My favorite number from Hamilton has always been Satisfied, from which the line about realizing “three fundamental truths[?] at the exact same time” was particularly apt as I sat on the long, lonely subway ride home from the airport.
1. On the ride back all I wanted to do was plonk down at home and play video games or message boys so I wouldn’t have to process everything that’s happened this week—which is when I suddenly realized that all of those were distractions. Games or news or essays or messaging new boys: all these just me from further developing a relationship, instead of cycling through the same motions of lure, enticement, then the inevitable fizzle or discard.
Background: Just before going to a rooftop party to watch the Empire State Building light-up for our graduation [Wed], Carian urgently messaged me again and we had a talk over quick dinner in Ktown. I’d introduced him to a couple of my friends […ok it was basically a double date] on Monday, and ended up staying over that evening; we talked about that, and where exactly we stood; for some reason I’m not sexually attracted to him[/anything?] lately, and he was sad about it because he felt like it meant I didn’t care about him [because apparently I make him super crazy??]. It was disarmingly honest and I didn’t really know how to reply, but I told him how I felt [ambivalent but willing to try], and he walked me to the building where the party was and gave me a card for graduation before heading home.
In the card were two tickets to a Brahms concert at Lincoln Center for this coming Tuesday. Given that I know now how prone I am to escapism, I’m going to try harder to make this work and see where it goes.
2. Yesterday was such a wonderful day with my family, even though I made them walk to exhaustion across Manhattan; we covered FiDi, the Met, Chinatown, and Times Square, but toward the end my sister gave an outburst about how I never listen to her. I think this time it really did get through to me; even if I think that there’s no reason for her to be so touchy/insecure, it makes a lot more sense to try and understand and adapt to her than the other way around, as a capacity issue, as we should listen to the broken teenagers.
Also my parents took me to Costco this morning and we went shopping together as a family [and got me my first new laptop in 6 years!!], so I’m just all-around super grateful for having the family that I have and need to be more cognizant of that.
3. Graduation was all kinds of numbing sadness that I’m still not quite sure how to articulate. The packed University Commencement was gazing across a priceless pool of human talent and ingenuity swathed in sky blue, facing the immensity of encroaching darkness ahead. Every dean that spoke emphasized the capacity for good that we have in the world, but the unspoken undercurrent is the countercultural odds we face in struggling to revitalize crumbling institutions. Maybe this vague sense of intellectual suffering is what most people have in common?