brought the two of them together.
Hoseok’s eyes immediately fell onto yours as you entered the living room, “Tell Yoongi you want to go to the beach today. He’s being a lazy ass and won’t let us go.”
You chuckled, “The beach does sound nice, Hobi. But it’s probably going to be packed.” you squeezed his shoulder gently as you made your way to the fridge and out of the corner of your eye you could see him pouting. Clearly not happy that you were siding with Yoongi in this democratic household.
“See, I told you she wouldn’t want to go.” Yoongi teased as he laid back down on the floor, a gummy smile spread across his glistening face. He stared at you with mischief in his eyes, but the thought of intertwining limbs in this heat sounded like the worst possible idea, no matter how hard he made you cum.
You opened the door to the freezer, finding sweet relief in the blast of cool air rushing towards your skin. It was days like this when you cursed your boyfriends for letting them talk you into this place. Your apartment was beautiful, and you loved it, but it didn’t have A/C. So every summer the three of you wandered across the apartment in various states of undress, hoping that the lack of clothing encasing your skin will offer relief.
I need a cooking show where the contestants are tasked with recreating fictional dishes
“Make this dish that showed up in that anime one time - it looks like this and it’s slightly spicy. This is all we know” *shows big picture on a screen*
“Your task today is to make a health potion. It should be able to stay preserved for a week in room temperature, at least. But it’s not like we can really check that on a 1 hour show. Still, keep it in mind”
and then the old man who lives alone with two dogs and a cat wins, and the gamer and the anime nerd look at him in horror whispering “how…” to themselves
For Ash’s 2k writing challenge! As you can probably guess by the title, I chose the
bubble bath prompt. I hope you all enjoy reading it, and let me know what you
think! Also, I’m not sure why on some, the “keep reading” thing isn’t visible. So if you can’t see it, just go to my blog. The full post is there. 😉
Summary: Negan has been
stressed out lately, so you decide to give him a night of relaxation… ;)
Warnings: NSFW, Smut, Swearing,
Negan & You
Living at the sanctuary was usually great.
Most everyone here got along pretty well, with the exception of a few
ungrateful workers. As one of Negan’s wives, you had no right to complain. Life
was pretty much as great as it could be, given the circumstances. Negan and the
Saviors had found you in the woods one day, half out of your mind and very
sick. They brought you back, gave you a place to stay, food, medicine, and
well, exactly what it’s called. They gave you a sanctuary.
This is a dish for everyone to enjoy, it’s gluten free and I offer vegan alternatives. It servers six typically. This pudding is best when the rice is still warm but honestly it’s yummy cold too, so any leftover can be kept for a day or two. You can experiment with whatever soft fruits you have on hand if you want, raspberries, blueberries, apricots, have all been tried and are tasty! Enjoy.
Ingredients For The Strawberry Layer
200 g./7 oz. of wild strawberries, store bought works too!
2 handfuls of rose petals or 2 tbsp of rose water.
Please don’t use store bought rose water most are essential oils(not the 100% grade) mixed with water, or do your research first! Use fresh rose petals if using roses and make sure they weren’t grown in polluted areas or covered in pesticides!
3 tbsp confectioners sugar
A large sprig of mint
Ingredients For The Rice Pudding
2 tsp vanilla extract(tbh just do it to taste I usually do 3)
125 g./4.5 oz. pudding rice
short grain white rice is what I typically use but if you can splurge and buy pudding rice it’s delicious
800 ml./27 oz. whole milk
I would recommend almond milk as the vegan replacement or rice milk but whatever you have on hand should work
250 ml./8.5 oz. heavy cream
This is a bit more difficult to substitute, you can use coconut cream or make your own by letting full fat coconut milk settle at room temperature and skimming the cream once it rises to the top. You can also use blended silken tofu as well, medium and firm varieties work best!
50 g./2 oz. caster(regular) sugar
If you’re using store bough strawberries, slice any large ones in half and keep the smaller ones whole. For wild strawberries, gently rinse and drain.
Place the strawberries into a bowl with the rose petals or rosewater, the confectioners sugar, and the sprig of mint torn up into smaller pieces. Let it settle for around a half an hour to forty-five minutes for the flavors to combine.
In a pan, mix the rice, cream, milk, vanilla, and sugar together.
Place the pan on a medium heat and bring to a simmer, do not let it boil. Stir gently for approximately 30. minutes, until the rice is soft and tender and has absorbed most of the liquid. The pudding should be fairly liquid in texture, but it will thicken as it cools. Add a little more milk if it starts to look too thick before the rice is sufficiently cooked.
Remove the mint from the strawberry mixture and stir to combine the flavors.
Serve in a glass or bowl layering the strawberries and rice pudding to make a pretty parfait! Garnish with a few wild strawberries, fresh rose petals, and a small mint leaf. Or don’t garnish and just shove it in your face like I do!
Prompt: Hi! I was wondering if you could do a Stiles smut where the reader and Stiles are like, lab partners or something, and Stiles has been mumbling really dirty stuff to you for weeks, and you finally tell him to do something, and then it’s really hard and rough. Thanks so much!!
You’re my first request and my love for you extends wayyyy past the galaxy. You are the best beautiful! I hope this is what you wanted and I didn’t know if you wanted to be tagged. If not, let me know:) @pick-the-petalst
A/N: Also, just wanted to thank everyone for 130 followers! It might not be much to anyone else, but I didn’t think I’d even have 1 so I am more than grateful! You all are magnificent beauties and I hope you all have an extraordinary day. Much love 💕
(Gifs are not mine)
“Those jeans are looking extra tight today.” His lips grazed the outer shell of your ear as his hand slid onto your thigh. “Definitely makes me wonder what they would look like on the floor of my bedroom.”
Your breath caught in your throat. Yes, this had been going on for weeks now but it always affected you. Stiles had become your lab partner at the beginning of the semester and at first, you thought that it might actually go well. He seemed like a smart kid and even though Harris liked to torment him about failing his class, Stiles didn’t seem to be having any trouble.
All that went downhill about two days into your partnership.
You had just arrived into class wearing a new skirt that you had recently bought over the weekend. It was black and faux leather. You knew that it was a little short, but it wasn’t too bad that you thought people would notice.
The second you sat down in your seat he was leaning over to you. “Damn, I didn’t know you could get any hotter babe.”
“Excuse me?” You questioned raising your eyebrow at him.
“Oh, Princess, we can excuse ourselves right now and I can show you just how a man treats a lady.” He whispered against the side of your cheek.
You had always thought that Stiles was hot. Hell, he was super sexy, especially when he would wear his baseball cap flipped backward and his unlimited amount of flannels. But, right now, you didn’t know whether to be turned on, flattered, or appalled.
You turned your face to glare at him, but he was already giving you the once-over with his eyes.
You didn’t want it to be, but unfortunately, your teenage hormones got the best of you and heat rose to your cheeks.
“We have never spoken one word to each other and that’s what you start with?” You questioned hoping that he wouldn’t notice the redness that was dawning on your face.
But he did. Of course, he did.
Slowly, a grin curled onto the side of his thin pink lips. His eyes raked the length of your body at an agonizingly sluggish pace causing you to squirm in your seat. He took notice in that too because as he met your eyes a smirk was slipped on his mouth.
“All those dirty little thoughts that are going through that pretty little head of yours could be a reality. Just say the word and I’ll take you on this desk right now.” His eyes shined with pure honesty in his words and suddenly the room was the temperature of the sun. Heat crawled down your neck, past your heavy breasts, through the tingling sensation in your belly, and made its home in your core. The wetness already seemed to be dampening your panties.
As if he would smell your arousal, he leaned in closer. “Say the word Babygirl.”
You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t even move afraid that a moan would slip from your lips. How did this man have so much power of you with just words?
“Stilinski! Attention to the front! Please don’t bother miss L/N.” Harris yelled breaking Stiles’s intense stare he had on you.
As his eyes left you, you took in a deep breath.
“Yes sir, wouldn’t dream of bothering her.”
But that is exactly what he had in mind. He wanted her all bothered. Hot and bothered and wriggling underneath him while moaning his name.
You tried not to look at him, but curiosity got the best of you and you peeked at him. He was already staring at you, but this gave him the chance to rile you up some more.
He sent you a wink right as the bell rang.
Now, weeks later it has been a constant one-sided flirtation with a huge dose of lust sprinkled in every sentence that flowed from his amazingly beautiful mouth.
Not that you thought his mouth was beautiful, or that it could do beautifully dirty things as it scrapped the inside of your thighs. No, you had never thought of that.
Let’s all be honest with each other, it wasn’t a normal Monday if that thought didn’t go through your head at least twice.
Today, was no different.
“Those jeans are looking extra tight today.” His lips grazed the outer shell of your ear as his hand slid onto your thigh. “Definitely makes me wonder what they would look like on the floor of my bedroom.”
“It definitely makes me wonder when you’re going to shut your mouth.” You muttered knowing that he could hear you as you continued to finish your chemistry worksheet.
“Sweetheart, is that the only thing you want my mouth to do?” It was as if he had read your mind and your pencil halted in writing the sentence it was currently on.
REQUEST: Can u write a fan fic about the girl owning a flower shop and Harry coming in to get flowers for someone else but then they fall in love because love is beautiful like a flower
Started writing this oneshot and it turned into four oneshots. I changed it up a bit, but I hope you enjoy. x
The first time that Harry came to her shop, she barely said a word to him.
She knew when she opened her flower shop that Harry Styles lived nearby. It’s basically all that her friends back home could talk about when she announced where she was moving—they were diehard fans, and a few of them even begged her to take them with her so that they could meet the infamous Harry Styles.
She wasn’t shy, and she wasn’t one to get starstruck when face to face with a celebrity (not that she’d ever really met one). But the first time of many that Harry Styles walked into her flower shop, he was on a date.
His date wasn’t a big name or anything, and didn’t look familiar at all. But he was very much enthralled with her—he seemed like the kind of man to give you all his attention when he’s set aside time for you, and that was something she rarely ever really saw. She busied herself behind the counter of the shop, counting receipts and moving some stuff around so that she didn’t look like she was eavesdropping, which she wasn’t.
The shop that she owned wasn’t very big at all—it was just big enough to hold a small greenhouse garden in the back that she used to grow her flowers, as well as the storefront where she sold them (among the shipments she received from other greenhouses that were much larger than her own). It wasn’t exactly LARGE by any standards but she enjoyed it that way. Except it meant that there really wasn’t anywhere to hide, so when Harry Styles and his date decided to walk around and look at her bouquets, she couldn’t help but overhear.