“I don’t have the receipt, can I still return this?”

“Don’t you have any more of these in the back?”

“I want to speak to the manager!”

“Oh I’m not going to buy anything, I’m just looking!”

“I know you’re about to close, but I just need one thing!”

“It didn’t scan, it must be free!”

The Customer Isn't Always Right

During my time working customer service, I’ve figured out one surefire way to deny a customer’s request without them getting angry at me.

Customer: Excuse me, if I buy this and this do you give me this for free? They’re all so expensive. I shouldn’t have to pay full price! *turns into firebreathing dragon*
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though!
Customer: *turns back into human* Yes it would. Glad you agree with me.

Customer: It’s my daughter’s birthday. Do you have a a hidden cake down there behind your register to give her for free because it’s her birthday?!
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though! 
Customer: Right? 

Customer: If I stay here long enough after closing hours do you all start singing and dancing?
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though!

Those were obviously a little out there, but you get my point!  I say this to at least 5 people a day. 

What’s your best way to turn down customers without fearing for your life?

"Can you slap my children for me?"

The other morning, a mom was telling her kids the bottled water along the wall in the grocery section was hot, and of course they’re like “No, Mom, it’s normal tap water temperature, it feels fairly cool”. The mom disagrees, then turns to me, shoves her kids towards me, and demands that I slap them for her. She looked pissed when I refused, since that’s definitely against store and company policy, not to mention my personal ethics. This woman literally tried to complain to a manager because I refused to hurt HER kids due to HER petty argument. People are wild.

Let's Get You Back to the Station!

There I am, minding my own business at the register, when I’m greeted by a customer who is too intrigued by their phone to pay any attention to me. Ah well! I’m used to that. 

Me: Will this be all for you?

Customer: *grunts response that sounds vaguely like a “yes”*

Me: Great! *rings items* Alight so for blah blah blah blah your total will be blah blah blah.

Customer:  *pays*

Me: Alright, here’s your receipt! Thank you and have a great night.
Customer: *still hasn’t looked at me, but begins to inspect receipt in the way that so many do. A way that eludes to said customer believing that I run a black market operation centered around overcharging the poor unsuspecting townsfolk and pocketing the extra cash.*

Me: *waits patiently for customer to leave so that I can help the next guest in line*

Customer: UMMM you didn’t apply my coupon!

Me: I’m sorry, you had a coupon??

Customer: YES! You didn’t apply it. Look I have it right here. *Proceeds to fish around in bag for an obscene amount of time until finally producing said coupon.*

Me: *trying very very hard not to sound like a smart ass* Oh wow, sorry about that! You didn’t actually mention that to me during the transaction. That’s the time that I would have needed to see it to apply it. *inspects coupon* Hey this doesn’t even expire for about 2 months so you have plenty of time to use it if you’ll be back!

*Steam starts to pour from the customers ears. The ground shakes. I’m only a second away from shouting “EARTHQUAKE!” and ducking for cover- but it is at this point that the customer and I finally make eye contact.. and suddenly it all makes sense! The customer’s true identity is revealed and I realize that I have actually been helping a DERAILED CHOO CHOO TRAIN all this time!!*


*I stare at the customer in awe.. I have so many questions- how did this choo choo train fit in the store?! How did it fit its massive wheels into that tiny bag to fish out the coupon?? How many other trains do I encounter on a daily basis?*

Me: Oh my gosh.. wow.. this is amazing. I’m so sorry for all this trouble over a silly little coupon! Maybe this will make it up to you- your purchase is now on the house! Wait.. that’s not enough. Let me pay you! Here’s some money out of my pocket. No.. here’s the key to the safe. Take it all! You are an amazing choo choo train and I should have known that you had that coupon all along! Now let’s get you back to the station!

*I hop into the choo choo train and we ride merrily off into the sunset.*


I work in retail and let me tell you never be an asshole to the people who work in retail we go through so much shit like cleaning up the mess you or your children make. You see us folding shirts and putting them out and you catch attitudes and call us incompetent and give the most vague descriptions of what you want from us, get mad when we don’t carry stuff you saw at a competitors store, I mean the list goes on and on. Real talk.

Things I've learned while working in retail. (Mostly pet peeves.)

1) We are underpaid, underappreciated, and expected to do way to much for minimum wage.
2) If you are shopping in our store, and you see us trying to straighten up our area (zoning, folding tables, fixing racks, ect.) and you mess it up, I will give you a dirty look. And I will talk about you to my co-workers because now we hate you.
3) If you’re nice and polite to us, we will move mountains to try and help you with whatever you need.
4) Likewise, if you’re rude to us for absolutely NO REASON, we will not help you in anyway. (Unless you count dirty looks as helping, then I’ll help you a lot.)
5) If you are at my register checking out, and I ask you how you are doing, do not ignore me. That’s just rude. If you do that to me, I’ll bag your food with your bleach and pray that the bottle spills and you eat the food and die. Clear? Just respond “Fine.” That’s good enough for me.
6) If you are checking out in my lane, and you decide you don’t want something, do not lay in on top of the gum, or on the bottom of the check lane. JUST HAND THEM TO ME!! I’d be happy to take them from you, rather than have to go back later and clean up after you.
7) Because I work at Target, it is my job to ask you about the redcard. If you aren’t interested, simply say no, and I won’t continue talking about it. You don’t have to be rude to me because I’m doing my job. (Speaking of credit cards: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ABUSE THE CARD READER TO GET IT TO WORK. STABBING IT WITH YOUR FUCKING FINGER IS NOT GOING TO GET IT TO WORK! Pick up the stylus and use it. It’ll will work 99.9% of the time. And no, I do not have the “magic touch.” I just use the damn stylus.)
8) I am not your maid, babysitter, disciplinary figure, or parent. I will tell your kids to stop running, to get out of the racks, and to get off my register. I will give you dirty looks if your kid is screaming uncontrollably and you aren’t doing a damn thing about it.
9) If you drop something, for God sakes, just pick it up. Don’t look at me, say “Oops” and walk off. I might walk over and punch you in the vagina, you prick.
10) I work retail to support myself. This job is my only source of income. Please don’t be an asshole and make my job miserable.

Please be considerate, polite, and courteous. It makes our day better.

Seduction Won't Get You Coupons

I’m at the register minding my own business when I can’t help but notice a man and a woman about 5 feet away making ‘sly’ glances and gestures towards me while muttering in another language.

ME: Do you need help with anything? (Man and woman begin to shuffle across the floor)

MAN: My wife and I… (Dramatic pause) ….. We have a coupon.

ME: Okay.. (Good for you)

MAN: But.. You see.. We left it at home… (Of course you did.)

ME: Okay well we actually don’t have coupons here to give out, but what coupon was it? Was it mailed to you by the company?

WOMAN: *wipes away an imaginary tear* No.. It’s a piece of paper… (What?)

ME: Okay.. Are you a member of our rewards program?

MAN: Yes! ME: Okay so was it this coupon? *describes coupon* because I can look that up right here and get it to you!

MAN: *begins to sweat profusely* Oh.. Ah… No… Different coupon… English not very good.. (It was fine 5 seconds ago)

ME: Okay.. Well I’m really sorry but if it’s not that coupon then there’s nothing that I can do. I don’t have any coupons to hand out. (Please go bother someone else with this.)

MAN: *leans over counter* don’t you think you can find one for us? *awkward wink*

ME: I’m sorry sir but I really don’t have any coupons.

MAN: Are you sure? *leans closer while licking lips* (I think that he’s about to give me a strip tease)

ME: Yes, I’m sure. I’m sorry. (Please go away before I call security)

Man and woman accept defeat and leave the store with angry mumbling.