ride malfunction

nier: automata

after a trip to the grand canyon takes a turn for the worse, a bunch of robo-bees combine themselves into a womb and spit out Naked Dickless Sephiroth (who you proceed to duel in one of those token one-on-one platinum boss fights)

Naked Dickless Sephiroth then proceeds to split in two like an amoeba, leaving our heroine with no choice but to make a tactical retreat

2B and her useless robot nephew attempt to unwind from this ordeal with a trip to disneyland, but this too goes awry when the new It’s a Small World/End of Evangelion crossover ride malfunctions

fortunately, this crisis is averted thanks to quick thinking, bullet hell, and 9S providing hallucinogens; and our protagonists find the secret treetop bunkers where they keep the disneyland costume actors when they’re not performing

I have been thinking a lot about robots out there on the ocean, and the sirens they run into.

About a little robot who was built by someone maybe a long time ago (clock is not sure of date of manufacture, as awareness had not fully booted for an unknown time period), sold and sold again, tinkered with and updated so the line between robot and human is blurred into one, goes by Andy and is currently programmed to wash the deck every hour.

The crew on the spaceship around Andy is rough. Lots of kicks to where ribs would be. Sometimes they play a game to see who could turn off the android, their drunk fingers scrambling around while Andy beeps and pleads and bargains that there is no off switch, could they please stop, there is a job to perform and must be seen to. And they laugh and Andy never gets the joke because humans wake up on their own but androids don’t and the last time Andy went to sleep, new weatherproof panelling had been installed and now it itches all the time, although that is not quite the word for it (but a good word nonetheless, even if it’s not meant to describe robot sensations). Andy swabs the deck, Andy is strung up and hit with fists as target practice, Andy gets a hole in synthetic skin and someone sticks a finger into the exposed wiring and for six days as Andy preforms routine repairs on the skin (around chores, of course), Andy cannot beep out distress, and while that makes others less interested in causing hurt, Andy will let no one touch the exposed hole again, because being wordless in that moment had no android equivalent.

One day the astral storm is bad and Andy is sent to help the ship, feet clinging automatically with clamps to the slippery floors, unable to use vision.exe with the debris flying around, but able to simply turn off all unpleasant sensations - the screaming, the ship spinning, the blackness of space an untouchable ocean which knows and fears nothing.

And then silence. For a moment no one moves. Someone pushes past Andy to stare at the window. It is very bright out there: they are beside a small series of asteroid belts, purple and fluid and wavelike. Andy does not have real hands but sometimes imagines that the way space would feel between fingertips. It would be smooth, or like holding an exposed power cable. Sometimes the crew tried to use electricity to power off the robot body, and the odd sensation in Andy’s mouth after was somehow reminiscent of space. Andy would call it taste, but cannot taste, and so calls it a malfunction.

They ride carefully through the small rocks that glow in the light of the closest star. Space is sometimes colorful.

There is a noise. For a long time, Andy is unable to place the sensation, but after first checking auditory systems for damage, the backup net connection finds the word for it: music. Singing. It makes the ship ring. Andy is unsure what protocol is to be followed, but the crew is all at the windows, their eyes wide and searching.

The android beeps for command imput, but the captain is breathless at the helm. He swats Andy into silence. The singing grows louder. Andy has to adjust the audio sensors to be less sensitive, but the singing shakes the ship so it is impossible not to feel it.

One man steps into the airlock and releases himself. Andy becomes alarmed, tries beeping and pleading and begging the crew to bring back their lost friend - but one follows the other. Andy struggles to protect them, tries to override the airlock, tries to physically fight them. They all exit, down to the captain, who is grinning in a way Andy has never seen.

And then Andy is alone. The programming is to swab the decks, so Andy does. And always the singing. It becomes so loud Andy removes the audio interface completely, settling it down on the captain’s chair and whistling. Maybe they will come back. The ship is rattling.

Andy reads an error message that has been beeping urgently but has not been as important as the crew leaving. Unlikely phenomenon detected, engaging in net search.

There is no sound in space. Andy had known that, somewhere. Yet the ship and the singing… Beeping, Andy replaces the audio and has to quickly yank it out again from the loudness.

Andy looks up.

At the window is the most interesting thing. Blue and glowing, as large as the ship itself and larger again. A long tail, a small body. And singing. The figure is run through the net search. All that comes up are mythical beasts. Andy does it in two parts instead and discovers that whales exist and that the closest depiction of the upper half is a person called Artemis. After an extensive search, Andy uses the mythos. The being is called a mermaid. A siren, more specially, which is okay because sirens are loud and so is this creature.

She is not alone. Their starry tails float through space, their hair as long as they are, decorated with the stones they glide through. They are many and the ship hums. Andy, unsure, uses the ship to ship interface to key a message.

“Hello,” it says, “My name is Andy. Have you seen my crew?”

The singing stops abruptly, which Andy only knows because the ship stops humming. The replaced audio disk hears a series of quiet overlapping murmurs. Then there is screeching. Then there is silence. More screeching. Andy takes out the disk and waits politely until they figure out if they will respond. After three hours, he is able to put the audio in without fear of hurting.

A short, patterned song. The ship takes in the vibration and runs it through the universal translator.

“We are. Not your . Alive type. crew , lost.”

“Yes,” keys back Andy, “I know you’re not my species but I was hoping you’d seen my crew and I apologize for the interference.”

Again a series of wails and humming.

“What. You are ?”

“Android V.694, software component: Lemon cake.”

“What . You want?”

Andy has to think. “What is it like to want?”

Silence. And then one very impressive song. The computer did not translate, unable to.

Andy sits in a chair. “I am alone now. Can you be my friends?”

They spend days there, learning about each other. Andy has to explain that although there is a human skin, there is no gender assigned, because Andy is not human. They have only one gender in their language, translating to the feminine. Andy and the mermaids. A crew which is funny and terrifying and starts bumping the ship along, out of the field, carrying him to a planet which is good and kind to androids. Andy thanks them, but has no programming but to upkeep the ship, so they bump along, telling stories about the galaxy. And take Andy. They like having someone to listen to. They spend millenia together.

Andy sees space until the ship comes apart. Steps into the airlock and jumps. In the seconds before the liquids in the vessel of Andy’s body freeze, Andy sees the wild pack of friends in their big bodies. Andy solves two puzzles at once: what is beauty, and what it is to want something. Andy realizes that wanting is complicated. Andy wants to spend a million years travelling the ocean with the blue bodies of giants.

Andy doesn’t have fingers but as alarms flash and things power down, Andy touches space. It feels smooth.


Sorry for the lapse of entries, but I’ve been hard at work investigating the latest amusement park disaster to strike Beach City’s Funland.  For those of you out of towners, a couple weeks ago a ride malfunctioned and turned Beach City into Boston Harbor when it sent spinning teacups flying into the sea.  While everyone else in town seems ready to write the incident off as an “accident”, I think we WEIRDIES know exactly who to blame… no, not the Irish.  I have taken that blog post down and apologized.  This is the work of the legendary BEACH CITY GREMLIN!!!

Stories of Beach City’s paranormal saboteur date back to colonial times - there are many tales of the Beach City Gremlin tipping butter churns, shapeshifting into comely lasses to distract wagon drivers, and breaking brush harrows (whatever those are). 

But as man’s machinery progressed, so did the nefarious pranks of the Gremlin.  He is no doubt the one to blame for the Beach City Blimp Explosion of ‘37, the Great Traffic Tragedy of ‘72 and the Street Fighter II Turbo Hyper Fighting Arcade Cabinet Breakdown of ‘99.

While, I didn’t see any gremlins at the scene of the accident, I did spot THIS DUDE.

Looks like a real suspicious repairman if you ask me.  I mean, I don’t trust anyone with a soul patch.  Not even the dude from Smashmouth.  Me thinks the BCG is up to his old shapeshifting tricks once again.

Ameripan Headcanons
  • These two are like complete nerds ok. They nerd out about everything together
  • They bonded over how bad bananas taste
  • Alfred loves to share all kinds of music with Kiku: new music, old music, pop music, rock music, and everything in-between. Kiku likes everything Alfred plays for him.
  • Kiku shares his food with Alfred a lot. He purposely gets a little more than he can eat just to see Alfred’s face light up when Kiku offers him food.
  • Alfred has many nicknames for Kiku. Ki, KiKi, cherry blossom, and Keeks are a few of them. Kiku doesn’t really have many nicknames for Alfred.
  • Often times they’re found watching movies or playing video games together. 
  • They love amusement parks. Alfred loves riding the rides, while Kiku prefers to get food and play carnival games (as well as take pictures) (he always brings along his camera).
  • Kiku rides the rides with Alfred, and Alfred plays games with Kiku.
  • Kiku refuses to ride rollercoasters though. He says he’ll watch Alfred ride them. And he does, while taking a few pictures. 
  • Kiku wants to go on the ski lift but that’s the one ride Alfred is scared to death of. Kiku doesn’t like going alone on rides though so he tells Alfred that he’ll ride a rollercoaster if Alfred gets on the ski lift with him. 
  • Alfred goes on the ski lift but clings tightly to Kiku the whole time because he’s scared the ride will malfunction and “Oh god Kiku we’re so high up…”
  • Alfred likes to curl up next to Kiku when they watch movies, but he usually ends up falling asleep on Kiku before the movie even ends.
  • Kiku is really soft and squishy so Alfred likes to lay his head on Kiku’s tummy and take a nap while Kiku reads.
  • Kiku does the same with Alfred, though Al mostly just plays games on his phone. He doesn’t like reading. (unless it’s fanfiction)
  • They like to geek out about their otps together
  • They have a cat. Al would like a dog, but he’s allergic and Kiku’s afraid of them. They both love cats tho so they have one.
  • Alfred loves seeing Kiku in glasses. However, Kiku only wears them around Alfred.
  • Neither of them can dance especially well. If they have to do a dance, they practice for hours on end.
  • Alfred loves video games but doesn’t understand them most of the time, so Kiku explains them to Alfred in vivid detail.
  • Alfred tried playing Sonic ‘06 once, but Kiku burned the disc before Al could get to it.
  • Alfred loves it when Kiku wears Alfred’s clothes. He finds it very cute and hot
  • They like to cuddle in bed or on the couch together.
  • Kiku doesn’t like PDA though and doesn’t like being too touchy feely with Al in public or in a group of friends. 
  • Al would try to hold Kiku’s hand anyways.
  • it wouldn’t work
  • “Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!” “… love you too.”
  • Feliciano would probably hardcore ship it and would freak if Kiku told him
  • Alfred always misses Kiku when he goes back to Japan (Even if he’s not there very long)
  • He stays up way too late and gets way too little sleep to be healthy just to talk to Kiku.
  • Kiku misses Al too but is v worried about Alfed’s health.
  • “Alfred how long have you been awake?” “um idk???? i haven’’t slept since you left.” “That was two days ago.” “i miss u kiku plz come home soon”
  • Al isn’t good with being away from Kiku for too long. Matthew stays with him to help him feel less lonely.
  • When Kiku comes home Alfred cries bc he’s so happy and he missed Kiku lots
  • Mattie was forced to take Al to the airport to pick up Kiku.
  • When Mattie sees Kiku he’s like “good luck mate.”
  • Alfred’s really clingy the first few days Kiku is back.
  • Kiku brings home Japanese candy and snacks for Alfred because he knows how much Alfred likes them, and they can’t find them anywhere where they live.
  • They live in a small but not cramped apartment in the city that’s within walking distance of everything. Eventually though they moved out of that and into a small house in the suburbs. 
  • Al probably sends Kiku memes, cute pictures, and pictures he took of things that remind him of Kiku to Kiku like all the time.
  • Kiku thinks it’s the cutest thing
  • Al prefers coffee to tea but he makes tea in the mornings for Kiku. He’s not good at making coffee so he just buys some from McDonald’s.
  • Kiku probably cooks dinner most nights.
  • When they have parties though, Alfred cooks most the food. Kiku helps, but no one makes party food like Al. He’s got burgers and hot dogs and ribs, and they shuck corn together. He’s also got potato salad, macaroni salad, Italian style pasta salad, deviled eggs, and all sorts of casseroles. 
  • Kiku makes the deserts. 
  • Their parties are always the biggest and the best.
  • Kiku and Alfred played Sonic Boom together, and when they were done Kiku kept apologizing for how bad the game was. Al didn’t care, but the glitches made him mad a few times. 

Disney World, Florida - 

The happiest place on earth has its fair share of ghostly inhabitants and was the location for one of the most famous pieces of paranormal footage caught on CCTV camera, after what appears to be a ghostly figure was caught wandering through the park at night. The most well known ghost in the park is said to be Walt Disney himself. Disney had an apartment above the fire-station on Main Street and to this day the light in the apartment is always kept turned on. Before this tradition began a member of staff turned off the light and when she returned the light had been switched back on again. She then heard a man’s voice saying “I’m still here.” 

There are several haunted attractions at Disney World, Florida, including The Haunted Mansion which is rumoured  to be the most haunted attraction in the park and that is not just because of all of the special effects. On several occasions guests have been caught sprinkling the ashes of dead loved ones at the Haunted Mansion ride and on one occasion a human jaw bone was found in the mansion by park staff. Also on the ride’s first test run in the 1960s one of the guests had a heart attack and died on the ride, causing a six year delay in the official opening of the Haunted Mansion. Several ghosts are rumoured to haunt the ride, the most commonly seen is that of a little boy who is usually seen crying around the exit of the ride. 

Another Disney World ghost is one affectionately known as Mr Oneway who haunts Space Mountain. He was a large man with red hair who died on the ride in the 1970s. He will share a ride with single riders but will have disappeared by the end of the ride. He has also been sighted in the staff locker rooms. Another ghost is believed to haunt the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He was a construction worker who fell to his death when the ride was being built. According to staff you can hear him walking around the ride at night and on more than one occasion a white figure has been seen. Some staff members believe that if you do not say goodnight and good morning to the ghost the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will malfunction. 

Heartstrings Verse - Summary: nerd!Blaine dares skank!Kurt to go to the carnival with him, and when one of the rides malfunctions he has to find a way to calm him down. | AO3 

Warnings: detailed fear of amusement park rides and super duper cheesy loser blaine?

A/N: this is my first time posting fic oh my god please don’t hate me. please tell me if this is bad or really really bad or something *hides*

Every smack of Kurt’s gum has Blaine flinching. His perfect posture jolts at the sound of it, eyes burning intently into the book in front of him.

It’s a little cruel maybe, but it’s the only source of entertainment Kurt has. If he’s going to be stuck in the library with Urkel himself then he’s going to make the best out of it. And watching Blaine internally freak out might be the greatest achievement of Kurt’s day.

“Kurt, please, the librarian is staring at us,” Blaine whispers, fearful eyes locking with Kurt’s.

Keep reading

3 am

It’s nearly 3am and-
once again
I’ve spent the whole night thinking of your
Candy cane smile
Candy floss laugh and-
how your wood chipped hands
Used to feel, in mine
Before the world turned too dark to see
Anything other than the washed up memories
You left
On my shore of consciousness
I lie here
Pear drop tears
And I wonder
Was our love just a game to you?
A cruel carnival ride
Malfunctioning merry-go-round
The sickly sweet promises of what
We, once called
“True love”
Were they forever doomed to pass their sell by date?
I guess I’ll never know
So as I lie here, with your name
Stuck on my tongue
I know that even now
After, so many broken
Ginger bread hearts
I wouldn’t change a single thing
For you showed me flavours
I never knew existed
Beyond my marshmallow mind.