Aries: When I asked for your fortune today, the stars gave me a coffee table book with a sword stabbed through it. Congrats!
Taurus: Two trains leave a station headed in opposite directions, one is travelling at 35m/s the other at 70m/s, after thirty seconds what is the distance between them? Write your answer on a piece of graph paper and set it alight during sunset. Show your work.
Gemini: Time will be green apple flavored today.
Cancer: You dropped a pen the other day, but a sprite noticed it and returned it to your pocket. Repay them soon with an offering of food or they will steal your teeth.
Cancer: The afterlife is the same as this one but its a sickass metal remix. Just you wait!
Leo: The ghost of an old sharpshooter sits in the belfry of the church. He watches over the bridges of your town. The glint of his rifle scope can be seen at sunrise.
Virgo: The world is played in a minor key but ultimately has optimistic lyrics.
Libra: Death never knocks, they sort of barrel roll through the window and fireman carry you to the afterlife. Never expect the world to be as serious as you think it will be.
Scorpio: Gardens dont grow from wounds dear. Scars do. Scars are badass.
Ophiuchus: The stars say cool halberd.
Sagittarius: You deserve the good shit. You may not be able to pay for the good shit, but you deserve it nonetheless.
Capricorn: A great porcelain warship with a human heart. An excellent place for lunch.
Aquarius: If we evolved from monkeys than why are there still monkeys? I could beat a monkey in a fight just watch me. Bring me the finest chimp you have right now and we will throw down. Ill make sure we dont have monkeys anymore.
Pisces: Your guardian angel is rotten. But thats okay! She grows mushrooms on her skin now! Decomposers are an important part of any ecosystem.