I have complied a masterpost of all of the intros, weathers and proverbs in WTNV so far (including live shows) and will hopefully add to this as new episodes get released
Intros - A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
The desert seems vast, even endless, and yet scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow.
The arctic is lit by the midnight sun. The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the earth. Our little town is lit, too, by lights just above that we cannot explain.
The sun has grown so very, very old. How long cold, fading death? How long?
Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now.
Rabbits are not what they seem to be.
It is almost complete. It is almost complete at last.
Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic.
Weird at last, weird at last! God almighty, weird at last!
Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then regret everything.
Today’s air quality is mauve and speckled.
The policeman in that intersection is not directing traffic. He’s coding an urgent message to all of us.
“This is a story about you,” said the man on the radio. And you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio.
Look to the obelisk. We don’t know where it came from, but it’s attracting a lot of cats.
Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway.
Your existence is not impossible, but it’s also not very likely.
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. It is only the truth seeker who wonders, why is the glass there? Why is there water all over the floor? Why is it covering every other surface of the house? Who or what is doing this to us?
Blinking red light in the night sky. The future is changing, but it’s hard to tell.
The future is what you make of it! Just know that your supplies are limited.
“You’ll be safe here,” says a whisper behind you.
Hang a map of a place you’ll never go on your living room wall. Draw new streets. Tear off bodies of water. Wait for news crews to arrive.
There is a thin semantic line separating weird and beautiful, and that line is covered in jellyfish.
We report only the real, the semi-real, and the verifiably unreal.
The sun has risen. You are awake. This symmetry is not without meaning.
A friendly desert community where the sun is still hot, the moon still beautiful, and mysterious lights still pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
Trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance. They come tomorrow. It is too late for us.
Mountains. Endless mountains! Peak after barren peak. And what lies, restless, in the shadowed valleys? I cannot say. I cannot say!
Does it even matter how many living things you touch today, or where they all are now?
Our black suns move erratically, like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now, more than ever, we are full of blood and honey.
It takes heart. It takes guts. It also takes cash. It just needs your payment immediately.
Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous god that Desert Bluffs has.
A lonely heart, a wandering eye, an empty stomach, a shoulder to cry on. This is what makes us, us.
Perhaps you noticed something strange yesterday. And perhaps you have forgotten it.
Life is like a box of chocolates: unopened, dusty, and beginning to attract a lot of insects.
No one has seen the trees this week. Hopefully, they’ll come back soon. Red sky at night. Sailor’s delight. Red sky at night, the sailors are howling and laughing. The sailors begin to surround us, and the night sky is so very red.
Velvet darkness. Silken light. The rough burlap of evening. The frayed cotton of daybreak.
You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both, and there you have spiders crawling out of a red velvet cupcake.
Flying is actually the safest mode of transportation. The second-safest is dreaming. The third-safest is decomposing into rich earth and drifting away with the wind and rain.
The riddle says, “He walks on four legs in the morning. He walks on two legs at midday. And at night, he slithers from dream to dream effortlessly, like the air we breathe. And we love him.”
At a loss for words? Here’s a few you can use:
I sing the body electric. I gasp the body organic. I miss the body remembered.
Listen to your heart. You can hear it, deep under the earth, creaking and heaving, with roots snapping and birds flapping quickly away. All that glitters is not gold. Particularly that thing over there. That’s, maybe, a giant insect of some sort. It’s really too dark to tell.
“This is a story about them,” says the man on the radio. And you are concerned, because this is not a story you were ever supposed to hear.
Act natural. Act like all of nature. Act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth.
Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling, or will fall, or have fallen, but temporary triumph is still triumph.
True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red, and glistening, and full of practical organs and sharp rocks.
Think back. Look forward. Listen timelessly.
Home is where the heart is. We found it one day in the sink. It hums things late at night, but they are not songs.
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a cloud! It’s a moon! Also, some stars! There are so many things in the sky!
Now is your chance. Well, that was it. It’s over. Did you do it? Have you achieved what you wanted? No? Aah, well.
The wind out of the desert is changing. I feel it. You feel it. A shiver in the midday heat. A crackle in the television broadcast. A shift in your immune system. It is September, and something is different.It is September, and the days have gone sinister – from first eye’s open to last slow breathing. It is September, and so, listeners – dear listeners – Night Vale Public Radio is proud to introduce The September Monologues.
The secret to a long life lies in how acutely you perceive time.
Let me be brief. Let us all be brief. Let us briefly be.
It is autumn, and nature is vanishing. It is autumn, and nature is beautiful.
Breathe deep. Deeper than that. Get far below sea level and breathe. Breathe in a cave. Breathe in a deeper cave. Breathe deeper and deeper until you can’t find your way back.
If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
It’s not darkest before the dawn. It’s actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It’s very dark then.
See some evil, hear some evil, speak some evil.
(Live Shows - At last, we are alone. At last we are, all of us, alone together. At last, every human, alone together, on this earth.
We found a little piece of heaven here. It is black, smooth, oblong. It hums a soft but discordant note, and we are afraid to touch it.
Today you will meet a beautiful stranger. Actually, hundreds of beautiful strangers. Everyone is beautiful and you know almost none of them.)
Weather - “These and More Than These” by Joseph Fink “The Bus is Late” by Satellite High “Bill & Annie” by Chuck Brodsky “Closer” by The Tiny “Jerusalem” by Dan Bern “Despite What You’ve Been Told” by Two Gallants “This Too Shall Pass” by Danny Schmidt “Last Song” by Jason Webley “I Know This:” by Rachel Kann “Cigarette Burns Forever” by Adam Green “Of a Friday Night” by Anais Mitchell “You Don’t Know” by Mount Moon “Movement 1: Invocation of the Duke” by daKAH Hip Hop Orchestra “A Little Irony” by Tom Milsom “Those Days Are Gone and My Heart is Breaking” by Barton Carroll “Neptune’s Jewels” by Mystic “Jews for Jesus Blues” by Clem Snide “Eliezer’s Waltz” by The Ventura Klezmer “Eliezer’s Waltz” by Disparition “Get Me Home” by Robin Aigner “Sni Bong” by Dengue Fever “Winifred” by Seth Boyer “Too Much Time” by John Vanderslice “Biblical Violence” by Hella “Sunday Morning Stasis” by Joseph Fink “Long Gone” by Mary Epworth “Team the Best Team” by Doom Tree “You and I Belong” by Simone Felice “Poor in Love” by Destroyer “The Lethal Temptress” by The Mendoza Line “Never Be Famous” by Hussalonia “Palabras de papel” by Nelson Poblete “Big Houses” by Squalloscope “Having Fun” by Tom Milsom “Mijn Manier” by Brainpower “Peanuts” by Sam ‘n Ash “Absentee” by Jack Campbell “Black White and Red” by Emrys Cronin “Penn Station” by The Felice Brothers “Offering” by Black City Lights “What Have They Done to You Now” by Daniel Knox “Keep It Coming” by Senim Silla “Cover Me Up” by Jason Isbell “Haunted” by Maya Kern “Pretty Little Head” by Eliza Rickman “Take Up Your Spade” by Sara Watkins “Stupid” by Brendan MacLean “High Tide Rising” by Fox “Call Off Your Ghost” by Dessa, featuring Aby Wolf and Paper Tiger “Ghost Story” by Charming Disaster “Echo in the Hills” by Carrie Elkin and Danny Schmidt “Here I Land” by Nicholas Stevenson “Bremen” by PigPen Theatre Co. “Catfish” by Waxahatchee “Upside Down World” by Paisley Rae “Anything I Want You To” by The Rizzos “State of Mind” by Stöj Snak “Just Like My Heart” by Fault Lines (Live Shows - “Remember Us” by Gabriel Royal “Promise to the Moon” by Jason Webley)
Proverbs - Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south.
Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.
There’s a special place in Hell. It’s really hip. Very exclusive.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help
A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?
It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?
We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.
“Nice bolo tie,” is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it’s stolen, that meat. You should apologise.
Today is the last day of your life up to this point.
Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.
I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?“
If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?
Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
Step one: write down the names of everyone you know. Step two: rearrange the letters. Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.
Step one: separate your lips. Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step three: widen your eyes. This is how to be happy.
Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
Ask your doctor if right is left for you.
If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.
The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.
Fun game. Say "toy boat” over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper “toy boat’ as you die.
The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
Production oversight by Tory Malatea, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?
A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.
Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.
Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.
Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.
Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We’re not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.
Look. Up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No. It’s just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We’re so small. So very very small.
Listen. I’m not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.
Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We’ve talked about this.
Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn’t a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.
You won’t sleep when you’re dead, either.
At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say your mother’s in the hospital. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I’ll drive you over there. We’ll leave right now. Grab a coat; it’s a little cold out. I’m so sorry.
If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.
There’s a difference between you’re, your, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.
Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you’re covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you’re an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you’re an earthworm, actually.
Wonderwall is the only 90’s song visible from space.
Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?
Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu’s wearing a trench coat.
Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.
Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.
I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.
If you’re worried your writing isn’t good, just remember: the earth is warming and soon, good and bad writing alike will all be underwater. Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase “foolish mortals.”
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally OK.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the other dog in the fight.
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.
The reason we say “bless you” after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.