richard caines

What if everyone in Gotham knows that Bruce Wayne has one biological child…

But none of them knows who is?

See, each of his five children acts and looks so much like Bruce that they can’t figure out which one it is. Most swear it’s Cass. She’s the one whose origin they know the least about, plus she acts the most like their father, so the majority of the population assume it’s Cass. Others think it’s Tim, since no billionaire would give his very important company to his kid unless he were his actual child. But a lot of people also suspect that Jason is the product of one drunken night between Bruce Wayne and some random woman who died and left him Jason to take care of, which would explain why Bruce adopted some random street rat without warning. Though questions often circulate about whether Dick Grayson was actually the son of a pair of acrobats, or if it was all a ploy to hide his true origin, which was a scandalous love affair that occurred between Bruce Wayne and Marie Grayson during a trip to see the circus.

Nobody suspects Damian, though. The Bruce Wayne that Gotham knows and loves is a rich playboy who likes picking up ladies and going to fancy parties. Damian Wayne is too grumpy and angry to possibly be the biological son of that guy, right?

Things I associate the Batfam with:

Bruce: *internal screaming* and Adoption Papers

Alfred: The Sassy Eyebrow Raise™

Dick: Puns n’ Secret Sadness

Jason: yeET

Tim: Near Death Coffee Experience

Damian: Veggie Burgers and Massacre

Barbra: Under the Glasses Nose Pinch

Stephanie: 107% DONE

Cass: Doesn’t Deserve This Shit

Duke: *panicked screaming*

Harper: Really Really Loud Sighing

Kate: Squinty Glare

  • Dick: I can't do this by myself, I need adult supervision!
  • Bruce:
  • Alfred:
  • Jason:
  • Tim:
  • Damian:
  • Duke:
  • Barbara:
  • Stephanie:
  • Cassandra:
  • Kate:
  • Titus:
  • Literally everyone:
  • Dick:
  • Dick: Oh god
  • Dick: <b><i>I AM THE ADULT SUPERVISION</i></b>

Bruce: “Don’t talk to me or my son or my son or my son or my daughter or my son who is actually my son or my son or my daughter who’s not actually my daughter but her father is one of my best friends so she counts or my other daughter who’s not my daughter either but she’s dating my son so she forced her way into my family or my father who is actually my butler or my cousin or my son’s cow, dog, cat, turkey, and dragon bat or my punk daughter or her brother or my best friend who can fly or my club of super people, one of whom I plan to adopt-“

Criminal: …..

Bruce: ”-ever ever again.“

Bruce: *walks away with his ginormous family trailing behind him*

Batfam Week: Wayne Gala!

When all the guests had left, Bruce brought out the old record player and danced with his kids to songs from the 50s. Some favorites include Beyond the Sea (Bobby Darin), Hound Dog (Elvis Presley), At the Hop (Danny & the Juniors), Sh-Boom (The Chords), and Rockin’ Robin (Bobby Day)!

Bat-Kids React to BatCat Engagement
  • Dick: Super-excited, just wants his dad to be happy. Throws himself into wedding preparation. Lives for this. Takes cake-tasting far more seriously than either the bride or groom.
  • Jason: Passive-aggressive questioning in the fake voice of a 10-year-old, just to annoy Bruce. Is not actually worried about whether he'll have to share his room with the cats. Selina finds it hilarious. Bruce is unamused.
  • Tim: "...You know, I knew something ridiculous was going to happen while I was not-dead. This wasn't even in the top twenty worst-case scenarios, so...congrats?"
  • Cass: Quietly super-happy. Subtly works cat motifs into her costume. Tags along with Selina on patrol.
  • Steph: "About time. This house needs some more feminine energy. They're always ganging up on me."
  • "Stephanie, you don't even live here."
  • "New mommy, dad's being mean to me again."
  • Damian: Is mainly worried about Alfred the cat and how he'll react to his new step-cats.
  • Duke: Polite, welcoming, genuinely congratulatory. Also practical. Makes sure all the valuable Wayne Manor paintings are secured to the wall. Especially any with a cat in them.
  • Harper: Takes over bachelorette party planning. Has binders of blackmail material on Bruce to show Selina. This is her moment.
  • Barbara: Is just glad the tabloids will stop shipping her and Batman.
  • Jason: [Laying in a hospital bed, waiting for his appendix to be taken out] If I die during this operation, will you do one thing for me?
  • Tim: Anything, Jason
  • Jason: [Grabs Tim by the collar and squeezes eyes] blow up the fucking hospital
IMPORTANT BATMAN PSA:

Bruce Wayne owns a “I’m Proud of My LGBT Child.” He wears it to work every now and then. No reporter can figure out which kid it is. (Spoiler: Its more than one)

Batfamily as things my family has said

Barbara: “If you eat that piece of bacon I swear to god this friendship is over" 

Dick: *sneaks up on unsuspecting sibling* *randomly drops and crushes said sibling with all their weight* "HUMPBACK WHALE!!!" 

Jason: "Hey come here, I have to tell you a secret. Closer. Little closer.” *sticks tongue in their ear* 

Cass: “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you and I want you to stay outside of my house or maybe just be dead and burn in the darkest pits of hell please" 

Tim: *loses battery for the remote* "WHY WON’T GOD JUST FREAKING LET ME DIE I THINK I’VE EARNED IT BY NOW" 

Stephanie: *accidentally sets fire to counter* "You know, maybe you shouldn’t play with fire anymore” “Yeah, maybe-” *lights match* “-but not today" 

Damian: "You know once a kid dared me to stick up the middle finger in kindergarten and I did and the second I did it he called the teacher and she made me sit out recess that day and this is why I have trust issues" 

Alfred: *banging pots and pans* "GET THE FRICK DOWNSTAIRS YOU PEASANTS I MADE CUPCAKES AND NEED VALIDATION ON MY BAKING ABILITIES" 

Bruce: "hOw DaRe YoU dIsReSpEct mE!!! i aM tHe KiNg Of tHiS LiViNg RoOm!!!" 

Headcanon that the batkids hide under Bruce’s cape ALL the time. When they get cold on patrol, when they’re scared of a particularly creepy villain, when they get tired and need a warm, dark place to hide, they can always be found in Bruce’s cape, hanging onto his back like a koala. One time Hal and Barry were at the watchtower just hanging out when they saw something move under Batman’s cape. Assuming it was an alien parasite out to kill the dark knight by sucking his brains out, Barry pulled off the cape to reveal not one, not two, but three of Bruce’s kids huddled under there playing a game of Uno. It was a mystifying experience.