I was quite sure
That my feelings
For you
Already skedaddled

No more dilemmas
No more doubts

Deep down
In my heart
I knew that
Our time has passed
Already over
Cannot be revived
Not anymore

But earlier
When we read
Together what
Was your
Required readings
I felt something
Coming back


And now
I’m not quite
Sure anymore
If I want it
To vamoose

Deadly Thoughts

Sometimes, I wonder whatever will happen to our friendship if I stop putting an effort to things, if I stop initiating our meetups and the like. Will we still be seeing each other? Will we be considered as friends?

I’m sorry. I know that both of you don’t mean to exclude me in our three-person friendship, what seems to be a two-person friendship now. I’m sorry for being so jealous. I’m also sorry for being the cause of not making this possible, for letting myself not graduate on time, that now I still have to study while you reap the fruits of your hard work. I’m sorry for even thinking this but I’m not sure if I’m really sorry.

June 25, 2013

Just in case the day comes that I forget, I’d like to look back to this blog and see how happy and thankful you’ve made me.

Dear you,

Thank you for today. I don’t really remember clearly now why I am thanking you but still, thank you. So just gonna enumerate things that are still solid in my head. Thank you for reassuring me earlier that there had been nothing going on between the two of you. Thank you for asking me, “Don’t you trust me?” because in that question, I have realized that I could, I do, and I should. Thank you for that.

Thank you for eating beside me and sharing food with me earlier. Dining with you is one of my most favorite things now. Well, doing anything with you is actually my favorite heehee. Even for that 30 minutes of doing I don’t know what, thank you for that. Thank you for bullying me into making me sit beside you and hold the fan and take turns.

Also, thank you for trusting me, in turn, and making me forge your mother’s signature. It may sound all so wrong now but I really appreciated it. I know that you could have just let your (guy) friend do it, or just anyone who was there with you. But no, you waited for me to come. And called for me.

Lastly, thank you for playing that weird game with me and even doing what I recognize as baby talk. That meant a lot to me. Seriously, that, for me, was an indicator. And I just wish that you just make your move already.

P.S. Thank you for listening to my endless stories, even if most of the time they don’t even mean anything anymore. I just hope that you won’t get irritated by them and not think of me as what he thought of me back then. I wish you just appreciate these shallow, nonsensical stories, and take them as I would like to share every experience that I have with you. Or should I stop telling you nonsensical stuff so that we could talk about the more serious stuff?

Whenever I see this photo, I remember you. I remember us. I recall the moments that we would spend in our hangout place. In that bench, where we first held hands. In that bench, where we would just sit and talk about deep or nonsensical stuff, anything under the sun, really. In that bench, where I told you my deepest darkest secret and you told me yours. In that bench, where we would eat our take out food and then take a nap on afterwards. In that bench, where we would spend rainy days napping while hugging or just cuddling.

In that bench, where we would do that exact thing as the picture on. Where we would just lay our bodies, trying to squeeze ourselves in that narrow bench. And then you would try to lay your head on my shoulder and I would do the same. Sometimes, you would even sleep on your side, the side where I am and I would hear your slow, peaceful breathing on my ear. That’s like saying, I am alive whenever I am with you. Or how you would try to make me fall asleep by caressing your hand either on my hair or on my face. In that bench, where I didn’t want to leave, where we didn’t want to leave.

In that same bench, where we used to talk about the future, our future. But now, all we have is a past that is filled with these wonderful memories to remember by. I miss those times with you. I miss you. I miss us.

Whatever I am about to post is about something that concerns my life probably 2 or 3 years ago. I don’t even bother to count. So let’s start off with a very intimate conversation right after an intense makeout session with my ex love almost 3 years ago.

G: What’s your stand on PMS (premarital sex)?
S: Uhm, I’m not really sure yet
G: Uhm, do you imagine us doing the deed when our makeout sesh is getting intense?
S: Uhhh
G: If ever I invite you to have sex with me, what would your reaction be?
S: Uhm, I don’t know. Can’t picture the theoretical question really being asked by you
G: Will it be okay with you if we make love with each other?
S: *just giving him a blank face*

Okay, so I know that this has been more than 2 years ago and that I should have moved on already. Well, yes. I know, I have. I’m sure of it. But with what I learned 2 days ago about you and the one whom you replaced me with, I don’t know. It just felt a little weird. A little weird and awkward to confirm that really one of the reasons why we broke up is that I didn’t want to have sex with you then.

And right after breaking up with me, you find this girl who’s more than willing to respond to your sexual needs. And replace me with her. I know that we weren’t really in an official relationship but knowing that you guys got into the official relationship after doing the deed, I don’t know if it’s a relief or a slap in the face. And take note, after just two months of getting to know and everything else and after being in a long-term relationship. I don’t even know how to feel or how to react. That’s a good thing, right? Because that shows my apathy.

But there’s one thing, though. Whatever I learned about them gave a bad image about the girl. That maybe, she really seduced him into leaving me. Fuck you.

P.S. You’re still forgiven.