2 Dozen Wrestling Fannies
During the 2015 Road to Wrestlemania Fantasy League, a lot of wrestling got watched. NXT, Smackdown, Raw, and whatever PPVs happened to fall within the months-long buildup were all diligently watched and scored. B did all the scoring work, MML and I only worked on the former. Over this time, it began to feel like we really knew the performers…most specifically, their backsides. And since MML already wrote about nips, it seemed like it was time for my own look at derrières.
So as the WORLD gears up for this Sunday’s Royal Rumble, which every sport fan everywhere knows is the fantasy kickoff to 2016′s Road to Wrestlemania Fantasy League, Pretty OK is giving you the gift of asses. In no particular order:
Stupid butt. It might be alright, but I hate him too much. It’s hard to look at a butt when you’re rolling your eyes.
2. Adrian Neville
Ork Butt. It’s tight and muscular - things that might lead you to think it would be a favorable fanny, but I can’t get over his face. Incredible performer, insane moves, super nice dude, and I love watching him wrestle…
…but this is a list about aesthetics. And woof. I can’t enjoy his potential butt because of his face. And, yeah, I know; I’m the asshole.
Cowboy butt - square and flat. It looks OK in that pic above, but generally that butt’s resting bitch face looks like it’s holding in a fart. Except it looks like that all the time. How is your normal clenched, Miz Butt?
But at the end of the day, Miz is all about the face.
4. Seth Rollins
Coward Butt. One of the better butts in the WWE. It’s narrow and well proportioned…the better to roll out of the ring and runaway with. It’s like two lil mushrooms hiding under some vinyl.
5. Mark Henry
Behemoth butt. This butt does not play.
6. Kevin Owens
Candian butt #1. Big, round, and full of sass. I also love that it’s swathed in basketball shorts. Sass butt.
7. Sami Zayn
Are you kidding me with that mug?!
Canadian butt #2. Kitty face butt, which may as well translate to mediocre butt. There’s not a lot going on back there, which is why they had to draw a kitty face on his old pants…to trick viewers. New pants have forgone this and SZ’s backside is SUFFERING.
8. Curtis Axel
Out of bounds butt. He gets extra points for this. It’s hard to find images of this, but I’ve seen it in person. That butt is ready to party beyond his secret wrestling panties.
9. Dolph Ziggler
For those of you not familiar, that *ahem* moon above is Dolph Ziggler. He’s just too good. I can’t exactly say the same for his butt. I think the tagline might be “It’s just pretty ok.”
I have to give him points because I think I’ve seen more of DZ’s butt than any other ass in the WWE. BUT he loses infinite points for being in that dumb ass-kissing thing with Sheamus.
I am 100% not a fan of this BS
***Don’t get me wrong, I love people kissing on each other in all the RIGHT/WRONG places, but this “punishment” was couched in homophobia and just a general assault-y vibe. Yeah, I know it’s not the first time this gag has been pulled, but I also don’t think it constitutes a time-honored tradition. So put this one to bed, WWE.***
Heinous Sheamus. Glow-in-the-dark. Porcine pale. As with everything he’s involved with, I’m 100% turned off. League of Nations is a great name, but that’s all he has going for him. It’s certainly not his backside.
11. Brock Lesner
Boss monster, Jimmy John’s butt. He’s the bus driver to Suplex City, so sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s going on back there. But I think he’s strapped two giant hams to his thighs.
12. Big Show
Giant butt. Pretty simple. He’s a giant. And as such, his butt can suffocate you in a giant way.
The New Day
Maybe it’s because there are three butts holding down the fort, but New Day features a really well-rounded collection of butts. Their butts also have the best senses of humor in the entire WWE.
13. Kofi Kingston
14. Xavier Woods
15. Big E
The point is that these guys share an appreciation for booty. And I love that about them.
Cesaro is hot. His ass is frigging bananas good. I hate that he’s hurt. All of these comments have been endorsed and/or taken verbatim from Broc’s mouth while he wears a King of Swing t-shirt.
Some WWE butts are difficult to judge because they are hidden in disgusting cargo shorts/pants (John Cena*, the Usos [they may not have the pocket and be shiny plastic, but the effect is the same], Roman Reigns), jeans (Dean Ambrose, R Truth, Luke Harper, Braun Strowman), business trousers (Corporate Kane, kinda Bray Wyatt [although his ass looks like it’s swaddled in polyester sweatpants]). It’s not that I’m not looking or they don’t deserve individual notice, it’s just that wardrobe has made it really, hard for to objectify these men. I did the best I could despite the pants interference you see in the last 8 wrestlers (17-24). Pantserference.
17. Dean Ambrose
18. Luke Harper
19. Braun Strowman
20. Jimmy Uso 21. Jey Uso
22. Bray Wyatt
24. John Cena
*But there are other venues where you can learn about man mountains:
Frigging John Cena. Everybody loves this guy, even when they hate the schtick.
So Sunday - tune into the Royal Rumble. There’s obviously something for everybody.