I’ve been getting a few questions about how I’ve dealt with break ups. Some are a lot easier than others. A big part of how I deal with them is music. I think I will make a masterpost later about how to deal with breakups (and heal/celebrate quicker) if you all want it(:
These are songs straight from the playlist off of my iPhone. Not all of the songs deal with relationships, but I find them helpful. Some might make you more emotional, while others might make you feel more powerful/cold/confident in the breakup. I will label them with “E” or “P”. I want all of you to keep in mind that crying after a breakup does not make you weak. Its just you getting your emotions out and thats perfectly fine and healthy. I’m the type of person to cry all day over someone, and feel nearly nothing after that.
No matter how you deal with it, the goal is to recover quickly.
1) The Wire - Haim (P)
2) My Song 5 - Haim (P)
3) Next One - Bahja Rodriguez (P)
4) Damn You - Lana Del Rey (E)
5) The Birds Part 1 - The Weeknd (P or E)
6) The Birds Part 2 - The Weeknd (E)
7) Gone - The Weeknd (P or E)
8) Echos of Silence - The Weeknd (E)
9) Infinity Guitars - Sleigh Bells (P)
10) Get Outta My Way - Kylie Minogue (P)
11) Twenty Eight - The Weeknd (E)
12) Break My Fall - Lana Del Rey (P)
13) Shake it Out (The Weeknd Remix) - Florence And The Machine (E)
14) FADE - CRIM3S (P)
15) Love Song -1-2 - The Internet (E)
16) The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez(E)
No matter your style, these songs will be sure to boost your confidence! Some are fun, while others are mysterious and sexy. Feel free to drop suggestions in my ask box. Hope you all enjoy my personal heartbreaker playlist straight from my phone!
1. How To Be a HeartBreaker - Marina and the Diamonds
So as some of you may now, I broke up with Marcos. Looking back on our relationship, I have learned a couple new things that I think will be useful to those of you who are wondering if your current relationship is worth keeping or not. My relationship with him was very stressful to me, but our bond of endless inside jokes was what made us click.
Marcos did not cheat on me. I did not cheat on him. We broke up for the first time a week after our anniversary, and got back together the next day. Then we broke up again mid November. The first time, I was completely crushed and heartbroken. This time, I feel liberated and free to love myself. In the end, I saw him for what he truly was:
Here are my signs of when you should get out of a relationship.
1) You find yourself constantly planning to make him jealous by hanging out with your guy friends. If you hang out with your guy friends because they’re your real friends but it makes your boyfriend a little jealous, that’s fine. If you think to yourself “I really need my boyfriend to pay more attention to me, so I need to hang out with a guy friend”, then that’s not fine. Doing extra things like that means you’re already losing.
2) You find yourself obsessing over his social media. Who did he just follow on Instagram? Why is there a star next to his name on Snapchat-you tf rewatched his snaps? Who’s pictures did he just like on Facebook? These are signs of insecurity and distrust in the relationship.
3) He doesn’t make you a priority, ever. Yes shit happens, and yes we all need our “me” time, but if he keeps canceling on you or hasn’t paid you back that $50 he still owes you from 8 months ago even though he keeps saying he will (but he apparently has money to go out with his friends), then you’re not a priority at all. You’re just available.
4) He never compliments you, but its easy for him to compliment other people. I understand that some people have trouble communicating, or they feel weird giving compliments, but if he can say things like “Rashida Jones is pretty”, he should be able to call you pretty too.
5) You find yourself begging/fishing for compliments. You shouldn’t have to send him a Snapchat selfie for him to compliment you. You shouldn’t have to ask him “Don’t you like my dress?”. You just want him to acknowledge you, and you shouldn’t have to beg for that from your significant other.
6) His manners towards you fly out the door. I’m not talking about things like burping. I’m talking about when he stops holding doors for you, when he stops saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me”, and “sorry”.
7) He doesn’t react when people disrespect you, even when its front of his face. Of course you don’t expect him to beat everyone up, but a simple “hey, don’t talk about my girlfriend like that” would be nice. Even him just agreeing and saying “that was wrong, they shouldn’t have done that to you” would be fucking fantastic!
8) He turns things on you. Lets say theres some drama with your friends who have been very nasty to you lately even though you’ve been a great friend to them. When you tell him about it, instead of listening and understanding, he says things like “Well maybe if you didn’t snap at them so much, they’d like you more”. You are always the villain.
9) He stops replying or treats you like a stranger when you’re stressed. When you vent to him, he says things like “stay up” or “that sucks”. He doesn’t want to deal with you when you’re not happy because he feels like its a burden on him.
10) He doesn’t care about your stories or daily activities anymore. He doesn’t ask how your day was anymore. When you say “have a good day!” he says “thanks”, not “thanks, you too”.
11) He stops being excited about celebrating the relationship (ex: Anniversaries, Valentines day). He seems like he doesn’t care or is forgetful about them. He doesn’t care where you guys should go for dinner. He doesn’t care when you guys should have dinner. He doesn’t care what you want as a gift. He doesn’t care that you got him a gift. He just doesn’t care.
12) You see him care about the little things other girls do, like feeling flattered that a pretty female friend left a normal/friendly comment on his picture.
13) You appreciate the compliments coming from other guys than from your significant other.
14) When you’re upset or sad, he dismisses you. Instead of listening to you, talking to you, or comforting to you, his attitude says “go away then”.
15) He rolls his eyes every time he apologizes.
16) He gets defensive when it comes to his phone. Just you trying to look at the time on his phone backs him jump for it.
17) He makes you hate something about yourself. He didn’t force you, but something about loving him made you hate yourself. In my case, I had to beg for compliments from Marcos. I settled with the fact that he doesn’t show affection through words. Even then, I knew I wasn’t the type of girl he typically went for. I was the exact opposite. I started to hate myself more than ever. My face. My weight. My skin color. My height. My hair. Me. I felt like I was never going to be good enough for him, appearance wise. I bought things that I thought would make him like me more like skin lighting creams/soaps, products that promised longer hair, and contacts to make my eyes seem bigger. They weren't for me, they were for him. He never asked me to change, but he never once said “You’re beautiful” even though he knew I wanted him to. He saw it as a problem with me, not a problem with us. Im not normally an insecure person, but he’d tell me “just feel secure” - how? How? Your significant other is supposed to bring out the very best version of you, but I didn’t feel like I was getting better. I made him better, and he made me worse.
18) You feel yourself becoming someone else, in a bad way. I felt myself becoming jealous and insecure. I felt myself being a self-loathing person that desperately craved the affection of someone that I thought loved me the way I loved them. I lost myself.
19) You find yourself constantly pointing out what needs to be fixed in the relationship. Relationships take work and time, but if its becoming exhausting, its not worth saving anymore..
20) It doesn’t bother him at all when another guy is constantly texting you or hitting on you to try to steal you away from your significant other.
21) When you’re crying yourself to sleep at night, even when you two didn’t fight. It was a good day. You laughed. You kissed. But when you went home, something happened in your heart. You remembered something. You thought about something. All of a sudden you’re in fetal position sobbing and you can’t explain why.
22) You give a lot more than he does. You feel like the relationship is unbalanced.
23) He puts his ego before your emotions. He’d rather be stubborn than acknowledge the fact that he hurt you.
24) When you want to calmly talk about an issue in the relationship, he’d rather ignore you for 8 hours or be rude to you.
25) You’re constantly thinking about that happy honeymoon phase from the beginning of the relationship, and then you realize hes so different now.
26) He doesn’t appreciate you or the things you do. Hes not flattered by random little gifts or supportive texts anymore. He doesn’t care for warm long hugs anymore. Doesn’t care to use tongue while kissing anymore. He suddenly stops talking about introducing you to his family or friends. He doesn’t seem excited to hang out or have dates anymore. Hes just not into it.
27) You constantly have to repeat how when he doesn’t ___, it hurts you, or that you like it better when he ____, but he doesn’t change. He didn’t forget. Trust me, he heard you. He just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.
28) You feel like if he moved far and tried to do long distance, he’d probably hardcore flirt (but not cheat) with other girls. You feel like if you weren’t physically there to keep an eye on him, he’d stray.
29) He doesn’t care if you look at him in a negative light. If you say hes being mean to you, it doesn’t phase him at all. He seems numb to it.
30) He basically tells you to get ready to settle because hes not going to change for you or anymore, aka “deal with it”. This is his ego speaking, which is apparently more important than you or basic self improvement. He makes you feel guilty for wanting a basic, fair, and healthy relationship.
31) He thinks you’re needy just because you want affection. He doesn’t care to give or receive affection. You start to feel like you’re being treated like “just a friend” that he has dinner with once a week. You start to question if hes just with you because he’d bored.
32) You’ve been looking up ways online to fix an issue in your relationship for the past couple weeks. You want to be extra careful on how you handle it, and thats fine, but at the end of the day, it feels like you’re cramming information for a big test. Whats stopping you from just talking to him? Fear of him leaving? If he wants to leave even though you’re putting in this much effort and “research” into fixing the issue, then its a clear sign that you two aren’t on the same page anymore.
33) When he’s expressed that he thinks you feel like hes always doing things wrong in the relationship. This is his way of saying “I tried, but you keep nagging me and its frustrating”. Hes close to giving up, or already has.
34) He completely denies that hes been slacking in the relationship. He refuses to take any responsibility about it. He refuses to acknowledge how hurtful he can be towards you.
I may add more to this later. It was a little painful to type all of this out. I didn’t realize how much I was being mistreated towards the end of our relationship because I’m a very patient person, and I loved him (or thought..I did at one point, till I realized how badly this relationship was hurting me). It sad for me to type all of this and think “Did I really let myself be treated like this?”
I stuck through it because before me, his longest relationship was 1 month, while our relationship lasted a year and 1.5 months. I kept making excuses for him like “he doesn’t really know what to do in a long term relationship”- all of that doesn’t matter! If you feel it, you’ll know how to treat your significant other. I also stuck around because although he didn’t give me that verbal affection that I love, he had other traits like his humor was the exact same as mine (which is rare), and that I knew he wasn’t cheating on me. He gave me that “high school” feeling that I haven’t felt since my first love 5 years ago. He made me laugh and I adored him the way you adore a puppy - you’re always excited to see them. So many guys have called me beautiful or or said they loved me, but they still cheated on me or took me for granted. The right words from the wrong people truly mean nothing. Marcos’ traits were like a trade off, and that in itself is me settling for less.
I felt like I was completely losing myself in our relationship. Now that I’m single, I feel better than ever. I have good days and bad days, but I don’t hate myself anymore. I’m working out more - FOR ME. I’m going out more. I’m getting to know myself again. I smile more. I laugh more. I love more. I feel free, free to love myself.
I’ve never experienced self hatred like that before. You need to love yourself a little more than you love him so that you can recognize when you’re being mistreated. I did not love myself. I loathed myself, and therefore I could not see that I was being mistreated.
I’m finally back to my old self, and it feels amazing. Don’t let a guy disrespect you in any way, because I promise you, his ass ain’t worth it.
Thank you all for being so patient with me and my lack of posting. My mind is clear now, I feel amazing, I’m talking to new guys, and I have plenty to share!
In my ask box, I see a lot of girls using the word “love”.
Everyone’s definition is different, and I’d like to share mine.
For those who don’t know, I am 21, and I have been in love once. We were together for 2 years.
Love is rare.
You can really really like someone. You can smile at the thought of them. You can be so tempted to say “i love you” because it feels natural, but all of that doesn’t mean that you love them. Once you fall in love, then you realize how wrong you were when you told your exs that you loved them.
Love is unconditional.
You love them no matter what. It wouldn’t matter if they went broke tomorrow. You’d still be there. If they dropped out of school, you’d still be there. You’d do just about anything for them.
Love is growth.
You two help each other become better. Maybe they teach you a new skill. Maybe you show them a healthier lifestyle. Maybe they keep you calm. Maybe you give them something to think about.
Love is mature, and responsible.
When you love someone, you are able (easy for some, hard for others) to accept and take responsibilities for the mistakes you may have made. you don’t just say “sorry” because its the right thing to say or that it feels automatic, you say it because you are genuinely sorry that you made your partner unhappy/uncomfortable/bothered. When you fall in love, you also understand that a reason people don’t reply immediately is because they are busy, so you are more tolerant of a late response text. Basically, you realize petty things truly are petty.
Love is everlasting.
Even after a relationship ends, you still have unconditional love for that person. Its not like you’re laying in bed crying every night for 30 years, but you still have a special and irreplaceable spot in your heart for them. It may not be the only spot, but its still there, and its permanent.
Love is being a friend.
You two have fun together. You two tell each other secrets. You two are each other’s support systems.
Love is accepting simplicity.
You two can be happy just soul gazing for an hour in your pajamas. Just the presence of each other feels like its enough. No talking required.
Love is thoughtful,and serving
When you love someone, all you want to do is make them happy. Though you do not lessen your value, you think of their feelings first. You’re happy when you make them smile.
Love is selfless.
I always say, that if you really love someone, you’d rather have them be happy with someone else than be miserable with you. Love is wanting the best for that person, even if their happiness doesn’t include you.
Love sets the bar.
You compare every relationship to the person you loved. Not in a “not good enough” way, but more like “not the same feeling, but not bad either”. It could even go “I like him, our relationship reminds me of me and ___’s relationship. You’re looking for that happiness you had when you were in love.
Love is non-violent.
Loving someone means you would never in a million years intentionally hurt that person, emotionally or physically. You wouldn’t dare even considering playing mind games on them. You wouldn’t dare swear at them in an argument. You wouldn’t even talk negatively about them after the relationship (facts are facts, but you wouldn’t say “he was a complete asshole. Hes so annoying).
Love is forgiving.
It’s easy to forgive someone you love. Simple as that.
Love is transparent and open.
This means you two are very open and comfortable with each other. You can say anything without feeling like you’re being judged. You can still act like a couple in front of others, or online (saying “i love you” in the open, etc), without thinking “what will their friends think?”.
Love is trust.
If there’s no trust, there’s no love. I’m not saying you wont be tempted to check their phone, but if you are, its because you want to see whos texting them, not who they’re texting. You can’t be by someone’s side 24/7, so you have to trust them, and vice versa. You also need to be able to rely on them and vice versa.
If/when you two part, it feels like someone stabbed you in the heart with a razor sharp ice sickle. Its an almost indescribable pain. You feel like a mess. You look like a mess. Nothing seem appealing anymore. Laying in bed all day without moving seems like the best thing to do. Crying for days.