Hey guys so I felt the need to write something to end the year out
Here is my 2013 story
So I started the year, with a smile on my face, I was inspired and content with myself. This year I started a youtube channel, it was a whole new endeavour for me. I was allowing myself to take a step out to my comfort zone and start a youtube channel. I was introduced to youtube a year before intact. A company approach me and intact I said no, as it was sams thing and I didn’t wanna copy or take away everything she worked for
1 year on, coming into 2013 I was like “i only live once” and i started, it was just amazing, I went to SF that month, it was magical and so fantastic, growing up I didn’t go away at all, as my mum being a single parent and 3 children, holidays weren’t our top priority.
skipping forward now, I was living in a very nice part of london with sam and I was like “WTF” how is this possible, along with making videos I was comfortable, you know? not having to worry about money and anything like that. I never really had much luck in life, sure you have to sometimes create your own luck, sure.
I remember one evening sitting with sam and being like, “i’m madly in love with you”, and you alone have made me a better person and I said while watching tv
Your the best thing thats ever happened to me.
Moving forward again. Things were great, this whole internet and youtube life, literally changed my whole life, everything i’ve always known was different. It was so so crazy, how your life can change over night. I had the girl of my dreams, living in london, and making creative content and having the world appreciate your work.
We all look for acceptance in this life, somewhere we belong. But that right there is a kinda wrong, you should never ever find somewhere to belong. We should belong with oneself and love ourselves.
We went to Paris and were having a great time, we vlogged and having a great time. I remember when being back in UK, we used to do this thing, I used to wake up early normally, then sammi, would wake up and come to me and I would be sitting down normally and I used to hug her body, it was that warmth I felt, reminded LOVE does exist.
Then my whole life was turned upside, sam and I broke up, I was so lost, confused, insecure, sad, sacred, scared, alone, broken, heart-broken, soulless, different.
I didn’t know who I was,as ricky? or a man? I have not been perfect to sammi, i made plenty of mistakes but in relationship, you grow together, learn together, falling in love together, hold each other, tell each other “IT WILL BE OK, WHEN THE SUN ROSE” but I wasn’t the one she wanted, she fell out of love with me. She was out of my life, out of my hands
I tried to end myself, and not out of pity or attention, the pain I felt was something I have never felt before. guys the pain, of not being loved back and seeing your loved one with someone else. Is heart-wrenching. Then you question yourself, was it me? what did i do? what could I off done to change it?
but all these question would not bring my closure, just more loneliness, so after a few months, now coming to my birthday. I was so so so so alone & I remember my bday this year, I was crying all day as i was homeless for a little while, with all my belongings. I was just praying she would txt me, but she didn’t. and all fairness she didn’t need to. I was punishing myself.
So now here I am. i had to question myself on youtube, because i know a lot of people only followed me because of sam, I always knew that. but so so so many are still there and support me. I don’t let the so called “youtube fame” get to me. I won’t lie there was a period where it did, when something so new was good.
And I know sammi has said really mean things about me on the internet and it breaks my heart, someone you once knew, looking up to the stars every night, could hurt you so bad. I know your probably thinking, surely you hurt sam? of course I did. I was a fool, but i was never the things that are said about me. I just made mistakes, and I’ve learnt and grown from there, that right there is whats important, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t be the changed man I claim to be.
So i had so many lonely nights, I still do, not waking up to her, stroking her hair, telling her “I love you” is hard
You guys can see 2013 was about my relationship, before my career and anything else, is great but its also been my downfall. That’s why I feel so lost, feels like my right arm was cut off, and maybe i should invested time into myself instead of my relationship otherwise would I of been so low? not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel?
So the year is nearly over and 2014 is a new dawn. As a man and ricky I stand alone, which is ok. I’m not ready for a new relationship, I need to 100% ready. I was always love sam and despite how much has happened. I have great friends and family. Which some of you guys got confused, without saying where, sammi lives 5mins away from my family, that really messed up my mind, I was afraid of bumping into here and not knowing what to say.
I will now just continue to hopefully to spread positivity through my pictures just like ‘THE PEOPLE OF TODAY" I like finding good in people.
My story, is not groundbreaking or globe turning, but its real, i’m a real man with real emotions, I
breathe, hurt,cry,smile,laugh,listen,observe,learn,interact,move,sleep,drink and most importantly love
Everyone believes there put on this planet for a reason, mine was to love and my childhood was hard and once I found love, I found myself, my calling and now thats gone I don’t know whats my reason now.
but thats right there, is exciting and scary all at once I can go into the new year, not finding who I am but allowing it to find me.
I’ve been nothing but real and I love all you guys for reading this. I hope you guys have a great New Years and I wish nothing but the best for you, this is just the start of my journey again, always expect the unexpected and don’t like the ghosts of your past haunt you till its too late. Take a leap of faith and stay safe, god bless
This has been Ricky Lee Richards. Just a normal boy with big dreams and hopes.