This is my position, my situation
I believe in gender abolition. I believe in the abolition of masculine and feminine, and the degendering of behaviour
I believe personal choices occur in a political context and that politics should inform choice and choice should be politicised
I am female and experience dysphoria related to the secondary sex characteristics of my body.
This could be neurological, biological, a result of abuse, environmental factors or misogyny
When I started transition my politics were different and I was recovering from sexual abuse. I wanted to be seen socially as a man, and I believe this was partly to try to protect myself from further rape
I was raped while living as male, and on testosterone. One of the main things that has helped me recover from that has been finding female solidarity. Like it or not, I am female sexed, and I am female socialised. I will never fully be able to change my sex, and I will never fully be able to change my socialisation.
I look at radical feminist and lesbian feminist spaces here, and the solidarity they have. I feel separate from that, distant, but I see it as something that could be healing, were I to be part of it.
I still have sex dysphoria. However, now I have no desire to be a man socially, I just retain dysporia about my sex characteristics. I still feel the need to change them, but no longer feel the corresponding need to be seen as male.
Taking testosterone and having my breasts removed has helped with my sex dysphoria. However, it has left me read as male without that socialisation, suppressed by men, and constantly scolded and excluded for not having the ‘right’ socialisation. It has left me raped and unable to find supportive spaces in which to recover, because I experienced female socialisation and my rape in the context of that socialisation.
Unexpectedly, testosterone treated a life-long, massively life-altering, and indeed life-threatening condition. My doctors believe it was the experience of puberty that did it. If I come off testosterone I have been told the condition will most likely reappear.
I have multiple other disabilities that limit my life incredibly. Having that condition back would make my life flip over into being completely unliveable.
I have to remain on testosterone therefore. I pass completely as male.
I am female. I have a man’s name. I am presumed to be a man. I have a flat chest and a broken voice.
I like having a flat chest and a broken voice. I would like to have a penis and scrotum. I have a vagina. I am female.
I couldn’t practically return to a female name, when I look so completely male - it would make my life very difficult. I can’t life a full life at the moment without women’s spaces and solidarity. My life would be even less full if I came off testosterone.
I was socialised female. I will always be female. I will always be female with medically altered sex characteristics. I would have killed myself had I not altered them.
I do not desire to be a man - only to have a male body. I do not align myself with the gender roles aimed at men. Nor do I align myself with the gender roles aimed at women. I wish to destroy - abolish - all gender roles.
I consider myself to be a women, - an adult, human female, because this is what I am, regardless of name, testosterone, and surgery. I consider women my kin. I was raised into the underclass that is female. I was socialised as female. My body will always be female.
I sit uncomfortably in the middle. I align myself with women, we share reproductive struggles. We share female socialisation. We share (I suspect) the risks of abuse that women face - given that most abuse comes from people close to us, and those people know I’m female. When a woman is read as a man that does not make her safe. Being read as a man does not make me safe. We share constant fears of rape. Many women are read as men. Myself included.
I look for spaces where my body is welcomed as that of a woman. An adult human female with a male name and male secondary sex characteristics, but a female sex and a female upbringing. I never enter those spaces. I am cast out of women’s space, told it’s not for me, it’s not for men. I am not a man. I am perceived as one but am an adult human female with female socialisation and experiences who has chosen to be able to pass as a man.
Changing my name back to a female one might make me slightly more able to enter women’s spaces but at a high risk in wider society given I am read as male.
I am unwelcome in queer theory women’s spaces because I am female assigned, on a transition path towards a male body, and do not identify as non binary.
I would be unwelcome in other women’s spaces because I look like a man and have a man’s name.
Were my views on prostitution, pornography, and women’s spaces known by people in my real life I have no doubt that I would be hounded to suicide.
I feel trapped