So we’re playing a homebrew system set in space. It’s pretty comedic. Our characters were going undercover to investigate a rival organisation - as technicians. The DM expected that we wouldn’t be able to take our weapons with us.

He was wrong.

One character stuck a bunch of spanners to her rifle, and then convinced security that this was what a spanner was with a successful Charisma roll. No questions asked.

Another got away with a rocket launcher by successfully arguing that he needed it for his job. He was a demolitions technician, apparently…

Two were robots, and so set off the metal detectors anyway. No questions asked.

The last one was the team doctor, who had two scalpels. These would have set off the metal detectors. However, it had already been established that the doctor was probably an eldritch abomination in human form, so the player argued the scalpels were probably not made of anything that man could understand.

The DM, already despairing over the first four, just let it through.

Gygax and Arneson were making it all up as they went along, and at first they expected other players to be able to do the same with minimal written suggestions.  These are the complete rules for giant insects, giant animals, dinosaurs, Pleistocene megafauna, and the wildlife of Barsoom from Dungeons & Dragons, Volume 2: Monsters & Treasure, 1974.

AC, Move in Inches, Hit Dice, % in Lair, Treasure Type = make it up yourself or take a vote at the table, but the number appearing will be 2-16, whatever they are.

This is why the Monster Manual was revolutionary when it appeared as the first volume of AD&D in 1977, moving the game toward Gygax’s vision of more codified complexity.

How to not suck at roleplaying

I posted this on my Facebook and people seemed to like it, so now it’s here too. Check out the detailed follow-up on fleshing out your character’s face by @eightysixsanity​.

Please note that this was originally written with World of Warcraft RP in mind, though a lot of it is applicable to RP in general.

Okay, look, I’m not some crazy talented writer or anything, but if you’re gonna RP on WoW, please follow at least a few of these simple tips:

1. Enough with the red eyes (non-standard for blood elves, come at me with this nonsense and I will fight you) and countless battle scars. There are other ways to make your character unique. Just try. HNGH PLEASE JUST TRY. And if they’re missing something important, like a limb, it has to impact them. They can’t be missing an eye and still have exceptionally perfect aim or whatever. Think about silhouette. Posture. Speech patterns. Mannerisms. EVERYTHING ELSE.

2. Your character doesn’t have to be an OP warrior. It’s okay if they’re not. In fact, it’s okay if they SUCK at fighting. It’s a huge world with many, many different roles to fill and some of them can be wonderfully mundane. We have enough One-Punch Men, trust me.

3. Give your character decent motivation. THEY’RE NOT BATMAN. ENOUGH WITH THE DEAD RELATIVES AND REVENGE PLOTS. FFS, okay, the brooding and the “my parents are deeaaaad” thing is overdone. Everyone’s parents are dead, especially if you’re a goddamn blood elf or draenei. Their motivation can be anything between “man I dunno everyone else is doing it” to “I have this job so I can afford alcohol.” Okay?!

4. Writing does not have to be 100% focused on romance, or even 1% focused on romance. Adventure is fun! Just interacting platonically with other characters is fun!! People will still talk to your character if they look “average” or even “ugly” as long as they don’t act like a sheet of cardboard! It spices things up! Long flowing blond hair and perfect skin and perfectly pressed robes are not necessities!

5. So help me god if your character walks up to mine and starts vomiting up their entire lineage and purple prose-y backstory, I will scream. I WILL SCREAM. YOU WON’T HEAR IT, but I WILL SCREAM. Leave SOMETHING of your character’s history secret, please, let it be interesting to get to know them outside of a short interaction.


This has been a PSA. Bye.

A couple friends and I were playing Pathfinder with modified rules, and our party of 5 was ambushed by a group of giant spiders while walking through the woods. 2 of them went after my 3’ 7" gnome monk, who has rope making as a craft. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I wrote down my rolls afterwords and this is what happened.

Me: I’m going to roll a craft check. *rolls 16*

DM: Okay, you’ve managed to put together about 10 feet of some pretty good quality rope.

Me: I’m going to try and lasso the closest spider. *rolls 15*

DM: Okay, you’ve got the spider by the neck.

Me: Can I roll a ride check?

DM: Go ahead.

Me: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: Okay, you jump up on top of the spider and have control of it with the lasso around it’s neck.

DM: It is now the spiders’ turn to attack. The spider tries to shake you off. *spider rolls a 3*

DM: The second spider jumps up and tries to knock you off. *second spider rolls a nat 1*

DM: Roll a luck check for me.

Me: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: The spider has failed so incredibly in its attack that it has entangled itself in the rope, and you have managed to gain control of it. You are now dual-mounting 2 spiders, with 1 foot on each and a lead around both of them.

More Random Sentence Starters
  • "I'm just saying, that bird looks a hell of a lot like Thor."
  • "Who told you you were allowed to use my computer? How did you even figure out my password? There's no way in hell you just guessed 'wreckmejustinbieber' all on your own."
  • "I reject the notion that I could ever be too old for Pokemon."
  • "I'm pretty sure that's a sign that you need a new bra."
  • "Can I adopt your dad?"
  • "If I'm ever in a coma, it's going to be your job to read me bedtime stories every night. And if you ever read me anything other than The Chronicles of Narnia, I'll die just so I can haunt you."
  • "Fuck you, Santa's real."
  • "It smells like death and regret; I would sooner kiss you than put my tongue on it."
  • "My cat said I can't go out with you this weekend, so it looks like you're flying solo."
  • "I was going to kiss him, but then my friend texted me about going to Taco Bell, and, well, there's this cashier that works there who is way cuter, so I bailed on the rest of the date."
  • "I would literally fight you for the last Oreo. To the death if it's double stuffed."
  • "Is it okay that I replaced his lube with hot sauce or did I over-react a little?"
  • "I want a really big bag of Cheetos or a sword sharp enough to kill a man—I'm not too picky."
  • "Why are you such a nerd?"
  • "My sister warned me about people like you, people who are always asking for tampons but never seem to have any to spare when you need one."
  • "I call eternal dibs on every copy of Twilight ever. I want every single copy in existence. All of them. Give them to me now."
  • "If your name was Pikachu I wouldn't even choose you."
  • "Does your dad know that he raised a furry? Does he feel deep shame for it?"
  • "Sherlock your way out of my house."
  • "She called her dog a whore so I kidnapped it to give it a better home, so this is your brand new, sorta stolen dog. If you call it anything other than fluffy, I will end you. I'm pretty sure it's a she. Also never take it to the park on Third."
  • "This tastes like a bachelor party gone wrong."
  • "I either want to set you on fire or make out with you, I can never tell."
Hercules (Disney) Starters:
  • “I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!”
  • “I’m a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.”
  • “At least out loud I won’t say I’m in love…."
  • “If? If is good.”
  • “I’ve got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke….and you are wearing his merchandise?”
  • “Well, you know how men are. They think ‘no’ means ‘yes’ and ‘get lost’ means ‘take me, I’m yours’.”
  • “Is Wonderboy here for real?”
  • “I’m an action figure!”
  • “Will you forget the head-slicing thing?”
  • “Aw, ______, don’t be such a stiff. Join the celebration!”
  • “So you took care of him, huh? ‘Dead as a doornail’, weren’t those your exact words?”
  • “People do crazy things when they’re in love.”
  • “For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.”
  • “She’s a fraud! She’s been playing you for a sap!”
  • “A guy can only take so much disappointment.”
  • “Dreams are for rookies, kid.”
  • “Are you always this articulate?"
  • “Pardon me. It seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.”
  • “You ought to slow down. You’ll work yourself to death.”
  • “Rule number 95; concentrate. Rule number 96; aim!”
How to get those drafts done and stay stress free

In the roleplay community I frequently see people posting their high draft counts for threads they say have been their for months. Now this is not a job and no one is obligated to complete those drafts, but I wanted to give some advice on how you can clear out your drafts and get those plots moving forward. Please note this is an advice post, no one needs to follow this advice. 

First of all, try not to take on more than you can handle. Drop things if you need too. But if you don’t take on more than you can handle you’ll be less likely to drop things. Sometimes it’s best to not make like for a starter posts if you already are feeling overwhelmed on a high draft count. Many make like for a starter calls when they don’t feel like tackling those drafts but doing this adds to your drafts. Like for a starter calls work best once you’ve completed drafts and want to take on some new things. If you really aren’t interested in doing drafts and really just want to do smaller stuff even put a limit on your starter call to stop from getting to overwhelmed. 

Second, take some time to focus on your drafts. Go into your drafts and pick one and begin to write. Don’t worry about finishing your reply in one go. Write what comes to you and then save it and move onto another and work on that one. You can come back and add more later. 

Avoid the dash when you do this because the dash is extremely distracting. If you can, I highly recommend writing replies somewhere else (like in a writing program). This keeps your focus on your replies and not on what’s happening on your dashboard. If listening to music helps you stay focused, do that too.

It also helps to not post completed replies immediately if you still have lots of drafts. Why? Say you have 45 drafts and you’ve just finished 5 of them and you then post those completed 5. Some people are very fast meaning you might very well be back at 45 drafts again within a day. Posting a few completed replies at a time like this will just keep your draft count at about the same number and you’ll end up feeling like you made no progress. I recommend building a queue or holding off on posting until you complete all drafts. Of course, there may be replies you want to get out immediately but it does help to keep most of them drafted until most are complete. 

This is some advice I thought of giving. Again, this advice is just advice. It’s not an order. I’ve just noticed a lot of people in the community overwhelmed by their draft counts. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. I believe we make it overwhelming by taking on too much and constantly adding more for ourselves to do. Following this method I have been very stress free when it comes to completing my drafts and you move forward with all plots at a steady pace. If this advice doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t. If it does, I hope put into practice it helps to make your roleplaying more enjoyable and less stressful.

Keith, God-Killer

I was DMing a short one-night campaign inspired by the song Hotel California, about a mysterious hotel in the desert where people vanished and couldn’t leave. The first thing the party did after waking up amnesiac, naked, and alone in a massage/sauna (Massauna) room was knock out the hapless, innocent, polo-shirted hotel worker, Keith. The party’s Lich, an insanely powerful and incredibly senile Lich named Gerdy Greenguts, took a liking to ‘Timmy’ and carried him with her through the entire campaign.

In a bizarre twist of fate, Keith found himself in a sky-blue, puppy-patterned onesie (Complete with footies and ass-flap), strapped in a makeshift baby sling on Gerdy’s surprisingly mighty back alongside a pink backpack with the words 'You Go Girl’ emblazoned on it in glitter- only the word 'Girl’ had been crossed out and covered in tape reading 'BOY’. Gerdy carried Keith, clad in naught but a onesie and a single sandal, through the entire campaign. Keith failed every CON roll he took to re-awaken, resulting in Keith not being awake for more than five seconds at a time throughout the ~6 hours our campaign lasted.

Well, come to find out that the 'Hotel Eagle’ was actually a front for a hungry desert god. After an unfortunate ending to several other NPCs that were somehow picked up by the party (Including Ron 'The Shitter’ and the hotel’s chief of security), Keith was given one last chance to wake up in the middle of the party’s final, climactic battle against the god himself. For the first time in nearly 6 hours, Keith woke up. Gerdy’s player asked if they could roll a persuasion check to see if ol’ Auntie Gerdy could convince 'Timmy’ to fight with them. I permitted them to roll for it. They rolled a critical success.

I was forced to spec Keith the Attendant. I rolled incredibly high on every one of his stats. A random class roll dictated that Keith would be a Pugilist, the game’s bare-handed fighting class. Keith’s history was thusly: A poor abandoned orphan, all Keith had to listen to growing up were the radio-broadcast exploits of his favorite professional wrestler. After picking up some hand-me-down boxing gear, Keith became a golden glove fighter at a young age. When his bus became lost on the way to his next fight, Keith wound up at the Hotel Eagle, and the security chief took pity on him and gave him a job. The backpack Gerdy had picked up had once been his own. Inside was a pair of pink boxing gloves. And so Keith, still clad in his onesie, scored the final blow against the Desert God known as the Trickster King. The Desert God’s ichor rained down upon Keith, turning his gloves and onesie pure gold, and the God’s final curse turned his once-soft blonde hair black and also gave him five o'clock shadow. The traumatic experience of being strapped to the back of a Lich turned Keith’s disposition cold and unfeeling, and thus, Keith, God-Killer, was born. 

They say that Keith still keeps in touch with ol’ Gerdy to this day.

if you want to know how to make my blood boil over, here’s how!

fucking christ it’s not about being realistic it’s about making fucking logical sense in a roleplaying game where internally consistent worldbuilding is kind of FUCKING IMPORTANT!!!

this is on the same level as this:

if you are a writer for a roleplaying game or a fucking writer in general, you should never just say “I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense!”

I mean, if anything you should be even MORE grounded when writing something that’s fantastic so that the audience feels invested and like the world they’re seeing is still tangible in some way. there need to be stakes.

just fucking christ i can’t stand this level of thumb up your ass bullshit

fun roleplaying times are ahead

@ribbonsosweet​ alright off to hell we go friend

This was not one of the many things that a princess should have to wake up to.

The teensy had heard of those accursed, horrid, and GROSS ogres-wait, did they have actual titles or names? … Oh, well, it didn’t matter to her. What did matter was news of the other regions of the glade being suddenly thwarted, pillaged, and all of its people kidnapped and held hostage. Her parents and people had tried to fortify themselves and prepare, knowing that such a fate would try and behold them. And… well…

… it certainly came.

The ginger-haired woman stepped away from her bedroom window, her hands reaching up to cover her mouth. The buildings outside were ablaze, their wares and treasures destroyed, and her kind being taken away in cages! No, no, this was horrible. This was unforgivable! Soon herself, her mother, and her father would-…

… Oh… oh, no.

“Mother!” cried out the young teensy. Feeling a rush both fuming with fear and rage, the girl burst out from her bedroom, her soft, beady eyes wide. “Father!”

She only stopped at the front of the staircase when she saw those… those THINGS breaking inside, the first floors already ruined and in a mess. The same was with the bedroom of her parents, the windows shattered and the furniture were in ruins. And her parents were nowhere in sight.

“No…” whispered the teensy. The princess backed away when she realized the beasts were garbling to each other about something, then proceeded to advance towards her up the stairs. “No!” She let out a glare, reaching back and grabbing a vase that was placed in the hall on a spare shelf. “Get away from me! Disgusting! Horrible beasts! You dungheads!”

The pottery smashed on the warted creature’s face, making him yell out and fall back, toppling over on the man right behind him.

The young princess then turned, running back into her untouched room. She had no idea why they had left her alone until now. Oh, well. What mattered now was her getting out here! Finding help! Or someone! Or… well… anything! Anything would do!

The teensy opened up her window, taking in a deep breath. However, when she looked outside and over the edge of destruction and fire, she immediately recoiled. “Aghh… C-come on. Come on. What are you, chicken? You got this. You got this…” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut with a whimper. It wasn’t that bad, right? No. No. It was fine. This was fine.

Nothing was fine what-so-ever.

With that in mind, the teensy without another thought leapt right out the window, holding the rim of her golden dress down as she did so. She still screamed out in fear, but she would do whatever it takes to get out here and get help! To get their heroes! No matter what!

☃ Christmas Inspired Starters ☃
  • “I wasn’t sure what to get you.”
  • “When did this turn into an ugly sweater party?”
  • “I wish it would snow.”
  • “Wake up! It’s Christmas!”
  • “It’s Christmas Eve. That means I can open a present right?”
  • “Is this eggnog spiked?”
  • “Can you help me untangle these lights?”
  • “You can’t put alcohol in the hot chocolate.”
  • “Surprise! I’m your Christmas present.”
  • “I’d rather spend Christmas with you.”
  • “Who’d you piss off to get invited to this party?”
  • “You cannot do what you did last year.”
  • “Is that supposed to be a snowman?”
  • “Can I put the tree topper on this year?”
  • “I dunno, this tree looks a little bare.”
  • “Of course I would love spending Christmas with your parents!”
  • “Is it considered Christmas wine if I drink it on Christmas?”
  • “That tree isn’t even going to fit in the house! Why did you buy it without measuring it first?”
  • “I’d rather be someplace warm.”
  • “I burnt the ham, let’s just order a pizza.”
  • “Why is there a reindeer on my front lawn?”
  • “None of these Christmas lights work.”
  • “I slipped and fell on the ice.”
  • “I’m not any good at ice skating.”
  • “Here, you can wear my gloves.”

Moar bears, this one the Undead Sharkenbear- it’s almost so cool, it’s unbearable! Designed by VALDIER, Illustration by SPIPES.
#gaming #gamer #RPG #hobby #roleplaying #roleplay #DnD #DungeonsandDragons #tabletop #tabletoprpg #tabletopgame #fantasy #d20 #dice #gamergram #GM #DM #oldschoolgames #oldschoolgamers #gamenight #gamenights #undead #geek #geeky #bear #shark #sharks