The Spine: “Hey, you know, Hatchworth. I could’ve sworn your moustache only ate a part of your face. Now it seems to have taken over a half of it at least.” Hatchy: “They are really hungry.” x x x x x x
The Shadow the Hedgehog intro is just amazing. There is just so much crammed into one minute and forty five seconds.
We start off strongly - we have a four foot tall talking hedgehog wearing micky mouse gloves and rocket shoes loading a MP5 submachine gun.
He dramatically walks out in front of the biggest fucking moon ever (which seems to be fine even though half the moon was blown up in the game where Shadow was introduced) and pumps the fucking SMG.
We then have a couple of shots alternating between shadow riding a black harley (with a G.U.N. logo because black harleys are of course government issue) and aliens killing soldiers because a series about a blue hedgehog who runs fast needs both of these things.
Shadow of course crashes the bike into an alien which of course explodes. And then the lyrics start!
♫I see no, hear no evil Black writing on the wall♫
Close up of a soldier firing a machine gun practically into the camera, soldier then gets killed by more aliens
♫Unleashed a million faces And one by one they fall♫
Aliens pouring out of a glowing red wormhole in the sky
♫Black-hearted evil Brave-hearted hero I am all, I am all, I am♫
More general battle scenes, being watched by a disinterested/ambivalent Shadow because he’s just too fucking cool for that shit. He then just nonchalantly teleports away
Alternating shots of shadow contemplating life in a calm forest and firing a machine gun while screaming.
♫Here we go, buddy Here we go, buddy Here we go Here we go, buddy Here we go♫
In case you hadn’t noticed how incredibly out of place Shadow is to everything else that’s happening we’re shown the rest of the Sonic animal cast running together to remind us that this is a series about talking animals who run fast.
♫Go ahead and try to see through me Do it if you dare ♫
Shadow starts actually doing shit and performs a bunch of DBZ punches on the aliens while teleporting
♫One step forward, two steps back I’m here Do it… do it… do it… DO IT!♫
Shadow kills a bunch of human soldiers with a big energy blast
♫Can you see all of me?♫
Creepy alien overloard gestures his minions forward to unleash their wrath on the Earth while a ruined city burns in the background
♫Walk into my mystery♫
In a shot mirroring the previous one, a realistically rendered human general points his troops forward to repel the alien attackers. A blue hue and intact buildings in the back are used to hammer home the contrast. This is truly a fight for the survival of humanity
♫Step inside and hold on for dear life♫
Doctor fucking-egg-shaped Eggman orders his goofy-ass moustached robots to war with gestures again mirroring the previous two and the bounce away to fulfill it (those three shots together are probably my favourite part - except maybe the pump-action SMG at the start)
♫Do you remember me? Capture you or set you free♫
A giant space station that looks like Eggman’s bloody face charges up a big fucking laser
♫I am… I am, I’m all of me♫
Shadow standing over another soldier shaking in anger
♫I am… I am, I’m all of me I am… I am, I’m all of me♫
Sonic - who’s shit is severely fucked up - collapses, revealing Shadow holding a pistol who jumps past him into the camera - Shadow just shot Sonic in the back of the head
Perceptor needs to go on a mission in disguise for some reason and Brainstorm says he has just the thing to help so Perceptor’s expecting some sort of hologram but instead Brainstorm walks out of his workshop with a giant robotic moustache.