ron burgundy

Fun with Action Figures

tallulah99 to Jamaica with her actual husband, not her imaginary Cumberspouse, for a week. I was left on my own. With a key to her house.

I was to get the mail and keep her house from burning to the ground, that sort of thing. But that’s no fun.

So I brought Ron Burgundy over to Tallulah’s to play.

Initially, he had some issues with the place.

“There are no damn cookies in this cookie jar! Who is responsible for this?!”

Look at that eyebrow. The Tenth Doctor could not be enjoying this piggyback ride any less.  

Things didn’t go much better with Martha Jones. “There’s no need for tears. I didn’t say that you were the worst companion. It’s just that you were no Donna Noble. That’s all I’m saying.”

Tallulah has an impressive collection of really cool toys high-end collectible figures. Like John Watson here, who was the next to meet Ron.

“And Sherlock was just, like, beating the corpse? With a riding crop?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just like that.”

“Great Odin’s raven! That escalated quickly.”

Pretty much my entire childhood is on the shelves in Tallulah’s nerd cave.

“YES! PLAY ‘RAINBOW CONNECTION’ AGAIN! I’ll accompany you with some soulful jazz flute.”

Tallulah also has just about the entire cast of Firefly. Not that I’m jealous. Anyway, Ron and Jayne hit it off really well.

“I love beer. Beery, beer, beer. Here it goes down, down into my belly.”

Wolverine likes to party almost as hard as Ron does, and he’s just as good at Gagnam Style.

All good parties eventually end, though, and some sooner than others - too much beer gives Ron the bubbleguts. “Son of a bee sting. I think I just pooped a Cornish game hen!”

Ron filled the bowl but found his hands were too little to flush the handle. What to do? There was only one solution.

“This is what you call an upper decker. I learned that from MacGruber. It was pretty much the greatest movie ever made. The audience laughed 60% of the time, every time.” 

Thor was irked that Ron used the last of the toilet paper but didn’t put out a new roll. “We must all be Asgardians! Always replenish the Charmin!”

Speaking of Asgard, Tallulah owns more Lokis than I can count. Again, not that I’m jealous.

Amazingly, after just ten minutes with Ron, that Loki kid was back on the right path, ready to repair broken relationships and make amends for all the damage he’d done. It turns out all he needed all along was a muscular hug from a strong male figure who smelled of Blackbeard’s Delight. It was like he had been freed from a glass case of emotion.

Ron did, however, think it was a little outrageous how much bigger Loki’s staff was than his.

Ron found some creepy little angel thing hiding on Tallulah’s back shelf. It all worked out okay in the end - Ron can’t blink, because if he did, he might miss something on his teleprompter. Also, he’s made of molded plastic and does not have eyelids.

This little guy charmed Ron. Ron told BB-8 all his secrets, like how he once saw Brick kill a guy with a trident, and how he used to believe that “diversity” was an old, old ship used during the Civil War era.

That was not nice, Kylo Ren. You have to take turns when you want to talk to BB-8. I don’t care how important it is that you discover Rey’s whereabouts.

“Screw you Star Wars guys. I’m going to the princess castle!”

“This is so much better. I really needed to air m’boys out. They were beginning to smell like a used diaper filled with Indian food.”

It’s not easy to keep up with the beauty routines of the average Disney princess. Ron found the taint waxing to be particularly problematic.

Overall, though, Ron enjoyed his time with the Princesses and the Barbies… until the unfortunate vehicular manslaughter incident forced him to go into deep cover, hiding among the tchotchkes and the garden gnomes.

“Go away! Can’t you see I’m busy trying to be on this beautiful blue troll? His eyes are like stars and his beard smells like cinnamon buns!”