riding transitions

little things that i should do more often:
  • laughing my heart out ‘til my tummy hurts
  • picking fresh fruits and vegetables from our farm with my gramps
  • expressing my true feelings and showing genuine colors to my parents
  • saying “thank you” instead of “sorry”
  • teaching my dogs some cool tricks from youtube
  • having a nice movie break after studying for eternity
  • getting enough & appropriate amount of sleep
  • giving sweets to little stranger children
  • buying books and after reading, giving it to a person who deserves to read it
  • giving sad people the warmest hugs
  • waking up early and watching the sunrise
  • taking random snaps of my friends doing absolutely anything
  • trying out different accents
  • recording myself talking about the things i love
  • reminiscing the past under the moonlight with an old friend
  • conversing with a friendly stranger on a coffee shop
  • buying myself some flowers on the market
  • listing down the things i love about myself
  • exploring the city alone
  • saying spontaneous compliments to my beautiful friends
  • expressing how much i love the people that matter to me
  • buying a tub of ice cream for personal consumption
  • adding sparkles under my eyes
  • going on a date with myself
  • sketching random buildings on public
  • riding the public transit
  • exploring my own self
  • baking a cake for the ppl i love
  • counting the visible stars
  • volunteering to help
  • writing a pointless but heart-felt song
  • going on a road trip with my favorite people
  • writing letters to strangers and leaving then in the front pocket of my airplane seat
  • getting my crap together
  • painting on the bodies of my friends
  • saying hello to random animals
hey merthur fandom sup

I had this Merlin/Arthur fic idea (I prob won’t write, and even if I do, more cake scenario etc)

Consider a canon-ish immortal!Merlin fic with a back-from-the-dead!Arthur that is less ‘i’ve been waiting so long’ grief!porn and more ‘lol wow you’re shit at *common modern thing*’

It struck me that there aren’t enough adapted and happily immortal Merlin fics.  Fics where he’s this kinda hipster, incidentally sage jackass with a flat and a job as a medieval linguist.  He’s not sad, he’s not apathetic towards people, he’s just Merlin.

where he does pub trivia regularly and answers questions with wild hyperbole anecdotes like “Isaac Newton came up with that theory while I was giving him a handjob behind Trinity College.  Virtus Vera Nobilitas, ay?” while taking a drink of his pint

His friends think he’s pretty hilarious.

He CAN drive, and does own a car, but mostly he walks or takes transit or rides his bike.  He’s not playing a how-well-can-I-blend-in game, he just is who he is despite technically being 1500 yrs old, because eventually age is a social construct, especially when he can choose how old he looks.  And the novelty of being a crotchety old man wore off a millenia ago, though it serves its purpose.

He probably has a blog where he draaaaaaags current politics with well reasoned arguments, inventive swear words, and reaction pics of portraits of historical figures.

[Henry VIII fucking sees your swerve and approves. 

that’s not a good thing]

So, my point comes down to: establishing a normal modern immortal Merlin.  One who hasn’t forgotten Arthur, but who doesn’t spend 1500 years crying beside a lake. At most, maybe he did that for a century.  There has to be a good equilibrium here, like maybe sometimes he uses his magic to break into a private collection that claims to have an authentic Arthurian ring just to see if it is, even though it being legit happened like TWICE ever (and one of those the person didn’t even know what they had). And sometimes he does stop by Avalon to look out over it and spend a weekend, but he learned a long time ago to stop putting all his hopes and dreams on it

etc etc

And then Arthur wakes up. 

(and I have ideas about this too)

My Father Was Like You

Request: “Omg thanks can you do one where Teddy meets a loner Gryffindor girl that disappears every now and then and then find out that she’s a werewolf and like he feels that it’s some kind of “sign” from his father. Pretty pretty please, I so love your writing 💕”

Pairing: Edward “Teddy” Lupin x Reader

Word Count: 1848

Warnings: None

A/n: I literally know -67826% about this character so I hope I portrayed him alright :) thank god 4 the harry potter wiki

“Why do I do this to myself.” Teddy spoke to himself, running up the Grand staircase. His hair transformed into a darker shade of blue as he puffed up the stairs, taking two at a time. He was head boy, but that didn’t mean he didn’t accidentally sleep in once in a while. As he whizzed through the corridor he had almost made it to his Potions class, only to stop abruptly at the door. He was still, trying to pick up the hurried voices that were echoing through the empty hallways. He followed them, knowing he was getting nearer, as the voices went from a hushed echo to a loud whisper. He recognised the Headmistresses’ voice, but the other was unfamiliar. He had his back against the wall, not daring to peer down the hallway, in case he would get caught.

“We will take care of you, no need to worry.”

“But Professor, what if I hurt someone? I don’t want to put anyone at risk.”

“My girl, we have a hefty supply of Wolfsbane potion, and I will watch over you in my office, with the door locked and guarded.”

Teddy had to prevent himself from audibly gasping with shock. Wolfsbane potion? But that was only used by…

“You must prepare for the full moon this coming week. Don’t miss a day, make sure of it. It’s your responsibility to take a potion every day of the week.” Headmistress McGonagall instructed.

His suspicions were proved true by that final sentence, and he pulled himself away from the scene after it was revealed. He had heard stories about how his father attended Hogwarts, being aided by Dumbledore during full moons. And now there was another werewolf student that was being hidden.

A student at Hogwarts was infected with Lycanthropy.

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“DisneySea Transit Steamers” Scott Sherman, 1996

As we’ve previously discussed, varying forms of transportation within a park create both kinetic energy, and can help strengthen an area’s overall immersion and theme. Think of the Mark Twain docked at the end of Frontierland, or the futuristic monorails perched over Tomorrowland. In Tokyo DisneySea, the park’s waters are encircled by the DisneySea Transit Steamer Line. This simple ferry system not only helps give the impression that the park’s seas are alive and busy, but also encourages guests’ to explore and see the park from multiple perspectives. This piece, by Scott Sherman, shows off the color scheme detail on the Le Verne vessel.

Art ©️Disney

Simple ways to save money as an escort

So this year I made it a priority to get my finances in order, and I wanted to share some ways that I save money. Mostly on things I have to buy for work, but some miscellaneous ones. 

-Take public transit to outcalls or to your incall location. Or, save money on expensive uber rides by taking public transit until you get close to your destination, then call an uber. I know some people dont fuck with the subway but this saves me a ton of money. On an outcall the travel fee is 50 dollars, the subway is six, so that’s an extra 45 dollars I can pocket. I don’t do this for private houses, but in a condo or hotel the client will be none the wiser. 

-Learn to do your own manicure and pedicure. Easy way to save 35-100 dollars a month. Plus less time wasted going to and from the nail salon. Ditto for basic hair trims, eyebrows etc. 

-Costco has cheap condoms and lube, and doesn’t require you to order online and wait for them to ship.

-Take advantage of store loyalty cards, for everything from lingerie to drugstore products. I get about 30 dollars a month cashback at the drugstore.

-Bring snacks and drinks with you, rather then going to starbucks or 7-11 everyday. Even packaged foods at the grocery store usually work out to be cheaper.

-Investing in a cheap tripod for your iphone or camera provides a great way to continually update your pictures, and not have to spend hundreds on photoshoots. Ditto for inviting a friend over and taking turns. With some basic editing and a white background, you can get really nice shots. 

-Invest in outwear and clothes that can transition into your real life, like basic black dresses or a nice coat. 

-Take care of your lingerie (even if it was cheap) by handwashing. No reason to ruin it in the washer. 

-If you have your own incall, buy white sheets and linens that way if they get stained you can bleach them rather then have to throw them out. 

*that’s all for now, if I think of more I will add them to this post, feel free to chime in on any ways that you save money*

Things I Wish Someone Told Freshman Me
  • Have $100? Great. Put it towards an awesome pair of rainboots, NOT posters from Etsy.
  • Someone you hate from high school annoying you on social media? Delete them everywhere. Literally, it doesn’t matter anymore.  You’re a sophisticated scholar in Boston now, not some basic hometown drama. DE-LETE.
  • Want to meet your professors? Good, you should.  But, don’t go up on the first day of class and just give them your name.  Wait for a few classes, and then ask some good questions about what you’re discussing in class or (even better) ask them for some book recommendations. They’ll remember who you are, and it will be easier for you to approach them in the future. 
  • If you don’t know how to wear heels, then start out slow. DO NOT wear them to your first professional event because everyone will know. Also, Boston sidewalks are made of brick. Your heel WILL get stuck, on top of you not being able to walk anyway. 
  • You will get lots of emails for extra lectures, speaker series, consortiums, etc. Go to them.  Yeah I know you’re in class all day and whatever else, but if the topic interests you then go. Best case scenario, your professors will be there and will be seriously impressed and/or you’ll meet a future employer.  Worst case scenario? There isn’t one. Either way you’re going to learn something new. 
  • If you’re going out to eat, eat somewhere new every night. This city is too great and too delicious for on-campus Qdoba to be your default. 
  • FOR THE LOVE OF GOD take that lanyard off from around your neck. Seriously no one does that. Put your ID in a wallet and call it a day. 
  • Talk to your parents, even if its only a text every now and again.  After all, its kind of difficult to ignore the people who gave you life and then beg them for money over the holidays. 
  • Learn to do things on your own. Wanna go to the moves? Great, just go.  Don’t try and coordinate a million people to come with you. 
  • Become aware of yourself and your surroundings. DON’T walk three people wide on narrow sidewalks, DON’T talk loudly if you’re riding crowded public transit, DON’T make unnecessary enemies of anyone.  
  • You should want to build your resume, but it shouldn’t be the thing that gets you out of bed in the mornings. Focus on spending your time meaningfully and not just joining clubs because it sounds good. 
  • Go to the gym. No one said you can’t watch Netflix on your phone while walking on a treadmill…
  • Try and do something good and something fun every single day.  This is the beginning of your new community, so you should try and build it little by little every single day.
ID #15042

Name: Ashley
Age: 23
Country: USA

My life is full of adventures and I desire to share letters, journals, and/or packages filled with ideas and deeper conversations ~ I work as a special needs educator and will soon be joining the Peace Corps for an international experience. Connecting with other avid artists/writers would make my dream come true!


Art, Painting, Poetry, Photography
Hiking, Camping, Forests, Oceans
Food, Museums, Transit Rides, Antiques/Books
Pinball, Nintendo, Board Games

Dislikes: Discrimination, Negativity, and Stagnancy

Preferences: 18-25 Years Old

Chapter 1: Yuki


Genre: Angst / Fluff / Smut

Pairing: Meanie (Jeon Wonwoo x Kim Mingyu)

MATURE CONTENT WARNING: Drug use, Profanity, Sex, Violence

Where is this fucker? Wonwoo anxiously thought as he tapped his shoe against the cold alleyway pavement. He checked his phone again, which still had no missed calls or text messages, yet it was already seven minutes past midnight. He slid his phone to unlock as he simultaneously reached into his back pocket for his cigarette box. He texted the unknown number with one hand: where the fuck r u im here

The message sent as he sparked his lighter and inhaled a lung full of spicy nicotine. Exhaling with his eyes closed, he felt his heart rate slow down in synchrony with the smoke leaving his body. The calming was interrupted suddenly when he felt a buzzing from his phone. Unlocking it to check the text, it read: Cigarettes are bad for your health, you know.

Wonwoo looked up immediately and checked both sides of the alleyway when he saw a hooded figure walking towards him from his right. He scoffed as a delayed response to the message and walked toward the man at the end of the alleyway.

“Jeho, right?” The man called Wonwoo’s alias out loud happily with a wave as he walked down.

What a freak. Why is he acting like this is some sort of twisted reunion? Wonwoo thought as he rolled his eyes and took another inhale.

The hooded man finally was visible to Wonwoo’s eyes, who oodly had a blinding smile on his youthful face. He didn’t look like what Wonwoo’s usual clientele were, typically being older middle-aged business men. Though, he was a bit taller than Wonwoo was.

“I’m Yuki. Well, that’s not my real name obviously but ya know… That’s how this stuff goes, right? Aliases and whatnot?” The young man smiled in excitement.

“Cash upfront first,” Wonwoo boringly stated, completely ignoring the friendly introduction.

“Oh, right.” Yuki reached into his pocket as he pulled out a wad of cash and counted out 50,000 won. Wonwoo grabbed the cash out of Yuki’s hand and reached into his pocket to dig up the small package of marijuana that he had, stuffing it into Yuki’s pocket invasively.

“I don’t fuck with the late shit, by the way. If I say midnight, be here for midnight,” Wonwoo said, annoyed.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize drug dealers had busy lives.”

“What did you fucking say?” Wonwoo hissed as he grabbed Yuki’s sweater collar, dropping the cigarette that was loosely hanging from his mouth.

Yuki laughed whole-heartedly as he patted Wonwoo’s hand which was nearly choking him, “Relax, hyung. It was a joke.”

“Don’t call me your hyung. I don’t know you,” Wonwoo spat, dropping Yuki’s sweater and pushing him back with force. Yuki stumbled backwards but managed to maintain his balance. After brushing out his wrinkled sweater, he straightened his posture with a grin.

“Thanks for the weed!” He bowed to a 90 degree angle at Wonwoo before he walked out of the alleyway while whistling a happy tune. Wonwoo stared at the back of his head in disgust before he turned and walked out the opposite way.


“Hyung! Hyung! Look at me!”

Wonwoo looked up from his clipboard and started laughing as he watched the young boy treading in delight at the deep end of the swimming pool. His head was barely above water, but he was managing to stay afloat.

“Fighting, Jongmin-ah! Keep going!” Wonwoo encouraged excitedly with a smile and a clap. The other young boys that were watching him in the deep end started cheering for Jongmin as he continued to tread without fail. He was the last of Wonwoo’s students who managed to tread successfully. It took Jongmin an entire two weeks more of practicing to get the technique, falling behind his other peers before he finally got the hang of it.

“Hyung, jump in with us to celebrate!” One of his other students yelled. Wonwoo smiled as he walked closer to the side of the deep end where all of the kids were.

“Hyung’s tired today boys, I had a late night yesterday.”

The class all started making noises and booing.

“Ahjussi! Get in the water!” Someone called out informally.

“Yah! What did you say?!” Wonwoo’s eyes widened in shock as he dropped his clipboard and jaw dramatically, making the students crack up.

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Detransitioning - my personal story

(there’s a short tl;dr version at the bottom of this post)

For a while I have been doubting about whether or not I should write this. On one hand I want to let people know what I’ve been going through, especially since I was very open about my transition during the time I ran my blog Bats and Bunnies. But on the other hand I’m tired of constantly talking about my transition and I want to focus on the other things in life, and want to close this chapter, and don’t want to be so open about personal details anymore in general. But then recently there have been articles about detransitioning and people (from one of the articles and often in comments) saying we don’t exist, or that the only people who detransition didn’t have surgery or are teens that have transitioned in the first place due peer pressure.
And my story is neither of those. I had my surgeries, it wasn’t from peer pressure, I actually went through a long process before transitioning, I’m in my late twenties, and I do exist. So I want to share my story to update the people who have been following me in the past, and to let people in general know another experience on detransitioning, one from an asexual/straight female.

It’ll be a long story because my decision to detransition is complex. It’s not that some day I woke up and thought “Oh gee, I made a big mistake”. There are many factors involved. To understand my reasons for detransitioning, I need to tell you first about the bumpy ride my transition has been.

The start of my transition
I came out as trans in 2012, after many years of experiencing gender dysphoria. At first I came out as neutrois/gender-neutral, but later on I changed more to ftm. My body dysphoria was the biggest struggle and my reason why I wanted to transition. My biggest dysphoria was about my chest and uterus. I never felt male but I felt Not Female and wanted a male body, thus living as a (gay) guy was more logical for me. I aimed for becoming an androgynous/feminine guy - having a male body and being read as male while still having long hair and wearing make-up and some other ‘feminine’ clothing expressions. And dressing somewhat feminine, wearing make-up and having long hair is quite normal for goth guys anyways.
When I signed up at the gender clinic I was still a bit unsure about the hormones, but confident about the surgeries. The waiting list for diagnostics was 18 months back then, though in the end it only lasted about 12 months before I could start diagnostics. Meanwhile I had been thinking about hormones more and decided that I wanted them. The things I wanted from it (lower voice, male fat distribution, masculine face) outweighted the things I found less desireable (facial hair, male balding, extra bodyhair). Diagnostics lasted about 8~9 months and was mainly a gatekeeper psychologist who was looking if I were stable enough to transition, if I was really trans, and if I had realistic expectations. After that I got my green light to go for the next phase: Real Life Experience + hormones. That means I was allowed to start hormones and had to live as the desired gender for a whole year before they would evaluate me and see if I was allowed to get surgeries.

With some voice practices I did and the added hormones, I did notice my voice started dropping slowly after 2 or 3 months in, and I got a bit of extra body hair. And that was it. As each month passed, I got more desperate and frustrated to see some changes. I tried to look as masculine as I could, but I just didn’t pass (except on the phone). While I did see myself as an androgynous guy and never as a very masculine guy, I went more and more into the masculinity (clothes, behaviour, body language) hoping that it would help me pass. But the more I moved into the masculine side, the more I felt lost with myself. I told myself it was only temporarily. If I could only get through the first one year or so the hormones would make me look more masculine and then if I would be read as male I could grow my hair longer and wear make-up again.
And then my health started to get worse. Chronic fatigue was at an alltime low and my chronic pain only got worse as well.
And then after about 10 months on testosterone (and still seeing no masculinisation) I started getting problems with my heart too.
Heart problems are not new to me. My body is very sensitive for medication and a lot of medication gave me heart issues like tachycardia and prolongued QT syndrome. I have a whole list of medication I am not allowed to take because of that PQTS (and the PQTS disappears when I get off those meds). But testosterone was not on that list, so that should not be a problem. The endocrinologists from the genderclinic didn’t know what to do. They never had a patient lack changes after a year and never one with these health issues either. (and usually patients with fibromyalgia actually report feeling their condition improve and their pain getting less…)
So after being a little over a year on hormones, with a heavy heart (no pun intended) I made the decision to stop hormones. I only got 1 heart (I’m not a time lord), and with PQTS you are at higher risk for heart failure and death. And with the chronic pain and fatigue I figured that testosterone doesn’t have much use if I can’t even get out of bed and do something with my life.
In the end I had been on hormones for 15 months.
A week after I quit hormones my heart turned to normal, but the chronic fatigue and pain stayed bad.

Even though the hormones didn’t make me pass as a guy, I tried to live as a guy as best as I could. And so I passed the real life experience and I got my green light for surgeries. I went for the combi surgery in January 2016 (roughly a year after I quit testosterone), where they do the mastectomy and hysterectomy in one go. Because a body needs hormones and testosterone failed, I made the decision to keep my ovaries when they removed the uterus. That way I would not have to rely on synthetic hormones. (chances are my body won’t handle synthetic female hormones well either.) The surgery itself went well and I am very pleased with the results. From the first day of seeing myself with a flat chest, it clicked and felt as if it always should have been like that.

The year after, insecurities grew
The surgeries didn’t change anything in regards to me not passing as a guy. But I knew that on beforehand. The surgeries were done for myself, to make me feel better when I look in the mirror, to make me feel comfortable in my own body. The outside world doesn’t see whether or not you have an uterus inside, and the outside world didn’t really see much difference between me wearing a binder underneath my clothes or not.
I was still frustrated that I didn’t pass, I still tried to overcompensate on masculinity to desperately trying to be seen as a guy. I missed the freedom women have when it comes to clothes and make-up. Clothes and alternative/goth fashion was my biggest passion and I love making clothes for myself. But for women’s clothing there is a much wider range of fabrics, cuts, colours (ok as a goth I don’t care much about colours…) and garment types allowed. Menswear felt much more restrictive and limiting. I felt I couldn’t express myself and my love for clothing in menswear. Even the menswear I did like, like some more aristocrat goth type of things, often are considered feminine too, like poet shirts with lace.
During my transition, somewhere around the time I started hormones I believe, I lost passion in clothes. I hated seeing my body in the mirror, seeing those curves, seeing the feminine things of my body, seeing how even male pants didn’t hide my curves, seeing how I didn’t pass no matter what I wore.

I started to wonder if I made the right decision. Was it worth it? In an ideal world I would have just wore whatever I wanted and still be seen as a guy, but that’s not reality. And I do have to deal with reality. And it was hard trying to live as a guy when you don’t look like one in guy’s clothing, let alone if I’d be wearing some eyeliner or even more feminine stuff (so that’s why I didn’t do those things). I had doctors coming into waiting rooms, looking around and leaving, thinking their patient 'mr VelvetBat’ didn’t show up because they only saw women sitting in the waiting room. I had strange looks and rude comments when I went to male public toilets. I’m lucky that I never got any verbal harrasment or physical stuff. But then again I don’t go out much so my interactions with people are limited and the amount of times I went to public restrooms per year can also be counted almost on 1 hand…

Deciding to detransition
After someone I followed (for non-trans stuff) posted on her blog that she decided to transition, the doubts of my own got stronger, but initially I tried to block them. But after a few months I decided to look into it, read about it, try to find other stories. There wasn’t much out there. At first I encountered only stories about lesbian women detransitioning. While there was a lot of common experiences, there were also a lot of differences. While I grew up as being gender nonconforming in behaviour and interests, I still looked like a girl. I never had to deal with lesbophobia and stuff like that.
But many of their experiences had similar themes and it made me think about my own life, my past, and my transition. There were things in their stories that clicked for me. I started thinking about what I wanted, what the right path for me would be. It was clear to me that I would never look like a guy, I would never become that androgynous guy I was aiming for. And living as a guy while not looking like one didn’t make me feel happy, so this wasn’t the right path for me clearly. Living as a woman again made more sense then.

So initially my decision was to stop trying to be a guy and start living as a woman. And to try and make peace with the fact I would always be seen as a woman instead of a guy, and that my body still looked feminine.
As I stopped forcing myself to overcompensate on masculinity, and just be me and not constantly hyper-aware and insecure about how I walk/talk/pick something up/push my hair aside, my tone of voice, my clothing, what I do, how I type, etc etc etc, I felt a bit more relaxed. I started to feel less dysphoric and less anxious when someone called me 'ma'am’ or 'she’. I also started to feel milder about my body. Started to actually appreciate some of my feminine features like my waist, long and slender fingers, and my eyes. I’m slowly feeling more okay and even comfortable with being seen as a woman. And I actually haven’t changed anything yet in regards to my looks. I still dress the same and I haven’t worn make-up yet. I’m growing my hair long again though, hoping it will grow to it’s original length again. I do plan to dress a bit more feminine again and even wear some make-up, but I still have to find my style and find out which level of femininity I feel comfortable with. You see, because I forced myself so hard to not do anything remotely feminine, it takes a lot of time to undo that. If I’d now put on some of my old clothes (which are a bit too small at the shoulders nowadays, lol) and make-up the way I did before transition, if would make me feel really anxious. So baby steps there.

I also recently started seeing a new therapist, one who’s field of expertise is gender identity, sexuality and trauma recovery. It helps me a lot already. I found out that there are more factors to my gender dysphoria than just being trans. My ptsd had a bigger impact than I initially thought. (and I never had adequate treatment before for that either.) I also found out that my autism is an influence. Growing up as a girl with Asperger’s it was undiagnosed for a very long time. Even when once around the age of 18 I spoke with an “autism expert”, he told me I couldnt have autism because I was a girl. (Got diagnosed with it in my early twenties though. I’m now 29 btw.) But due my autism I was different than typical girls, had different interests, different behaviours, and I felt as a broken/dysfunctional girl because of that. Even more with the constant pressure on that from other people that a girl/woman’s purpose in life was having babies and that I was dysfunctional woman for not wanting to have kids and actually hating children. And so there are more things that add up. But I don’t think all my gender dysphoria can be explained by those things.

Labels and my future
Am I trans? Am I not trans? I don’t know for sure. Depends on your definition of trans I guess. I don’t know, maybe if the hormones did their job I would live happily as an androgynous guy in the end. I don’t know if different circumstances and experiences in my life would’ve made me feel happy with my gender in the first place. Or if different therapies would maybe allowed me to deal with my dysphoria in other ways. (But at the time I was not aware of any other possibility of dealing with dysphoria except for transitioning or denying - and denying didn’t work, I tried that hard for several years. )
Life isn’t black and white and so there are many things that factor in, small and big. I could endlessly speculate how my life would have been if certain things were different, but in the end it’s all speculation. My life is the way it is. I have these experiences and this has been my path so far. I do not regret my decision to transition. I do not regret my surgeries (but I do think if my breasts would magically grow back I could live with that and maybe not have that much dysphoria as I had before). I do not regret my name change - I feel my new name suits me much better. I do not regret my lower voice (although it got a big higher after I quit T and I feel it got even higher in the past few weeks?). The only thing I do regret is that I tried to force myself to become more masculine than I wanted in order to try to pass. That made me more unhappy than was necessary I think.

I’m still figuring things out as I go. Still sorting myself out. Still trying to find out who I am and what the right path for me would be. Sometimes I don’t know if I should call myself non-binary, or a woman. Calling myself a woman still feels weird so usually I stick to 'live as female’ or 'live as a woman’ instead of saying “I AM a woman”. I sometimes call myself simply androgynous. While I do go back to living as a woman, I still don’t feel like one. I don’t even know what feeling as one really means in the first place either. I think that living as a woman and recognising I am one in my core would be more helpful to my healing process than calling me non-binary all the time. It feels like as I call myself non-binary I deny the female part of me or something. But that’s why I do like the word androgyn or androgynous, because that doesn’t deny my female side but that also does not erase the path I went through. Because like I said, I’m still happy with my chosen name and my surgeries. But I am growing more and more comfortable being seen as a woman and living as a woman, that I also do not feel the need as strongly anymore to call myself a third gender, nor to use a neutral pronoun. (plus Dutch doesn’t have a good one either in the first place. The one people came up with recently I find uncomfortable.) In general I’m trying to let go of labels and just be.
These days I am actually quite free of gender dysphoria. It only flares up occassionally when I see a picture of a guy who looks like the guy I aimed to be. (Or when I see someone with gorgeous cheekbones. Damn you Peter Murphy. But then again - who doesn’t want his cheekbones?)

So yeah, the journey is far from over, but this is the path ahead of me. And I am more at peace with myself and my body, and feel like this new path is better for me.

Closing thoughts
In closing thoughts I would like to say that I am not against transitioning. In the end it didn’t work out for me, but for other people it does. So that’s great. I think everyone needs to do what feels like the right path for them. However, I do think that there needs to be more information out there about detransitioning and about other possible ways to deal with dysphoria. There isn’t much out there, and the therapists I did speak to before and during my transition also didn’t know of anything except for 'waiting untill the testosterone makes you look like a guy’. And in general detransitioning should be allowed to discuss openly without being attacked.
And I would like to thank any detransitioned woman or men (but women specificly because they were/are more helpful to me) for putting out their story despite the backlash and hate they got for it. You are all very strong and I am very grateful for being able to read your stories which helped me to look inward and figure out what’s best for me.

So yeah, that’s it. Thanks for reading this whole story!

* * *

(tl;dr: Testosterone increased my chronic pain and fatigue and due getting heart issues I had to quit. It didn’t make me pass. Did get surgeries. Was very frustrated and unhappy from not passing. Lost passion for (sewing) clothes. In the end I finally decided to detransition because living as a guy while not passing made me feel lost and depressed. After that decision, remaining dysphoria disappeared and I feel happier in my body now. Still happy with the surgeries I had, still happy with lower voice and new name. But I’m also feeling more comfortable with being seen as a woman now. It’s an ongoing journey.)

Red hood riding
Public transit
Stop requested’
Two steps meets
One foot in front of
Two, three, four
Approaching Grandma’s door
With muffins galore
Blueberry, chocolate, banana
Knock knock
‘it’s me red hood riding’
Swings open
Wooden door
Grandma looks beautifully
'my grandma, you don’t look so good today’
Grandma opened her mouth
'omg, grandma’s a wolf’
Red hood runs like hell
Bus transfer

anonymous asked:

do you have any tips for riding public transit? i'm easily overwhelmed and even though there's a schedule it still is too like out of my control and i'm not sure how to deal

Headphones! Whether they’re noise cancelling ones or just normal ones that play music, they can cut down on being overwhelmed a lot.

If you’re on a bus or something similar, try to find a spot in the front so you can see where you’re going. What helps for me is to have my route pulled up on my phone and track that we’re actually going where we’re meant to be going if I’m unfamiliar with the route.

And lastly, stim. Tap your foot with your music, bob your head, mouth the words, have a rubber band to twist and turn in your hands, use your phone to play a game, get a fidget cube or even spinner (you can keep that in your pocket and just spin the centre with your thumb without anyone seeing anything if you’re worried about someone being bothered)

I wouldn’t be too worried about people being bothered or even noticing your stims if you’re not being really loud though; most people in transit just want to get from A to B and do not care at all about the other people they’re travelling alongside. 

Do any of our followers have more advice?