rhotut

SAYA CINTA KAMU, YOU TOO…

Fan Fiction Comedy was back during the MICF and had their best season of shows yet, with some absolutely amazing guests. Due to a hectic schedule I was only able to do the show one night. I was going to do a story called When Bruce Met Clark, a When Harry Met Sally parody starring Batman and Superman. Sadly I only had five minutes for my story, and I could have rewritten that entire movie, so instead I took a couple of hours and wrote a story about Australia’s favourite couple.

Forget William and Kate, there is only one couple whose relationship Australians have been fascinated by. I speak of Australia’s first couple: Rhonda and Ketut;

The insurance company AAMI, who have been making the documentary about their romance, recently announced that the series would be ending. Spoilers if you are not up-to-date;

People were shattered by the news, as it was the first time in history an insurance company had ever failed to deliver what they had promised;

Amy, the AAMI spokesperson, held a press conference in which she turned charmingly to the camera and explained that the reason the series was not continuing was- this is true- the “actors were too busy, and concentrating on other projects”;

Mandy McElhinney is now a Logie-nominated actress and star of the new hit series Love Child, so that makes sense;

Ketut is actually a forklift driver in real life. I am guessing he would have been fine if the ads kept going. I don’t think Ketut was like: “I just want to be able to concentrate on my forklifting!”;

Anyway, the big question everyone wants to know is, what happens to Ketut next?;

SAYA CINTA KAMU, YOU TOO…

Things had not been good for Ketut since the end of the AAMI ads;

It was the one-year AAMI-versary of the contract being cancelled, and Ketut was drunk;

He drained yet another Flaming Rhonda- the special drink he used to make for a special person- and then threw the glass against the wall shattering it into a million little pieces;

Shattered, just like he was;

“How ironic” thought Ketut, who had never fully understood irony, but English was his second language so give him a break;

Sure, AAMI might offer competitive comprehensive car insurance rates, but they couldn’t ensure against a broken heart; Or broken dreams;

Everything had been so good at the start;

He was a happy drinks waiter working the Bali beaches while dreaming of bigger things;

She was a middle-aged single women funding her sex tourism with the savings she made on her car insurance;

It was a match made in Heaven;

Ketut was no fool;

He knew what he was getting into;

He knew what she wanted;

Her cover story didn’t check out at all;

I mean she was saving 15% and she wanted us to believe that she could use that to go on overseas holiday?;

For the maths on that to work she either had 15 cars, or she was a sex tourist, and either way, Ketut was interested;

For Ketut was a man with a past of his own;

Ketut had always had an eye for the foreign ladies;

But he had been burned before;

A few years earlier he had a steamy affair with a woman called Elizabeth Gilbert which she had later turned into a worldwide best seller, and hit movie, called Eat, Pray, Love;

Ketut still thought the original title Eat, Pray, Bang Ketut was still more catchy;

And then there had been… well Ketut still felt too guilty to speak her name… they had met on the beach, bonding over their love of boogie-boarding… but when he had asked her to bring him back one from Australia…;

Every time the wind would blow through the trees he would hear her name: “Shapelle, Shapelle!”;

Back in the day he was the guy who put the bang into Bintang;

But Rhonda was different;

From the first time he had touched her achy brake foot, she had wormed her way inside his achy break heart;

Rhonda with her weird tan that made her look like the Boy Wonder had spent some time in the solarium;

He loved her, and best of all, she loved him too;

From the minute he said: “You look so hot today like a Sunrise” she was his;

(In brackets I have put: Which is weird, because sunrise is technically the coldest part of the day, so that’s not even a compliment);

And the greatest moment of his life had been when she had leaned in and whispered ““Kiss me Ketut” even though technically it was only in a dream sequence;

But for a little while, the dream had become a reality;

Rhonda and Ketut;

Everyone in Australia loved them;

Well some people checked to see how Ketut got here first, but when they learned he didn’t come by boat, they loved him;

They were Australia’s Kanye and Kim;

Although the first bad sign was when they had trouble coming up with a cool celebrity name;

Neither “Ketonda” or “Rhotut” took off;

And from there things had spiralled out of control;

Rhonda as suddenly in high demand playing Nene King in Magazine Wars, Matron Frances Bolton in Love Child, and Mandy McElhinney in real life;

For Ketut on the other hand, things had gone bad quickly;

His plans to follow the ads with a musical version of the love story of Rhonda and Ketut had never got off the ground;

Ketut was furious and was convinced it was because they hadn’t gone with his suggested title: Ketut-loose;

His version of The Footy Show, The Ketuty Show, was similarly unsuccessful;

People soon realised that Ketut didn’t have a lot of original ideas, just puns on his name they he hoped would get him across the line;

(And in brackets I have written: Doesn’t he know you will never get anywhere in showbiz just putting your name in the title of the show and thinking that means comedy);

Then there was the drugs and the sex;

Sure he was happy to tell Rhonda to keep her eyes on the road, but it was Ketut who should have been keeping his eyes on Rhonda;

He wanted Rhonda to be a safe driver, but it was Ketut who was rear-ending people;

He wanted Rhonda to be a safe driver, but it was Ketut who was burning rubber (And in brackets I have written: at least he used condoms);

Ketut and Australia had fallen in love when Rhonda had first whispered to him “you’re naughty” but he was now being naughtier than she knew;

It wasn’t Trent Toogood that had come between them, it was Little Ketut;

First he was late to Rhonda’s reunion because he had a steamy affair with the lady from the end of the AAMI ads who it turns out isn’t even called Amy;

Ketut enjoyed the sex, but thought it was weird how she never talked at all, and never seemed to age;

Then his foot fetish flared its ugly head again;

It was what had brought Rhonda and he together in the first place, but now it was what was threatening to tear them apart;

It all became too much when he was photographed in the toilets at the Logies doing coke with Adam Hill’s fake foot;

Then came the headlines:

Ketut on the Toot;

Ketut Kapoot?;

Ketut Loves Foot;

Help Me Rhonda;

The Frotty Show;

Adam Hills In Ketut Tonight;

(The last one was actually incredibly inaccurate and led to Adam Hills suing the newspaper for millions of dollars);

For Ketut his career was over;

He had committed showbiz shoeicide;

Safe driving had brought them together but now he had driven everyone he loved away;

He had been lost before he found Rhonda and now he was lost once again;

Ketut sat alone in his house, poured himself another Flaming Rhonda, he flicked on his computer and googled her name. Just one more time;

The first thing that came up was a new article. It turns out they were casting parts for Mandy McElhinney’s new show Love Child;

Ketut had an idea; Ketut knew if could just see her face one more, his Kuta Goddess, everything would be fine;

If he could just whisper “saya cinta kamu” he knew everything would be ok;

But there was no way he could get an audition, not now, not after all the headlines;

What could he do? He looked over and saw some old clothes of Rhonda’s lying on his bed. Clothes he had stolen from backstage on their last shoot that he liked to sleep beside so he could still smell her, and Ketut had another idea.

He wouldn’t get through the door, but he knew who could;

As he pulled on Rhonda’s tight dress, and tucked little Ketut out of the way, he looked at himself in the mirror and said: “You look hot Ketut… like a Sunrise!”;

And then he said: “No, not Ketut… Call me Ketutsie!”;

(And then I have written in brackets, Tootsie was a very popular film from 1982 where Dustin Hoffman is an actor who can’t get any work so dresses up like a woman to get a break and win back his love. None of you were probably born when that movie came out);

(And then in another set of brackets I have written The End);