restarting my life


I’ve read quite a few horror tales in my time, and I’ve got a certain fondness for Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Lewis Stevenson. 

There’s something about man seeking to become his best self, only to unleash his inner demons and desires, that truly fascinates me.

I also like to think that Jekyll is not so innocent. He uses the identity of Hyde as an excuse for his immoral behaviours so not to feel any consequential guilt.

“If it wasn’t me in control, it’s not my fault.”

Jekyll is a truly evil character, and his potion is just a ploy to satiate his needs for violence and chaos.

So I got myself a new look

And my boss didn’t take it very well

So in other words yeah I’m getting fired at the end of the term because my hair is bleached and dyed. 

It’s dumb

Falling leaves

 Request : “Do you want me to leave?” and “I am not losing you again!”

You are tired of waiting around for harry, so you make the sad decision to leave

I couldn’t live like this anymore, I couldn’t live a life where I have to sit here and wait for someone that barely comes around. I was lonely, I mean I don’t need a significant lover in my life but when I do and that person isn’t really around makes it hard. They say they love me and care about me, but as days go on I just can’t grasp what they express to me anymore. I sit here in silence, waiting here another day like always wondering if they will even call. It gets to a point where a week goes by and I don’t even see a text from them. The only way I really can see what they are doing is from looking online. So that’s just what I do, I look up the most latest new articles on them. The first thing that I notice right away is that they came back in town, without my indication. Something inside of me makes me snap and I just lose it, How could he do this. I sit here and waste my time on someone that I believe doesn’t even feel the way that I do about them. I decided that enough was enough and I wanted out, I couldn’t be here in this house any longer.

Keep reading

I use to think , wow if I could go back in time and change things. If I could restart my whole life. If I could run away start fresh. Honestly that really isnt the right answer. Whatever the problem is or whatever your lacking, face it. The only real change comes from inside.

i feel so frustrated. 

I have this unbelievably strong desire to just leave. To book a flight & go. Meet new people, make new friends, have no plans, take a new path & just restart. I love my life & I love my friends, but I feel like some serious change. 

I’ve realised I feel really lonely & I’ve taken a lot of action to try to work through that with little return. It’s hard when you know yourself really well & know what you like & what fulfils you in life because then when you feel lonely there’s not much more you can do about it. I’ve always been patient, understanding & not super bothered by not having someone, but I’m reaching a point where I just want to find someone to settle down with & share my life with. 

Frustrated is definitely the right word for my underlying energy of late. 

In saying all that it’s been such an awesome last few months. I’ve met a number of new people & made some great new connections. I’ve had some awesome job experiences & opportunities & can’t wait to see where they take me. I’m in love with creating content, having fun behind the camera & doing something that allows me to completely give in to my creativity & express my thoughts.  

Also, still incredibly annoyed by people’s (lack of) communication in this day & age. If you haven’t got the decency or respect to f*kn tell me your busy or don’t wanna talk then don’t think I’m gonna go wasting my time on you or holding up my plans for you honey. Oh & don’t you dare think ignoring messages is simply making me want you more, it’s only making me want to drop kick you off a bridge. 

My first fanfic Pt. 2 (It has the first part in it too!)


Will Solace woke with a start. Loud bangs were coming from his neighbour’s room again. He rolled over and peeked at his phone to check the time.


What. The. Fuck.

Will groaned, hoping to god that they would stop moving and making such a racket soon, and he nestled his face back into his bright blue pillow decorated with suns. He exhaled, his blond curls drifting over his freckled forehead.

Bang. Bang. BANG.

Oh for fuck’s sake, Will thought.

He had no idea what these noises were, but they had been happening for days now, ever since his new neighbour moved in.

He didn’t usually get annoyed, but it was all he could do to not scream at the wall in frustration. He hadn’t even met his new neighbour, as they seemed to never exit their apartment.
Obviously still alive though, with all this noise. Will frowned, and wriggled further down his bed.

At first, he had hoped his new neighbour would be cute and funny and friendly (and, as Leo wouldn’t stop reminding him, “maybe even boyfriend material, amigo!”), but no such luck. He didn’t even know what gender his neighbour was, and after all this racket, he didn’t care if they were the sexiest man alive.


Staring at his ceiling and cursing silently, he resolved to knock on their door tomorrow and sort this out…


Beep. Beep. Beep. BEEP. BEEP. BE-


Nico di Angelo smacked his alarm clock, swiping at his bedside table, and threw his black duvet over his head, grumbling about the loud noises he heard last night at an ungodly time that morning.

Nico only moved in a few days ago, but he didn’t want to make any effort to get to know his neighbours despite his half-sister Hazel’s insistence that he should “at least try to pretend he had friends and a bit of a life”. Although that made Hazel sound harsh, she was a lovely person and an even better sister, and she really cared for Nico, which is more than Nico could say of anyone else. Besides, she had a point. Nico had never really made an effort with people, mostly because he was terrified of what they’d think of him.

“He’s not normal.”

Nico buried his face in his mattress, curling up in a foetal position whilst trying to forget the high-school dicks that took great pleasure in tormenting him. High-school had ended a year ago. He was nineteen. He should be over this.

He wasn’t.

Nico looked at his alarm clock.


He didn’t have to get up for anything, but getting up made him feel as if he had some sort of purpose in life, even if he just went back to sleep later. He sighed and got up slowly, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his dark tousled hair.

“You’ve got to stop doing that, you’ll go bald Neeks!!” His sister’s voice echoed in his head.
9 years, and Bianca’s voice was still in his head.

He pushed a button on his De Longhi coffee machine and made himself an espresso. Hazel had referred to his new coffee machine as his “pride and joy” (which, Nico thought, was quite accurate as he was pretty sure his body was 90% coffee beans). He slumped onto his black leather armchair that his millionaire father had “generously” deigned to give him, coffee in hand, and thought about the sleep he’d missed. Whatever Hazel said, after these annoying banging noises, Nico was even more certain he never wanted to get to know his stupid neighbour.


When Will woke up to his alarm, he felt as if he’d only been sleeping for a second since he’d been disturbed earlier.

“Bloody new neighbour with their bloody nocturnal habits…”

Will looked at his phone, and cursed when he read the text that his friend Piper had sent him.


“Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit.” Will groaned and put his palms to his forehead in annoyance. They had a test today that he had completely and utterly forgot about.

Med school was turning out to be way harder than he thought.
Not that he expected it to be easy, exactly, but the tests every week were even starting to wear him down, and he was definitely the most upbeat person there.

He got out of bed and ruffled his hair, pulling up his pyjama trousers so he didn’t trip over the bottom of them, and shuffled into the kitchen area of his flat.

Oh no.

Will looked around at his flat and wrinkled his nose. Pizza boxes and beer bottles covered the floor from last night. Why had he allowed Leo to come over?! It always ended like this, and Leo never ever helped tidy up. For one person, Leo not only ate like a horse, but also made so much mess it looked like a hippo had rampaged through the room.

Will sighed and rubbed his forehead. He was already running a little late and couldn’t afford to clean all this up now, so instead of sorting it out, he wandered to the fridge, pulled out a yoghurt and sat down. His phone buzzed.


Will wasn’t worried. Piper said this every morning there was a test and somehow managed to get above 80% every time. People usually would find this annoying. But Will chuckled. He loved Piper, as she was the only other med student who, when faced with Will’s bright clothing and incessant smile, grinned just as widely and said “I like you!”. Naturally, people thought they were going out, but Will didn’t mind it. It was better than having to openly admit the truth.

“You are not allowed to like boys, William. It is not normal.”

His mother’s voice echoed in his head.

At least with Piper herself, Will didn’t have to pretend. Piper knew straight away that Will was gay, and that didn’t bother her at all. In fact, she made it her mission to point out all the men she thought “worthy”. Once, Piper walked up to a guy in their class, and pointed in his face, wiggling her eyebrows at Will. Of course, at the time, Will was so embarrassed, he went tomato-red, but now Will giggled and blushed slightly at the memory. He really did love Piper.

He checked the time again.


He suddenly remembered his resolution to confront his new neighbour.

Maybe that can wait till tomorrow…? Will mused, not really desiring any sort of conflict. Or maybe just after class… He decided to wait until later to choose.

He tugged at a strand of hair that fell in front of his blue eyes, wrestling with the possibility of calling in sick to avoid the test. But, as usual, Will felt guilty at even the thought of that, and so texted Piper to say he was on his way, and went back to his bedroom to get dressed.

Okay… he thought, as he left the door. Time to face the music.


Nico heard a bang as his neighbour left their apartment. He guessed they were quite clumsy, because every single morning he heard a thud as they closed their door, occasionally accompanied by an “Ow!”. Nico rolled his eyes and sighed. Clearly, this neighbour was deaf or something, especially considering all the loud noises that had been emanating from the flat next door.

Nico put his coffee mug down on the ridiculously expensive black marble coffee table, (another “present” from his father) stretched in his armchair and dropped his head back, glaring at the ceiling.

Wasn’t the whole point of not being in school so that I could restart my life? Find a hobby? A career?
A friend…?

Nico sighed and rubbed his eyes. A friend was the least likely of the three he would ever have. He never had got along with people. People didn’t get along with me, he thought. Not since Bianca died…
Nico breathed deeply. He really missed her. He missed her ability to cheer him up with only a look, the constant glint in her eye, her laugh, her energy, her voice…

Great. Wallowing in self-pity. Nice.

A faint buzz interrupted his sombre thoughts.
Nico forced himself to stand up, glancing at his mobile phone that he’d chucked on the kitchen worktop.

Neeks. Emergency with Dad. Hazel xx

Ugh. Leave it to our father to screw things up.

Be right there N x

Nico picked up his keys and was about to step out of the door when he looked down and realised he was still wearing his novelty Darth Vader pyjamas that Hazel had given him as a joke. Nico smirked despite himself, and went back to his room to quickly pull on black jeans and his ACDC t-shirt. Hazel called this his “rock-emo look”, but Nico had always felt black was his colour.

Yet another thing people at school took the piss out of me for.

He tugged his trainers on, grabbed his leather jacket and stepped out the door, raising his eyebrow at a mound of miscellaneous cardboard that resembled…pizza boxes?…outside his neighbour’s door.

Typical, he thought, turning his back on the curious disorganised lump and striding through the corridor to the outside world.


Well, that was awful.

Will ran his hand through his hair, frowning at the space where his test had been. He sighed, and looked over at Piper who was grinning at him, mouthing “THAT WAS NOT TOO BAD”, and he made an extreme pouty grumpy face to show her that he did not feel the same. Piper winked at him and stuck her tongue out, her hazel eyes glinting.

Will sulked, wrinkling his nose and scrunching his eyebrows together, but couldn’t hold back a snort of laughter when Piper stood up and melodramatically blew him a kiss. Piper tossed her braided hair over her shoulder and winked again, giggling at Will as he struggled to keep a straight face. Will really loved her to bits.

“Why the looooong face, Will?”

Will looked up from his seat and met Piper’s inquiring eyes, and shrugged his shoulders. “Pipes, the test was so bad. I don’t even know if I answered half of the questions in comprehensible English!”

Piper tilted her head to one side, her choppy fringe drifting across her forehead, and put her hand on his shoulder. “Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think it was!” She grinned and ducked to catch Will’s eye, and he smirked back, standing up to sling his rucksack over his shoulder. They walked for a minute or so in silence. Will was still worrying about the test, and Piper wasn’t sure whether she should interrupt his thoughts. They stopped outside their classroom and Piper checked her phone.

“Ooh we’ve still got ten minutes! Shall we just stay here?” Will nodded, but stayed quiet.
Piper frowned, but then her face lit up with a wide smile. “I have something for you!”

Will frowned at Piper. “Ummm Pipes, last time you said that, you introduced me to Leo. I don’t need to remind you how well that turned out.”

“Oh Will, don’t be so dramatic, you love Leo now!”

“Yeah I do”, Will admitted, “but not in the way you hoped!”

Piper chuckled, and pulled something that resembled a fur-ball out of her tote bag. “Here.” She pressed it into his hand.

“Pipes…why have you given me a dead rat?”

“It is not a dead rat! Jeez, Will. Is this the thanks I get for giving you a lucky rabbit’s foot?”

“A what?!” Will dropped it, squeaking and wrinkling his freckled nose in disgust. Piper picked it up again, putting a hand on her hip and waving the foot at Will.

“A lucky rabbit’s foot. According to mum, it’s meant to bring you all the luck you need!” 

Will looked at the strange object, slightly freaked out by the idea of it having belonged to a real animal. “Well if it was so lucky, you could’ve given it to me before the stupid test then…” Will grumbled, gingerly taking the foot and stuffing it in his jeans pocket.

“Will, why are you being such a grump today?” Piper pouted, furrowing her eyebrows.

Will looked at her and sighed, feeling guilty. “Sorry Pipes, I just didn’t get a good night’s sleep. It’s this neighbour! They don’t seem to understand that 4am is not an appropriate time to refurbish their flat!”

Piper studied Will’s face for a second, before bursting out laughing. Will felt his face grow hot, and was slightly confused at Piper’s reaction.

“What?! Pipes this isn’t funny! It is so annoying and I can’t get any sleep and it’s endless and- PIPER!”

Piper was crying with laughter, doubled over and cackling loudly. “I’m sorry Will, it’s just, your face, and you looked…so furious” Piper wheezed, and Will stood opposite her looking disapprovingly. Piper was just standing there, guffawing in the middle of the corridor.  

“Are you quite finished?” Will crossed his arms, attempting to look annoyed, but really just smiling along with her.

Piper had tears streaming down her face, and was laughing so hard that she was spluttering, and she started coughing loudly.

“Oh god, Pipes! Are you okay?!”

Piper just nodded and giggled, and Will rolled his eyes at his friend.

“Pipes, you are certifiably insane.”

“I’m not the one who sounds like a grandpa at the age of 19!”

Will chuckled, and just as he did so, the bell rang to signal the start of class. Ugh, Will thought. More brain-work.

As they wandered into the classroom, Piper mused “So…Will…this neighbour…are they cute?”. Will turned round to Piper winking, with a mischievous glint in her eye, and he rolled his eyes for the second time in five minutes.

Yet, as Will sat down and pulled out his books from his bag, he found himself thinking… what if they are…?


SORRY I DIDN’T WRITE THAT MUCH!! I promise more is coming very very soon… (and the stories will overlap, I promissseeeee) <3 

If I had another restart on my life, I dare say that I would find you sooner. I dare say that I would not be as late as I was.
—  Lukas W. // Restart
Summer 2017

As this summer comes to a close and people are beginning to move away, I feel like I should update the few of you who follow this blog just because maybe you are wondering where I am in life. or maybe I’d just like to think there are a couple people out there that actually want to know what’s happening with me.

well, this summer has definitely been an eventful one. some things were good, some things were bad. but overall, this was a fun summer that I don’t think I’ll forget for years to come. i got closer to some of my friends, I pulled away from a couple others. i did things i never expected of myself (like trying not to slip on rocks while walking across a river or biking for 15 miles) and actually followed through on plans we had all made at the beginning of may.

although this new chapter coming up in my life is scary, it’s exciting and i welcome it. there’s nothing more exhilarating than the thought of exploring a whole new place with different people and weather and culture even than where i live now. 

in two weeks, i will leave my home for the first time and try to restart my life in a big city and meet all new people which will be hard for me but hopefully i’ll gain a few friends along the way. 

it’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye, and even though i’ve only said a couple, i’ve had enough. it’s so painful to think that friends i’ve known for years are going to be away from me for months at a time. people i’m joined at the hip with, i will have to learn to let go. at least in a physical sense.

and i get that college is a new time where you get to explore your interests and really become who you are but still, having a couple of friends along for the ride doesn’t seem so bad…

anyways, i’m excited and hopeful for what the rest of this year has to bring. i’m sad to have all but abandoned this blog but i think the main reason i had started it was because i needed a place to vent when i was depressed and didn’t be a burden to anyone. i will DEFINITELY keep posting on this blog, but I doubt they’ll become any more frequent than they are now. thank you to everyone who read this and my endless list of rants and rambling and to everyone who has commented or messaged me since i started this blog, what, two years ago? i love talking to you guys, i’m sorry i don’t do it more often but please feel free to message me always. 

see you soon.