roll 30

I like to imagine that any time any of them make ridiculously high rolls with ridiculously high modifiers, Matt has a sit and a think about how overpowered he’s allowed these characters to get in some aspects. He takes a sip of whiskey every Thursday night when he gets home and stares in the corner and whispers “maybe they are gods” And then Marisha cackles in her sleep, dreaming of diving off cliffs in glee.

Simmons is annoyed Red Team always indulges in Donut’s weird activities, so after several months of not shutting up about it, he convinces them to have a DND night. It does not go well.

Don't ever leave the table in the middle of an argument...

I’m DMing Pathfinder for a group of six players (around level 7) whose characters don’t really see eye-to-eye. They had just taken down a boss with a sleep arrow and were discussing whether they should kill him or let him live.

LG Monk (IC): I say we let him live. Killing him only makes us as bad as him. And anyway we need to question him.

Rogue (IC): But if we let him live nothing will change.

Oracle (IC): I agree.

LG Monk (IC): No. No I won’t let you. We’ll question him and take him to the guards.

OOC the guy who plays the monk goes to the bathroom.

While he is gone:

Rogue (OOC): Can I stealth and then make a Coup de Grace attempt on him without (LG Monk) seeing?

DM (Me): Oh my God, OK, give it a shot.

*Rogue proceeds to roll an insane Stealth check (somewhere in the 30s) and roll huge damage on the attack.*

DM (Me): *laughing* OK, Jesus, yeah. You fire an arrow straight into the unconscious man’s skull. He is well and truly dead.

The monk’s player returns to the table.

DM (Me): Hey, can I get you to make a perception check real quick.

LG Monk (OOC): (Assuming he’d just missed something) Yeah sure, that’s a uhhh… 16?

DM (Me): Yeah ok, never mind.

LG Monk (OOC): Right, I pick the man up and put him on my shoulder. We can take him somewhere safe to question him.

At this point the rest of the party is trying really hard to keep from laughing. The monk is getting suspicious.

LG Monk (OOC): Actually I’ll try to wake him up here. I give his face a slap.

DM (Me): As you go to slap his face you see the shaft of an arrow protruding from his skull, his face is covered in blood.

LG Monk (OOC): WHAT! (Looks at the people giggling around the table) I SENSE MOTIVE THE PARTY!!!

Everyone rolls terrible Bluff checks.

DM (Me): The rest of the party bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

LG Monk (OOC): GUYS! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!

OOC everyone actually bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The next session that player swapped characters. He said playing someone Lawful Good wasn’t a good fit for the party. He was definitely right.

The Signs as Rock Bands

ARIES: Nickelback

TAURUS: 30 Seconds to Mars

GEMINI: The Rolling Stones

CANCER: U2

LEO: Led Zeppelin

VIRGO: Nirvana

LIBRA: Radiohead

SCORPIO: Pink Floyd

SAGITTARIUS: Red Hot Chili Peppers

CAPRICORN: Muse

AQUARIUS: Linkin Park

PISCES: Green Day

You do what?

Context: I just joined a Homebrew 5e campaign and decided to be the party politician (aka the Bard). I had such high deception, and in the first meeting this happened.

DM: A single beautiful lady stands before you. Genshi and Orao (NPCs) freeze and step backwards.

Me: I wave and say hello. *A moment of silence passes*

DM: The lady seems unnerved. Orao tells you she is the queen of hell and Master of Deceit.

*Short battle follows where our party member who is a dragon flew into the air and I made false images of us to run past the goddess*

DM: So you all ran out of the crash zone.

Me: I’d like to make the me illusion blow the goddess a kiss.

Everyone: You do what?

DM after recovering from shock: She seems confused and stares at the false you.

*After dragon crashes and pins the goddess down*

Me: I’d like to hit on the goddess.

DM: You’re a girl character right? Okay, she is insulted that a lesser being is hitting on her.

*Even later*

Me: I’d like to convince her she’s actually into me.

Everyone: Good luck. Roll for it.

Me: 30 *Stunned silence. DM looks at my sheet. Rolls, buries his face in his hands, and sighs sadly*

DM: You just seduced the fucking Queen of Hell.

sakura please come home….

Beggin' For Thread (Bucky Barnes x Reader) Request! ❤

A/N: To the lovely anon that requested this brilliant idea!! I loved writing this because boxers in general are super comfy and look hell sexy, too. Especially on Bucky Barnes! :D Hope you guys like it!! ENJOY! - Delilah ❤

Beggin’ For Thread: Reader steals some of Bucky’s boxers during laundry day. But when he goes to her for comfort from a thunderstorm he gets a surprise.

 Warnings: Sex (M/F). Hurt/Comfort. Angst. 

Keep reading

How we made our DM hate our classes pt. 1

I was a half orc monk in the Ways of the Wicked pathfinder game run by a friend who was a two years above me in college. After avoiding it for about a year, the group finally decides to assault the fort we were sent to take down. I had failed a disguise check (we were given rings that allowed disguise self to be used at will) to look like a guard captain in front of another captain, and ended up alone on a rooftop with him. He would turn out to be the boss of the fort, complete with magic sword and plate armor. 

DM: The captain pulls his sword on you and asks who you are. What do you do?

Me: I want to disarm him with my mouth.

DM: … Ok, Roll CMB

ME: *succeeds*

DM: Ok, you rip the sword out of his hands with your mouth and toss it off the building. What now?

Me: How far is it to the walls around the fort?

DM: *checks* About 30 feet down and 20 feet away.

Me: Alright, I’m going to disguise myself as Malf (an npc gunslinger that nearly killed me earlier in the campaign) and jump to the nearest wall.

DM: Really? Not going to… Fine, roll acrobatics.

ME: *rolls 19* That’s 30 total.

DM: HOW!? You need a running start to…

ME: +11 acrobatics and monks have high jump at this level. I always count as having a running start.

DM: DAMN MONKS AND THEIR CRAZY ACROBATICS! Fine, you effortlessly jump across the gap and do a sick roll to land. Roll 3d6 for damage.

ME: Nope, slow fall 30 ft. No damage.

DM: *bangs head on laptop* I hate monks.