roll-on-4:20

rip I haven’t even tried finding Shaun and I’ve already romanced Preston

Frat DnD Hilights 2
  • Cleric: I toss the light-stone into the crypt! *Rolls 20*
  • Me: You have spent entirely too much time skipping rocks, as such you rebound the rock against three pillars and two skeletons before it comes to a clean stop in the center of the room.
  • Cleric: ...So I can see them all?
  • Me: Yes.
  • ---------
  • Fighter: I WANT TO SING 'EVERY TIME WE TOUCH' AS WE CHARGE INTO BATTLE!
  • Me: You're not a bard, but screw it roll Performance.
  • Fighter: OKAY. *Mediocre roll*
  • Me: Well you don't exactly remember the words but you can hum furiously while fighting.
  • Fighter: AWESOME.
  • -----------
  • All The Dwarves: So...can we use the Elf as a weapon?
  • Me: ...Hey Elf what's your Armor Class?
  • ---------
  • Cleric: I want to bless the bomb.
  • Me: The bomb that was made illegally by an alchemist who clearly was no bomb expert and hastily threw something together in twelve hours?
  • Cleric: Which is why I want to bless the damn thing.
  • ----------
  • Me: You stare into the Skeleton Warrior's empty eye sockets and see only the cold black abyssial Void staring back at you.
  • Fighter: I WANNA INTIMIDATE IT.
  • Me: Alright intimidating a skeleton that's-
  • Fighter: NO! I wanna intimidate the Void.
  • Me: ...The cold black unfeeling existential darkness?
  • Fighter: Yeah that.
  • Me: Fuck it why not.
  • Fighter: *nat 20*
  • Me: .........You stare into the Abyss and it absolutely stares back. Given your ever-shifting mental state you don't take in the abstract and horrifying nature of oblivion but rather stand defiantly, blatantly giving shape to the shapeless and a name to something that should not be named. At the End of All Things something turns, being actively defied by a mortal, and it hesitates. It cannot stand even an unwitting rival and it will react accordingly - because a primal force made afraid is a terrible sight to behold.
  • Fighter: So I intimidate it?
  • Me: Yup.
  • Fighter: Awesome.
  • Cleric: Oh my god we are going to die.
  • --------------
  • Me: The ghouls retreat into their tunnel.
  • Cleric: Well if ever there was a time for that bomb, let's seal them in!
  • Me: Alright let's see how this thing goes. *Nat 20*
  • Me: *sets up Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture Finale*
  • Me: The alchemist, having known nothing about proper explosives, pretty much tossed in every volatile horrible thing he could into the 'bomb.' And as your God looks favorably on grandstanding gestures of epic stupidity, he extends his mighty claw down to bless this bomb. You hear a distant roar and a blinding light before the cleansing fire erupts through the Ghoul Tunnels. Above ground, a number of graves explode outward while dozens of ghoul corpses charred beyond recognition fall and litter the graveyard while ash quietly falls in the aftermath.
  • Cleric: Holy shit we have another one of those.
  • -------------
  • Fighter: Rob him!
  • Cleric: No! He'll kill the HELL out of us.
  • Fighter: Hey if you're going to do something stupid at least see it through like I do!
  • ------------
  • Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf: ...So to appease the Void we're gonna sacrifice the Fighter.
  • Me: ...Yeah alright make the rolls.
  • Fighter: *is murdered in his sleep*
  • Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf: Wow that was....well, we're all in tender emotional states. See you next time. *they exit*
  • Me: ...Hey, Fighter.
  • Fighter: Sup.
  • Me: ...Want to be the Avatar of the Void and fuck shit up on a global scale?
  • Fighter: Would it be me doing more stupid shit with no reason with godlike powers?
  • Me: Pretty much.
  • Fighter: I love you Skippy.
10

Endless List of Favorite Characters: Curie (Fallout 4)

“I am a Contagions Vulnerability Robotics Infirmary Engineer, or CVRIE. The human scientists call me Curie. Or more properly, they called me this when they were alive.”

  • My child, someday: Mommy will you tell me a bedtime story?
  • Me: Alright… it’s the summer of 2001. Joe meets Patrick, and he’s like “Yo, I know about music.” And Patrick’s like “Yo, I know more about music.” “That’s impossible. Do you wanna start a band?” And Patrick’s like “Yeah, that’s cool.” And then he’s like “Yo, this is a book store. It’s not a music store.” And then they met at Patrick’s house. So Patrick’s wearing shorts and socks and a hat. Patrick is playing drums for some fuckin reason. And Pete’s there for some reason. They start playing music together, and they’re like “Oh, let’s play some fuckin covers from some other bands!” It was like Green Day, and fuckin Misfits, and fuckin Ramones. Pete said to Joe “Yo, we gotta change this shit up… Yo, we played all these bands. Let’s play shit from Fall Out Boy.” And so Pete and Patrick are like “Yo, that’s dope. But we need a fuckin drummer!” Because Patrick’s playing drums and he’s a singer. Patrick’s like “Yo, I got a soul voice.” And they’re like “Wait, how do you have a soul voice?” And he’s like “Yo, watch this. YEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAAAHHHHH!” And they’re like “Oh my god! That sounds like soul!” So they put in in the song, and it was like “WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHT?!” And then they’re like “Yo, that’s fuckin perfect. This is Fall Out Boy.” And they made records like… “Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend.” “Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend” and everybody loves it. It’s called “Eating Out Your Girlfriend.” And it’s real and it doesn’t matter. And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe, and he was like “Yo, what the FUUUUCK?! Yo, this is gonna be fuckin DOOOOPE!” So they made a record, and it was called “Take This to Your Grave.” They made it without a drummer! And they had like three, four drummers come in. The four drummers they had come in were like… Josh Freese… Neil Peart… the dude from Toto… the fourth one was like the guy from Papa Roach or something. And they’re like “Yo, we need Andy Hurley.” “Andy Hurley. ‘Take This to Your Grave.’ Fuckin record it.” And he did it. And he killed it. And he was like “BIGIDIGIDILILILLL PSSSHHH!” Killin the skins. Tappin the skins. Tappin the rim. Playin the shit. Killin these bitches. Rappin it out. “We should get signed to Fueled by Ramen. Cuz these guys know what the fuck is goin on.” And they were like “Yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not fuckin hard, we will sign you guys.” And he was like “YO, we got this record that’s fuckin dope, dude. It’s called ‘Take This to Your Grave.’ It’s called ‘From Under the Cork Tree’ and it’s gonna be huge.” And then Patrick’s like “I gotta keep it real. I gotta keep it artistic. These are three songs that are gonna make the ablum: it’s called “Thnks fr th Mmrs,” “Twenty Dollar Nosebleed,” and “Sugar, We’re Goin Down.” And they made this record that was fuckin dope. And it fuckin hit on the charts like 1, 2, 3… 3, 2, 1… 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… 10 to 1! “From Under the Cork Tree” sold like four million records! …10 million records! …15 MILLION RECORDS! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick was like “That’s GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Pete was like “Yo, FUCK YOU! I can do whatever I want.” Joe was like “Yeah, it’s cool, man, whatever, I don’t give a shit.” And then Andy was like “Eh… cool.” And Pete was like “Makeup is fuckin great for a guy. Because it makes a guy look beautiful. Which, a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful. And I wanna change that. I wanna make sure that everybody thinks that guys are beautiful.” Pete was like “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed about this dick pic!” And then I saw the dick pic, and I was like “Eh, it’s not bad.” It’s not a bad dick. Let’s be real. We made Rolling Stone one issue before Fall Out Boy. And Fall Out Boy made the issue right after us, and they were so pissed! They were like “Yo, fuck you guys!” They were like “YO! Panic! has the fucking cover of Rolling Stone?! Yo, FUCK THESE DUDES! We’re gonna fucking go MILES above! We’re gonna hit every fuckin continent there is known to man!” But they didn’t! Because they missed a second of time. Apparently. They were like “Oh shoot, we got every continent.” And they didn’t actually hit it. And Pete was like “What the FUCK?!” Oh you didn’t fucking make the continent… it’s like FUCK YOU! So “From Under the Cork Tree” happens. We fuckin have three, four years of awesomeness. People are cumming on themselves because it’s so big. So Fall Out Boy was like… So Patrick was like “Yo, we’re gonna name these records ‘From Under the Cork Tree’ and ‘From Infinity on High.’” Pete was like “Yo, ‘Folie à Deux’ means the theatric of two.” Fall Out Boy was like “Yo, we gotta take a break.” Meaning Pete was like “Yo, we gotta take a break, bruh.” And Patrick’s like “I need time for my music!” And Joe’s like “Yo. I need time to find the fuckin art, dude. I gotta find some fuckin metal.” And Andy’s like “I’m just gonna play with some fuckin metal bands!” And they’re like “Alright, this break’s been like three years long… two years long… three years long… three and a half? We gotta fucking come back, man. We gotta come back STRONG!” “We gotta make this shit legit. It’s gonna be fuckin dope. It’s gonna go fuckin sky high! We’re gonna make a fuckin record that sails the skies! We’re gonna call this record 'Save Rock and Roll.'” So they made “Alone Together,” “Light ‘Em Up,” “Alone Together,” “Phoenix.” And everybody’s like “What the fuck?! You’re working with this guy who fuckin recorded Avril Lavigne and Pink.” Pete was like “Yo, we’re gonna end up on tour with Panic! at the Disco and Twenty Pilots.” And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that’s just how the fuckin story goes.