The Customer Isn't Always Right

During my time working customer service, I’ve figured out one surefire way to deny a customer’s request without them getting angry at me.

Customer: Excuse me, if I buy this and this do you give me this for free? They’re all so expensive. I shouldn’t have to pay full price! *turns into firebreathing dragon*
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though!
Customer: *turns back into human* Yes it would. Glad you agree with me.

Customer: It’s my daughter’s birthday. Do you have a a hidden cake down there behind your register to give her for free because it’s her birthday?!
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though! 
Customer: Right? 

Customer: If I stay here long enough after closing hours do you all start singing and dancing?
Me: Ohh no unfortunately we don’t *sad face* that would be really awesome if we did though!

Those were obviously a little out there, but you get my point!  I say this to at least 5 people a day. 

What’s your best way to turn down customers without fearing for your life?

Let's Get You Back to the Station!

There I am, minding my own business at the register, when I’m greeted by a customer who is too intrigued by their phone to pay any attention to me. Ah well! I’m used to that. 

Me: Will this be all for you?

Customer: *grunts response that sounds vaguely like a “yes”*

Me: Great! *rings items* Alight so for blah blah blah blah your total will be blah blah blah.

Customer:  *pays*

Me: Alright, here’s your receipt! Thank you and have a great night.
Customer: *still hasn’t looked at me, but begins to inspect receipt in the way that so many do. A way that eludes to said customer believing that I run a black market operation centered around overcharging the poor unsuspecting townsfolk and pocketing the extra cash.*

Me: *waits patiently for customer to leave so that I can help the next guest in line*

Customer: UMMM you didn’t apply my coupon!

Me: I’m sorry, you had a coupon??

Customer: YES! You didn’t apply it. Look I have it right here. *Proceeds to fish around in bag for an obscene amount of time until finally producing said coupon.*

Me: *trying very very hard not to sound like a smart ass* Oh wow, sorry about that! You didn’t actually mention that to me during the transaction. That’s the time that I would have needed to see it to apply it. *inspects coupon* Hey this doesn’t even expire for about 2 months so you have plenty of time to use it if you’ll be back!

*Steam starts to pour from the customers ears. The ground shakes. I’m only a second away from shouting “EARTHQUAKE!” and ducking for cover- but it is at this point that the customer and I finally make eye contact.. and suddenly it all makes sense! The customer’s true identity is revealed and I realize that I have actually been helping a DERAILED CHOO CHOO TRAIN all this time!!*


*I stare at the customer in awe.. I have so many questions- how did this choo choo train fit in the store?! How did it fit its massive wheels into that tiny bag to fish out the coupon?? How many other trains do I encounter on a daily basis?*

Me: Oh my gosh.. wow.. this is amazing. I’m so sorry for all this trouble over a silly little coupon! Maybe this will make it up to you- your purchase is now on the house! Wait.. that’s not enough. Let me pay you! Here’s some money out of my pocket. No.. here’s the key to the safe. Take it all! You are an amazing choo choo train and I should have known that you had that coupon all along! Now let’s get you back to the station!

*I hop into the choo choo train and we ride merrily off into the sunset.*


"Can you slap my children for me?"

The other morning, a mom was telling her kids the bottled water along the wall in the grocery section was hot, and of course they’re like “No, Mom, it’s normal tap water temperature, it feels fairly cool”. The mom disagrees, then turns to me, shoves her kids towards me, and demands that I slap them for her. She looked pissed when I refused, since that’s definitely against store and company policy, not to mention my personal ethics. This woman literally tried to complain to a manager because I refused to hurt HER kids due to HER petty argument. People are wild.

s/o to all the customers who don’t even look at you when you ask how they’re doing, the ones who slide their cards before you’ve rung up their first item, the ones who ask to speak to the manager because no, you cannot discount their purchase just because it’s their birthday

I work in retail and let me tell you never be an asshole to the people who work in retail we go through so much shit like cleaning up the mess you or your children make. You see us folding shirts and putting them out and you catch attitudes and call us incompetent and give the most vague descriptions of what you want from us, get mad when we don’t carry stuff you saw at a competitors store, I mean the list goes on and on. Real talk.