repost to my main blog

what does BPD feel like?

BPD isn’t just phases of being sad and adding some cutting every now and then for good measure and feeling better when somebody comes along and kisses your scars and tells you everything is going to be alright. it’s not something that „just goes by“. 

living with BPD is hell. it’s deeply internalized patterns of behavior and feelings which complicate your life on a daily basis and make normal daily tasks seem like huge obstacles. there’s phases when you feel like showering or eating are impossible things to do, when you just don’t want to get up in the morning but instead stay in bed under your covers all day so you don’t have to interact with other people. 

BPD is being completely fixated on one person and not wanting to spend time with anyone else and inevitably overwhelming that person with your constant need for affection, and even though you know your expectations are impossible to meet, you just can’t stop and have to watch yourself destroy every meaningful relationship you ever have.

BPD is the constant feeling of not being good enough. it’s constantly feeling insecure if the people who you love most even care about you at all. it’s crying and panic attacks when your favorite person doesn’t reply within minutes. it means an existential crisis and suicidal thoughts when someone cancels plans with you. it’s completely breaking down when somebody doesn’t keep a promise. it’s the constant need for attention and affection from one specific person and the constant wish to have them by your side at all times. it’s helplessness and sadness when you are by yourself. it’s being dependent on how people treat you. it’s constantly changing between adoring and hating someone, based on how they behave in that very moment, no matter whether or not their behavior has anything to do with you. it’s the overwhelming wish for a social life and at the same time being deathly afraid of spending time with other people. it’s constantly feeling left out or like you’re the fifth wheel. it means feeling unwanted or insignificant when your favorite person spends time with other people and doesn’t want you to come because they ’want to do something without you for a change’. it’s constantly feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone even though you don’t even understand yourself. it’s feeling like you are manipulative and a bad person because your expectations and demands are ridiculous and way too high for anyone to meet. it’s constantly being disappointed over and over again and feeling unimportant / unloved because nobody can ever live up to your high expectations.

BPD is the fear of losing someone when they meet somebody new and always seeing new people in their life as a threat or competition. it’s feeling like you have to convince even your significant other every day that you are still worth spending time with. it’s being submissive all the time and never speaking up or calling someone out if they don’t treat you well because you are afraid it will lead to an argument which in turn will make them leave you. it means swallowing your own feelings and problems because you don’t want to annoy them out of fear they will walk away. it’s feeling like you always have to function and can never have a bad day because people will get tired of you instantly and immediately replace you with a better person because you are worthless and disposable. it means having no emotional permanence which makes you feel like once people are out of sight their feelings for you are gone. it’s when „I love you“ and „I’m here for you“ doesn’t mean anything unless the person thinks of you, talks to you, wants to spend time with you 24/7 or proves it any other way.

BPD is the constant fear of not being able to handle life. it means not knowing who you are or what you want. it’s getting up every morning and being a completely different person with new fears, new dreams, new interests. it’s the desperate search for yourself without ever finding it. it’s trying different personalities and it never feeling right. it’s ‘stealing’ personality traits from other people and trying to make them work for you. it’s the desperate wish for a hobby of some sort to dive into and cope but never finding anything that actually interests you for more than 24 hours. it’s desperately wanting to get your feelings out (by writing, drawing, anything) but never being able to. it’s a pressure in your head you just can’t get rid of.

BPD is the constant urge to slice your skin open even if you have been clean for months. it means ups and downs in a matter of minutes. your favorite person texted you first? life is beautiful, anything is possible, I love myself and all my friends, everything is wonderful. they don’t reply to your text within a couple of minutes? might as well kill myself, I am unimportant and worthless, I’m never anyone’s first choice, everyone has other things and people in their lives that are much more important.

BPD is never knowing if your feelings are valid. it’s never knowing if you are entitled to being sad or angry about a specific situation or if you’re just being too sensitive again. it’s making a huge drama out of nothing because you always see something negative in everything. it’s sensing the slightest anomalies in someone’s way of talking, texting or energy and immediately being convinced it’s because of you. it’s being convinced that your significant other hates you when you don’t talk / text every day. it’s hearing a group of people laugh and being absolutely certain they are making fun of you. it’s getting emotional and crazy about something absolutely insignificant and not being able to stop yourself even though you know it’s stupid. it means suppressing mental breakdowns in front of other people and bottling up your feelings so nobody will see them because that would be manipulative and unfair because you would force people to take care of you when they clearly don’t care about you to begin with and at most tolerate you. BPD is not even opening up to your therapist and acting like you’re fine even though you’re falling apart.

BPD means daily headaches or stomach pains. it means a variety of psychosomatic problems that keep you from living a normal life. it’s having to get up every day and go to school / work even though you are in pain and feeling dead inside. it’s having to interact with people and maintaining superficial relationships even though you are tired and exhausted and don’t want to open your mouth at all. it means not eating for days at a time because you just don’t have the energy to. it means being tired all the time and just wanting to be in your room all day.

BPD isn’t beautiful or romantic or cute. it’s the daily struggle against your own body and mind in order to get along in a society that only sees value in people who function properly 100% of the time. it’s the daily internal monologue of having to convince yourself that nothing is as bad as it seems to you. it’s constantly telling yourself that your feelings are not valid. it’s a constant struggle to find your place in this crazy world when you don’t even know who you are.

  • Will: Nico, I'm trans.
  • Nico: Me too!
  • Percy: Did someone say trans? I'm joining your coming out party!
  • Annabeth: I really do believe we can say that we are all transgender...
  • Everyone in the PJ Universe: TRANSSSSSSSSSS

Art Challenge #4: Expression challenge!

I made an emoji one a while ago, but since I was experimenting with brushes and faces, I wanted to do another one but less lazily!

If you use, feel free to tag me or put it in the #artmemesarchive or #epicmurdock (my main blog) tag! Do Not Repost on Tumblr, only reblog, but feel free to share it on other sites as long as all the credit is still on the page!

Have fun!

3

Uhh so guess who stayed up literally all night procrastinating and drawing? It was me!

I drew you, @babylynz ! You’re very fun & easy to draw. (And you’re good at bass and a tumblr&instagram GODDESS.)

6

Unexpected Outcome

Summary: Being best friends with Taehyung lead her to meet Jimin, and fall in love with him. She confessed, but he rejected her… How are things gonna go from there?

Pairing: Jimin x O/C x Taehyung

Parts: | Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 3,5 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7 | Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11  | Pt. 12  | Pt. 13  | Pt. 14  | Pt. 15 (Ending) | Pt. 15,5 |

a/n: repost from my main blog. Forgive some grammatical mistakes, this was a while ago.

And It’s my birthday today! Yay! See this as a gift to ya’ll and thank you to everyone who followed. Wow! You guys are awesome! Ily and I’ll try and post something else later today. Have a nice day, feedback and comments are always very much apreciated. xoxo

BTS Reacting To Your Nervous Tics

~A repost because I posted it to my main blog instead of my side blog and I am an idiot because this took and hour to make and somehow I lost the ask. Sorry anon.~

Originally posted by jjilljj

Seokjin - Seokjin would notice that you were clinging close to the pillow set on your couch. he would frown lightly before snagging the nearest figurine off the shelf in his room. “Aigoo… Jagi could you help me find my new figurine..?” And then ensues a scavenger hunt for the figurine that was hiding in Jin’s pocket. “I found it Jagi. Sorry to have you look all over. It must have fell..” He would then pull you close and press you lightly to his chest before humming gently and kissing your head. Jin is subtle in his ways to make you forget your troubles. 

Originally posted by holdmettightbts

Yoongi - Yoongi would see you sitting across the room where you both were working. You seemed to grow tense and wouldn’t stop clicking the pen between your fingers. He could see the flush of red crossing your face, so he closed his laptop and walked over to you, closing yours as well. “Let’s take a walk jagi. I need to stretch my legs.” It wasn’t a total lie, even though he knew you needed it more than he did. He could see the thunder cloud looming over your head and he wanted to prevent it from becoming a tornado of panic. So you walked hand in hand down the silent streets as he caressed his thumb across the back of your hand. Before you return home, he pulls you close and kisses your forehead. Simple gestures were Yoongi’s way of making you calm.

Originally posted by bangtanbighit

Hoseok - Even though Hoseok seems so carefree and happy all the time, he was totally in tune with how you were feeling. He could sense when your anxiety was peaking. So Hoseok being the absolute ray of sunshine he was, would make up something to make you excited. “JAGI! OH MY GOD!” “What Hobi?” “There’s something bigger than the sun!” “Wait what could be bigger than the sun?” “My love for you Jagi!” “Aish Hobi…” He would reach over and brush his hand through your hair with a bright smile on his face before whispering “I love you.” Hobi had a way of making you smile when it seemed impossible moments before. 

Originally posted by bangthebae

Nmajoon - The moment your anxiety hit and you started to twirl your hair he was completely aware. He knew what he had to do. He had to say something to you. It had to be good enough to take your mind completely by storm. “I never noticed how strong you truly are Jagi.” “What?” “You really are. To have a fight every single day and still smile somehow. Wah, you are my hero.” You were taken by surprise. Namjoon was so full of weird things like that. They took you by absolute suprise each time he spoke. Yet somehow it never ceased to make your eyes water and a brilliant smile spread across your face. He was always honest. His way with words was his way to make you feel calm. 

Originally posted by parkjiminer

Jimin - Jimin would be right there as you started to fall apart. He was usually on top of when you seem to fidget with your fingers. That was his sign for you being on the brink of losing yourself. But he just smiled softly and laced his fingers with yours. He would pull a large sweater from the closet and slip over your head. He would then pull back the covers and let you slide into the bed before sliding in behind you and wrapping himself around you and burying the both of you in your blankets. You needed a break from everything and he needed to let you know that he would be there to help you. Even if you needed hours of his time to soothe your aching mind. 

Originally posted by helendrv

Taehyung - He wasn’t so adept with noticing how you seemed to pace around when you were anxious. He was only highly aware when the tears started to flow and your breathing hitched and seemed to speed up. So he took his spot next to you. Making sure to not touch you unless you reached for him and he began his remedy for your panic attacks. “Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling, so it goes, some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life, too. For I can’t help falling in love with you.” Your breathing would slow and soon Taehyung was holding you close. “Ahh Jagi… You’re okay. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” 

Originally posted by iwanthope

Jungkook - Like Taehyung he isn’t as good as his hyungs are at picking up on the signs of your anxiety. Especially when you’re mid panic attacks and he only notices because you’re hunched over trying to catch your breath as the worled seems to be closing in. He walks calmly to you and wraps his arms around you as he rocks you back and forth. “I’ll count to ten Jagi. Deep breaths okay? Just focus on your breaths.” After what would feel like ages you were still clutching him, but you had calmed down from your panic attack. He would kiss your head and rub your back gently. Jungkookie just knew, without being told how, what made you feel better. 

A/N: This is more helping you deal with an anxiety attack but I think it fits. I hope you like it anon. And all of you guys have a person to come to when things get hard. I’ll always be here. Xxoo <3<3<3<3

p.s. Taehyung’s got me almost crying omfg.